« Last Edit: November 02, 2016, 05:26:12 am by Elibean »

It wasn't fair, she thought. She should get to take her time like
everyone else, and right then Lily wanted to fix her painting.
Eventually the pain receded, and she felt waves of relief as a rush of
warmth told her she'd had a accident. But it wasn't an accident. Lily
felt weird standing there, painting, knowing what had happened, but as
her tree finally took shape, she felt justified this once.

This is the first draft of Lily the Liar, a novel about coping with loss
and disability.

LILY THE LIAR
by Elibean

  Chapter 1

For Lily, the move wasn't real until Grammy's car idled in the drop-off
lane at Broadmoor Presbyterian Church and the locks popped on either
side to release her. The packing and painting felt like spring cleaning
at first. Then, as the hungry boxes kept coming, it became a game. How
many shirts did she really need? How many books and toys could she let
go? The last three weeks at the old house were an adventure. Living
without furniture, helping Dad with repair jobs, and eating take-out
every day had yet to grow boring when the FOR SALE sign was planted. But
the sun gleaming unbearably white in the windows of the old church felt
very, very real.

“Here we are, Lily,” said Dad from the driver's seat. “This is your new
daycare.”

The leather upholstery burned like a furnace, but Lily didn't want to
move. This had gone far enough, she decided. She needed a way out. She
needed a lie.

Lily's Rules of Lying: 1) Let others write the lie.

Many would-be-liars are too impressed with their own imaginations. Like
a little girl who met Princess Andromeda, or the kid whose homework was
stolen by a bigfoot. They spin elaborate stories, but the details tell
on them. If the lie contradicts what others already believe, it's doomed
from the start. Whenever she could, Lily let others write the details
for her.

“Daddy, we're not even religious. What if they find out?”

In Lily's mind, they might hold her down and sing hymns until she
cracked and pledged allegiance to Jesus. Or they might lock her in a
basement so she couldn't speak to the other children. This seemed
reasonable to her, but she suspected Dad would hold a different opinion.

“They won't do anything, Lily. Except talk at you about Jesus.” Dad knew
her tricks. It wouldn't do any good to tell him how Annabel grew serious
hypno-eyes whenever she spoke about Jesus. “No stalling, Lily. We agreed
this was for the best.”

“I didn't agree.” Lily didn't budge except to lift each thigh in turn so
she wouldn't stick to the fiery leather. “I always go with you to your
appointments. I don't know why you're siding with her.”

“Because your Grammy is right. A hospital is no place for you to spend
the summer. It'll be boring if nothing else. At least in here you'll be
around kids your age. It'll be like school without all the homework and
math.”

Ordinarily, school without math would have appealed to her, but Lily and
Dad had been an inseparable team ever since Mom left. Lily learned about
mortgages and medical bills, all the syndromes and ituses in the world,
and the most dreaded word of all, “complication.” None of it could
explain why it had to happen to them, but that didn't matter. They faced
everything together. Now Grammy was coming between them like a knife.

“But I have a stomach ache.” The words left Lily's mouth  before she
could remember Rule #2.

2: Never ever ever switch lies.  “I really, really do,” she added
quietly.

“Is this one of your stories, pumpkin?” Dad's tone was a gentle warning.
He never punished Lily for lying unless she lied about lying.

Lily's throat trembled. “Don't leave me, Daddy.”

Dad turned around, and Lily could see that his eyes were misty too.
“Pumpkin, I'm not leaving you. I will never leave you. I'll only be gone
for a few hours today. That's all. And then, just before lunch, I'll be
here to pick you up. Can you be my brave girl?”

Lily took his hand. “I love you, Daddy.”

“And I love you, pumpkin. Go be twelve for a day. Not ninety-two like
everyone else in the waiting room will be.”

* * *

When Lily pulled on the church door and it didn't budge, she hoped that
she was locked out, that Dad would have to take her with him. A harder
pull proved that she was simply doomed to another day of explanations.

Lily was small. She had always been small. While her friends back home
had experienced dramatic growth spurts, Lily still inched along. She was
constantly mistaken for a younger child, constantly spoken-down-to and
cooed-over and shoed-away. Even her extended family tended to forget,
shushing any protestation, so she never looked forward to meeting new
people who would try to rob her of her dignity.

The worst part was she really did need help sometimes. The world wasn't
designed for someone so small. She struggled with doors and needed a
footstool to pour lemonade. Her feet swung under the desk at school. She
may read books for high-schoolers, but in her small mouth the words
sounded precocious to adults.

Lily wanted to run back to her father and to ask him for help just to
spend a few more minutes with him. But she remembered how hard he'd
struggled to lift their boxes, how angry he'd been when he had to hire
the moving company. Lily threw her shoulder into the door and entered
the dim lobby.

“Can I help you?” The receptionist recited the greeting with all the
warmth and enthusiasm of someone reading aloud from the dictionary.

“I'm Lily Darling. I'm, uh, here for daycare.”

“Room nineteen. Down that hall, then up the stairs.” The receptionist
moved a piece of paper from one tray to another.

Just like that, Lily thought. Her life changed as swiftly and
unmomentously as a piece of paper's.

The sounds of children playing drifted down the long hallway, carrying
the smell of cereal and diapers. The church was older than she thought
it'd be. Between the wax bean wallpaper and red-orange carpet, it
reminded her of a used pair of shoes - faded and scuffed. The hall's
doors were all split in half with only the bottom half closed, so Lily
was able to see into most rooms but not well enough to see the
noisemakers. One door was wide open. Bright construction paper declared
“Seven years and heaven bound.” Inside Lily saw five children playing
with finger-paints. They laughed, and their teacher laughed too. Her
hands and apron were as messy as any of theirs.

Maybe daycare wouldn't be so bad, she thought.

In the stairwell, a work-light suspended from the drop ceiling cast
spiraling shadows of the metal railings and the chains that hung from
the empty florescent fixtures. Lily darted up the stairs. She emerged
just outside room nineteen. Dim light filtered through the blinds and
settled like dust on the faces of two kids her age, a boy and a girl,
both playing on their phones with headphones in their ears.

As if afraid to break the hostile silence, a woman tip-toed to the door.
By the woman's sweet smile and the way she leaned down to talk, Lily
instantly knew the woman had mistaken her for a younger child. “Hi,
sweetie. Is there something I can do for you?”

“I'm Lily,” she said expecting that would clear things up.

“Are you lost, Lily?”

The boy looked up from his game. The glare made his glasses flash an
inscrutable white.

Yes, Lily wanted to say. She didn't belong there; she wasn't boring. The
closest thing to a smart phone in her book bag was a sketch book. She
would rather join the group finger-painting than breath the same air as
these zombies.

The woman was still waiting. The patience of her smile overturned by a
smug satisfaction from guessing Lily's situation. Let her believe what
she wants to believe, Lily thought.

“Yes.”

“Well, Lily, how old are you?”

“Seven.”

“I see. Let me send someone to help you. Angela? Angela?” The woman kept
calling until Angela removed one earbud. “Can you escort Lily to Miss
Anne's room?”

* * *

Angela's eyes never once left her phone. Not even on the stairs.

Lily held onto the railing as he inched down the steps. “I'm Lily. I'm
seven,” she said aloud, not expecting Angela to react. Lily wanted to
practice her lie (her Rule #3), thought it couldn't be too hard to pull
off. Not for one day. They would inevitable catch her and lock her in
that dusty cage, but at least she'd have some fun first. The only price
would be a lecture on how Jesus never lied.

At the brightly decorated door, Angela waited until the teacher caught
sight. With a silence less profound than annoying, Angela pointed down
at Lily's head then spun and walked away.

“A new classmate? How unexpected! I'm Miss Anne! What do we call you?”

“I'm Lily. I'm seven.”

“Lily, what a beautiful name. Hey squirrels, everybody say 'hi' to
Lily.”

A rainbow of hands waved enthusiastically. Lily regretted her impulse.
Eleven, ten, nine might have worked, but these seven-year-olds were
smaller than even her. A day as a fugitive might turn into ten minutes.

“We didn't know you were coming, but a new friend is always welcome. I
would shake your hand, but I'm a teensy bit messy.” Miss Anne wiggled
her paint-smeared fingers. “Would you care to join us?”

Lily nodded. (Was her voice too deep?)

Miss Anne turned back to the group. “Betsaida? Would you come meet your
twin and help her find an apron?”

Besides their long black hair, Betsaida and Lily were of one height and
build. Both had even chosen purple shirts, black pants, and
flower-patterned sneakers that morning. They appeared every inch as
twins except for Betsaida's copper complexion.

Betsaida took Lily's hand. “Are you my twin? My really real twin?”

“Yes,” Lily said flatly.

“Yay!”

Betsaida spun in such a happy circle that Lily feared the girl honestly
believed they were long-lost sisters. Eventually Betsaida tied an apron
around Lily and pulled her new twin to the table.

Given blank paper and paint, Lily became self-conscious. The other girls
were painting the usual array of rainbows, horses, and unicorns, so Lily
did the same eventually losing herself in the process.

“Wow, Lily! You're really good!” Betsaida said when Lily finished her
first piece.

Miss Anne and the others enthusiastically agreed. Embarrassed, Lily
tried to tone-down her skill with the next painting. Washing-up came to
soon.

“What do you want to play, Lily?” Betsaida said, merely dabbing her
hands ineffectually with paper towels.

Bookish and artistic even at seven, Lily wasn't sure what little girls
even played anymore. “What's your favorite?”

Stars twinkled in Betsaida's eyes. “Do you watch Princess Andromeda?”

“Um, yeah,” Lily lied. “Who doesn't?”

“Let's play dress up so we can be Star Wardens! Which is your favorite?
Oh! Oh! Do you want to be Sterope and Asterope since we're twins?”

“Okay,” Lily said, thankful Betsaida knew their names. She had seen the
cartoon once or twice, but it wasn't something she ever deliberately
watched.

“I'll be Asterope and you can be Sterope. Or you can be Asterope...”
Betsaida tore through the dress-up box to find the perfect accessories,
but after finding the right crowns, a pair of gossamer wings distracted
her. “Look, I'm a butterfly!”

Lily took a fish-net bag from the box and wordlessly dropped it on
Betsaida's head. Both girls burst into laughter, and the Star Maidens
were forgotten as they tried out other random items.

Lily held up a dress that might have been an adult plus-size. The flower
pattern was hideously, unmistakably grandmotheresque. “Who is this dress
even for?”

“It smells like grandmas.”

“Here, put it on.” Lily said.

Bet's nose wrinkled. “Ew, no way.”

“Trust me. I have an idea,” Lily whispered.

Seconds later, both girls toddled toward Miss Anne with their twin heads
poking out of the oversize dress.

“Miss Anne, we're your new student,” Betsaida said.

“Our name is Lilybet,” Lily said.

Miss Anne tried not to laugh. “You have a lot of cleaning up to do,
Lilybet. If you want to go outside with the rest of us in five minutes.”

Betsaida had as much fun putting the clothes way as she had taking them
out, which made Lily smile. Betsaida made her feel at peace. Not only
for making her stand out less physically, but because the younger girl
immediately incorporated Lily into everything she did. She held Lily's
hand in the line to the bathroom and asked if she needed to stop at the
drinking fountain. Lily didn't remember the last time she'd played on a
playground, but every time she felt self-conscious about her age,
Betsaida invented a new game and Lily was whisked away to a new part of
the playground.

Though Lily remembered most of the games, she felt like she was in
another world. Within view of the mountains and so far from the salt air
of her home, it was easy to feel lost. Whenever the acidic taste of
homesickness welled up, Betsaida called her away from the thoughts until
Lily began to feel like another person, like a visitor in her own skin.

At the same time as a class of older kids appeared, a boy scraped his
knee and cried miserably. Miss Anne and another teacher called their
groups inside, but in the confusion, Betsaida tugged Lily under the
giant plastic slide.

“Shh,” Betsaida whispered. “They're not watching.”

Outwardly Lily smiled, but she realized Betsaida's trick would only draw
attention to herself. She raced after Betsaida once the coast was clear,
but she felt a lump of fear growing in her belly. By stealing extra time
on the playground, they hadn't left the premises nor escaped adult
supervision. Lily knew she wouldn't be in real trouble. But they'd make
a note for Dad and it would call into question where she truly belonged.
Paperwork would be checked, and she'd be whisked back to the dust cage.

As Betsaida ran past her, smiling, Lily wondered how the younger girl
would react when Lily was taken away. She didn't know if Betsaida would
even understand. Would she feel hurt, abandoned? Lily felt guilty for
the pain she hadn't yet caused.

Lily lured her new friend up the jungle-gym and whispered, “No matter
what happens, will you be my friend?”

Betsaida clasped both of Lily's hands and said in a startlingly serious
tone. “Always and always and always. Will you come everyday?”

“Just the days my dad goes to the hospital.”

“Lilybet!” Miss Anne called from the double-doors. “Get your lilly-butts
over here now.”

Both girls giggled.

* * *

Talia was the sort of girl you could only describe as “sweet.” Smaller
than Betsaida by a full head and pale, Lily felt instantly protective of
her when she arrived after recess, but she wasn't as quick or creative
as Betsaida. The latter had set up a veterinarian/groomers station so
Talia and Lily could bring her stuffed animals for treatments and
haircuts.

Talia and Betsaida were fully immersed in the repetition, but Lily was
growing bored. The two boys zipped around the room playing cowboys
loudly, which only frustrated Lily further.

Talia picked up a doll. “Will you do my baby's hair too?” she asked.

“Yes,” said Betsaida.

Lily laughed. The other girls gave her an odd look before ignoring her.

“How would you like her hair cut?” Betsaida asked.

“Braids.”

“Hmm. We need a shampoo to help the baby's hair grow longer.”

“Here's hair growing spray.”

Lily laughed again, and this time Talia looked hurt.

“Oh no, you used to much!” Lily said.

“No, I didn't,” Talia huffed.

“It won't stop growing!” Betsaida said.

Talia looked like she might cry. So Lily, afraid she'd gone to far,
tried to include her in the solution. “Nurse Talia, find another pair of
scissors! We'll have to keep cutting.”

Talia smiled again. “Okay!”

Lily grasped her throat. “The hair's choking me!” she cried before
falling to the ground.

“Me too!” cried Betsaida.

All three girls were rolling around on the ground wriggling when Miss
Anne called out. “Lily, your dad's here.”

Lily sat up in a flash.

Dad stood at the doorway looking down at Lily where she lay beside a
pile of stuffed animals with two wriggling seven-year-old girls in a
room decorated with finger-paintings.

The two boys zipped between them making gun sounds.

She wasn't sure how to read her father's expression, but he most
definitely wasn't pleased.

  Chapter 2

Dad remained silent as they walked to the lobby, which gave Lily a
chance to invent a lie that would explain why she'd been playing with
much younger girls. She considered saying she was helping the teacher or
that there were no other kids her age at the daycare, but both options
invited conversations between her father and the daycare staff. It
wouldn't be good to open with a lie unprompted either. Maybe she ought
to tell the truth, she decided. Dad might understand, and he tended to
forgive lies that didn't hurt anyone.

He finally spoke as he held the front door for her. “It looked like you
were having fun. Not so bad, was it? Did you make new friends?”

“It was okay,” Lily blurted. “I mean, I guess. It was okay.”

“Not even a little better than a hospital?”

“It's all foggy,” Lily mumbled touching her forehead. “Like I was
watching my own body. I remember a voice talking to me. Dad, I think
they're brainwashing me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Really, there are so many songs about Jesus though. You wouldn't even
believe.”

“I'm sure I wouldn't.” He smiled at her, and she smiled in return. “I'm
glad it was okay, Lily. It'll only be a few days each week.”

Grammy was waiting for them in the car. She had her thin reading glasses
on and was staring at a long stream of overlapping post-it notes. “Just
a little shopping before lunch,” she said. “I hope you're not too
hungry.”

Lily hadn't realized she was starving. “Maybe we could get burgers
first?”

“Well...” Dad began.

“Absolutely not,” Grammy said as she threw the car into gear.

From the backseat, Lily stuck out her tongue. She regretted it when the
old car kicked and she bit the tip. “Ow.”

Dad had fallen into the passenger seat with a sigh. He moved slow and
deliberate like he did when rainy days made the aches in his joints
worse. His displeased look began to make sense, and Lily felt guilty for
assuming it was directed at her.

“How was PT, Dad?” Lily asked as the car joined the main road.

“The usual. We did the pool today.”

The pool worked out every muscle, Dad once told her. Swimming felt like
a gym had fallen on his body, but Lily only knew swimming to feel
refreshing, like waking up from a nap. Which is how she felt then.
Rested, energetic, happy.

She was quiet the rest of the drive as she thought about her morning
with Miss Anne, Betsaida, and Talia.

Even in his weary state, Dad must of have noticed, she reasoned. If he
didn't see anything wrong with it, what would happen when Broadmoor
caught on? Maybe she'd be allowed to float between whichever rooms she
chose if she behaved.

* * *

Lily never understood why grocery store bathrooms were deliberately
positioned in the back, beyond the rows of freezers and past every
customer in the store. When she returned to the produce section to meet
Grammy and Dad, she was red-faced from the mad dash she'd made minutes
earlier.

“Did you make it?” Dad asked quietly.

Lily nodded, though the truth was her panties were a touch damp. One of
the many downsides to being small was that when Lily had to use the
restroom, it was always an emergency. She would have gone before leaving
Broadmoor if she'd known the plan to shop. It was annoying always asking
people to wait for her, but it meant she didn't have to rush through
unfamiliar spaces with knees together.

Grammy must have heard Dad, because not only did her nose wrinkle, but
her jaw pulled back and her whole face wrinkled, exposing her
front-teeth like a rodent. Lily wondered if Grammy knew that she'd been
a little late or if she just disapproved of running in the store.

“Do you want avocados, Dad?” Lily asked to change the subject.

Grammy's jaw tucked back again. “Since when do you those, David?”

“I can do without.”

“I was thinking lasagna for tonight,” said Grammy. “Do they go well with
Italian?”

“I can do without,” Dad repeated. “Lasagna sounds good.”

Lily frowned. Dad loved pasta, but he didn't have an appetite for rich
sauces or red meat any more, and when he didn't find the food appealing,
he didn't eat much at all. “That's too cheesy and meaty for Dad,” Lily
said.

“Nonsense. He loves my lasagna.”

“It'll be fine, Lily,” Dad said. “It'll be a good welcome-home meal.”

Lily didn't like it when Dad called Grammy's house “home,” but she knew
she shouldn't say anything. It would never be her home regardless of how
long they stayed. Trailing behind Dad and Grammy like a lost puppy, she
felt excluded and betrayed. She realized it wasn't a feeling that would
dissipate on its own. As Grammy picked cans of beans and vegetables,
jars of tomato sauce, loaves of tasteless bleached bread, she commented
aloud but seemed uninterested in input. Lily already missed the times
Dad would take her to raid the grocery store, quickly, in tandem,
dividing the targets like spies on a mission.

“We're almost out of cookies,” Lily offered as they passed the cookie
aisle.

“Plenty of ginger snaps and peanut cookies.”

“Dad likes Oreos best.”

“It's alright, Lily,” Dad said. “We don't need three kinds of cookies.”

Lily huffed for a moment then decided she'd had enough. She picked a
package of Oreos from the end-cap display, and when Grammy was
preoccupied, Lily hid the package under a box of cereal.

Dad noticed her wide victory smile. “Lily, we should get you more
protection while we're here,” he said and turned the cart into the baby
aisle.

“I've been dry for three days,” Lily reminded him. It was true too. She
was always proud of dry mornings, but Dad only praised her mildly. Once
when Lily was much younger, he had instituted an elaborate check
routine, but lately, he seemed to accept the wet nights as inevitable.
Lily's face grew red when three bags of pull-ups dropped into the cart.

That much longer, she thought.

* * *

Lily lay on the guest bed, bored, with the scrolling images of Chomping
Beaver still burned into her retina. She was beginning to feel sick from
the slime-green wall-paper when the tablet beside her pinged.

Lily picked it up to find a new message from Annabel.

miss u

Lily swiped the message to reply.

miss u 2. sorry i havent been online. we went hiking on mountains today.
i was scared! how ru?

Annabel began writing about her day at the beach with her family. Lily
felt bad for lying, but she didn't want to explain anything to her
friend. It wasn't like she'd see Annabel ever again. She set the tablet
aside when it vibrated again. Lily didn't recognize the username.

]hey shorty. haven't seen you at the pool. chicken out of swim this
summer? afraid your little toes wouldn't touch the bottom?

Kacey, Lily realized. She must have created a new account again. Lily
wondered whether the girl lost passwords or created new accounts to get
through every time Lily blocked her. Maybe her parents kept finding out.
Lily remembered when her dad marched the two blocks, tablet in hand, to
show Kacey's parents what their daughter was writing. Kacey had turned
pale as a skeleton.

Lily typed “who is this?”, but she didn't hit send. She knew replying
would lead nowhere, so she left the tablet on the bed and left the room.

In the office, Dad was on the phone with the moving company. “I don't
see how you lose that many boxes. How big is this warehouse? How often
do things pile up for weeks at a time?”

When the moving company met them at Grammy's, they only brought a few
boxes of kitchen supplies and blankets. They were surprised when Dad
said those weren't everything. He'd been on the phone with the company
every day since with little progress.

Lily walked into the living room and stared at the black TV screen
without turning it on. She felt like a ghost in this house. Bound to it
against her will, though everything in it lay just beyond her reach. The
cabinets and end-tables held a hundred artifacts she could never touch.
Though it was rare to see the television off, it received only the most
basic channels and had no internet connection. She floated through the
rooms looking to pass eternity with little that she could say to change
anything.

Humphrey the dog lift his head from the couch where he'd blended in, his
small body more fluff than muscle and bone. He stared at Lily blankly.

“Hey, pal,” Lily said as she inched closer with one hand out-stretched.
Humprey growled, high pitched like a chew toy.

“Is that you, Lily?” Grammy appeared from the dining room. “Dinner will
be ready in ten minutes. Could you tell your father then wash up?”

Lily walked back through the hallway, pausing at the office door until
Dad noticed her. She made an eating motion.

“Be right there,” Dad mouthed silently.

Lily went back to the guest room and picked up her tablet to see another
message from Kacey.

r u there chicken?

Lily flipped through menus until she found the block user button, but
instead of pressing it, she went back through the settings until she
found the delete account button. She wasn't going home. It seemed
torturous to live both lives, especially when even the worst of her old
life was more exciting than anything in Grammy's  house.

“Ready, Lil?” Dad asked from her door. “You should use the bathroom
first.”

Lily set the tablet down. “Did they find anything?” she asked.

“The moving company? No. The idiots insist we dont even have an account
with them now. Said they never even picked up our boxes.”

“But they already delivered some.” Lily was shocked at how quickly her
voice turned exasperated. Dad's anger was infectious.

“They have a record of that. Of delivering boxes they say never picked
up. The secretary was like talking to a goddamn broken computer.” Dad
shook the dark thoughts from his head. “I'm sorry, princess. You don't
need to hear me venting.”

“You have to sometimes, Daddy. It's not fair if you always have to be
good.”

“That's how it should be for everybody.”

Both stopped when they reached the dining room. The candlelit table was
laid out with Grammy's finest plates and silverware. Crystal-faceted
glasses were at every place, even Lily's. The lasagna smelled
incredible. The steam rising from the spinach even made it look
appealing.

“Mom, you shouldn't have,” Dad said.

“Please, sit,” Grammy said. “You make me nervous standing like that.”

Humphrey pranced around the table, the most animated Lily had ever seen
him. He whimpered at Lily's feet when she sat. She resisted the urge to
growl at him.

“Thank you, Mom. This smells wonderful,” Dad said.

“I'm just thankful to have you two here with me. It's a blessing. Now
dig in.”

Dad smiled sadly. “It's not going to get easier, Mom.”

“You young people, you think your aches and pains are everything. Wait
until you get older, David.”

“I mean it, Mom. The pain gets worse than it has been, and there's not
much to be done about it. I get dark. Lily can tell you.”

“We'll just have to deal with that when the time comes,” Grammy said.
Lily wasn't sure she was even listening to Dad.

Thankfully little was said through the rest of dinner, except more
compliments for the chef. Lily was glad this meant no questions about
daycare.

Lily took a second helping of lasagna though she didn't touch her
spinach. Dad didn't eat much of anything however, which wasn't unusual
but it always made Lily worry. At home, she might have made him one of
his new favorites, but she didn't think Grammy would allow her to use
the kitchen. Besides, just about the only thing they bought that day
that Dad would certainly eat was rice, and she didn't think their rice
cooker had arrived yet.

* * *

Back in the guest room, Lily considered taking a few photographs of her
hideous new room to share online. Her friends would enjoy the
ice-skating porcelain woodland creatures on the dresser.

When Lily picked up the tablet, she was greeted with the delete account
button again. She hesitated, neither clicking it nor switching to the
camera app.

Finally, she clicked delete and left the room.

Lily joined Dad on the couch, and it wasn't long after when Grammy
excused herself for bed. On the TV, a bunch of actors and dancers from a
musical were being forced to live together. Lily found it funny how
often they burst into song and dance while going about the house, but
the long arguments and tantrums seemed pointless to her. How could
anyone get on your nerves in a house that big?

Dad put the TV on mute when the commercials started. “I'm sorry I vented
at you, princess, but thank you for always being there for me. You keep
me accountable.”

“It's nothing, Dad.” Lily smiled.

“And thank you for being so good about daycare. I know you're almost old
enough to be on your own, but you need friends too. It's a new city for
you, us.”

They both turned back to the TV to watch the silent commercials.

“I'm serious, Lily. I would have given up by now if you weren't you.
Thank you for coming here with me.” Dad clicked the mute button again.

On screen, one of the supposedly gay cast members was caught kissing a
girl in the hot tub. Lilly didn't understand why it was anyone else's
business, much less worth getting angry about.

“Dad, this is the worst.”

“The show or living here?”

“Yes.”

Dad laughed.

“Oh, I have a surprise for you,” Lily said. She hopped up and jogged to
the kitchen.

“What's that?”

Lily returned with the package of Oreos. Dad laughed.

“How did you manage that?” He asked.

Lily smirked. “You wouldn't believe me if I told you.”

  Chapter 3

“It's too early,” Lily whined. “Can't we go back to bed for a little
bit?”

Dad was holding the front door of Grammy's house. The world beyond was
gray and wet. “It's not that early,” Dad said.

“Then why is it so dark?”

“We're in the shadow of the mountains. And it's going to rain lat-.”
Thunder interrupted Dad and with a second terrible crash, white shards
of rain shattered upon the ground in a storm of glass. Lily and Dad
bolted for the car.

“That's a good reason to go back to bed too,” Lily said when she was
safe and dry in the backseat.

“Maybe you can put your head down when you get to Broadmoor.”

But Broadmoor was already bursting with energy when Lily arrived at Miss
Anne's door. Betsaida was there, and Talia and the boys from the
previous day. There was a new girl too with long brown hair tied up in a
high ponytail. Miss Anne waved cheerily when Lily and her dad appeared,
but she said nothing at all about birth certificates or paper work like
Lily expected. Lily quickly gave Dad a hug to send him on his way before
he could ask any questions. When Dad was out of sight, Lily relaxed a
little. He wouldn't return until the afternoon, so Lily had plenty of
time to be seven before there was another risk of adults comparing
notes. Lily set her bookbag down in the crate assigned to her and joined
the girls.

“Lily!” Betsaida gave her a big hug.

“Hi, Bet. Hi, Talia.”

“This is Sophie,” Betsaida said.

Sophie chimed in immediately. “We're playing Barbies right now, but
there are only two real Barbies,” she said. “So Lily, I think you'll
have to be a baby or the cat. Which one would you like?”

“I'm the dog!” Betsaida made her little plastic dog jump on the plastic
Barbie-sized couch. “Guau! Guau!” she barked.

“Could I be another dog? There's another one on the shelf.”

“No, I think one dog is enough,” Sophie said with the diplomatic tone of
an adult reasoning with a small child. Not hostile, but a pointed
helpfulness.

“I could be both,” Lily offered. “Cats and babies like to sleep a lot.”

“No, I think you should pick one.”

Sophie's demeanor was more mature, more commanding than Talia or
Betsaida. Lily bristled at the idea of taking orders from a little girl,
but she paused to wonder how her seven-year-old self should react.
Before she said anything, Miss Anne walked by.

“Is everyone playing nicely?”

“Yes, Miss Anne,” the other girls said.

“Lily?” Miss Anne noticed her silence.

“Yes, Miss Anne,” Lily said.

That neither Betsaida nor Talia leaped to her defense probably told her
enough, she reasoned. They were having fun anyway; Betsaida's dog was
licking Talia's doll to a elicit a round of giggles. If not going along
with Sophie's whims meant drawing attention to herself, Lily decided she
could quietly suffer the indignation until she was caught. Today might
be her last day.

“I'll be the baby then.”

“Good.” The way Sophie smiled made Lily wonder whether she'd made the
correct decision. Was seven too old to play baby?

Lily accepted the small doll with its huge head. “Where's my mommy?”

“I'm right here,” said Talia in a high-pitch voice. She moved her doll
closer to Lily's. “There, there, baby.”

“Miss Lorna,” Sophie's doll said to Talia's. “Get baby Daphne ready.
It's our beach party day. We'll need swimsuits and towels and a beach
ball.”

“Guau!” Betsaida agreed.

When the accessories were gathered, Sophie and Talia loaded everything
into a green Barbe-sized car. Lily made crying sounds, but one of the
boys interrupted before Talia could help the baby.

“Hey! We were using that first,” the boy said.

“You have all the cars though,” Sophie said. “We just need one.”

Sophie and the boy argued until Miss Anne intervened, giving the girls
the one car they wanted. Lily noticed the boys push the rest of the cars
into the far corner as a result.

Sophie was giving Talia directions to the beach when Lily felt a sharp
pain in her bladder.

She raised her hand. “Miss Anne, I need to go potty.”

“Go ahead.”

“What?”

“Get up and go. You remember where it is, right?”

Lily ran all the way to the bathroom. She wasn't at all shocked the see
a quarter-sized wet spot on her underwear, but at least her pants were
dry.

Lily was afraid her run would lose her dignity in the eyes of Sophie and
the others, but they didn't seem to react at all. Between a dog kicking
sand over everything, a ball lost to the waves, and a dropped ice cream,
their day at the beach was too catastrophic to care about much else. As
they settled into a routine, Sophie and Talia seemed to enjoy the chaos
that Lily and Betsaida pretended caused. The dog sniffed and chewed
everything Betsaida could reach, and Lily's baby cried every time she
thought of something that a baby might want.

* * *

“Alright, squirrels. It's art time!” Miss Anne said as everyone finished
cleaning up from snack. “Why don't we draw a picture of our families to
hang in the hallway? Try to think of the last time you and your family
had fun. Was it the park, a family cook-out, a vacation? Then draw
that.”

Lily drew a picture of her dad and herself having a Chinese take-out
picnic on the floor of their old house. She tried to copy the other
girls' style, but Miss Anne complimented her anyway. Sophie seemed
jealous. For a seven-year-old, her drawings were actually good. Lily
could tell she was trying to capture her family's hairstyles, whereas
the other girls gave ever girl the same U-shaped hair. Even Betsaida,
whose family seemed to include a hundred cousins all standing around a
pool.

“Miss Anne, are you going to draw one too?” Betsaida asked.

“Sure,” Miss Anne chirped. She sat down and began drawing herself and
someone with gray hair in a wheelchair.

“You're really good, Miss Anne. Who's that?” Betsaida asked. “Is that
your boyfriend? why does he have gray hair?”

Miss Anne laughed. “It's supposed to be my mom.”

“Are you married?” Betsaida asked.

“Oh, no. Not yet at least.”

“You can tell because she doesn't have a ring,” Sophie said.

“Would you marry Lily's dad?” Betsaida asked.

Miss Anne laughed. “Wouldn't that be weird? I don't know him anyway.”

“He came here with Lily. You would make a cute couple.”

Lily had already been silent, but she pulled her chin down in an attempt
to turn invisible. She didn't want Dad and Miss Anne to speak any more
than they had to.

When Miss Anne collected the family portraits, she handed everyone a
blank piece of paper to draw whatever they wished.

“I know,” Sophie said. “Let's play store next. Talia, you can draw the
make-up. Betsaida, you can draw the shoes. I'll draw the dresses, and
Lily, you can draw the money.”

Sophie slid Lily a single green crayon.

“No thanks,” Lily said.

“But we'll need pretend money to play store,” Sophie said with her
diplomatic voice.

“Yeah Lily, how will we buy things without money?” Betsaida asked in her
serious tone.

Sticking out from the other girls might draw more attention to herself,
but Lily had her fill of pretending under Sophie's direction for one
morning. “I'm just going to draw for fun,” she said.

The boys - Jacob and Oscar, she'd learned - were drawing zombies. Left
with only a green crayon, Lily decided to draw one too - copying the
Oscar's blocky square head design.

“Do you like zombies too?” Oscar asked.

Lily shrugged.

“What's your favorite zombie game? Mine's Zombie Invaders. You have to
stack up furniture to keep zombies out of your house. But you have to
stack it so it doesn't fall down on its own.”

Lily noticed that that's exactly what Oscar had drawn too. She smiled
and began to draw toppling stacks of furniture for her zombie.

Oscar continued. “The TVs make a funny sound when the zombies smash
them.”

“What's happening?” Jacob said in a silly voice.

“What's happening?” Oscar repeated.

The girls had borrowed scissors to cut out their designs, and they were
getting up from the table. Betsaida came over to Lily. “Are you sure you
don't want to play store?” she asked.

“Not right now,” Lily said. “Have fun.”

Soon after the girls set up shop, the boys left the table to assemble a
wooden racetrack. Lily decided to join them and chose a sleek silver car
for herself. The boys pushed the cars around the track, crying “I'm
stuck!” or “watch out!” when the cars crashed into on another or left
the track. It was simple fun, and Lily let her mind drift sleepily as
she quietly participated.

“You don't talk very much, do you?” Oscar asked after a while.

Lily shrugged. She'd started watching the other girls, and she caught
Betsaida glancing at her. Lily wondered if they were still friends in
the younger girl's mind. Was this a horrible slight for a
seven-year-old? Or perhaps kids didn't feel attachment as deeply. She
remembered cycling through a few friends at that age. No one took it
personally for more than a day or two.

Lily was crossing the overpass of the racetrack when she heard Talia
whine. “But that's the last of my money.”

“You'll have to sell something back to the store then,” Sophie said.
“I'll give you one dollar for those boots.”

Talia seemed near tears. “But you said they cost twelve.”

“Watch out!” Jacob cried as his car crashed into Lily's and few off the
overpass.

Lily looked to Miss Anne, who was chatting at the door with another
teacher. “Talia, do you want to come play cars?” Lily asked and held out
the lone pink car.

“Sure,” Talia said.

Sophie gave Lily the darkest scowl.

* * *

“No, Talia, you sit with me,” Sophie said.

The smaller girl had almost taken a seat next to Lily, with whom she'd
played the rest of the morning. After the admonishment, Talia lowered
her gaze and sat next to Sophie at the opposite side of the round table.

Lunch was a glob of sticky mac and cheese and a handful of flimsy carrot
slices. It looked awful, and Lily lost her appetite the moment the trays
were brought into the room. She hoped Dad wouldn't have too many full
days in the weeks to come. She'd rather suffer through Grammy's tuna
fish salad than eat more food like this.

Lily was sipping her fruit punch when she felt her bladder spasm again.
“Miss Anne?” She clamped her legs together and ran for the bathroom.
Again, no one seemed to find anything unusual or comical about it, not
even Sophie.

“Not hungry, Lily?” Miss Anne asked after Lily returned.

“I don't like mac and cheese,” Lily answered, pushing the rubbery pasta
around her plate.

“You must have very mature tastes,” Miss Anne said. “Sadly, it's the
only lunch you'll get. So be sure to eat all your carrots.”

“Talia, I'll trade you my carrots for your cookie,” Sophie said.

“Well...”

“No trading, squirrels,” said Miss Anne to Lily's relief. The brittle
cookie was the only appealing part of the whole lunch and she'd be
reluctant to give hers to Talia.

After lunch, Miss Anne led everyone in a few songs, and Lily was
surprised she knew some, like “This Little Light” and “Michael Row Your
Boat.” They weren't all as Jesus-y as she'd pretended with Dad. Lily did
find it hard to hide her talent again, and she earned a few complements
from Miss Anne. Sophie's eyes burned like the candle in the song.

“Now just the girls,” Sophie said.

“Alright, just the girls,” Miss Anne echoed.

The girls had only sung one line before Sophie cut in. “Not you Lily,
you're with the boys today.”

Lily shrugged it off, and Sophie seemed to regret her idea when Lily's
voice rose above the bashful Jacob and mumbling Oscar when the “boys”
had their turn.

Another teacher knocked on the door. “The sun's out. Anybody want to go
outside?”

The class erupted into a roar.

* * *

“Monkey bar race!” Oscar shouted.

The whole group cheered and ran for the monkey bars, boys and girls.
Sophie climbed up the ladder, shouting “Me first!” Slowly she swung from
bar to bar. Lily could see her little fingers loosening their grip until
finally she let go, one bar away from the end.

Oscar took the next turn. Quicker than Sophie, he swung his whole body
from bar to bar. He made it to the far end and back again before
dropping to the ground.

Betsaida only gripped the first bar, afraid to swing as she reached in
vain for the next bar in quick snatches. Lily watched her muscles strain
and remembered watching Dad move boxes, how he struggled to accept that
his strength was gone.

“Your turn, Talia,” Oscar said.

“I can't.” Talia, ordinarily pale, looked white as snow.

“It's not that scary,” Betsaida said, but Talia only shook her head
vehemently.

“Lily then?” Oscar asked.

“I can't either.”

“I can show you how,” Oscar said.

“I'm not scared. I'm stretchy. I'm not allowed to hang like that.”

Everyone gave Lily a skeptical look. “Why not?”

“See?” Lily took one thumb in her other palm and bent it back toward her
wrist to show the others. It was just a thing people could do in her
family, but she knew the reaction it inspired in others. “I would pop an
arm out of my shoulder.”

“Ewww,” Betsaida and Oscar said, though only the former recoiled.

“Cool,” said Talia. “What else can you do?”

Lily placed her hands on her hips and bent her elbows forward.

“Stop it, that's gross,” Sophie said.

“You look like a twisted zombie,” said Oscar.

Lily moaned. “Eeeeuuuurrrrrgh.”

“Run!” Betsaida shouted.

With her arms swinging oddly, Lily chased the others around the
playground.

Only Sophie remained motionless. “So gross.”

  Chapter 4

Dad pushed the coffee-table toward the wall to make open space in the
living room. “Lily, the moving truck is going to be here in a few
minutes. Don't you want to change out of those pajamas?”

Lily merely mumbled in reply. The moving truck didn't seem worth
interrupting her Saturday morning ritual: lying on the couch with the
tablet resting on her knees, a bowl of dry cereal and a glass of apple
juice within easy reach. She'd borrowed the tablet to watch Princess
Andromeda and the Star Maidens, who raced across the screen in brightly
animated blurs between impassioned speeches on friendship. Grammy was
outside doing gardening, so Lily didn't even care that her damp pull-up
was in plain view. When the moving company arrived, Lily only moved her
knees to hide her undergarment.

The four heavy men brought a box each into the living room, carrying
them on their shoulders and walking in a line like some lost desert
tribe, portering under Dad's imperial supervision. After the men brought
three more boxes in, their leader talked with Dad outside. Dad's voice
climbed higher into frustration, but soon the moving company's truck
grumbled up the street. Lily paused her show and watched as Dad entered
and silently cut open a box.

“Julia and Selene are coming over,” Dad said.

Lily's feet hung a few inches from the carpet. “Where did the moving
guys go?”

Dad sighed. “This is it for today, I guess. The rest are still lost.”

“How did they lose that many boxes?”

“I don't want to talk about it, Lily. Get dressed.”

* * *

“Oh my god, this room,” gasped Selene as she followed Lily into the
guest room. “How are you not creeped out every minute?”

Selene practically dropped a box onto the floor as she ran for the
dresser. Like most of the house, the top was covered with lace and
Grammy's porcelain figurines.

“You get used to it, I guess,” Lily said as she watched her cousin. “Um,
we're not supposed to touch those.”

“I remember.” The lenses of Selene's thick-rimmed glasses nearly scraped
the paint from the figurines as she bent to examine them. “I forgot
there were so many,” Selene continued. “I haven't been here since I was
little.”

All too vividly Lily could picture the long-limbed teenager tripping and
knocking everything over. She couldn't believe how much Selene had grown
since last summer. It was as if someone had stretched Selene's body into
a grown-up's overnight without adding any weight and Selene was learning
how to walk all over again. Under her baggy long-sleeved top, Selene
moved like a scarecrow, a stick-figure with a pumpkin head.

“All these huge empty eyes though.” Selene swiveled the figurines
despite Lily's warning. “Jesus fuck, Lily, there are so many clowns. Why
do old people like clowns?”

“I kind of like the owls.” Lily pointed to the display boxes at the head
of the bed. “It's like they're watching over you when you sleep.”

“Watching your soul until they eat it.” Selene swung her dark ponytail
side to side. “Let me get another box then I can help unpack, okay?”

It seemed weird to have invited Aunt Julia and Selene to unpack four
boxes, but Lily wasn't able to lift them and Dad wasn't allowed. As
Selene passed, Lily couldn't help but feel the growing difference. Being
a few years older, Selene had always been taller and stronger, but she
had crossed that cloud-obscured line between kid and adult. If she
didn't stop climbing, she would be taller than Dad within a year.

Lily unswiveled the few figurines she could reach on the dresser. The
clowns were creepy, she decided, but some of the ice-skating ones were
cute. The skunk family had toddler triplets trailing behind, grasping a
piece of string with tiny paws. Lily only wished they weren't so
fragile. Resisting the urge to touch them was a daily struggle, but she
doubted Grammy would let her have any to call her own.

When Selene returned, the cousins tore into the boxes and sorted their
contents. Everything went into neat piles as if the girls were taking an
inventory of Lily's new life. She was embarrassed to find that, aside
from a few sets of clothes, the boxes were mostly full of her old toys.
Her princess tea set, a life-like baby doll, and her Koala Town tree
house - all held dear memories, but she had hoped for books or art
supplies.

“Is this really everything?” Selene finally asked.

“The moving company lost a bunch of stuff.”

“Well,” Selene began to fit Lily's unpacked clothes onto hangers. “We
can go shopping together now that you live in Wenahachee. We'll find you
some more mature outfits before school starts.”

“Sure,” said Lily before she felt her bladder twinge. “Um, excuse me.”

Lily dashed to the bathroom, a little flushed in her face for having
lost track of her needs in front of Selene. When she returned, she found
Selene gently lowering some porcelain figurines into one of the moving
boxings.

“What are you doing?”

“I was thinking. Since you'll need places to put all your stuff and
since you're living here now anyway, Grammy would probably want to put
these somewhere safe, right?”

“Maybe, but...” Lily began.

“And since we had these empty boxes and paper right here... I mean,
they'll be safer this way, right?”

“Yeah, but shouldn't we ask first?” Lily walked over to the box where
Selene had already packed a few figurines. The wrinkled paper had
partially fallen away from one of the clowns to reveal a severed arm
where it had once held a fishing rod. Panic climbed up Lily's throat.
“Selene! What did you do? Grammy's going to kill us.”

“It was an accident. Look, if we box them up right, Grammy won't even
notice until shes take them back out again, right? And when will that
be? When you move out for college?”

Lily sighed. If they were going to lie, it would be best to delay the
discover. She remembered her rules.

Rule #4 Cover the lie with a good deed.

“Besides,” Lily conceded, “if I'm here forever, she'll have to box them
up eventually. We just did it for her. Let's leave the owls though.”

Lily practiced the half-lie in her head as they wrapped and packed more
figurines.

They hadn't packed half when Selene broke the silence. “Do you know what
school you're going to?”

Lily shrugged. “No, not really.”

“Probably Spencer. The only other two junior highs are private. You'll
like it okay, I guess. Hope you don't get Mr Stanley for math. My friend
Amy had him, and he hated her. He would always lose her homework even if
she turned it in. He even got her test mixed up once and entered the
grade all wrong so she failed the class. And that's not even counting
that time he said something really creepy to her in the hall once...”

Selene continued, rambling through her and Amy's experiences with other
teachers at Spencer. Lily began to find Amy's views suspicious and the
appeal of junior high wore off the deeper Selene went.

“So you're in daycare? What's that even like?” Selene's question
startled Lily.

“It's okay,” Lily answered. “A little lame,” she added remembering who
she was supposed to be that moment.

“What do you even do there?”

“Mostly I read.”

“Are there any cute boys there?”

Lily knew what Selene meant, but she thought of Oscar, short and stocky
and obsessed with zombies and cars. Hardly what Selene had in mind, but
not really so different from boy's Lily's age. Lily smiled at the
thought.

“Oh my god, there is, isn't there?”

Lily's smile unraveled nervously, but before she could reply, she felt
her bladder twinge again. She clamped her legs together. “Excuse me.”

She started to dash when Selene spoke. “You have to use the bathroom a
lot, huh? Are you like diabetic?”

Lily stopped and shook her head. She hoped there was no wet spot
emerging on her pants. Selene said no more.

* * *

When Lily returned, she found the guest room empty. She could hear
voices in the kitchen and guessed Selene had joined the adults. Lily
closed the door behind her and quickly changed into a new pair of
underwear. The wet pair she buried deep in her hamper.

Lily paused to look over her old toys. Seeing how little of her old life
remained, she felt the floating ghost-sensation return. She couldn't
quite remember how being herself was supposed feel, but this constant
movement wasn't it.

Too ghostly to join the others, she sat on the carpet to collect
herself. Alone, in that moment, she felt very seven. So she searched
through the rooms and closets of her Koala Town tree house, but she
couldn't find the little dolls. The real seven-year-old Lily had loved
them with their fuzzy faces and stubby limbs. She wondered if Betsaida
or the other girls at daycare would have even heard of the show.
Disappointed, she decided to see what everyone was talking about.

Lily followed Aunt Julia's voice rising from the living room.

“And look at those glasses! Have you seen rims that thick since those
awful ones we had when we were kids? We only wore those because they
were the only thing the drug store sold. Now Selene insists it's
fashion.”

“It is.” Selene said. She and Dad were both sitting on the couch.

Aunt Julia walked in circles in front of them. She had a way of talking
with her whole body that seemed to sap everyone else's energy. “Well I
don't see it. And I swear she only wears black.”

Selene let out a frustrated groan.

“So anyway, that's what you have to look forward to, David.”

“I don't know. Lily and I get along pretty well. Right, Lily?”

Lily nodded as she fully entered the room.

“We did too once,” said Aunt Julia.

“No, we didn't,” Selene muttered, but Aunt Julia talked over her.

“How are you, Lily?” Aunt Julia took Lily by the shoulder and combed her
hand through Lily's hair. “Look at that hair! So long and thick. You
must take very good care of it. Promise me you won't cut it? And you're
getting so tall!”

Lily watched Dad's face contort just as hers must have. A millimeter
maybe, she wanted to say.

“Are you adjusting alright?” Aunt Julia continued. “Making friends?”

“Yeah,” Lily said. “A couple of friends.”

“That's nice. Hopefully some will be in your class at school. Is she
going to Broadmoor in the fall for sure, David?”

“You mean the school?” Dad asked. “I think we looked into it, but I
don't remember if I filled out the application.”

“She's bright enough. I think any school would love to have her. She is
a Darling after all, and we have a reputation here.”

“Mom, we're not Darlings,” Selene said.

“I am, or, well, I was.” Aunt Julia brushed the detail away. “We need to
do some shopping still for dinner. Do you want to come with us, Lily?”

“Or maybe I could stay here,” Selene offered, but her mother didn't seem
to hear her.

“I don't know,” Lily mumbled. She had been looking forward to a little
quiet time before the family dinner.

Dad came to her rescue. “We'll probably want to wash up before we head
out.”

“Suit yourself.” Aunt Julia shrugged.

Dad pointed to the box near Selene's feet. “What's in the box? Was that
not all yours, Lily? Please tell me it's from the old office.”

“Um, we packed some of Grammy's decorations in it. Since it's my room
now, and so I couldn't accidentally break them.”

“You did what?” Lily didn't realize Grammy had been listening from the
kitchen, but she came storming into the room on cue. “Let me see those.”

“We wrapped them,” Lily added. “To keep them safe.”

Grammy dug through the box, unwrapping and inspecting each figurine,
checking her mental list for every baseball clown and every spinning
squirrel. Dad and Aunt Julia hadn't reacted as quickly, but their
eyebrows dropped and cast shadows over their eyes.

“I'm so clumsy sometimes,” Lily continued, cheerily to diminish the
impact of what they'd done. “Dad, you know. Sometimes we're just dizzy.”

“What happened to this one?” Grammy held up the armless fisherman.

“I dropped it,” Lily said immediately. Dad would be disappointed, but
Lily had heard the way Aunt Julia talked to Selene. She didn't want to
see her cousin tormented on her account. “It was me, I dropped it. I'm
sorry, Grammy.”

“Just go to your room,” Grammy snapped. “We'll talk about your
punishment later.”

“But...”

“Do as she says, Lily,” Dad said. “We'll talk later.”

* * *

From her window, Lily watched Aunt Julia, Selene, and Grammy as they
filed out of the house. She was glad to be rid of the sound of Grammy
chuffing up and down the hallway.

“Nosy little girls,” Grammy muttered outside Lily's door. “Can't keep
their hands to themselves.”

Lily was used to Dad's gloomy bouts when he was in pain, but she found
it disturbing to hear a grown-up pace and moan. More than disappointed,
Grammy took the offense personally and acted as if the air around Lily
was toxic. Once the figurines were accounted for, there was no stopping
Grammy from leaving for Bob and Julia's early though Dad still wanted to
clean up.

Dad knocked once on her door then opened it. “I'm disappointed in you,
Lily. You need to follow Grammy's rules.”

“I know. I'm sorry. I was only trying to help.” Lily hung her head low.

“I'm going to take that shower. Oh, before I forget again, Broadmoor
sent some paperwork back with us yesterday. They said there were some
inconsistencies, but I couldn't find anything. If I grab the papers,
would you give them a look?”

“Sure,” Lily said.

It wasn't unusual for Dad to unload paperwork onto Lily. She read his
letters sometimes and had filled out dozens of patient history forms in
his name. Dad's wrists hurt and his fingers went numb, but sometimes he
wasn't able to focus. Although he laughingly blamed his pinched nerves
and the dizzy spells they shared, Lily was always afraid it was due to
his poor eating habits.

Sitting at the kitchen table with the papers spread out, it didn't take
long for Lily to spot the problems. Dad had used their old ZIP code half
the time, and he'd mixed up Lily's birthday with her mother's. Lily
wondered why her mother would be on his mind. Lily used to imagine
running into her in random places, but as the years went by, she
realized Mom probably wouldn't even recognize her own daughter.

Lily had erased the birth dates on the forms before she realized her
opportunity. She checked and double checked her math, then filled in the
new date.

“I'm almost ready, princess. Did you find anything?”

“You used our old ZIP and got my birthday wrong.”

“October 18, right?”

“Yeah, but you wrote the wrong year.” She knew it was unlikely Dad would
ask to check her work. Not over something so easy.

“Huh. Must have been a long day. Be ready in a minute, okay? Don't
forget to go potty before we go.”

Lily tucked the papers into her backpack and smiled. She might be a
ghost at home, but at least she would be grounded somewhere. According
to Broadmoor Prebysterian's daycare, Lily Eliza Darling was officially a
very real seven-year-old girl. Eight in October.

* * *

Every time Lily visited Bob and Julia's house, she was reminded of a
Russian doll. She always seemed to discover a new room. She stood
transfixed at the large dining room windows where light filtered through
the tall trees. The house overlooked one of the many forests that
surround Wenahachee, full of shadow and mystery.

Grammy and Julia were bringing dishes out of the first-floor kitchen.
(Lily remembered being impressed when she learned there were two
kitchens.) Everyone else was standing around the table, which was laid
out with a large ham and countless combinations of cheese and spices and
vegetables.

“Let me feel that bicep,” Dad said to Gavin. The five-year-old flexed
proudly. “Wow,” Dad said, ”have you been going to the gym?”

“He's growing so fast, isn't he?” Julia said. “And finally out of
pull-ups. Just in time for kindergarten.”

“But I don't want to go to kindergarten!” Gavin huffed.

“Congrats, Gavin,” Dad said. “You're going to meet so many girls in
school.”

“Yuck!” Gavin gagged. Everyone laughed.

“Shall we?” Uncle Bob motioned everyone to sit as he picked up the
carving knife.

Aunt Julia took Lily's plate and held it out for Uncle Bob.

“It's your own fault,” Grammy muttered to Julia as they pulled up their
chairs. “You kept him in those diapers so long.”

Lily felt a hole tear through her stomach. Did Grammy think she was a
disappointment? Even before the clown broke?

“He wouldn't be the only one,” Aunt Julia said as she loaded Lily's
plate with sides. “Kindergarten is full of kids who still have accidents
these days.”

Selene helped herself to the diner rolls. “Do you think all-day
kindergarten is the problem?”

“Do they do that hear?” Dad asked.

Grammy interrupted. “Never would have happened in my day. You were both
dry day and night by two.” Grammy talked noisily with food in her mouth,
and she scowled dreadfully at her plate as if no one else was at the
table. “Today everyone thinks kids need to be comfortable all the time.
No one has to face any consequences at all.”

Lily felt heat rising up her neck. She found herself wishing Grammy
would just be quiet.

“I'm sure that's an exaggeration, Mom,” Dad said. “Are you ready to go
back to work, Jules?”

Julia spun her fork. “You know me. I'm not one of those mommies on the
internet all day. SeleneAndGavinsMagicalMommy or whatever. Have you seen
those blogs, David? They don't know any more than you or I, but they
spend their whole day doling out unsolicited, backwards advice. It's
unbelievable.”

Selene snorted into her hand.

Bob smiled over at Julia. “It'll be good to have her around the office
again. What about you, David? Are you ready to be unemployed?

Dad laughed. “Under better circumstances, I might enjoy it. For a week.
But I'm glad I get to enjoy Lily's summer vacation with her for once.”

Lily smiled at Dad, but her mind drifted through the rest of the
conversation. She had an idea.

  Chapter 5

As she tip-toed through the living room, Lily concentrated on her rules
as if they might shield her from notice.

Rule #5 Self-incriminating lies work best.

Miss Anne had overlooked her height for the time being, but if Lily
continued to be the smartest and the best at everything, she was
inviting further scrutiny. She needed some small but undeniable detail.
Something Miss Anne might not have noticed yet, but also something
meaningful and important. And that was why she risked being discovered
by Dad and Grammy.

Seven-year-old Lily wore pull-ups, she'd decided.

It was a good plan, she convinced herself the night before. The real
Lily had plenty of accidents at that age, so it wasn't impossible to
believe. If Aunt Julia knew kids in kindergarten who still wore
pull-ups, a seven-year-old in training paints couldn't be unheard of.
The genius of it, Lily decided, was that it worked both ways. If Miss
Anne had never dealt with a kid in pull-ups before, then she was less
even likely to suspect Lily of being older. Lily smiled at her own
cleverness. Normally an unusual lie is an obvious lie, but this was the
perfect solution.

Neither Dad nor Grammy gave Lily the side-eye as she sat in front of her
breakfast. That was one obstacle completed, she thought, but it meant
the second obstacle might be more complicated. How was Miss Anne
supposed to discover seven-year-old Lily's deepest secret?

“Earth to Lily,” Dad said. “Your cereal is getting mushy.”

“Oh,” Lily exhaled. “Good morning.”

“Sleepwalking, huh? Did you sleep well.”

“Yeah,” Lily said around a bite of mushy cereal. “What doctor do you see
today?”

“We're doing the robot pill swallow.”

“Cool. I mean, um, it's not going to hurt is it?” Lily's cheeks burned
at her mistake. She forced her other thoughts from her mind.

Dad grinned. “It is kind of cool, isn't it? I wouldn't want too have
that job though. Watching video after video of people's insides. seeing
icky gluey clumps of cereal.”

Lily snickered.

Grammy retracted her head, turtlelike, into her boney shoulders. “That's
enough of that.”

* * *

While Betsaida set up a a row of zoo cages using wooden blocks, Lily
combed the shelves for toy animals. Betsaida was intent on making “the
biggest zoo anyone's ever seen,” so Lily searched for each and every
animal in the room. Lily guessed the daycare's toys had been donated by
Broadmoor's churchgoers because the animals came in all shapes, sizes,
and degrees of realism. Some lions were smaller than the cows, some
bears were black, brown, or orange. It bothered Lily more than Betsaida
or the others, though they all had their favorites. Lily's was a tiger
whose fierce but unrealistic expression looked like a decorative mask,
but she couldn't find it.

On the bottom shelf behind a primary-colored radio that never had
batteries, Lily found three familiar plastic dolls. The Koala family
from Koala Town were exactly as she remembered with their great big eyes
and a thin layer of fuzz on their heads and limbs. Lily hadn't played
with hers in years, but seeing these, she grew angry at the moving
company for losing hers. These weren't cheap blobs of plastic, these
dolls had delicately painted faces, tiny sculpted toes, and tiny clothes
as finely tailored to the doll. From the corner of her eye, Lily glanced
at Miss Anne. While her teacher was typing on her phone, Lily casually
slipped the koalas into the pockets of her hoodie.

“What did you find?” Betsaida approached Lily from behind unnoticed.

Lily jumped. “A lot,” she said, casually ignoring the toys that had
accidentally fallen into her pocket. “I can't find my tiger though.”

In handfuls of jumbled wings and legs, they carried the animals to their
cages.

“I made stairs and a tower for them to climb on,” Betsaida said. “And
there are little doors between the cages so they can play with each
other.”

Lily smiled. Whatever had come between them had vanished over the
weekend, and Betsaida was eager to be Lily's constant companion again.
Lily enjoyed seeing the other girl's imagination at work.

“I'm gonna go potty, then I'll be right back,” she said.

Despite the pain in her bladder, Lily didn't feel a drop of moisture as
she rushed to the restroom. Of all the days to stay dry, she thought.
She was thankful none of the kids noticed her pull-up, but it still left
her wondering how to trick Miss Anne into discovering her secret. The
classroom was so noisey and the children so many that it wasn't easy
attracting close attention.

On her return from the bathroom, Lily stuck her hands in her hoodie
pocket and felt the koala family nestled there.

She was ashamed for her impulse to take them. The daycare's toys
belonged to everyone, she knew, even if they were special to her. But
anger at the moving company rose in her throat again, and without
further deliberation she opened her backpack and hid the koalas inside.

* * *

“And so with another mystery solved, Tattercoat hung her detective hat
and went to bed,” Miss Anne read from the picture book . “The end.”

Everyone clapped. They were sitting on the floor around Miss Anne in a
semi-circle. Though they had listened attentively, Lily noticed
Betsaida's knees were bouncing, and Lily suspected she and many others
were itching to move.

“So.” Miss Anne leaned toward the class as she closed the book. “How was
that version of Cinderella different from the ones you've heard before?”

“She wasn't called Cinderella,” Oscar said. “And the boy dropped the
glove.”

“Instead of a castle she went to a Halloween party,” Sophie added.

“Very good detective work, you two,” Miss Anne continued. “Here's what I
want everyone to do: find a partner, then come up with your own versions
of a Cinderella story. It can be about a girl or a boy, and they can go
to a castle or a party or a grocery store or the zoo or anywhere.”

Betsaida squeezed Lily's hand. Lily smiled back. The other pairs were
the same.

Miss Anne raised a finger. “But one character needs to wear a disguise
to get there just like Cinderella and Tattercoat. And somebody needs to
leave a clue behind. Once everyone has their stories ready, you're going
to act it out for everybody. Got it?”

“Got it!”

“You should be Tattercoat,” Betsaida said to Lily.

“Then you should be her twin, Tattersocks,” Lily said.

“That's crazy!” Betsaida laughed.

“Be as crazy as you like,” Miss Anne said. “I expect you two especially
to make me laugh.”

“And us too?” Sophie asked as she took Talia's hand.

“We can make her laugh more,” Betsaida said.

“Sounds like a challenge,” Miss Anne cut in. “You girls better get
started if you want to win. You can all use any dress-up clothes or toys
that you need.”

Betsaida and Lily raced to the dress-up clothes box. As Lily dug through
the pile, Betsaida handed her a tiara.

“No,” Lily said. “Princesses aren't funny enough. “We need to be...
monsters!” She held up a pair of hoods with pointy ears, horns, and
random tufts of hair and scales.

“Yes!” Betsaida said as she strapped on her hood. “No! Monsters
pretending to be...”

“Cows!”

“Yes!” Betsaida ran to the toy shelf. “And we can use this little farm
instead of a castle.”

“And the farmer falls in love with us!” Lily was laughing hard enough
that she was afraid her bladder might burst, but she didn't feel any
dampness.

“Let me go potty, then we can  practice?”

“I'll go too.” Betsaida took her hand.

Through the quiet hallway, Lily became conscious of every movement and
sound that her feet and clothes made. Betsaida was swinging her arm,
which made it hard for Lily to control her steps. At least the extra
awareness kept her bladder in check, she realized. She didn't feel any
wetness at all.

“Why are you walking funny?” Betsaida asked.

“I'm not,” Lily said before rising on her toes to exaggerate her
short-stepped shuffle, making Betsaida laugh.

In the restroom, with Betsaida in the second stall, Lily lowered her
pull-up slowly. The whole time she peed, she feared Betsaida would poke
her head under the wall, but Betsaida was quick to go and wash, though
she talked the whole time.

“You should come to my house,” Betsaida was saying. “We have a pool.”

“What?” Lily asked before flushing. She yanked her underwear up quickly
while the sound of rushing water filled the room.

“We really do,” Betsaida continued. “A big one. Not a baby one.”

Standing on the step-stool in front of the sink, Lily looked down at her
friend for any sign that the baby comment was a tease, but Betsaida
smiled. Lily merely sprinkled her hands with water before getting down,
afraid a dizzy spell would send her to the floor and expose her
waistband.

Betsaida squeezed her hands together. “It would be lots of fun. Please?”

“I'll ask my Dad,” Lily said.

In the hallway, they saw Sophie kneeling beside the row of crates that
contained the seven-year-olds' backpacks and jackets.

“Hey Sophie,” Betsaida called before sticking out her tongue.

Sophie jumped and scrambled into the room without a word.

“I wonder what she was doing.”

“Hold on,” Lily said. She bent over where Sophie had been and where
Lily's backpack lay, unzipped. Lily hadn't left it that way, had she?
She wouldn't have. Not with the pull-ups and koalas inside. Had Sophie
been snooping through her things? Lily discretely checked inside, but
she found the koalas, spare-pull up, and her art journal all safe where
she'd left them.

“That was weird,” Betsaida said. “I wonder what she was looking for. Do
you want to tell, Miss Anne?”

This could be her chance, Lily thought. But what if Sophie had seen the
dolls or the pull-up? What would Sophie do if Lily told on her?

“She didn't take anything,” Lily said. “It's fine.”

* * *

Lily rubbed her chin. “So the farmer said, 'So you're the cows who left
those socks in my barn!' And then they all lived happily ever after--”

“--and ate lots more hay pie!” Betsaida added.

“The end.” Lily and Betsaida bowed as they said the last words.

“Very good, Lilybet.” Miss Anne led the class in applauding.

Betsaida bounced on her bare toes. “You laughed three times! Did we
win?”

“I think you did. For a prize, you get to lead us out to the
playground.”

Betsaida grabbed Lily's hand and raced for the door.

“Hold up, you two. I said lead not run. And you forgot your socks!”

Lily pulled Betsaida in a circle around the room, leading back toward
the miniature barn stuffed with their socks. On the way, she couldn't
help notice the way Sophie's eyebrows drew closer together over her
darkened eyes.

* * *

When the car pulled into Grammy's driveway, Dad turned off the engine
and sighed, but he didn't unbuckle his seatbelt. Lily was afraid to move
first unless her underwear might make a sound.

“My primary is suggesting braces,” Dad said.

“For your teeth?”

“No, for my wrists and legs.”

“Will that help?”

“It will help everyone see that something is wrong with me,” Dad
snapped.

Lily sat quietly waiting for the apology that normally followed Dad's
bursts of anger, but Dad unbuckled himself in silence. Lily was still
waiting when Dad slammed the front door behind himself.

When he was at his darkest, Dad often summoned the image of himself in a
wheelchair. Lily always thought a wheelchair could be fun, but Dad never
wanted anyone to know there was anything wrong. He was often paranoid
that people were watching him, judging him. Lily sometimes had to beg
him to pick up his prescriptions because he otherwise didn't want talk
to the pharmacists.

Even at his worst though, he had always been apologetic and thankful to
her though.

“If he won't apologize, then I won't help him,” she said aloud. Her eyes
stung, but she sat motionless and alone until she was sure no one inside
the house would suspect she was crying.

Lily ran straight to her bed room to hide in the hope that Grammy would
forget about her pending punishment. Nothing had been said after the
dinner at Aunt Julia's, so Lily hoped her alleged crime had been
forgotten. She felt a light urge to pee, but since it wasn't an
emergency yet, she decided it could wait.

Lily unzipped her backpack and laid the three new dolls out on the bed.
Two girls and their father: Mitsy, Bitsy, and Papa Koala. It wasn't much
of a family, she thought, but it was better than none.  She wasn't sure
what to do with them, whether to hide them or whether Dad wouldn't
really notice a couple of extra toys. She really owned the dolls, it's
just hers were lost.

Thinking about Dad make her chest hot and hurt, so she took the
treehouse down from her dresser, and laying on the floor, she began to
arrange all the furniture inside. She wondered all the while what
Betsaida might do, imagining her friend there and helping her.

When she'd set up the baby's room, she picked up Mitsy and Bitsy. On a
whim, she placed the older daughter in the playpen. “Papa, Papa,” she
said in Bitsy's squeaky voice. “Mitsy's a baby again!”

“That won't do, that won't do,” she huffed in Papa's voice. “We'll have
to teach her a lesson about telling stories.”

“Lily, come here.” Grammy's voice shook like thunder, sudden and
booming. It sent a bolt of lightning through Lily's toes and into her
hands, where she promptly dropped the koalas.

“I have your first punishment. Chore, really. If you're so eager to feel
at home and move my things about, you may as well start doing chores, I
say.”

Lily didn't respond, but she followed Grammy into the bathroom. A stack
of old, frayed towels sat on the toilet, and on top of them, a bottle of
dog shampoo.

“For today you can give Humphrey his bath. Be sure to scrub his belly.
The dirt cakes up under his little legs and the fur gets matted. And
don't make the water too hot for my little precious.”

Lily nodded through Grammy's meandering instructions. Even as Grammy
said sweet things about the dog, Lily noticed her eyes were as
cold-blooded as ever.

“I guess that's it. Oh, you might want to strip down to your undies or
put on some old clothes. Humphrey's a little shaker.”

Lily had to load one of the dog's treats with peanut butter to coax him
into the bathroom with her. He didn't stop growling at her until the
treat was in his mouth. She pulled her hand back quickly lest he take a
finger.

While Humphrey sat in a corner with his tongue flickering in and out to
capture the last bits of peanut butter, Lily let the tub fill and
stripped to her underwear. She realized then that though the pink,
heart-dotted pull-up wasn't as heavy as the one she removed that
morning, her bladder had leaked at some point because the pull-up was
definitely wet. She shouldn't have been surprised, she knew, but it was
new to have not felt the dampness. Humphrey stared at her contented and
non-judgmental, and Lily decided to leave her pull-up in place since she
was only about to get wetter.

She was afraid the old gray dog would bite her when she picked him up,
but having figured out what was up, he seemed resigned to the bath. He
whimpered through the whole ordeal, and though he indeed shook a lot, he
didn't resist Lily's attempts to scrub him. When she let him hop out of
the tub so she could dry him with the towels, his fluffy tail even
wagged.

“You're kinda cute when you're not growling,” Lily told him.

Humphrey briefly tugged at a corner of the towel Lily was holding, but
dropped it to prance around the room.

At dinner, Humphrey sat at Lily's feet and licked her bare feet. Lily's
giggles attracted glares from Grammy and Dad, but she never let on what
caused them.

* * *

“Have a good day, Dad. Bye!” Lily waved a few doors away from Miss
Anne's room.

“That's it? Can't I get a hug?”

Lily bit her lip and stepped toward him. As he wrapped his arms around
her, Lily couldn't help but think that Dad chose the worst day to be
affectionate. The sun beat down on Wenahachee, and despite the shadow of
the mountains, the air had actually grown warm. So Lily had decided to
wear a sun dress. While lying in bed, she'd decided that if Sophie had
seen her spare and said nothing, she had nothing to lose. Miss Anne
knowing was the only important part to the plan. A dress would make
discovery easier. Dad had yet to notice the pull-up underneath, but as
he brushed her lower back, she feared what his fingers might feel.

“Have a good day, sunshine,” he said at last. “I'll only be a few hours
today. Maybe we can do something together this afternoon.”

“Okay. I love you.”

Dad laughed. “I love you too, princess. Go along. Have fun.”

Lily turned the corner into the room as quick as she could. Her face
glowed with pride. She really was getting away with it.

“Oh, Lily! thank goodness you're here. Could you go to our buddy room
and tell Betsaida she can come back?”

The buddy room was only across the hall. A room of toddlers, it offered
very little to interest any of the seven-year-olds, which meant they
were less distracted when they sat in a chair facing the corner,
reflecting on what they'd done. That's where Lily found Betsaida.

“Hi Bet,” she said. “What did you do?”

“I hit Sophie because she was being dumb.”

“What did she do?”

Betsaida crossed her arms. “She said my shirt was dirty.”

“That's it?” Lily looked over Betsaida's shirt, which was stained with
juice or paint. Lily hadn't taken Betsaida for the sort who cared about
clothes so much.

“And that I smelled.”

“Well forget about her.”

“Mama said that if anyone talks about me like that I should show them
what I'm made of.”

“Your mom said that?” The idea that an adult suggested a kid hit another
kid seemed outrageous to Lily. “Miss Anne says you can come back now.
Want to play?”

“Can we get a drink and go potty first?”

Lily didn't have to go, but she followed Betsaida into the bathroom
anyway. She suspected Betsaida wanted more time to cool off more than
anything, even if her friend wasn't old enough to realize it.

As she waited outside the propped open door, Lily couldn't help but see
a red smear on the bathroom mirror. She stepped inside to find three
words in red bubbly handwriting: LILLY IS UGLY. Betsaida must have
walked past it before. Lily was still standing in shocked silence when
her friend came out of the stall.

“Who did that?” Betsaida asked, clenching her fists.

“Someone without any self-esteem ,” Lily said dismissively. “Are you
ready?”

“You'll tell Miss Anne this time, right?” Betsaida asked nervously.

“We have to.” Lily nodded.

* * *

“What are you afraid of, Lily? Come on!” Oscar called after Lily.  Lily
wasn't afraid, not of the towering metal frame her friends were climbin.
But she had seen a car that looked like Grammy's pull into Broadmoor's
parking lot. When its doors opened, no one she recognized stepped out.
Good, she thought. A little more time to relax and let her imagination
distract her.

“Arrr, get on board you fish-bucket,” growled Betsaida in her best
pirate voice.

“Arrr,” replied Lily as she climbed the rope ladder leading up to the
platform where her classmates were waiting. “Oh no, an octopus has my
leg!”

Oscar and Betsaida scrambled to help her over the rim of the platform,
hacking away at the octopus with their pretend swords. Oscar fired a
shot from his pretend musket, and Lily let go of the rope.

“You made it angry! It's pulled me under!” she cried. “Farewell.”

Betsaida peered over the edge. “Lily, you're not going to quit playing
are you?”

Lily hunched her shoulders and began to creep up the rope again, this
time glaring at Betsaida.

“Lily? What are you doing?”

“I'm the ghost of pirate Lily. I've come for your blood!”

Atop the tower, Oscar began turning the wheel furiously one way then the
other. “We have to throw her off,” he said.

Lily bobbed one way then the other in the imaginary current but
continued creeping upward.

“Fire the cannons!” Betsaida cried.

“But she's a ghost,” Oscar said.

“Then fire the ghost cannons!”

Lily climbed over the wall. “Blood!”

Betsaida ran for the tube slide. “Captain, to the lifeboat!”

“Never!” Oscar cried.

“Blood!” Lily pulled Oscar into a hug and they went down together to
emerge at the bottom as a mess of limbs. Laughing, they rolled off the
slide. It wasn't until Betsaida helped her stand that Lily realized her
dress had ridden up, exposing her pull-up. She quickly pulled her dress
back down. Warmth crossed her cheeks.

“Again, again!” Betsaida jumped, still holding Lily's hand.

Lily smiled. If anyone had seen the unmistakable pink and purple hearts
and the wrinkled waistband, they didn't say a word. They were only
interested in the next adventure.

Later, when they waited in line to return the classroom, Lily felt
something brushing on her shoulder. She spun around to find Sophie
writing on her with a red marker. Lily recognized the marker as one of
hers which she always kept with her art journal. She twisted her neck
and crossed her eyes, but she couldn't see what Sophie had drawn.

“Sophie!” Miss Anne snapped. “What are you doing?”

As Miss Anne snatched the marker away and took Sophie by the wrist, Lily
turned to see her shoulder in the dim reflection on the glass door. In
bubbly red letters, her shoulder read “UGLY.” Lily burst into tears with
such a sound that Miss Anne released Sophie and took Lily's hand
instead.

“Head to class, everybody. Except you, Sophie, go to the buddy room.
I'll talk with you later.”

Miss Anne led Lily by the hand into the bathroom where a red smear still
remained on the mirror. Miss Anne wet a paper towel and began to scrub
Lily's arm, leaving another red blotch. Miss Anne cooed and spoke soft,
calming words, but by then Lily was as much embarrassed by her reaction
as she was upset by the incident. The mounting shame only renewed her
tears.

“I don't think you're ugly, Lily,” Miss Anne was saying. “I think you're
beautiful. You're hair is so long and straight, I can tell it's very
special to you. I bet you take extra good care of it.”

When they returned to the classroom, Lily sat with Miss Anne and refused
to play. Miss Anne awkwardly pulled Lily onto her lap and continued to
rub her back.

“It's hard to be big sometimes, isn't it?” Miss Anne said. “That's okay.
You're safe.”

Miss Anne adjusted the hem of Lily's dress a couple of times as they sat
together, and Lily wondered if Miss Anne could feel the extra padding
between them.

Lily had joined Betsaida with the Barbies when Sophie returned to the
room. Miss Anne directed her to the phone and made her call her mother.
“You did what?” the shocked voice shouted, clearly audible through the
tiny phone speaker. “I had to leave a meeting to answer this and that's
what you have to tell me?”

Sometime later, Lily felt tears well again despite her dry, red eyes.
Standing at the classroom door was Aunt Julia, looking lost and
confused.

“Where's dad?” Lily asked, panicked.

“Oh, he's fine, sweetie! He called to say his appointment took longer
than he thought, but he didn't want you to worry. Looks like I'm too
late for that, you poor thing. Gavin and I are getting ice cream. Do you
want to come?”

Hand in hand, they walked a few doors down the hall before Lily realized
her aunt had just seen her playing with Barbies among a group of kids
more Gavin's age than hers. She looked up at Julia, but her aunt only
smiled and gave her little hand a squeeze.

“Did you have fun?” Julia asked.

“Yeah.”

“I'm glad you're making friends already. That's a lot harder to do when
you're older.”

  Chapter 6

“Now can we turn back?” Dad asked for the third time in two minutes. The
whine in his voice told Lily that he was joking, but there was a sharp
catch in his breath like a creaking car door.

Lily stopped and looked down the hill. “Dad, don't be a baby. We've only
been here like twenty minutes.”

“That's twenty minutes we still have to walk back to the car.”

“That's downhill. I want to see how high up the mountain we can get,”
Lily said.

Lily followed Dad's gaze up and past the dark branches at the gray rock
which glowed at its crest under the brightening sky. The trees dotting
its side looked like short feathery strokes of paint from where they
stood.

Dad bent forward with his hands on his thighs. “Did you bring a shovel?
You might have to bury me up there.”

“Nope!” Lily raced ahead again.

When they had arrived at the park, a fog was flowing from the forest
onto the road like the ghosts of old trees in search of their lost
roots. Even when the sun finally cut through the dark pines, patches of
the cool, sticky air lingered within the shadows. As Lily climbed the
gravel trail ever upward, she felt full of imagination as if the woods
were enchanted. The birds warbled and clicked in an ancient language
only she understood. She followed not the narrow trail but the scattered
red and yellow flowers which guided her ever closer to the sound of
rushing water. She felt small and big all at once. Lost within the green
shadows and simultaneously their protector.

Lily was hanging from a wood railing overlooking a peaceful stream when
Dad nearly caught up with her again. “Dad, a dragonfly! Quick, you'll
miss it!”

Lily's shout awakened what she had taken to be a thin tree stump. The
pale bark transformed into wings, broad and tipped with black. From the
lifeless stillness, a crested head stretched into the air, revealing a
shock of red. The bird silently beat its massive wings shedding droplets
of water in arcs. Lily gasped. Every motion as the pale creature lifted
itself into the air was perfect, beautiful.

“Dad! Dad! Dad!” Lily was bouncing with excitement. “Oh my god, it was
so beautiful. Did you see the bird?”

Dad laughed. “What did you have for breakfast? It's like you've shed
five years. Can I get some of that?”

Dad leaned on the wooden railing with his arms of either side of her,
but the bird had disappeared above the trees. Lily peered over the
railing, watching within her dark reflection for any sign of the frogs
who had joined the chorus of birds. She saw only fish or tadpoles
darting under the the floating leaves.

Dad was the first to move. “Princess? Let's head back.”

Lily didn't argue but took her father's hand. They were rounding the
first bend when Lily felt her bladder contract. “I need to go potty,”
she gasped as she clamped her legs together.

“It's at least twenty minutes back to the entrance, Lily,” Dad said. “I
can't do anything.”

“I really have to go!”

“Do you want to go in the woods?”

“No!” Lily remembered they weren't supposed to leave the path before she
considered that strangers might walk past. She looked at the trail where
it curved into the trees on either side.

“Do you want to go back to the bridge? You can go underneath, and I can
watch for anyone coming.”

“Okay!”

After a short jog, Lily ducked beneath the bridge, but by the time she
could see her flickering reflection in the stream, there was little
sense in pulling down her pants. She did anyway and waited in the cool
shadow of the bridge to be sure her bladder was empty.

When she joined her father on the trail again, her father brushed her
hair. “I'm going to have to pick thistles and twigs out of your hair
tonight,” he said. “Let's head back, pumpkin.”

Dad didn't mention the dark spot running down Lily's thighs though it
was obvious to any passersby what had happened. But he must have heard
Lily sniffling as she trailed behind, because he turned to her and
asked, “What does a Darling do?”

“Keeps their chin up.”

Dad wrapped his arm around Lily's shoulder. “That's my girl.”

* * *

Dad shifted the car into park and cut the engine. “Do you want to grab
some spare clothes in Grammy's car for emergencies?” he asked. “Or will
you remember the next time we go out?”

“I'll remember.” Lily gathered the towel from the back seat and carried
it into the house. Every movement made her feel icky. “I'm going to take
a shower,” she announced.

“Good idea,” Dad said. “Thank you for keeping me company, Lily. I need
to get more exercise.”

As Lily threw her clothes into the bathroom laundry hamper, a single
thought haunted her: there would have been no problem if she had worn a
pull-up. It would eliminate all the close calls and wet spots that she
associated with public outings. She would be able to watch a whole
movie. Dad would be able to take her on long car trips. She wondered
what Dad would think, but she didn't want to ask. Deliberately wetting
her pants - at least deliberately dressing like she might - felt like
betraying all his encouragement.

Grammy knocked on the bathroom door. “Will you be long? Lunch will be
ready soon.”

“One minute,” Lily said irritably.

After her shower, Lily found Grammy standing in the living room watching
a daytime game-show. “Can I help with lunch?” Lily asked.

“I think I know my way around my own kitchen,” Grammy said before
turning the TV off.

Lily wrinkled her nose as Grammy turned for the kitchen.

In her bedroom, Lily sat down at the koala tree-house. She wondered
whether seven-year-old Lily would have been embarrassed at the park. She
brushed Mitsy's fur with her thumb and remembered her meltdown the day
before and how Miss Anne had held her. As a seven-year-old, she wouldn't
be expected to solve the issue, she reasoned. That's why she wore
pull-ups.

With Mitsy Koala in her hand, she knocked over the furniture of the
tree's kitchen.

“Papa, Mitsy made a great big mess!” Lily squeaked in Bitsy's tiny
voice.

“That's what little kids do,” Papa gruffly answered. “It's up to us to
look after them, and that means cleaning up their messes. Because we
love them.”

Absorbed in her play, she forgot her empty stomach until Grammy knocked
on her door. “Lunch, dear.”

When Lily reached the dining room, she saw three plates but no one
sitting. “Where's Dad?”

“In his room, I think. He was taking a nap.”

“I'll wake him.”

“I don't know if he wants to be woken, Lily.”

Lily ignored Grammy and softly knocked on Dad's open door before
entering his room. “Dad?”

Dad mumbled unintelligibly.

“Lunch is ready,” Lily said as she crept closer. “Don't you want any?”

“Legs hurt,” Dad said.

Lilt sat on the corner of the bed. “You didn't eat breakfast because we
were going on a walk. Now you're not eating lunch too? You know you have
to do more than one healthy thing in a day.”

Having to do two things in one day was Dad's favorite complaint. Lily
was sure she'd get a smile out of him, but he only flopped over to face
the window without another word.

Lily waited in silence at the edge of the bed until Dad's snoring told
her to give up.

Grammy's snake eyes lit up when Lily returned alone. “I told you so.”

* * *

The laundry room was cramped and loud, but Lily found leaving the door
closed meant she could fulfill her punishment without Grammy poking her
nose in every five minutes. So Lily sat on the floor drawing and waiting
for the next cycle of hangables to finish rinsing. The floor was
littered with attempts to draw the giant bird from her morning walk, but
she couldn't get the curves perfect. The bird deserved perfect, but her
memory was filling with fog. She tore another page from her journal and
instead began to draw a hideous lizard-monster with Grammy's pinched
eyes and upturned nose.

The dryer buzzed, making Lily's pen careen across the page in a jagged
line. With a cry of frustration, she threw her journal across the tiny
room.

She shoveled the dry clothes into the plastic basket then stared at the
remaining two piles of dirty clothes. Instead of waiting to load the
clothes into the washer, she shoved them into the dryer and sprayed air
freshener into the drum. She smirked to herself as she closed the door.

* * *

“Laundry's sorted,” Lily said as she carried the first basket through
living room.

“Already? You can leave the hangables in the laundry room for now,”
Grammy said. “It's a little late to hang them on the line. Next you can
get your sneakers on, and I'll find Humphrey's leash. He could use a
walk around the neighborhood. That's a fine chore for a sassy girl. Get
you out of the house.”

As she walked down the hallway, Lily silently mouthed, “You're welcome.”

* * *

As Lily turned up the driveway, Humphrey began tugging in the opposite
direction. It had been a long walk, but the dog seemed eager to do it
all again.

“I know, Humphs,” Lily said, “I don't want to either, but it's hot and I
gotta pee.”

By keeping the leash short, Lily was able to force the dog inside. Dad
was sitting on the couch with his laptop open. He might have nodded, but
as soon as the door was closed and Humphrey unhooked, Lily rushed past
him to the bathroom. At least she had chosen darker pants this walk, she
thought as she threw clothes into the empty hamper. In her bedroom, she
grabbed a pair of panties from the pile on her bed, changed, and then
headed toward the kitchen.

“Have a good walk, Lily?” Dad asked from the living room.

“Not as much to see as this morning. I'm gonna get a snack. Do you want
anything, Dad?”

“No, thank you.”

Lily felt guilty. It was normally her job to make sure the shopping list
included things Dad enjoyed. If he had to think twice about eating, he
would normally choose not, and Grammy's idea of food often made him
think twice. Lily prepared a plate of cookies, overfilling it just
slightly, then took a seat on the couch next to her father.

“Mmm. These cookies are really good, Dad.”

“Lily, please just stop pestering me about food. I have a headache, my
heart is throbbing, and I don't want to feel bloated on top of it all.”

Lily finished the cookies in silence then retreated to her bedroom.

She sat down with the tree-house and tried to leave her mind as she'd
done earlier. She wanted to be swept up in imagination like she was
around Betsaida, but her thoughts swirled through the same frustrated
corridors. She couldn't find the door back to being seven no matter how
much she re-arranged the tiny furniture.

“Lily, you need to put your laundry away,” Grammy said from the doorway.

“I will.”

“No time like no.” Grammy stepped into the room and picked up a pile of
Lily's laundry from the bed. She seemed about to thrust it into Lily's
face when she took notice the top layer of panties. “Why are these
stained? Why are these... were these even washed?”

“Of course they're...” Lily began.

Grammy held a pair up to her nose then began to comb through the rest of
the clothes. “These smell like pine and pee. My laundry detergent does
not smell like pine. I'm not even going to think about the latter.”

“Maybe I used the wrong one?” Lily offered.

“Did you even wash anything?”

“Yes, I...”

Grammy dropped the clothes into Lily's hamper. “I think we know how
you're spending tomorrow afternoon. You can keep doing the laundry until
you get it right.”

Lily hung her head.

“Dinner's ready. If you have room for anything after all those cookies.”

Lily was even less hungry when she saw dinner. The pineapple clung to
the browned ham like leeches impaled by toothpicks. Lily didn't want to
touch it, much less eat it.

“Lily, that's enough fruit salad,” Dad said. “Finish your ham.”

So now he cares about food, Lily thought. She was relieved to see him
take a second serving of the everything though. She wanted to praise him
for it, but she was afraid of how he'd react.

Grammy chewed noisily. “You didn't tell me, how was the trip to the
park? Did you see any deer?”

“Lily saw some kind of bird. What was it Lily?”

Lily shrugged. “A pelican or something.”

Grammy poked her fork at Lily. “Not many pelicans this far from the
ocean.”

“A swan then. I don't know.”

“I'm surprised you had it in you for a second walk,” Dad said. “You must
have had been bursting to get out of the house.”

Grammy put down her fork. “Speaking of that, where's Humphrey? He should
be prancing around the table by now. He loves ham.”

“Sleeping probably,” Dad said. “That was a long walk.”

Grammy ignored Dad. “Lily? Don't you shrug at me. You didn't leave him
outside did you?”

“Why would I do that?”

Grammy wiped her mouth as she stood. “Why would you do anything all the
way? You leave everything half finished, don't you? He's probably
trailing his leash across half the neighborhood.”

“Mom, be fair.”

“She lied about the laundry, David. How do you know she's not lying
now?”

“I wouldn't leave him outside. Dad, tell her I wouldn't.”

“Well he must be somewhere. Humphrey! Din-din! Humphrey! Come and get
it!” Grammy called down the hallway with her hand to her mouth.

Dad rose from the table and Lily followed. Dad and Grammy moved toward
the bedrooms when Lily heard a scratching sound.

“The door,” she said before opening it. Humphrey ran into the room,
panting with his curved tail wagging furiously. He sniffed everyone's
knees before darting toward the dining room.

“Aha, and who went out last?” Grammy nodded. “See? It was her.”

“I didn't!”

Grammy scooped Humphrey into her arms though the dog squirmed towards
the abandoned table. “You can forget about dessert, little girl,” Grammy
was saying.

“Mom.”

“I didn't!” Lily kicked her heel at the carpet.

“He doesn't even have a leash!” Grammy continued.

“Mom,” Dad insisted.

“Did you even take him for a walk or just let him run around?”

Dad stared up at the ceiling. “Mom, you were the last one out.”

“Excuse me?”

“You went to get the mail after you put the ham in the oven. I saw
Humphrey follow you.”

Grammy wasn't speechless for long. “She did lie about the laundry.”

* * *

Lily slammed the door to her bedroom. She was too angry for dessert, too
angry to even pick the pineapple from another piece of ham. She stopped
herself short of kicking her tree-house then threw herself on to the
bed. She hated Grammy. She hated Wenahachee. She hated the moving
company for losing everything. She hated the woods and the mountains and
the rain, and she hated that Daddy made her come here. The only things
she didn't hate were her friends at daycare and Miss Anne. Without them,
without the break from home, she might have lost it by now. She might
have thrown something at Grammy if she had to see her wrinkled face
every minute of every day. She wanted her other life, the lie. She
wanted to disappear in her imagination - without any responsibility,
without Dad's needs, without any anxiety.

When Lily calmed down, she picked up her lone baby doll and hugged it to
her chest. If she were seven, she wouldn't have to do laundry or walk
the dog. She would already have forgotten why she was angry. Dad would
have to take care of her. Was it so wrong to be seven?

Lily was still holding the doll when she heard Grammy preparing for bed.
Lily sneaked into the dining room where the air conditioner unit hung
from a window. She twisted the knob down ten degrees then peaked into
the living room where Dad was watching TV. Stealthily, she slipped back
through the kitchen into her bedroom where she put on a pull-up and her
pajamas.

“Daddy, I'm cold,” she said as she walked toward the couch.

“It is a little chilly in here, isn't it? Let me check the AC.”

“Could we just snuggle?”

Dad stared at her, small and miserable. She couldn't read his
expression, but when his eyes relaxed, she was certain that he had seen
her as seven right then.

“Sure, pumpkin.”

Lily laid her head on Dad's lap as he brushed her hair. “I love you,
Daddy,” she said trying very hard to forget.

  Chapter 7

Lily sat on the couch with her backpack on her lap watching as Dad wore
a hole in the carpet from pacing a tight circle near the door. He held
his phone in his hand and swiped the lock code every time the screen
went black.

“Is it time?” Lily asked. Dad had to call for her three times while she
decided on an outfit, but she had been ready for five minutes.

Dad sighed. “You can take your shoes off. I'm going to cancel.”

“What's wrong, Dad?”

“It's cooled off again. My knee aches. I'll just reschedule.”

Anger spiraled up from Lily's heart, twisting the muscles of her neck
into a tight knot. It wasn't fair for Dad to change plans without
warning her. She had been looking forward to seeing Betsaida. She even
drew a thank you card to give Miss Anne.

“How many appointments do you have today?” she demanded.

“Nothing major. Just a fitting for my braces.”

“So you're going to reschedule it and the follow-up?”

Dad didn't respond. He flicked through a menu on his phone. If he didn't
call that minute, she doubted that he ever would. She dropped her bag
and hugged her father at the waist.

“Dad, if you don't go today, you're really going to reschedule? What if
you ache that day? And the next?”

Dad pocketed his phone then brushed her hair. “You're right. As always.”

Lily smiled and hoped her eyes didn't betray her fear. She meant
everything she had said, but she felt manipulative for letting Dad think
she had his interests at heart.

Dad bent down to kiss her forehead. “Thank you for keeping me honest,
pumpkin.”

Lily noticed neither of them attempted to make eye contact.

* * *

The sun, hiding behind a field of white clouds, left a crisp smell in
the air like an autumn day. Even without the sight of scarlet and golden
trees, Lily could feel the world turning underfoot. Adults made a big
deal out of New Year's Day, but for Lily, hope sprung every fall with
the new school year. The hard, clear light and the taste of apples
erased every torturous minute when she was bored.

“Princess Aurora, fly with me to the castle,” Talia called as she
skipped across the playground.

Lily galloped behind on her own imaginary pegasus. It was a quiet day at
Broadmoor without Betsaida or Sophie. Jacob played by himself while Lily
let Talia guide her through the girliest of games. They had played
“Barbie Princesses” for an hour indoors, which so far as Lily could see
involved changing the clothes of dolls and themselves without end. Now
they saw to their princess duties in the refreshing air. After Lily's
rough day at home, even Talia's slower pace brought relief. When they
reached the top of the tower, Lily shook her hair back and let the
gentle wind wash over her face.

“This is our evening castle,” Talia announced. “This is where we have
dinner parties.”

“I should like to visit the woods and cook over a campfire, Princess
Rose,” Lily said. “If it please thee.”

“But this is our evening castle.”

“We shall invite our dear friends, the fairies. Wouldn't they love an
outdoor party? We serve them roast flowers and pink cookies.”

Talia beamed. “I'll find our adventure bags and a map.”

“Alright squirrels,” Miss Anne called. “One last slide then we head
inside.”

Talia and Jacob made noises of complaint.

“One more minute?” Lily asked.

“Let me try that again: one last slide then we head inside for snack?”

Lily and Talia raced to the slide.

Snack consisted of styrofoam cups filled with small crackers and slices
of cheddar. Lily devoured her crackers but only nibbled at the corners
of one piece of cheese.

“This is an orange snack,” Talia announced in her matter-of-fact style.
“Orange crackers and orange juice and orange cheese.”

“It's cheddar cheese, dear,” Miss Anne said.

“I like cheddar,” Talia said. “Don't you, Lily?”

Lily shook her head while she sipped from her carton of orange juice.

“Hopefully you'll get a big lunch then,” Miss Anne said. “Your Dad
should be here any minute.”

Lily glanced at the clock. She had been too absorbed to figure out a
second act to her plan. She hadn't been shy about her pull-up, but Miss
Anne seemed oblivious. Lily spun her carton of orange juice as she
thought.

“Careful, Lily,” Miss Anne said.

In a sudden burst of inspiration, Lily gave the carton a powerful twist
and let it topple onto her lap. She squeezed it deliberately as she
picked it up from her lap. It was a clumsy trick, but she was seven.
Accidents were expected.

“It's on my shirt,” she stated without moving.

“Oops!” Miss Anne passed Lily a paper napkin.

Lily lightly brushed at her shirt. “It's not working.”

“You've got to put some elbow grease into it,” Miss Anne said. “Watch
me.” She took the napkin in one hand, lift Lily's shirt with the other,
and began to scrub and squeeze the juice out. She lifted Lily's shirt,
revealing Lily's bellybutton and her double waistband. The pink padding
and stretchy sides could mean one thing, and Miss Anne seemed to know
it. Lily watched her teacher's eyes widen a fraction.

She patted down Lily's shirt and chirped, “There, that's better.”

After snack, they cleaned the table and worked with playdough. Jacob
rolled the dough into long snakes while Talia made loops of jewelry.
Lily was thankful to work at her own pace as she sculpted animals and
monsters with little ears and eyes and noses. With her plan fully in
motion, she was unafraid of appearing too advanced.

“That's a very lovely monster,” Miss Anne told her in same syrupy voice
she used to coax Talia into putting on her jacket even if it did cover
her pretty dress. Lily felt bubbles of joy bursting in her head.

Talia grew bored first and began stamping the stray bits of dough with a
big blob. “Lily, do you want to play Barbies next?”

“Sure,” Lily said.

“Lily, do you need to go potty first?” Miss Anne asked.

“No.”

“Why don't you go try anyway so you're ready when your dad gets here.”

“Okay.” Lily quickly skipped for the door. She hoped Miss Anne didn't
notice how wide she was smiling. She sat dutifully on the low toilet
until she peed.

In the classroom, Talia had arranged the Barbies in a row. “You can pick
first,” she said when Lily sat down beside her.

“I want the one with red hair. She reminds me of a friend back on the
coast, Alina. She was a princess.” Lily heard the lie escape before she
realized what she was about to say. “Not a real princess, but her
great-great-grandmother was one before they came to America.”

“Really? Did she dress like a princess?” Talia lowered her Barbie and
stared at Lily.

“She dressed like a kid but a little fancier.”

“Did she have a horse?”

“Her family had horses in the country. I got to ride one sometimes.”

“Did she live in a castle?”

“There aren't any castles in America. But her house was bigger than
Broadmoor.”

Lily caught sight of Miss Anne, who was wiping down the table and
smiling more than anyone cleaning should. Lily expected a reprimand
would follow - a lesson on how Jesus never lied - but Miss Anne didn't
say a word.

“Do you think she'll come here to visit?” Talia asked.

“Maybe. I'll write her a letter.”

“Can't you call her?”

“Have you ever seen a princess use a phone?”

Talia stared at her hands for a minute. She shut down like Lily had hit
her power switch. Lily feared her question had been too harsh. It was
easy to forget that Talia, several months younger than the others, was a
little more sensitive.

“My doll's name is Rose,” Talia announced at last.

“Mine's Aurora,” Lily said.

* * *

Lily stared at the shelves of toys. She felt sick with worry, and Miss
Anne had been wrong, lunch hadn't made her feel better. None of the toys
promised much release either.

“Miss Anne, can we do art?”

“I already said in a few minutes, Lily. I need to clean up from lunch
still.” Miss Anne didn't look up from her phone, where she'd been
staring since the trio had left their lunch trays sitting in disarray on
the table. “You still need to go potty, Lily.”

Lily shuffled out of the room then ran the last few steps when she felt
her bladder contract. Dad was so late Miss Anne had given up reminding
her that he would be there soon. A simple fitting shouldn't take that
long. Either Something was wrong or Dad had a second appointment he'd
forgotten to mention. Or that he didn't want to mention to her. Lily
didn't want to consider which possibility was the likeliest.

She wished Betsaida was there to distract her. Lily remembered the
exchange from this morning, and wondered if Dad knew. Maybe he was late
because he thought she wanted to stay at daycare longer?

When she returned to the class, Miss Anne relented and allowed the three
to paint, but she gave them an assignment: to paint their one wish for
the summer.

Lily painted a zoo with giraffes, zebras, and monkeys. Wenahachee didn't
have one, so she had to explain to Miss Anne that they'd had one back
home.

“Maybe you'll get to go to the one in Ellensburg,” Miss Anne said. “Have
you been there before?”

Lily shook her head. The thought of going made her remember her accident
in the woods. She wondered what Dad must think of her and how he might
react to her choosing to wear pull-ups. The worrying must have shown on
her face because Miss Anne rubbed her shoulders from behind. Lily
noticed she didn't try to tell Lily everything was fine.

Lily started her second painting before Aunt Julia appeared at the
doorway.

“So sorry we're so late,” Julia said. Her voice was rough and her eyes
looked frightened. “We've had a bit of an emergency. Is Lily ready? We
need to leave.”

“Hear that Lily?” Miss Anne asked. “Quick quick. Let's wash your hands,
okay?”

Lily stared at her aunt, but Miss Anne took her by the arm toward the
sink. “Let's go, kiddo.” Miss Anne turned on the water and scrubbed
Lily's limp hands for her. “Nothing too serious, I hope?” she asked.

The rough note must have clutched at Julia's voice because she didn't
respond immediately. “There's been a death in the family.”

Lily's hands dropped to her side while Miss Anne grabbed a handful of
paper towels. Lily felt a wail claw its way out of her throat.

  Chapter 8

As the casket sunk into the open grave, the glossy top reflected the
afternoon sun into Lily's eyes. She turned her head away. It wasn't
fair, she thought. Funerals were supposed to be gray and rainy, but the
sky was cloudless.

Aunt Julia's breath came short and staggered. She took Lily's hand and
squeezed tightly. Lily looked down the line to see Gavin holding his
mother's other hand. Selene stood close to Uncle Bob with her head on
his shoulder.

The murmurs from the viewing still raced around Lily's head. Just one of
those things... a stroke... collapsed in the kitchen... could happen to
anyone, really. Anyone...

As dirt rained onto the casket, everyone came toward the family to shake
hands and hug them one last time. Lily hid behind Julia to avoid the
touch of great-aunts and distant cousins.

Dad found her in the shadow of the crowd.

“Let's get moving, princess,” he said. His voice was raw. He hadn't said
much in days. He took Lily's hand like she needed help, but he was more
wobbly than her.

As she fastened her buckle, Lily wondered why she didn't feel sad. Was
she broken? She had cried only from seeing everyone's stupid teary
faces, not from a sense of loss or the emptiness Julia described at the
funeral. Lily felt sorry for Dad most of all because he was the first.
Even the picture in Lily's brain was awful: walking into the kitchen and
finding her, unnaturally still, lying as if she were sleeping on the
tiles.

Mostly Lily felt angry. They'd come to Wenahachee to have a home again,
to make life easier, but they were left with nothing. What little the
moving company hadn't stolen, Lily was ready to toss to the curb. None
of it mattered. Lily was angry with herself too. She couldn't bring
herself to look into the casket at the viewing. She didn't want to see
what Dad saw. She didn't want the image to be more real. It was a stupid
reason, she realized later.

Lily unbuckled and looked out the rear window a the priest and a few
others who still circled the grave like a black fence under the bright
sky. Lily wondered if Dad would stop the car for her, if they would pull
the casket up and let her see. But no, it was too late. She would never
get to say goodbye.

She began to sob then. She missed her Grammy.

* * *

“Thank you for letting me come over, Mrs Ferrer.”

“Please, Lily, call me Isabel.” Betsaida's mom leaned over her daughter
to check Lily's seat-buckle. “I'm not a Ferrer anyway.”

“We're going swimming!” Betsaida threw her hands into the air, nearly
punching her mother in the eye. Isabel swatted the hands away.

Lily thought Isabel looked surprisingly young. Streaks of fading red
highlighted her dark hair, which she wore long. Her skin was clear and
smooth, and her smile was as bold and bright as her daughter's in the
way that put Lily instantly at ease around her. Lily hoped she could
forget for an afternoon her how quiet and depressing home had become
without Grammy.

Isabel continued talking as she sat behind the wheel. “Besides, Betsaida
adores you. She talks about you all the time, you know. It's nice to
finally meet you. Even under these circumstances.”

Lily pinched her shoulders forward. Would nowhere give her a moment's
rest? She didn't want people to feel sorry for her; she wanted to
forget.

“Mama, Lily wears pull-ups,” Betsaida said out of nowhere. “But she
never uses them so you don't have to check her.”

Lily felt her cheeks glow. So Betsaida did know, she thought.

“She must need them sometimes, or her parents wouldn't make her wear
them.” Isabel fired up the engine, and the radio awakened with the boom
and sizzle of drums. Isabel pointed out the windshield at the gray
clouds rolling in from the west. “There's a storm on the way. Do you
remember what that means, Bet?”

Betsaida ignored her mother's question. “Mama, play 'Shake It Off!'
Please!”

“Lightning,” said Lily. “So we can't swim.”

“Good remembering, Lily. Maybe next time you come over, we'll have a
blue sky for you.” Isabel steered the car into the afternoon traffic.

“Mama, 'Shake It off!'”

“Okay, okay,” Isabel said. “I heard you the first time.”

Lily gripped her seatbelt while Isabel search her phone for the song.
The brake light of the car in front of them flared, and Lily and
Betsaida were thrown forward as their car stopped suddenly. Betsaida
grinned, but Lily was thankful for her seat belt. Lily' mind filled with
images of what could have happened - of their bodies resting perfectly
still with delicate trickles of blood running down their faces.

A few seconds later the song burst out of the speakers and all three
sang along.

* * *

Betsaida's house was half a weathered duplex, though she proudly
announced that her family owned the whole thing as the ran up the narrow
porch. The furniture inside was dull green and brown and old. Children's
toys and clothes were littered through the living room. Some were
scattered precariously up the stairs where the sound of children playing
rolled back down.

Two teenage girls occupied the couch across from the television. Though
they didn't say a word, Lily felt intimated by their presence and their
empty stares. She reassured herself that it was only her seven-year-old
self who felt scared and that the teens saw nothing unusual. In a
sparkling unicorn shirt, Lily was perfectly disguised.

“That's Ramira and Necha. My cousins. They're boring.” Betsaida
announced as she took Lily's hand.

One of the girls snorted, but neither said a word.

Betsaida led Lily to the kitchen. An old woman was hunched over a
notepad whose torn yellow pages were flowing over the round table. The
woman held a big cigar in her mouth as she studied Lily. Years of cigar
smoke had stained and wrinkled face into a permanent sour scowl.

“That's my Abuelita,” Betsaida said. “Lita, this is Lily, my really real
twin.”

“Hi,” said Lily.

“Ehhh,” murmured the woman without looking up again.

“Abuelita isn't too fond of kids,” Isabel said quietly as she guided
Betsaida and Lily back into the living room. “You two stay out of the
kitchen while she's working and go find something to play, alright?”

Two boys and girl came running downstairs to meet them. Betsaida
introduced them collectively as more cousins. If the old woman didn't
like children, Lily wondered, how many more would have been here?

“You don't have any brothers or sisters?” Lily asked as she followed
Betsaida upstairs.

“I want to show you my bedroom,” Betsaida interrupted.

The other girl, who might have been five or six, followed them. She wore
nothing but green from her tank top to her socks. Betsaida put a hand up
to stop the girl.

“No, Semele, she's my friend. So only I get to play with her.”

“It's my room too,” Semele said. “I can be in it if you want.”

“You only take naps there sometimes, but I sleep here at night.”

“It's the same thing.”

Isabel called from the other room. “Betsaida, don't be bossy. Let Semele
play too.”

Lily caught her friend's stormy eyes. “Maybe she can be Scorpio Pisces
while we play Star Maidens?” Lily said.

Semele pouted. “I want to be Princess Andromeda.”

“Lily's my guest, so I get to decide,” Betsaida said.

Lily sensed a new argument forming. “Don't you want to be Sterope and
Asterope, twin?” she asked, thankful that she remembered the names. “And
Semele, do you like green? Do you want to be Maia?”

“Yeah!” Semele shouted then began to twirl. “Between the stars and
through the night, on Cassiopeia we ride...”

Lily joined the chant and took Semele and Betsaida's hands. “Light of
the ancients hear our call, Star Maidens one and all!”

Lily pointed to the bed. “To the ship!”

With their differences resolved, they flew through the galaxy, defending
poor creatures from dreaded space beasts with their star magic. Lily
forgot herself as she rolled off the bed and shot her imaginary bow. At
her lead, the twins were both pricked by the poisonous rose beast.

“We're dying,” Lily clutched her throat. “Maia, save us.”

“I found the cure.” Semele picked up a plastic tea cup. “Drink, star
sisters.”

Lily happily drank, but Betsaida refused. “Pretend I'm still dead,” she
said.

“Pretend I found the cure,” Semele insisted.

“No, pretend I'm still dead.”

“Oh no. The cure can only work once, star sister,” Lily said hesitantly
as she took Semele's arm. She was quickly running out of star gibberish.
“Maybe there is another cure in the star forest on the third moon of
Neptune?”

“I found the cure,” Semele insisted. “I'm telling Lita you won't play
right, Bet.”

“Fine,” Betsaida said without moving.

Semele stomped down the stairs.

“Bet?” Lily asked.

Betsaida sat up and took off her sparkling tiara. “I was bored with Star
Maidens. Want to play a game?”

“Okay.”

Careful not to topple the delicately balanced boxes on a shelf, Betsaida
removed one from the bottom of the stack. “This one is called Don't Wake
the Dragon. It's hard.”

Lily had seen the game advertised, but she had never played it. The many
pieces of the dragon and the obstacles took so long to assemble that a
few moves after they began, Betsaida began twirling her piece across the
board instead of flicking the spinner to play properly.

“This game's boring. Let's watch a show instead.”

“Should we clean up?” Lily asked, but Betsaida had already walked out
the door.

The teenagers still occupied the couch. They were watching what seemed
to be a reality show about a pregnant teenager.

“Can it be our turn?” Betsaida asked. “You've watched TV all day.”

“No we haven't,” said the oldest.

“It's my house,” Betsaida insisted.

“It's Lita's house.”

“You don't have a house,” added the other girl. “You and your mom are
homeless.”

“Take that back!” Betsaida said.

“It's true.”

“Take that back.” Betsaida stomped on the floor. It might have been
comical if her face hadn't grown dark. Lily had never seen her that
angry.

The two might have continued arguing pointlessly if Lita had not
appeared. She seemed small and frail earlier, but when she clapped her
hands and said a few words in Spanish, everyone went silent. Lily had no
idea what was said, but even she was afraid to make the next noise.

* * *

Lily stood on her toes to get a better view of the bathroom mirror. She
tried to see herself as alternately seven or twelve as if she were
staring at an optical illusion. All she could see was a little kid who
had just wet her pull-up. She felt along her butt to be sure she hadn't
leaked one more time.

When Lily opened the door, Isabel was standing at the kitchen counter.
She laid a hand on Lily's shoulder. “All dry?”

Lily nodded. She had already started wetting when she asked Betsaida
where the bathroom was, but she didn't think Isabel needed to know that.
She didn't want to grab her backpack from the den of teenagers either.

“I'm making a snack. Go ahead and take a seat.”

Lily sat at the table, at the opposite end from Lita's gathered papers.
She hoped her squishy behind made no noise.

Isabel talked as she chopped celery. “Thank you for being so good for
Bet. I know she can be trouble sometimes. She's been through more than a
few daycares now, but I think this time will be different.”

Isabel brought her a plate with three sticks of celery brushed with
peanut butter and sprinkled with raisins. When Isabel left to get
Betsaida, Lily began picking off the raisins. She hated raisins.

Alone with the sound of the rain pouring on the windows, Lily thought
the kitchen walls began to feel tight. Lily felt like screaming, but
before she could, Betsaida noisily climbed onto a chair.

Isabel touched Lily's shoulder again. “Is something wrong with the
raisins, Lily?”

“I'm allergic,” Lily lied.

“I can make you new ones, if you want.”

“No, it's not that bad.” She licked some of the peanut butter off. “Is
Lita your mom?”

Betsaida piped up. “She's my dad's mom.”

“But you live here?”

“We moved in when I lost my last job,” Isabel said.

Lita muttered as she entered the kitchen. “And now that you have a job,
you're still here. Young people today have no motivation.”

“You know it doesn't pay so well,” Isabel said. This was a conversation
she'd had before. “You could make me a manager at the grocery store.”

“Then I'd still have to manage you. So I may as well manage everyone.”

The way Lita's wrinkled throat wagged as she spoke reminded Lily of
Grammy. Lily pictured her lying on the kitchen tiles, perfectly
motionless.

“After snack, can we go swimming?” Betsaida interrupted.

Isabel sighed. “We've been over this.”

* * *

Betsaida was fishing through a bin of stuffed animals.

“Can't we finish this game?” Lily rolled onto her back. With only one
card left, she had nearly won, but after Betsaida drew her tenth or
twelfth card, every turn seemed to last an hour as if her strategy was
to bore Lily to death.

“I want to show you my unicorn.”

Lily crossed her arms behind her head.

“It's not in here,” Betsaida growled. “I bet Semele took it.”

“Took what?”

Lily tilted her head back to see Semele standing at the doorway.

“My unicorn,” Betsaida said.

“I don't even like your stupid unicorn.”

“You're stupid.”

“Am not.”

Betsaida jumped toward the door, catching Lily's nose with her heel, and
she punched Semele square in the belly. The younger girl crumpled to the
ground. Lily scrambled for her friend's hand as it swung again. Betsaida
turned and pushed Lily hard enough to knock her back onto her butt.

“Bet hit me!” Semele wailed.

“Betsaida! Time out!” Isabel rushed to the room. “We have talked about
this so many times. You do not hit your cousins.”

Lily sat, dazed, holding her nose which felt wet.

Tears dripped down Betsaida's cheeks, but she didn't make a sound. She
didn't even excuse her actions as she stepped into the corner. Lily
remained where she fell while Isabel gathered Semele into her arms.

“Oh, Lily. You too? Are you bleeding?” Isabel asked.

Lily pulled her hand back from her nose. Her fingers were red.

Isabel found Lily some toilet paper to hold before she set Betsaida's
timer. “Young lady, if you want to have a friend over again, you'd
better apologize before that timer goes off.”

“I'm sorry,” Betsaida whispered after her mother and cousin left the
room.

Lily sat and pinched her nose. When the timer beeped, she approached
Betsaida and whispered. “I think I know how we get can get the TV.”

* * *

“So the farmer said, 'You're the cows who left those socks in my barn!'
And then they all lived happily ever after--”

“--and ate hay pie!”

“Or did they?” Lily waggled her eyebrows at her audience.

Isabel and the smaller children applauded. Just as Lily and Betsaida had
hoped, the teens had ventured next door and abandoned the muted TV as
the Cinderella play dragged through improvised musical numbers.

“We're not done yet,” Betsaida insisted.

“We'll hear the rest next time,” Isabel said. “Why don't you two watch
your princess show or maybe that monkey one?”

Betsaida and Lily threw their hands into the air. “Light of the
ancients!”

The Princess Andromeda theme song had only ended when Lita's phone began
to ring. She spoke so loudly from the adjacent kitchen that Lily
couldn't help but overhear.

“Did you pick up your sister yet? I know you work tonight, but that's
why you had to pick her up.” Lita adopted the slow, stern tone of an
adult talking to a young child. “No, I have inventory to do. Your papa
will be here with the car any minute. Why did we even buy you phones if
you refuse to use them?”

“Is that Leya?” Isabel asked “Tell her I can watch the kids.”

Through the wide entryway, Lily could see that Lita didn't even
acknowledge Isabel. “Yes, she's here. Do you think that's...”

Isabel stood waiting until Lita finally hung up the phone, sighing. “My
daughter will be late. I need to get ready.”

Lita didn't make eye contact with anyone as she turned down the hallway
toward the bedrooms.

Minutes later, the doorbell rang just as Scorpio Pisces fell screaming
into the inky void of space. Isabel answered the door, and a familiar
voice said, “Hi, are you Betsaida's mother? I'm here for Lily.”

“Lily, your papa is here.”

Dad was immediately encircled by the swarm of little cousins. He kept
close to the front door as if he might need to escape.

Isabel was of no help as she pushed closer, still speaking. “Lily was a
delight,” she was saying. “We'd be happy to have her over any time.”

“It looks like you have enough on your hands. We should have Betsaida
over to our house sometime. Maybe she could spend the night soon?”

“Yes!” Betsaida pulled Lily into a tight hug. “Will you be at daycare
tomorrow?”

Lily looked up at her father.

“Not tomorrow,” he said. “But she will the day after.”

Lily looked up at Isabel. “Thank you having me over.”

“Thank you for brightening our day a little, Lily. Come again. Any time
at all.”

“Do you have your backpack and sweater?” Dad asked.

Lily nodded.

“Why don't you use the bathroom before we go, okay?”

Lily hoped no one noticed that her backpack followed her into the
bathroom, but it made little difference. The trashcan was empty save for
the wet pull-up that she left behind. She wondered what her friend would
have to say about that the day after tomorrow.

Betsaida hugged her one more time on the way out the door, and everyone
waved from the window as Dad and Lily ran through the rain for the car.
Soon they were driving down the winding street into Wenahachee's
downtown.

“That's Ferrer's,” Lily pointed out the window. “The grocery store
Betsaida's grandparents own.”

“Ah,” Dad said. “I hope you had fun, princess. Do you want to invite
Betsaida over Friday night? I don't have to be anywhere Saturday. We
could pick her up from daycare.”

Lily was silent. She hadn't looked forward to a sleepover in years, but
this one raised even more questions. She didn't know how to weigh the
answers.

“Lily?”

She knew what Dad wanted to hear at least. “Yeah. Friday. That'd be
fun.”

“Humphrey misses you. He's hardly moved all afternoon.”

Lily stared out the rain-flecked window watching the smaller shops and
offices close and the people run for their cars. “Could we go out to eat
tonight?” she asked.

“Sure,” Dad said. “We're near the mall. Want to just go there and walk a
bit afterwards?”

“Okay,” Lily said.

Anywhere but the house, she thought.

  Chapter 9

Lily started crying the instant her feet pushed past the duvet and
touched the carpet. Unsure if she was dreaming, she clung to the
bedsheets as she gasped for air. The only feeling she trusted was the
pull-up sagging between her legs.

She couldn't remember what day it was. After Grammy's funeral, Dad had
canceled every appointment, and for Lily the days blurred into a cycle
of roaming the house by day and lying awake at night. Doing nothing was
strangely exhausting, and Lily woke feeling tired most mornings. Tired
and wet. She had six or seven dry mornings every month, and she was
proud of them. But the truth was she woke wet more often than not.
Knowing this didn't make it any easier, but she had never cried over it.
Not in years and years.

When the tears slowed, Lily tore free her pull-up and threw it into into
the trash. She pulled a second one up her skinny legs before drying her
face with her shirt. Without Grammy around, she had little reason to
cover-up, but she was tormented with visions of the coming school year.
In two months she would start declining invitations to sleepovers again,
and after one or two inevitable accidents at school, the rumors would
begin anew. Still, she wasn't about to cry over it. Not yet.

In the living room, Dad lay asleep on the couch. He complained about the
back pains and stiff neck that the couch gave him, but he refused to
move into the master bedroom even though it was free. Lily had only
mentioned the possibility once before she realized why he left that door
closed. She too felt like an intruder simply being in the house.

At the edge of the kitchen Lily stopped. The counter was a mess. The
sink was overflowing with pots and dishes and glasses crammed with
sticky silverware. The trash can was so full that old paper plates and
empty jars of peanut butter were accumulated at the far end. But it was
her fear that kept her at the threshold. Grammy's perfume lingered
strongest in the kitchen's entryway, where it seemed to swirl and
gather. Lily feared she would see Grammy's body lying where it had
fallen, still lying where Dad had found it. Lily turned back to the
living room. She wasn't feeling brave yet that morning.

If the couch was large enough, she would have snuggled under the blanket
with Dad. Instead, she fetched a pillow and Mitsy Koala from her room
and laid down on the carpet in front of the couch. She settled back into
a half-awake state until Dad stirred.

“Good morning, princess. Ready for breakfast?” he asked. “I finished the
cereal last night, but there might be some cinnamon buns in the fridge.”

“Okay,” Lily said quietly as she sat up.

“Just give me a minute to get up and make coffee and prep the oven.”

Lily retreated to her room and sat on the bed to wait. There she
couldn't accidentally anger Dad. The long boring days left him grumpy
since the sadness had passed. She thought of the stages of grief a lot,
and wondered how anyone could be in denial when their lives were thrown
upside-down. She wasn't depressed or angry, but she could see the world
had changed. Even the sound of the house was different.

Some time later, the smell of cinnamon buns filled the house and Dad
called Lily into the living room.

“Just a few more minutes,” Dad said.

The smell was enough to wake Humphrey, so Lily let him out into the
backyard and waited on the porch until he had done his business. The air
was damp with yesterday's rain.

Dad and Lily loaded paper plates with cinnamon buns and ate them in the
living room while Dad flipped aimlessly through the channels. Grammy's
TV was too old to support streaming services. So they were left with
whatever the networks chose to broadcast - which wasn't much. Lily was
learning what grown-ups meant when they said kids her age were lucky,
but nevertheless, they sat and stared for hours.

Dad sighed as a talking-dog insurance commercial appeared for the
twentieth time. “You know, we could order a doodad to hook our tablet up
to the TV,” he said. “It has HDMI ports.”

“Really?”

“I'll check online, but I doubt it'd be expensive. Just a plug and a
wire.”

“Could we get one at a store?” Lily didn't see the sense in waiting, but
Dad didn't answer. “We could get one today,” she continued. “Maybe we
could get hamburgers.”

Dad walked over to the TV and examined its sides. Humphrey put his front
paws on the coffee table and licked the dried frosting on Dad's
abandoned plate.

Eventually Dad put his hands on his hips. “Let's do it,” he said. “Let's
actually leave the house today. Let's put on five gallons of sunscreen
and get in the car and just shop. Let's think about getting you your own
tablet. Let's be people again. Shoppers. Consumers. Americans. Hell,
you're right, Lily. We can even get lunch.”

Lily giggled. “Dad, you said a bad word.”

They changed out of their pajamas. Dad even shaved. Lily packed a
backpack with a spare pull-up and pants just in case. She threw in her
drawing journal to cover them up. While Dad strapped on his wrist
braces, Lily rushed through the kitchen to find her step-stool and
raided the pantry for a few snacks in case Dad got grumpy or the lines
were long. When they were ready, Dad opened the front door and they both
recoiled in the bright sun.

“Need sunglasses,” Lily gasped dramatically.

* * *

The electronics store was louder than Lily anticipated. The house had
been so quiet that she'd forgotten how noisy life was. Neither she nor
Dad liked crowds. Lily grabbed Dad's shirt, something she hadn't done in
years, to keep from falling behind. They rushed to the television
section then toward mobile devices. Dad found the doodad, and they
stepped into the main aisle where their frantic eyes met.

“Do you still want to...” Dad began.

“We can go,” Lily said.

The shortest checkout line stretched across the aisle and into the DVD
section.

“We could get that tablet online maybe,” Lily said while they waited.

“Maybe,” Dad said.

After an eon it was their turn, the cashier pointed to Dad's wrist
brace. “What happened?”

Dad mumbled something about an accident. In the short time since Dad had
received, them, Lily had noticed that strangers felt the need to
acknowledge the heavy, velcro-wrapped braces. They probably expecting a
story about Dad's adventurous sporting life or a terrible car accident
from which he was miraculously saved. The truth was he was falling
apart, he'd tell Lily. It was bad enough living through the pain without
every stranger feeling the right to know about his patient history. Lily
wondered how he'd react once he finally went to the appointment for his
leg braces.

Through waves of visible rising heat, they crossed the parking lot
toward the car. Dad didn't say anything, not even to curse the cashier,
but Lily could tell he was thinking about it.

“She didn't know not to ask,” Lily said. “People ask about casts and
slings all the time. She didn't know.”

“I know,” Dad said.

Lily waited for him to lower the windows before entering the car. She
hadn't bothered to fight Grammy's rule about kids sitting in the back.
It seemed too soon.

“Let's just go home, yeah?” Dad said.

“You said we could get lunch,” Lily said.

“I know, princess, but...”

“We don't have any food at home.”

“There's some stuff in the freezer still.”

“I don't want fish sticks again.” Lily felt the tears welling. She tried
to swallow them. “Please, Daddy.”

Dad started the car. Instead of moving it, he punched the steering
wheel. He shook his hand after, and Lily couldn't help but giggle. She
didn't know people actually did that.

“No, godamnit,” he said. “What is wrong with us? We can do this. We're
gonna get burgers like normal people, and we're gonna like them.”

“Keep your chin up,” Lily added quietly.

“That's what a Darling does.” Dad smiled into the mirror as if his face
were cracking.

It was late enough that the lunch rush must have ended, because Czar
Burger was nearly empty. Enjoying the air conditioning, Lily swung from
the poles marking the line while Dad ordered then gathered as many
ketchup packets as she could while he filled his cup. Lily was happy dad
let her get a milkshake instead of a real drink, but the food was
greasier than she remembered and the fries clammy and soggy. Dad barely
ate his chicken sandwich.

Two kids ran around the playground outside. Dad had little to say, so
Lily found herself watching them. She hadn't been to Broadmoor in two
weeks and missed getting to run so freely.

* * *

Lily slammed her bedroom door behind her. She felt a new wave of tears
gathering as she stripped and threw her wet pull-up into the trash.  It
hadn't even been close. There was no sense going to the bathroom, not
even to pretend. Dad knew. He knew without her saying a word the whole
ride home. Lily lay face first on the bed and cried until she was
overcome with the fear of another accident. She rose and changed into a
new pull-up. Without bothering to put on her pants, she sat by her Koala
Town tree-house and began to re-arrange the furniture.

Sometime later, the doorbell rang. Lily heard Aunt Julia's voice cut
through the walls.

“Hi David! Gavin and I were in the neighborhood, we thought we'd see how
you're doing. Want to help with these bags? You didn't respond to my
text about dinner, so I thought I'd bring it to you.” Julia didn't seem
to breath as Lily heard her voice move across the living room for the
kitchen.

Lily tugged on her shorts and followed the voices to the kitchen. Canvas
bags of groceries, brimming with fresh vegetables, sat on the floor.
Julia gagged at the state of the kitchen.

“What have you two been eating?” Julia asked as she picked up the open
roll of cinnamon buns.

“Peanut butter and fish sticks,” Lily said with an innocent chirp. “And
we had Czar Burger today.”

Dad looked chagrined. “Uh, and cereal. That has vitamins, right?”

Julia lifted a pot smeared with the unnatural yellow of box mac and
cheese. Julia shook her head.

“Just good healthy stuff that doesn't require any actual cooking
ability,” Dad said with an embarrassed smile.

“Well I hope you're in the mood for rice. I bought everything to make a
lamb and cranberry pilaf.”

“That sounds delicious,” Dad said.

“Can I help?” Lily asked, already unfolding her step-stool though she
wasn't sure what a pilaf was.

Julia bent down to hug her niece. “Lily-flower, I actually have a
special task for you. I need you to play with Gavin and keep him out of
my hair.”

“Alright,” Lily said, disappointed. She couldn't help but feel like
Julia was dismissing her.

Lily led Gavin to her bedroom. He took one look and said,  “You don't
have a lot of toys, do you?”

“Do you want to play Koala Town? You can be Papa Koala.”

“Sure.”

Gavin took the toy and began twisting its little arms and legs. “Neat.
They have real clothes.”

Lily held up Mitsy Koala and squeaked, “Papa, I want to play outside but
it's a rainy rainy day.”

“Oh no, the roof is leaking,” Gavin said as Papa Koala hopped up and
down. “Let's put these pots out to catch all the rain.”

Gavin set the tiny cooking utensils in every room. Behind his every
step, Lily pushed Mitsy's head into the pots to knock them over.

“If you don't stop that, I'm going to ground you for seventeen weeks.”

Lily pushed one more pot then giggled.

“You're grounded!”

“No! Papa, No!”

Gavin took Mitsy from Lily's had then dropped her into a bedroom. “Now
you stay here while I fix the roof,” he said.

“I'm going to run away,” Mitsy huffed as Lily lowered her down the
outside of the tree-house. “You have to come looking for her,” Lily told
Gavin.

“Pretend everything flooded and I have to build a boat to get to you,”
Gavin said.

Lily grinned. She liked Gavin's style.

While Mitsy climbed Lily's bed to get out of the floodwaters, Papa Koala
lashed together bits of furniture using hairbands. Eventually he set
sail and father and daughter reunited adrift in a Koala Town that had
turned into a vast featureless ocean.

“The wind is blowing the sail away, hold on!” Gavin cried. “Whooosh!”

“Help! I'm being blown away too!” Lily cried as Mitsy tumbled in the
air.

“Oh no! A shark! grab my hand!”

The two sailed aimlessly for a while, but after the third shark attack,
Gavin grew bored.

“Want to draw?” Lily asked. She handed Gavin her stash of colored
pencils.

“Sure,” he said. “You're more fun than Selene. I wish you were my
sister.”

“Where are you two headed?” Julia was standing at the door with an open
trash bag in her hands.

“To the living room to draw,” Lily said.

“That's fine. Just stay out of the kitchen.”

Julia picked up the trashcan by Lily's door and emptied it into the bag.
Lily saw how Julia looked inside before dumping it, and she realized
there was no way her aunt didn't notice the sodden pull-ups. The smell
alone would have told her everything. Her nighttime wetting problem
wasn't a secret, but she still blushed.

“Lily doesn't have a lot of toys,” Gavin said as he walked past his
mother.

“Gavin, we don't say things like that,” Julia said. She brushed Lily's
hair with a hand. “You two can turn on the TV if you want. Your dad got
that converter gizmo working.”

Lily handed the tablet to Gavin. “You can choose.”

“Have you seen Kid Ninjas? It's really good.”

Once the TV was on, Gavin forgot about drawing. There wasn't much to
enjoy in the show. The computer-animated ninjas were learning a new
flashy move, which Lily suspected they did in most episodes. Instead she
listened to the grown-ups talking in the kitchen.

“You can't blame them for wanting to know,” Julia was saying. “They
would ask anyone with a cast or a sling the same thing.”

“Those are exciting stories. Mine is just that I'm falling apart.”

“They don't know that before they ask.”

“It still seems rude to me,” Dad sighed.

“The silver ninja is a robot,” Gavin said as he jumped off the couch to
pose. “I'm him. You could be the red ninja.”

Gavin did another pose, but Lily stared past him and out the window. The
sky was burning with shades of pink and orange. Leaving her drawing
materials scattered acrosed the coffee table, she took Humphrey's leash
from the closet.

“Humphrey!” she called, “Walkies!”

Julia appeared at the edge of the room. “Where do you think you're
going?”

“I'm taking Humphrey for a walk.”

“Alone? At this hour? Dinner's almost ready. Maybe we can go for a
family walk after we eat.”

Dad was standing next to Julia, but he didn't say anything.

“Dad, tell her I go on walks all the time,” Lily said.

“It's almost dinnertime, princess.”

Huffing, Lily threw the leash back into the closet.

Soon dinner was on the table, and Lily and Gavin were sent to the
bathroom to wash hands. He sat on the toilet in full view of Lily.

“Aren't you going to pee?” he asked.

“I don't have to,” Lily said.

“You're supposed to try anyway,” Gavin said.

Lily wondered if Gavin would have this conversation with Selene.

At the center of the dinner table, a bowl held a mountain of yellow rice
ornamented with dried cranberries, slices of carrots, and meat which
must have been the lamb.

“That's a piloaf?”

“Pilaf,” Julia said. “Have you never had one?”

Lily shook her head. “What are the orange things on top?”

“Orange peels,” Julia said. “I find they add a bit of tang to it.”

Lily was skeptical, but tried a bite anyway. The orange peels were
bitter on their own, but did compliment the rice. It was better than
anything Lily or Dad could make.

“I wish you could cook for us every night,” Lily said.

Dad laughed. “What do I serve you? Chopped liver?”

“I'm glad you like it,” Julia said. “Eat the lamb too.”

“I don't like it.”

“You can't eat just rice.”

Lily tore tiny strips of from the lamb and nibbled on them one at a
time.

“Have you thought more about Lily's school for the fall?”

“No,” Dad said. “Not in the last couple of weeks.”

“Gavin is going to start going to Broadmoor on mornings when I work,”
Julia said. “Maybe you two will see each other around, hm?”

Lily poked the lamb with her fork more when she felt her bladder twinge.
She pushed her chair back and jumped up.

“Where are you going?” Julia asked so sharply that Lily froze.

“The bathroom,” Lily stammered.

“Without excusing yourself?”

Lily looked to Dad for help.

“Do what she asks, Lily,” Dad said.

Lily scowled. “Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom.”

“She didn't go before dinner,” Gavin said while Lily stormed out of the
room.  She managed to dribble into the toilet, but the interruption
meant she arrived too late. As she stopped in her bedroom to change
pull-ups, she overheard Julia talking to dad.

“Selene was like that at her age. withdrawn, moody. Everything became an
emotional crises. I was seriously afraid she was depressed. It's like,
'hold up, kid, save that for when you're a teenager.'”

At what age, Lily wondered.

* * *

Julia knocked on Lily's door as she appeared. Lily was sitting on the
bed, reading. Gavin had built a crude castle out Lily's remaining books,
which the koala family was busy defending from Lily's much larger baby
doll.

“See Mom,” Gavin said. “These are all Lily's toys.”

“We'll have to fix that,” Julia said. “Gavin, would you go to the living
room while lily and I talk?”

“Sure,” Gavin said.

Julia sat on the edge of the bed and patted Lily's leg. “Is there
anything you need, sweetiepie? Anything I can get for you?”

Lily shook her head. “I'm okay.”

“Your daddy is trying really hard to be the best daddy he can be. But
it's difficult for him right now. There's just too much on his plate. So
if you ever need anything, you give me a call. I left my number on the
fridge and it's in your daddy's phone too.”

“Would you cook for us again?”

“Would you like that? We can make it a regular thing. Bob and Selene
might start to miss me if it was every night. Well, Bob would.

“But Lily, you need to be patient with your Dad, and be a good listener.
It won't always be easy, but his body is changing on him. He's learning
he can't do the things he wants, and that's very hard for a grown-up. He
won't have a lot of emotional reserves, so we have to be patient and
remember that he is trying. I'll be around to check on you. So if you
have any venting to do, that's what I'm for. Does that make sense?”

Lily nodded.

“Good girl.”

On her way out of the room, Julia paused at the trash can where Lily's
pull-up lay in plain view. Lily hadn't thought to hide it. Julia
gathered the bag and tied it without a word, but she did turn to look at
Lily again.

Lily wanted to blame Julia, but she found herself asking what would
seven-year-old Lily do? Nothing, she realized. Of course grown-ups clean
up your messes. Of course you make messes.

Lily turned the page in her book without meeting Julia's gaze.

* * *

Lily and Dad settled into the couch, neither tired enough to sleep yet
too tired to move.

“I know this isn't healthy, Lil,” Dad said. “Living like this. I'm sorry
I let everything slip. I just need time to grieve. I need time.”

Lily nodded.

“But I don't need to make it harder for you. I never mean to forget
about you. I don't want you to feel neglected or scared. You're my
sunshine, and I love you, princess.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

“We should find ways to get you out of the house more, to get you active
even if I can't be.”

“Someone has to walk Humphrey,” Lily said.

“I was thinking more like what if you went to daycare every day? Even
when I don't have an appointment. Would you like that?”

“Yes,” Lily said.

  Chapter 10

She must need them sometimes, or her parents wouldn't make her wear
them.

Like a verbal bee sting, Isabel's comment to Betsaida left a painful
welt in Lily's mind that grew as she tossed and turned. If she didn't
use her pull-up at daycare, would Miss Anne become suspicious that she
didn't need them? She hadn't considered that possibility when she began
the deception. She didn't want to consider having an accident on
purpose, but she wouldn't want to tell Miss Anne is she had a real one.
She needed a way to tell Miss Anne that accidents happen (which wasn't
even a lie) without having to do anything unthinkable or embarrassing.

Rule #6 Have witnesses.

Lily turned on her bedside light and took paper and pen from her
backpack.

Lily loves class. She comes home with stories everyday. She also came
home very wet a few times. Lately she 'forgets' to tell us she was late
to the potty unless we stay on top of her. Please help remind her that
she needs to change if she has an accident.  Thank you, Angela (Lily's
mom)

Lily hesitated before signing. Her handwriting was far too girly to be
mistaken for Dad's. It was risky to bring her missing mother into the
lie, but Dad and Miss Anne hardly ever talked. Miss Anne wouldn't notice
that Lily's mother's contact information was missing from her file
unless there was a real emergency - in which case all would either be
forgiven or Lily would have worse problems than a simple lie.

As Lily turned off her light and hugged her pillow, she thought about
how nice it would be to have a mother again even if it was only a part
of her pretend life.

* * *

It was raining when Dad dropped Lily off at daycare, which meant nobody
saw the note pinned to her chest until she removed her jacket and
stepped into Miss Anne's room.

“Lily's back!” Oscar shouted.

Betsaida squeezed Lily hard enough to bruise and spun her around. “I
knew you'd come back,” she whispered.

“It's good to see you, Lily,” Miss Anne said as she knelt to unpin the
note from Lily's chest.

Betsaida grabbed Lily's hand and tugged. Lily, expecting she might have
to explain her note to Miss Anne, resisted, but Betsaida easily
overpowered her. As Betsaida brought her to the dress-up box, Lily
watched Miss Anne read the note and fold it without a word. It quietly
disappeared into a folder inside a cabinet far above any Lily's reach.
Lily convinced herself that silent acceptance was the likeliest
interpretation.

Betsaida was talking at her. “You have to be the baby,” she said.

Lily's heart fell to the floor. It was hard to read her friend's manic
smile, and Lily feared where the game was headed. She wondered if her
friend was making fun of her. Betsaida might have found the wet pull-up
in the trash at her grandmother's house. Lily would expect a move like
this from Sophie, but it was a shock for Betsaida to try it.

“Why me?” Lily asked.

“We're playing house, and I'm the mama,” Betsaida explained without
answering the question. “Talia is the dog.”

“Woof!” Talia's smile was full of innocent excitement. If Betsaida was
teasing, Talia wasn't in on it.

“I could be the dad or the other mom,” Lily offered. “Or be the cat. We
could play animals.”

Betsaida continued, “Oscar is the papa.”

“No I'm not!” Oscar and Jacob sat on the opposite side of the play area
where they were crashing toy cars into each another. They were content
to be left out of the game of house.

“He's at work,” Betsaida explained. “And Jacob is the older brother.”

“No I'm not.”

“So the only one left is the baby,” Betsaida concluded.

Lily sighed. It was her own fault for going too far with the lie. Would
she become an outcast even among seven-year-olds? “What do I have to
do?” she asked.

“Wear this,” Betsaida held up a fuzzy romper in a strawberry and banana
print. “And sit on the blanket while I make dinner.”

Betsaida had already spread a tiny rattle and a few other doll-sized
baby toys on the blanket. The array of dishes where Betsaida was
pretending to cook included a bottle. Lily hadn't seen such planning
from her friend. Whatever was happening, it was important to Bet.

“Could I be a baby too?” Miss Anne's question caught the girls off
guard. “I could be Lily's twin.”

“You want to play house too?” Talia asked.

“Is that so strange?” Miss Anne's smile was as big and sincere as ever.
She winked at Lily.

“But I'm Lily's twin,” Betsaida insisted.

“You're the mommy, right?” Miss Anne said. “Do you want to be a baby
instead?”

“I guess you can both be babies,” Betsaida said warily. Her eyes fell
under the shadow of her bangs as she tucked her chin back.

Miss Anne helped Lily into the romper and they sat down together on the
blanket.

“Goo goo, ga ga,” said Miss Anne as she shook the rattle.

Lily grinned. “Ga ga goo goo.”

“Okay babies, time for breakfast.” Betsaida held up the bottle, but Miss
Anne turned her head away defiantly. “Nuh-uh-uh, bad baby,” Betsaida
chided. “Don't you want your milk?”

While Betsaida tried again to feed Miss Anne, Lily crawled over to the
other cooking toys. She began banging two of the pots together and
kicked some of the plastic food toward Talia, who leaped for them to
pretend to gobble them up.

“No! Bad baby! Bad dog!”

“Woof!”

Loud, tinny music cut through the noise, and the kids all turned to one
another. “What is that?”

Miss Anne jumped up. “It's my alarm.”

“You like country?” Betsaida asked when the southern-tinged vocals
began.

“An alarm for what?” asked Jacob.

Miss Anne clapped her hands three times and the whole class gladly
repeated the summons and quieted down. “Alright squirrels, that alarm
means it's time for sport day.”

“What's sport day?” Jacob asked.

“Sport day is when we do sports,” Miss Anne said with wink.

“Do we get medals?”

“Maybe.”

“Do we have to run?”

“Most definitely. We'll head down into the basement in a few minutes,
but first I need some squirrels to clean up this room. Any questions?”

Talia raised her hand. “Miss Anne, why do you call us squirrels?”

“Because you're all nuts. Alright, clean up then line-up.”

Miss Anne hovered over the girls and boys while they cleaned up, but no
one needed a second reminder. Lily however was struggling to reach the
zipper to the romper.

“Need help, Lily?” Miss Anne asked.

Lily blurted, “I need to go potty.”

Miss Anne unzipped the romper and helped Lily step out of it.  “Go go
go,” she said. “We'll meet you there.”

Alone in the stall, Lily let go and inspected the damage done to the
pull-up around her ankles. She found no more than a tiny spot of
discolored padding. She wondered whether Miss Anne would check on her as
the note asked and how she would respond if she saw the spot. She heard
Betsaida and Talia's voices as they entered the other stalls. She waited
until they began peeing to pull up her underwear.

While they waited on the others, Miss Anne brushed Lily's hair. “Did you
make it?” she asked.

Lily nodded.

“Good. I'm proud of you.”

* * *

In the basement of Broadmoor was a large room with a smooth floor.
Judging by the folded tables along one wall, Lily guessed it was used
for banquets and receptions, but two low basketball hoops hung on
opposite sides. Instructors were milling over a collection of assorted
sports equipment while a number of kids were taking advantage of the
confusion and lax supervision by running around and sliding on the
floor. Lily wasn't surprised that many of the new children were taller
than her. The bigger kids largely ignored her class as Miss Anne led
them in.

When all the kids were finally convinced to sit and be still, a man
introduced himself as the youth minister for Broadmoor. He led them in a
short prayer, during which Lily kept her eyes half-open to peer around
the room. It was a small thrill to her and she imagined seeing
everyone's secret thoughts. After the minister listed the usual rules
for gym, he asked every kid to draw a number from a giant cowboy hat he
had brought. Once they were randomly assigned into six groups, he
explained the rules of a relay race. Rather than passing a baton,
however, they would carry a spoon and a colored ping-pong ball.

The groups were given a few minutes to discuss strategy, and an older
boy, James, lectured Lily's group. “Just watch me if you want to win,”
he said. “My team won last year, so I'm an expert. The trick is holding
it close to your body so your whole arm doesn't wobble like a see-saw.”

The first group of runners tried to race across the floor and every one
of them dropped their ball, James included. Lily took her turn slowly
and focused on keeping the spoon still even as other runners foolishly
raced ahead. As she neared home and her team, she watched Betsaida
launch herself from the wall with abandon and tear across three quarters
of the makeshift gym before a near-collision with another runner caused
her to drop her ball. Bet caught it after one bounce, but Lily noted
that she took it slower on the return trip. Jacob's team won and were
given tiny bags of M&Ms for their prize.

After the relay, the hat divided them into two teams and the minister
announced that they would play a weird version of basketball. Every time
the youth minister blew a whistle, the baskets switched. Teachers held
up signs at either end of the court to show which basket was which by
team color.

Lily quietly approached Miss Anne while her team mates were negotiating
who should play what position.

“I'm not supposed to play basketball,” Lily said. “It bends my ankles
all up.”

“Oh that's right,” Miss Anne said. “Do you want help me keep score?”

Lily shook her head, but she sat with Miss Anne anyway.

A pair of older boys on opposite teams tried to dominate the game, but
switching baskets and the scattering of younger kids across the court
meant that the game was ruled by chaos. Among her class, Betsaida and
Jacob played well. Miss Anne shouted for them every time they had the
ball, even though they were on opposite teams. She even cheered for
Talia who chased after the ball screeching gleefully more than she
contributed to the game itself.

Lily felt a familiar twinge and clamped her knees together. She jumped
up and almost ran for the door when she remembered she didn't know the
basement level well.

“Miss Anne, I need to go potty.”

“Do you know where it is?”

Lily shook her head.

Miss Anne handed her clipboard to another teacher and took Lily's hand.
“Follow me.”

The bathroom was down a dark corridor, past a pair of vending machines.
Lily ran inside, but Miss Anne waited in the dim light of the hallway.

“Did you make it, squirrel?”

“Um, I peed a little in my pants,” Lily admitted. She had been so
panicked, and the walk had taken long enough, that it didn't seem
reasonable to lie even thought it felt weird to admit she wet her pants
to someone other than Dad.

“Think you'll be fine through lunch?”

Lily nodded.

“Let's go watch that game then, champ.”

* * *

Lunch came in the form of ham sandwiches with fries and a pile of
carrots and celery. Lily was too hungry to declare her disinterest in
ham, but she ate all of her fries first. Everyone else seemed hungry
too. They were all nearly finished before anyone spoke up.

“Miss Anne, are you still thinking about marrying Lily's dad?” Betsaida
asked around a partially chewed carrot stick,

“Was I supposed to be? Wouldn't Lily's mom be mad about that?” Miss Anne
asked.

Betsaida turned her big eyes toward Lily. “You have a mom?”

“Of course she does,” Miss Anne said.

Betsaida squinted. “I've never seen her.”

“She travels a lot,” Lily said. “For work. She's a photographer. She has
to travel all over the world. Like Mexico and China and the rain forest.
She meets all kinds of leaders and gets to go to really fancy parties
with ice swans and everything.”

“Uh-huh.” Miss Anne didn't seem to be listening as she passed out extra
napkins to those whose mustard missed their sandwiches and their mouths.

“Does she ever get to photograph famous people? Like princesses?” Talia
asked.

“Sometimes,” Lily said and realized Miss Anne wouldn't believe a too
much of seven-year-old's story about work-related travel. Her classmates
believed in princesses and magic. “She met the president once - before
he was president.”

The others finished their lunches and lined-up to throw away their trash
and wash their hands. Betsaida and Lily were the last ones sitting at
the table. Bet picked at her celery and Lily at her ham.

“Did Miss Anne change your diaper?” Betsaida whispered close to Lily's
ear. “Downstairs during basketball?”

“No,” Lily insisted.

“Have you always worn them? Ever since you were a baby?”

“No,” Lily said. She didn't stop to consider what seven-year-old Lily
should have said. She turned her back on her friend and took a spot in
line at the sink.

Betsaida followed. “Are you mad? I'm sorry. “I didn't mean to make you
mad. If you are.”

“I'm not mad,” Lily said.

“I'm really really sorry.”

“They're not diapers,” Lily whispered. This is what her seven-year-old
self should have said, she realized, but it was still her real self
speaking.

“I know. It's private, isn't it? I didn't mean to.”

Lily dried her hands and stood still without looking at Betsaida.

“Can we still be friends?” Betsaida asked. “We can play whatever you
want.”

Lily smiled. “Do you want to play Princess Andromeda versus the space
zombies?”

* * *

The outside world was still gray that afternoon, so Miss Anne set up art
stations for everyone. Betsaida rushed through a painting of a cat
before moving on toward the playdough area. She asked Lily to follow,
but Lily wanted to finish her painting.

“Wow Jacob, that's a fantastic castle,” Miss Anne said. “I like the ivy
on the walls.”

Lily peeked at Jacob's painting. The variety of spires and flags were
wonderful for someone his age. Every brick was its own brush stroke.

Lily looked back at her own painting of a woodland waterfall. She had
rushed to paint the white foam on the water and the fall had become a
blurry mess of melted streaks rather than the crisp bubbles she had
imagined. Disappointment expanded in her heart like a balloon
uncomfortably lodged between her lungs, but she swallowed that down and
decided to try painting another tree until the waterfall dried. She
dipped her brush into the yellow-orange and flicked it where a branch
should go, leaving behind a heavy blob and a thin smear that looked like
a mustard stain more than an autumnal tree. Lily's eyes grew hot. It
wasn't fair, she thought. She was supposed to be the best at art.

Miss Anne stood behind her. “Do you need to potty, Lily?”

“No,” Lily said. She resented Miss Anne for interrupting her.

Talia looked up from her own painting. “Miss Anne, why do you only ask
Lily?”

“Why do I ask Jacob to tie his shoes? Different people need different
reminders.”

Lily's balloon of disappointment soured and rose in her throat. Even
Talia was aware, she realized. Why did her bladder always interrupt her?
Why did she have to use the restroom so much on its schedule and not at
her convenience like everyone else? She understood why Dad was mad about
his braces. It was hard enough to let family in on her bathroom habits,
but she was furious that moment at her body for letting her down in such
a public way.

When Lily felt the urge to pee finally come, she ignored it. It wasn't
fair, she thought. She should get to take her time like everyone else,
and right then she wanted to fix her painting. Eventually the pain
receded, her pull-up expanded, and she felt the rush of warmth that
meant she was having a full-on accident - though it wasn't an accident.
Lily felt weird standing there, painting, knowing a bathroom was so
close at hand, but as her tree finally took proper shape, she felt
justified this once.

* * *

After art, Miss Anne wheeled an ancient TV into the room and turned off
the lights. Lily settled next to Betsaida, both of their little cups of
popcorn nearly finished before the credits were over. Lily's bottom felt
squishy, but no one looked at her weird or treated her differently.
Betsaida even sat beside her as if nothing was wrong. Knowing how
curious Betsaida was, Lily wondered about how no one seemed to know.

Miss Anne tapped Lily's shoulder and whispered. “Lily, would you come
with me?”

Lily looked up and noticed a teacher from a younger class at the door,
arms folded. She was the same teacher they were sent to for a time-out,
Lily remembered. She followed Miss Anne with and her toes stumbled on
the carpet.

“We'll be back in a minute,” said Miss Anne to the other adult.

Miss Anne stopped at the backpacks to remove Lily's spare pull-up. How
did she know? Lily wondered and followed her teacher into the restroom,
cheeks flushed.

“Alright squirrel, let's check that pull-up.”

Lily unbuttoned her pants and slid them down. The state of her sagging
pull-up was apparent immediately.

“Why don't you sit on the toilet and try for me while we're here.”

Lily waddled over to the toilet and to her surprise, she peed a lot
despite not feeling the urge at all. Even with Miss Anne standing there,
her bladder certainly wasn't embarrassed. Lily wiped and flushed the
toilet then waddled back toward Miss Anne, who was holding out the
spare.

“Do you need help?”

Lily was surprised to catch herself nodding.

Miss Anne untied Lily's shoes then removed her pants and wet pull-up.
She took a wet wipe from the windowsill and cleaned Lily from her thighs
to her bottom. She slid the clean pair up Lily's legs.

Nothing had ever felt so good, Lily decided while Miss Anne washed her
hands. The soft, dry comfort of the pull-up made her feel relaxed.

It felt like they'd been in the restroom for ages, but Lily had only
missed the first song of the movie. Lily took her seat next to Betsaida
and continued munching on her popcorn. After a few minutes of silence,
Betsaida started fidgeting.

“Miss Anne,” Betsaida said, “how does someone get pregnant?”

“That's a question your parents might want to answer,” Miss Anne said.

“But it takes a boy and a girl, right?”

“That's correct.”

“If you get pregnant, do you have to get married?”

“Not by any law, no. Most people believe you should get married first,
ideally. Why do you have so many questions, Bet?”

“No reason,” Betsaida said.

Lily looked across at her friend who stared blankly at the TV again
before laughing with everyone else as a coconut fell on a character's
head. Bet was a constantly growing mystery.

* * *

Miss Anne stood at the door where she had just seen Talia off with her
father. “Hi there. I don't think we've chatted yet. You're Lily's...?”

“Aunt. Her father's sister. Call me Julia.”

“Nice to meet you. I'm Anne. Lily, your aunt is here.”

Lily tossed puzzle pieces into their box. She tried to be quick. She
hoped Miss Anne wouldn't ask about the note and that Aunt Julia wouldn't
spill the beans about her mother. While Lily put on her jacket, the
adults continued to talk.

“Lily had an accident today,” Miss Anne said.

“Nothing serious, I hope? Is she bruised?”

“Oh no, nothing like that. She just wet her pull-up.”

“Oh, of course.” Julia turned a side-eye to Lily, who was staring at her
feet.

  Chapter 11

“Sleepover!” Betsaida cheered for the hundredth time as she danced
around the room again.

“Hold on there, squirrels. It's not time yet.” Miss Anne had given up on
asking Betsaida to sit or find something else to do, but she still
hovered as if everything in the room were made of glass.

“Let's ask my Dad for pizza,” Lily said as Betsaida took her hands.
“What would you want on it?”

“Ice cream. No wait! Rainbow ice cream!”

Lily laughed. She knew Dad would laugh too, though she could imagine him
giving Lily an odd look. Lily was afraid to bring Betsaida home while
she was acting like this, so unmistakably seven.

As Betsaida entered a fast twirl, Lily struggled to keep her feet on the
ground. Being held by her wrists, she felt her elbows stretch. “Bet, let
go. That hurts.”

“Whoa there, kiddos. You're gonna...”

Lily's feet hit something soft then something metallic, and she fell to
the ground, knocking over a chair and pulling Betsaida with her.

“I told you,” Miss Anne said through her teeth. “You're both okay?”

Lily rubbed her arms but nodded.

Betsaida laughed. “Let's do that again.”

“Absolutely not. No more spinning like that or I'll have to separate you
two. Why don't we dance to something gentler? Can I put on ballet
music?”

“Yeah!”

The twins were dancing slowly with their arms over their heads when Aunt
Julia arrived at the door with Gavin in tow.

Miss Anne bent down to look Gavin in the eye. “Hi there, young man. Here
to pick up your cousin Lily? What's your name?”

“Gavin.”

“The one and only Gavin Bauer?”

Gavin glanced at his mother for assurance. “Yes?”

Miss Anne smiled her bright, encouraging smile. “I thought you might be.
A little bird tells me you're going to be in my class.” When Miss Anne
stood up, she addressed Julia. “I'm the assistant for the kindergarten
classes. Mrs Randall and I are looking forward to seeing Gavin this
fall. Has anyone considered enrolling Lily? She's so exceptional. I
honestly think Broadmoor would be the best place for her. Mrs Williams,
the second grade teacher, she's a master at adapting to every student's
needs and abilities.”

“I've talked to her father about it,” Julia said.

“Tell him to sign her up for the skills test sooner rather than later.
Those empty seats get filled quickly.”

Betsaida hopped. “Lily! We could go to school together!”

Lily smiled at her friend. Inwardly, she noted that Julia hadn't
contradicted Miss Anne when she mentioned second grade, which could have
destroyed Lily's lie in an instant. Lily wondered whether Julia even
heard or if the lie really was so powerful. Lily would have to develop a
plan for when school started and she left her pretend life behind.

“No big accidents today,” Miss Anne told Julia as she handed the girls
their backpacks. “Just a little late a couple of times.”

“That's good. Do you girls need to go potty before we head home?” Julia
asked.

“No,” they said.

“Why don't we try anyway? Gavin, you too.”

* * *

“David, we're here!” Julia set her purse down on the coffee table. There
was no answer from inside the house.

“I want to see your room!” Betsaida called out then ran toward the
dining room. Beneath the table, Humphrey growled while stretching his
tiny legs.

“It's this way,” Lily said. She sighed as Betsaida ran down the hallway,
still wearing her backpack. She followed, and Humphrey trotted after
them.

“The car's here,” Julia thought aloud as she followed. “Do you think
he's taking a nap? We might need to make him some coffee.”

Betsaida circled Lily's room, touching everything.

Lily dropped her backpack by the door. Maybe she should keep Betsaida in
the bedroom, she thought. Until she calms. Betsaida ran her hand along
Lily's dresser. Lily imagined the top drawer spilling open and her
training pants tumbling out, but Betsaida twirled past the dresser and
threw open the closet instead.

“Where are all your other toys?” she asked after a moment's inspection.

“They got lost when we moved,” Lily said. She picked up the Koala Town
tree house. “These ones are my favorite anyway.”

“We have ones like this at daycare,” Betsaida said. “They're so fuzzy!”

“Have you ever watched Koala Town?” Lily held up the three fuzzy dolls.
“This one is Papa. These are Mitsy and Bitsy.”

“Can I have Bitsy?”

Julia's voice came softly from down the hall. “David? The girls are
here.”

Lily could hear Dad mumble. He must have abandoned the couch for
Grammy's room finally, but Lily wasn't sure it was a good sign if it
meant he was especially tired or in unusual pain. She left Betsaida and
the koalas to stand with Julia.

Dad was sitting up in bed. He looked pale. “Is it hot in here?”

“David, you look awful.”

“I'm fine.” Dad reached for a bottle of aspirin. “Just achy. I'm awake.”

Julia touched a hand to Dad's forehead. “You're not feverish at least.”

“I said I'm fine.” Irritated by the invasion of his personal space, Dad
pushed Julia's hand away.

“Maybe I should take Lily's friend home.”

“No!” Lily cried out immediately. She didn't want to be alone with Dad
in this state, even if it meant he wouldn't experience Betsaida. “I
mean, we promised her, right? Please?”

“I said she can stay,” Dad grumbled. “Just let me lie down a little
longer. I told you I had PT today? I need some water and rest. That's
all.”

Julia picked up Dad's empty cup, and Lily followed her into the living
room where Gavin was waiting on the couch. Betsaida followed them.

“Please, Lily's aunt. We can be extra quiet,” Betsaida said.

“Yeah, we'll be really good, Aunt Julia,” Lily said. “I can make us
sandwiches and everything. We won't eat only junk food.”

Julia took out her phone. “I'm going to call Selene.”

* * *

“The pizza will be here in thirty.” Julia tucked her phone back into her
purse. “I think that's everything. Girls, you listen to Selene. Lily's
dad needs sleep, so just think of Selene as your babysitter. Do what she
says, and when it's time for bed, you'd better listen.”

The girls nodded. Selene was staring at them with the weird look that
hadn't left her face since Bob dropped her off and she laid eyes on
Betsaida and Lily standing together. A hundred questions must be tying
up her tongue, because she didn't question her mother once. Lily decided
to stay near Betsaida all night so Selene couldn't go too far with her
questions.

“Selene, there are sleeping bags and linens in the closet. Your uncle's
in Grammy's room, so you might want to take Lily's and let the girls
have the living room.”

While Julia continued giving Selene instructions, Lily nodded toward the
bedroom.

“Why does she wear all black?” Betsaida asked a little too loudly.

“She's colorblind,” Lily whispered and pulled her bedroom door half-shut
behind them.

“Do you want to play mommies?” Betsaida asked. “You can have the koalas
and I'll have the big doll.”

They had been playing house a lot recently at daycare, more than
princesses or Star Maidens, but Betsaida never tire as she changed a
hundred diapers, prepared a thousand bottles, and helped her baby take
its first steps so often that Lily wondered if Bet even knew what
“first” meant. While they waited for the call to pizza, Betsaida happily
looped through her baby-care routine again and again, giving Lily lots
of questionable advice in the process.

“Where's your mama?” Betsaida asked.

“She's right there,” Lily answered in Mitsy's squeaky voice.

“No, Lily, I mean your real mama.”

“Oh, she's gone right now.” Lily had forgotten her imaginary-mother. She
was thankful Betsaida had asked in private. “She might not be back all
summer.”

Betsaida seemed to accept that answer. “Always tie your baby to your
wrist,” she advised. “That way you can't drop them, see?”

“I need to potty.” The words came out of Lily's mouth as quickly as the
pee that was already pouring into her pull-up.

Miss Anne made sure Lily went home in a dry pull-up as she had every day
since the note, but by the time she reached her bathroom, Lily had done
more damage than a spot. She was used to leaving conversations at the
first sign of trouble, but it was harder to remove herself while playing
pretend games. Somehow the warning signs didn't travel up her spine as
quickly. Lily slid the damp pull-up back into position. She guessed that
she would be fine through the evening, but she regretted not hiding
spare pull-ups in the bathroom for while Betsaida was here. It was one
of her old sleep-over tricks, and she was out of practice.

When Lily returned to her bedroom, Selene was standing by the closet.
Betsaida, unembarrassed, continued rocking Lily's baby doll - the
perfect picture of a kid years away from teendom and exactly what Lily
didn't want Selene to see.

“No, I'm going to be in second grade,” Betsaida was saying. “Lily and I
are going to the same school maybe. Miss Anne said so.”

“Who's Miss Anne?”

“She works at the daycare,” Lily said before Betsaida could answer. She
hoped Betsaida hadn't said anything too unambiguous. To stay near
Betsaida the rest of the night, she might have to forget the bathroom.

“I see,” Selene said in a neutral tone. “Could I-”

The doorbell rang.

“Pizza!” Betsaida shouted.

“Probably,” Selene said. “Wash up.”

Standing together at the sink, Lily waited to rinse while Betsaida
smashed her soapy hands together.

“Does your cousin babysit you a lot?”

“Not really,” Lily said. “What did she say to you when I was in the
bathroom?”

“Nothing. Just asked questions.”

Betsaida squished her palms together and soap flew up toward Lily's
cringing face. Even if she stayed with Betsaida to intercept Selene's
interrogation, Bet still needed to calm down.

“Do you want to know what's fun?” Lily asked. “Let's pretend to be teens
like her and be all sad and mopey.”

Betsaida wrinkled her nose. “How is that fun?”

Lily let her face fall into a tired-eyed, indifferent look. “I don't
know, but, like, maybe it would make her mad. And she would, like, feel
sad about her boring life.”

Betsaida giggled then mirrored Lily's bored look. “Yes, it's very
serious,” she said more like a robot than any teen Lily had met.

It would have to do, Lily thought.

* * *

Selene guarded the box of pizza on the coffee table as Humphrey paced in
a circle around it. Lily and Betsaida entered, shuffling their feet like
zombies.

“Don't everyone rush in at once,” Selene said. “Let's eat right here.
You want to pick out a movie, Betsaida? Lily, can you get plates and
napkins?”

Lily ran toward the kitchen to fetch the plates as quickly as possible.
She nearly tumbled from her step-stool when Bet started shouting.

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Lily! There's a Princess Andromeda movie on
Netflix! I didn't even know they made one! We have to watch it!”

Lily returned in time to watch Bet take a bite of pizza. Red sauce
already smeared on her lips and fingers. Lily lowered her eyebrows at
her friend.

Betsaida lowered her voice. “I mean, uh, Lily, wouldn't it be dumb if we
watch Princess Andromeda?”

“Totally.”

Selene rolled her eyes. “Why don't you two sit on the floor.”

“Yeah, floors are dumb,” said Betsaida.

Lily and Betsaida sat between the coffee table and the couch and stared
up at the big TV while an orchestrated take on the Star Maiden theme
song played. Conscious of her shirt riding up, Lily tugged at it with
her pizza-stained fingers and hoped Selene couldn't see her pull-up.

The movie introduced an evil Star Sorcerer who awakened inside an
ancient tomb that resembled a decayed version of Andromeda Palace.
Unlike the TV series, the movie involved long stretches where the Star
Maidens' cause seemed hopeless. Watching them interact minor characters
who were affected by the explosive battles made the Star Maidens and
their friendship feel far more relatable to Lily. In the series, they
never encountered a problem they couldn't solve in 20 minutes.

An hour into the movie, the Star Sorcerer summoned a giant monster to
attack Neptune City at the heart of the galaxy. Electra with her light
sword was the only Star Maiden who could hurt it. Betsaida and Lily
stared unblinkingly when Electra turned her back on the monster and it
unexpectedly fired spikes from its tail. The girls jumped when Sweet
Alcyone threw herself and her dissipating star shield between them.

“Don't let Neptune City fall, sister,” Alcyone whispered as she bled to
death in Electra's arms and the music swelled.

Tears streamed down Lily's face. How could a children's movie be so
cruel to its most innocent character? she wondered. She cried again when
the closing song played.

“That might be enough TV for right now,” Selene said.

“Yeah, TV is dumb.” Betsaida giggled. She tried to maintain her teen
veneer, but Lily could see her knee bouncing. Betsaida hadn't cried
during the movie, but Lily was sure it had impacted her beneath the
surface. There was a Betsaida-tornado twisting under her skin, aching to
escape.

“Let's go outside,” Lily suggested.

“I don't know,” said Selene. “It's getting dark out.”

“We can go out back,” Lily said matter-of-factly.

She didn't wait for a response, but took Betsaida's hand and ran out the
screen door. Humphrey galloped behind them. Grammy had nothing to
entertain children in her yard, but the girls chased each other, chased
Humphrey, and caught fireflies until they were all panting.

Lily only stopped when she felt her bladder release.

“What's wrong?” Betsaida asked. “Did you step in dog poop?”

“No,” Lily said, wrinkling her nose. “But you did! Ewww!”

“No, I didn't!” Betsaida cried as she chased after Lily.

* * *

After Selene called for them, the girls landed in the living room like
boulders thrown by a catapult. Selene had rolled out a pair of sleeping
bags, and the girls rolled onto their backs, gasping for breath.
Betsaida giggled, and even Lily forgot about their plan to mope and
sigh.

“One more movie,” Selene said. “I'll make some popcorn if you two change
into your pajamas.”

Lily stood in front of her dresser, where Grammy's clown figuures once
stood, and realized how peaceful she felt, even after chasing Betsaida
through the yard.  “I'm glad you could come,” she told her friend.

“Me too. I hope your dad's okay,” Betsaida said as she fished her
pajamas out of her backpack. “I need to go pee.”

Betsaida skipped for the bathroom, leaving Lily the chance to change her
pull-up. She buried the used one under a layer of tissues and paper.

Once she had changed, she tiptoed toward Grammy's room. Dad still lay on
the bed, breathing noisily. While Lily stood there watching, Selene came
up behind her.

“He's alright,” Selene said. “He woke up and drank water while you were
outside. You and your friend are cute together, you know. She's a bit of
a handful sometimes, huh?”

“Yeah,” Lily said cautiously.

“Well, you seem like a good influence on her. Do you know what's up with
her mother?”

“What?”

“She said her mother's in the hospital, so that's why she's here
tonight.”

“I didn't know,” Lily said.

“Oh. It was sweet of you to let her come over anyway.”

“Thanks.”

The bathroom door opened, and Betsaida stepped into the hallway. “Can we
watch a scary movie?” she asked.

Selene squinted at Betsaida for an long time. Long enough that Betsaida
turned toward Lily, as if to ask if her cousin was broken.

“BOO!” Selene growled then chased them all the way to the living room.

* * *

“Lily, are you awake?” Betsaida whispered from across the moon-lit
carpet.

“Yeah.”

“I'm not scared. I just wanted to say I hope your dad feels better.”

“Me too,” Lily sighed. She didn't want to explain the word
'degenerative' so late at night.

“You cried a lot when Alcyone died.”

“So?”

Betsaida didn't respond. Headlights chased the angled shadows of the
windows across the room, and then the room was still again. Betsaida's
next words fell like a stone into water, fading so quickly that Lily
wasn't sure she had heard them correctly.

“My mom's pregnant.”

“What?”

“She just found out last week.”

“Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?”

“She thinks it's a boy.”

They lay in silence again as the ripples washed over Lily. She wondered
if that's why her friend wanted to play house so much, why it always
involved babies, why she had questions about pregnancy for Miss Anne. It
wasn't like Betsaida not to take the shortest path, Lily realized. Her
mother must have told her to keep it a secret. But why?

“Betsaida?” Lily asked, but Betsaida had already fallen asleep. Dreaming
about being a Star Maiden, Lily thought. She didn't wait much longer
before she too was flying through the galaxy.

* * *

Lily was aware of movement, of adult voices, of a door opening and
closing, but she buried her head into her pillow with the lack of
curiosity that morning breeds. Sometime later she woke again to the
smells of bacon and melted butter. For a moment, Lily wondered if she
had dreamed Grammy's death and everything since.

“Lily, it's time to wake up,” Dad said. “I'm making pancakes.”

Lily pulled her sleeping bag up and over her lap. Her pull-up felt like
a wet towel, only loosely tied to her waist. She wasn't ready for her
friend to see her shame. Betsaida was sitting on the couch flipping
through the plastic-coated pages of a heavy 3-ring binder. It was Lily's
mother's portfolio.

“Where did you get that?” Lily asked.

“I asked your dad to see your mama's photographs. She's really good, you
know.” Betsaida held up a photo of a Japanese woman in a heavy kimono
who sat behind tall potted plants as if hiding from the camera. But she
was smiling anyway.

“That's one of my favorites,” Lily said. She always imagined the woman
had just fallen in love.

“I like this one.” Betsaida flipped back toward a photo of two children
from a jungle village. They wore no clothing but the tattered blankets
wrapped around their shoulders. They stared at the camera with the
widest, whitest eyes. Chickens bobbed their head in the background.

“Do you want to see a picture of her?” Lily asked, and her friend
nodded. “The last page.”

Lily knew the black and white self-portrait by heart. Her pale mother -
with her deep, dark eyes, with her long, dark hair and her thick
eyebrows - draped in a flowing scarf and sitting on a rock wall that
overlooks a still, black pond where she was reflected. She was staring
down at a flower that was also perfectly in focus. A lily.

“She's pretty,” Betsaida said. “She looks just like you.”

Dad banged a pot in the kitchen. “Come and get your pancakes, girls. Or
I'll eat them all myself.”

“Why don't you go first?” Lily said. “I need to go brush my hair.”

“Okay, weirdo.” Betsaida grinned.

When Betsaida disappeared into the kitchen, Lily ran for her room to
change out of her soaked pull-up.

When the pancakes were divided and the orange juice poured, Dad
retreated to the office and Betsaida and Lily ate in front of the TV
again. Lily declined watching Princess Andromeda, afraid that an Alcyone
episode might make her cry. So Betsaida flipped through the selections
in the children menu aimlessly.

“Oh my god, they have Membe Membe Mambo?” Betsaida squealed. “That used
to be my favorite show.”

She tapped the screen, leaving a big maple-syrup fingerprint. Marimbas
and drums sounded while brightly colored jungle leaves peeled back to
reveal a quintet of rainbow-hued monkeys.

“Cinco monitos...” Betsaida bobbed her head from side to side and sang
along.

Lily sat, dazed, and watched her friend sing and interact with the
characters of the show through two whole episodes.

“I'm the weirdo?” she asked under her breath.

  Chapter 12

Oscar was hiding his face behind his cards as if his expression would
affect Lily's answer. “Lily, do you have a four?”

“Blah blah blah,” Betsaida said simultaneously.

Lily giggled and shook her head. “Go fish.”

“Go blah blah blah,” Betsaida repeated with a snicker.

Oscar threw his cards down. “Stop th-”

“Blahblahblah.”

Oscar's face turned red, right to the tips of his ears. “Wh-”

“Blablablablablablabla.”

Between Betsaida's nonsense and Oscar's reaction, Lily laughed so hard
she fell off her chair, which only made her laugh more. She held her
belly and rolled on the carpet. She was aware of a warmth spreading
under her skirt, but she didn't care. She wouldn't be able to stand
anyway, much less wobble toward the bathroom in time.

“Stop it,” Oscar whined.

“Blabla,” Betsaida imitated.

Miss Anne's voice rose from behind the book she was reading. “Lilybet,
you'd better not be making fun of Oscar unless you want to go to time
out.”

“We're not,” Lily managed before the giggles consumed her again.

“Well if you're done playing the game, you need to pick it up.”

Clean-up took longer than necessary. Every time Lily reached for
Betsaida's cards, she snatched them back and whispered, “Blablabla”,
making Lily giggle more.

“They're still doing it,” Oscar whined.

“Betsaida...” Miss Anne's tone curved like a rising eyebrow.

Betsaida slapped the table. “I'm not making fun of anybody! I'm
torturing Lily.”

Both girls snickered at the confession.

Miss Anne rolled her eyes. “Please stop, Bet. She looks like she's going
to burst. Lily, why don't you run to the potty and let Betsaida cool
down?”

Already wet, Lily felt no urgency, so she casually spied on other
classes on her way to the restroom. Most kids were playing games much
like she and her friends, but the youngest were resisting an early nap
time. Lily was thankful she hadn't ended up with an age-group that still
took naps. She would have confessed after a week just to have something
to do. When Lily finally sat on a toilet, she peed immediately, but the
burst only lasted a few seconds. After washing her hands, she skipped
into the hallway and nearly crashed into Sophie.

“Oh! Sorry!” Lily squeaked.

“Watch where you're going,” Sophie snipped.

Lily had been so thankful for Sophie's prolonged absence since the
marker incident that she just assumed Sophie was being punished
somewhere. That Sophie returned with a dark tan and a new Minnie Mouse
shirt made it evident that the reality was far from Lily's wish. Lily
brushed down her skirt and followed a few steps behind. She didn't want
to provide Sophie with a long look at her rear in case her skirt didn't
lie flat.

“Ta-da!” Sophie posed at the door to Miss Anne's room with one hand in
the air and her hip popped. Behind her, Lily rolled her eyes.

“Welcome back, Sophie,” Miss Anne said. “Hm. I wonder if anyone can
guess where you went for vacation.”

“Disneyland!” Sophie cheered herself.

“Really?” Talia asked. “Did you meet Tinkerbell?”

“Or Jasmine?” Betsaida asked.

“Do you want to share about your trip, Sophie? Maybe everyone who wants
to listen  could pull up a chair.”

“The plane ride was so long,” Sophie began. “We had to get there two
hours early. At security you have to take all your things and put them
in a bucket. Even your shoes.”

Miss Anne waved her hand. “Maybe you should skip the airport and start
with your favorite ride?”

“Blablabla,” Betsaida whispered to Lily.

Miss Anne gave the pair a delayed watchful look. Lily bit her lip to
keep from laughing. Miss Anne had warned them enough, and Lily didn't
want to get in trouble. Trouble could end in a phone call to Dad, and
Lily needed the adults to have as little communication as possible.

“My favorite was a roller-coaster, but it was an inside roller-coaster.
Everything was dark like in outer space, so it was extra scary. Outer
Space Mountain.”

“Just Space Mountain,” Lily corrected. “That's my favorite too.”

“You went too?”

“Yeah. Thr-” Lily caught herself. How young was too young? “We went last
year.”

“Blablabla,” Betsaida whispered again.

“Stop it,” Lily hissed. Betsaida knew she wasn't going to get a laugh.
Was she trying to annoy her on purpose? Lily wondered. Was she jealous?

“Did you try a Mickey Mouse head ice cream?” Sophie asked.

“Yeah.”

“Did you bring us one?” Talia asked.

Sophie shook her head. “You can't fly with ice cream.”

“Blabla-”

“Betsaida's doing it again!” Talia cried.

“Betsaida, time out. Now.” Miss Anne said sternly and pointed at the
door. “Alright everyone, question time over. Why don't I get out some
art supplies and we can draw picture books? That way everyone gets to
share their own stories.”

Sophie sat in Betsaida's empty chair. “I'm going to sit next to Lily,
because we're in the Disney club.”

Lily smiled. Girls this age were so transparent, and Lily knew Sophie
was using her to brag about her trip. But Lily couldn't help but feel
happy that somebody as status-conscious as Sophie wanted to be her
friend. Lily wondered if Sophie's old attempts at bullying might have
been jealousy as well, like Betsaida and Talia seemed to be feeling now.
Still, Lily felt the old fears emerge. Would Sophie have sat so close if
she knew what Lily was wearing beneath her skirt?

“These are the foods I ate,” Sophie explained as she drew. “And these
are the ones I tried but didn't like. Are you drawing Disney too?”

Lily shook her head. She had decided to draw a story about the heron
from the park - though she left out the part about her accident. Nearly
everyone was done by the time Betsaida returned, and Miss Anne was
attempting to coax them into sharing.

Oscar was mumbling through his story. “This one time in Zombie Invaders,
I got a special lamp that burned zombies who broke through. It's worth
24,000 monies. This is me with the lamp. See? This is where it burned
them. The end.”

Lily shook her head rapidly as Betsaida passed Oscar. She hoped her
friend would get the message not to repeat her mistake. Betsaida saw but
sat at the opposite side of the table, avoiding Lily.

“Thank you, Oscar. Who's next?” Miss Anne asked. “Lily, would you like
to share?”

“This is my Dad and me,” Lily began. “We don't get to go hiking very
much because he's bendy like me. This is us looking all wobbly. The last
time we went up a mountain and we saw a beautiful bird. It was white as
snow and taller than me. I felt very special to see it. Th end.”

“That's a lovely story, Lily” Miss Anne said. “Oh, and look at the door!
It's snack time.” She rose to take a tray of snacks and drinks from the
older lady with a pushcart. “Every squirrel needs to clear their wedge
of the table.”

“Ants on a log!” Jacob shouted when the table was clean and Miss Anne
was handing out paper plates.

“It's only celery,” Sophie mumbled. “It's not a real treat like
cookies.”

Lily picked the raisins off hers immediately. Miss Anne paused to watch
her.

“Do you not like raisins, Lily?” she asked.

“I'm allergic to them,” Lily said automatically.

“Lily, think about the difference between pretend and real. It's okay if
you don't eat them,  but we never ever pretend about allergies.”

“She really is allergic, Miss Anne,” Betsaida said.

Miss Anne folded her arms. “Lily, should I call home to ask?”

Lily hung her head. “I'm not.”

“You're not what?”

“I'm not allergic to raisins.”

“Good. I'm glad you admitted it.”

Lily was thankful that Miss Anne didn't make her eat the raisins as a
punishment. When everyone was done eating, they lined up at the sink to
wash their peanut-butter fingers.

“I never lie,” Talia said on her way to the sink.

“Me neither,” chimed Jacob.

“Let's not dog-pile on Lily. Everyone makes mistakes. It's better to
admit it than to pretend to be perfect.”

“What's a dog pile?” Betsaida asked.

“Dog pile is when everyone picks on the same person.”

“Like bullying?”

Miss Anne bobbed her head. “It can be, yep. Is every squirrel clean?
Alright, line-up at the door. We're going to follow Miss Tess's class
outside. I think I hear her coming now.”

Lily joined the line, but Miss Anne pulled her aside near the restrooms.
Lily could see the dry pull-up tucked under Miss Anne's arm where
everyone could see it, even the older kids in Miss Tess's class. Lily
wondered how Miss Anne knew again. She would coax Lily to use the
restroom all day but just know when Lily needed a change. Despite her
embarrassment at being pulled from the line, Lily enjoyed their new
routine, and she was fascinated by that aspect. Other kids and other
adults never had a clue.

Inside the girls' room, Miss Anne lifted Lily's skirt and tore free the
wet pull-up. “Didn't you notice, sweetie?”

“Betsaida made me laugh too much.”

“Lily, sweetie, if you're laughing and peeing, you need to run to the
potty. It means your bladder's full.”

“Okay.” Lily sat on the toilet and the sound of a short burst of pee
interrupted their conversation.

“At the very least, come to me if you know you're wet,” Miss Anne
continued as she wiped Lily and helped her out of her shoes and into a
dry pull-up. “Can I ask you one more question, Lily? Where did you get
those bruises on your legs?”

After the talk about pretending, Lily decided to tell the truth, however
boring it may be. “I don't remember. I get bruises a lot, and I never
remember.”

Miss Anne stared into Lily's eyes. “You would tell me if somebody hurt
you, right?”

Lily nodded. “Dad says I'm so pale they look worse than they really
are.”

“Alright. Wash-up, kiddo.”

* * *

“Lily's here,” Sophie announced to the crowd. “Do you want to play
Disneyland with us?”

“Sure,” Lily said.

“We're going to ride on the Teacups, first.” Sophie began twirling.
“Everyone spin like this.”

Betsaida, Talia and a few of the girls from the other class followed
Sophie's lead. Lily spun slowly so that her skirt wouldn't lift too
high.

“Oh no, my cup broke!” Betsaida cried as she crashed into Sophie.

“That can't happen. All the rides are safe. My dad said so.” Sophie
brushed imaginary dirt from her arms then pointed to the slide. “Next we
can go on the log ride.”

They rode down the slide in pairs, holding each other's waists like a
bobsled team. Lily told Sophie to go first and took Bet's hand so no one
else could feel her pull-up. They anticipated each other pair's descent
poorly and caused a jam on the slide, but everyone laughed all the way
down.

At the bottom, Lily put a hand to her ear. “Do you hear thunder?”

All the girls shook their head. Save for a few wispy clouds near the
mountains, the sky was wide and blue.

Lily lowered her voice. “Sometimes in California they get really bad
hurricanes. You never know when one is going to hit.” She punctuated the
last word by pretending she was being blown about. “Hurricane!” she
cried.

The other girls joined her as the imaginary winds spun them across the
playground. Oscar and Jacob even joined in with big smiles. As she
watched everyone followed her lead, Lily felt a swirl of happiness
nearly lift her off her feet.

When they lined up to go inside, Betsaida whispered into Lily's ear.
“Blablabla.”

Lily put a finger up to her grin to shush her friend. As they marched to
class, Lily thought about how firmly Miss Anne came down on her lying.
Miss Anne knew immediately that Lily was lying about allergies. Why
didn't she through Lily's big lies?

“Why are you smiling?” Betsaida whispered.

“Blablaba,” Lily mouthed silently.

* * *

After lunch, Talia and Lily settled into a game of Connect Four. Lily
found not-winning to be quite a challenge. It felt unfair to trounce
Talia as easy as she could have in just a few moves. Lily dropped a
piece into a slot and it knocked all the pieces straight through.

“What the hell?” Lily squeaked then threw a hand over her mouth.

“Lily said a bad word!” Talia giggled.

“Lily!” Miss Anne snapped. “I expect better from you. We don't use that
kind of language here. Head straight to time out in Miss Brit's room.”

“But-”

“Now.”

Lily walked across the hall and stood at the doorway of the younger
class. The four year olds were loudly playing a dozen games each. Some
fought over toys. Miss Brit was so overwhelmed it took her a minute to
notice Lily.

“Oh deary deary. Come take a seat, you,” she said. “What's your name?”

“Lily.”

“Misbehaving on your teacher's birthday of all things.”

Lily sat on the time-out stool in the corner. She hoped Miss Anne
wouldn't call home over one bad word. She couldn't think of any way to
find out without making it worse.

“Ewww,” came a chorus of voices behind her. “Miss Brit, Harry pooped!”

“Again, Harry?” Miss Brit sighed.

“Lily, could you turn around and keep an eye on these kids. I've got to
take this one into the bathroom, and it will be a minute.”

Lily swiveled around on the stool while Miss Brit escorted the boy into
the attached restroom. It must be nice having a toilet so close, Lily
thought. How many close-calls and emergencies would that solve? Even in
houses, only the grown-up master bedroom came with one attached.

The two kids nearest Lily were stuck on a puzzle. Their voices rose as
they couldn't agree on how to start and they were both fitting random
pieces together.

“Why don't you sort them all aside by color?” Lily asked. “See the
picture on the box? This girl has a purple dress and this one has blue.”

The girls looked confused. “Can you show us?” one asked.

Lily glanced at the open door to the restroom then hoped off her stool.
It wouldn't be big trouble, she thought. She could say the girls were
about to fight - which seemed true. She helped the girls sort and gave
them hints but fought the urge to complete the puzzle herself.

“You're really good at puzzles,” one of the girls said.

“I've had lots of practice.”

“Would you do a puzzle with me next?” asked a boy's voice.

Lily looked up to see Harry watching them. Lily glanced back to Miss
Brit, who didn't seem to mind that Lily had left her time-out stool.

“Sure,” Lily said.

She helped three more puzzles to completion before the lunch cart came
around.

“Oh,lunchtime!” Miss Brit said. “Lily, you probably should have gone
back to class ten minutes ago. Run along.”

“Bye Lily!” the kids called. “Come back!”

* * *

After lunch, Miss Anne led everyone outside again. There were no older
kids to monopolize the sidewalk chalk, so Betsaida and Lily declined
another game of Disney Land and found a quiet corner to draw.

“Miss Britt said it's Miss Anne's birthday,” Betsaida said.

“She told me that too,” Lily said. “We should do something special for
her.”

“Like what?”

“Like draw her a big birthday message.” Lily looked over the paved
areas. There was hardly any free space after a half-day of children
drawing. “We'll have to draw it on the wall to make it big enough.”

“They'll never ever let us.” Betsaida sighed as if it were the greatest
struggle of her life.

Lily grinned. “Then we need a plan. Let's get Oscar and Jacob.”

“But not Talia. She's a snitch.”

They met Oscar and Jacob underneath the slide as Lily explained. “We'll
have to distract both teachers,” she finished. “But how?”

“I have a really big scab,” Jacob said. “If I pick it, it will bleed a
lot. That would work on one of them.”

“You'll have to pretend to cry,” Betsaida said. “Can you do it?”

Jacob made a face like a sad puppy. It was surprisingly effective.

“Good,” Lily said. “That's one teacher. Any other ideas?”

“We could pretend we hear a phone ringing and they need to answer it?”
Oscar offered.

Lily shook her head. Jacob was already peeling back the top layer of his
scab. Lily felt her tummy squirm. She remembered Harry.

“I have an idea,” she said even before she'd made up her mind. “Mine
will only work on Miss Anne, so Jacob you have to go to Miss Tess.”

“what's your idea?” Oscar asked.

“Just trust me,” Lily said.

“What are you guys doing under here?” Sophie hung upside-down over the
edge of the slide.

“Oscar and Bet, tell Sophie. She can help draw.”

“But-”

“No buts. Ready? Set? Go!”

Jacob staggered toward Miss Tess. “I need a bandaid,” he whined.

Lily waited until Miss Tess was turned then ran toward Miss Anne. “I
need to potty!” she cried.

Miss Anne sighed. “Lily, we just went.”

“No,” Lily lowered her voice as she got closer. “I need to poop.”

Miss Anne pushed Lily toward the door. “You go inside and come right
back out when you're done.”

That wouldn't be enough time, Lily realized. “No, Miss Anne, I, um, I
need help.” She let her actual urgency affect her voice, and Miss Anne
seemed to get the message.

Walking up the stairs and toward the bathroom, it wasn't as difficult as
Lily imagined it might be to let a little escape, but with every step
she took, she feared she had gone too far this time. There could be
consequences for this lie. Miss Anne sat Lily on the toilet with the
pull-up still hanging from Lily's ankles. Lily stared down. The mess had
felt monstrous in her pants but looked more like a smear. When she
finished, Miss Anne helped her wipe without saying a word. Was she mad?
Lily felt terrible.

“I'm sorry,” Lily mumbled.

“Your mom will be very disappointed in you.”

Lily burst into tears at the thought of her mother. None of this would
have happened if Mom hadn't disappeared. “She's gone,” she blubbered.
“She left me.”

Miss Anne let Lily rest her head on her shoulder as she helped her into
a clean pull-up. Only once the training pants were in place did Lily
feel Miss Anne's arms wrap around her. She doesn't trust me for even a
few seconds, Lily thought and a fresh sob broke through her clenched
throat.

“Is your mom off traveling again?” Miss Anne asked.

Lily nodded into Miss Anne's shoulder.

“Do you know when she'll be back?”

Lily shook her head.

Miss Anne took the hem of Lily's skirt and wiped her cheeks. “It won't
be forever, sweetie. I promise.”

The bright sun burned Lily's sore eyes when Miss Anne opened the door to
the playground. When she was able to focus again, she saw Miss Tess
holding both Betsaida and Oscar by the arm.

“What do you want to do about these two?”

Miss Anne groaned. “What did they do now?”

Miss Tess pointed toward wall of the church where “Happy birthday Miss
Anne” was spelled out in block letters as tall as little arms could
reach. Chalky, misshapen balloons floated around it. Sophie was holding
her hands behind her back and watching the sky with cartoonish
innocence.

“Oh dear,” was all Miss Anne could say at first.

* * *

The birthday message was still up during late afternoon recess. The
girls were riding their horses to a fairy tea party when Lily noticed
Aunt Julia standing outside the fence and talking to Miss Anne.

“Princess Aurora,” Talia said. “You're falling behind.”

“Oh, right,” Lily said as she galloped to catch up.

Miss Anne and Julia had a lot to discuss that recess was over before
Julia took Lily's hand and led her to the car. Lily feared what
questions would follow. There were too many things Miss Anne might have
said that she couldn't pre-emptively explain any of it. Which would Aunt
Julia be the most mad about? Which would she share with Dad?

“Did you have fun today?” Julia asked without hint of anger or
disappointment.

“Yeah,” Lily said.

“Just a boring day at the dentist for us, right Gavin?” Julia waited for
Gavin to climb into his booster seat. He moved with heavy-lidded
resentment of a kid who missed their nap.

“Why doesn't Lily have to sit in a booster?” Gavin whined.

“She's too big for one. She probably doesn't even remember owning one,
do you Lily?”

“I'm big,” Gavin insisted.

“You're big for five. Just like Lily's tall for her age.”

Lily tried not to laugh. No one had ever called her tall before.

“The last time I saw Lily in a booster seat, it was probably before you
were born, Gavin,” Julia said as she started the car. “Lily, you might
not remember when your dad brought you up here. It was what? I guess at
least five years ago. Seems longer. Selene was still in elementary
school, I remember that. I must have been pregnant with Gavin. We took
you to the zoo in Ellensburg.”

Lily did remember. At six or seven, she had been old enough to fight
over her own booster seat and the way everyone carried her and treated
her like a toddler. She remembered Mom didn't go with them. She
remembered listening through the walls while Julia and Grammy fought
with Dad about Mom.  “She'll break your heart,” they said. “She's
trouble.” Dad and her didn't come back for Christmas, like everyone
promised. Dad wouldn't talk with them for years, not even after Mom
disappeared.

The distance was fortunate for Lily, she realized. It was what allowed
her lie to work. Whether Julia had shut Dad and her out so completely
she forgot or whether she was just so self-involved she couldn't keep
track of anyone else, Lily didn't care. She just had to

Gavin wrestled with his seat belt, trying to find a comfortable
position. “I don't want Lily smiling at me. When is she going away?”

“Gavin, we've been over this. She lives here now. This isn't her
vacation, this is her new life. Right here with us.”

When they pulled up to Grammy's house, Julia gave Lily a light bag of
groceries to carry while she took the heavier one. Before opening the
door, she stopped Lily and placed a hand on her cheek.

“You're a brave one, Lily, to put up with all the changes in your life.
I know we haven't been a part of your life for years and years, but
we're trying to fix that. We're family, Lily. And I want you know I'm
here for you.

“But you gotta promise me,” Julia continued. “You're Dad doesn't need
extra stress right now. So I don't want to hear another word about you
causing any more problems.”

Lily nodded.

Julia kissed Lily's forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Lily said. It wasn't really true, but it's what one
said, she knew. It's what Sophie or Talia or Betsaida would have said.
“Did you get any ice cream?”

“You betcha.” Julia grinned then pushed the door open. “David, brought
you some food and the sweetest girl you'll ever meet!”

Julia was emptying the groceries into the refrigerator when Dad entered,
yawning. “Everything all right? You look frazzled.”

”Busy day and I still gotta pick Selene up next. Toodles!” The door
closed behind Julia.

“Huh,” Dad said scratching his head.

Lily tugged on his shirt. “Can we have ice cream for dinner?”

  Chapter 13

“Looks like the storms have past,” Dad said. “They're actually
predicting a drought. That would be something, huh? Like a vacation
without leaving the house.”

Lily pointed ahead. “I see one.”

Dad shaded his eyes with his hand. “Is that a motorcycle?”

So far the neighborhood garage sale had been a bust. The participants
who weren't happily retired were young parents eager to unload their
baby's outgrown clothes. Neither group had anything Lily or Dad desired,
but a gentle wind rustled the trees framed by the pink and purple hues
of the clouds snuggling the sun as it leisurely dropped toward the
horizon. On a cool, clear day like this, even Dad couldn't resist a
walk, braces and all. The heavy black devices were strapped around his
legs, glistening at their metallic joints.

“They really do work,” Dad had said earlier. “I don't know why everyone
doesn't wear these.”

At the top of the next driveway, a girl about a foot taller than Lily
reclined on a lawn chair and held a metal tin for money on her lap.
Though large sunglasses hit half her expression, she nodded as Dad and
Lily walked up the driveway. The motorcycle and the teenager were
promising, so Lily cast her eyes over the garage for anything
interesting. She was drawn to a collection of Barbies and a small wooden
crib, the perfect size for her only doll. Its hand-painted strawberry
ornamentation was sloppy but spoke of caring artist. Lily fell in love
with it immediately, but at $18, it was three dollars more than what Dad
had given her to spend. She couldn't find the nerve to ask Dad for the
extra money. It was seven-year-old Lily's desire, she told herself. Not
hers. She had to be big around Dad. For him.

Dad was looking at power tools he would never use, so Lily wandered
toward a bin full of books. There were a few dozen from a series she
liked about twins whose babysitting jobs always led to unlikely
mysteries. Lily lost her collection in the move, but at $3 each, it was
too much for even the few she hadn't read. By book sixty, there was
hardly any established characters in Roverside left to be a suspect
except the twins themselves. Consequently the solutions became obvious
or nonsensical, and neither was rewarding.

“See anything good?” Dad asked.

“Not really.”

“Not going to talk me into the motorcycle?”

“For me or you?”

“Who'd do more damage?”

Lily pointed at Dad and he laughed. They waved to the teen before
heading back for the sidewalk. Lily was still thinking about the crib.
Maybe if she didn't buy anything, they could return for it on the way
home?

“Lemonade?” a boy asked. “Only fifty cents.”

Dad paused at the cardboard stand. “Lily?”

Lily shook her head. Her pull-up was dry, and she hoped to keep it that
way. “Not thirsty,” she said.

Dad smiled at the boy. “Maybe on the way back. Good luck.”

A few houses down the street, Dad looked down at Lily. “Betsaida is a
bit young, isn't she?”

“There aren't a lot of kids my age at daycare.” It was the truth, Lily
knew. Just not the whole truth.

“She's what, nine or ten?”

“She's fun, Dad. And silly. And she doesn't laugh at me.”

“Nobody's bullying you, are they? We could make that stop.” Dad's tone
grew dark.

“No, Dad. We just became friends on the playground, and...” Lily trailed
off. Since her return to daycare, she'd found the daily release helped
her have a clear head for dealing with Dad. Could she explain that
without hurting him?

“You don't have to explain anything, Lily,” Dad said as if reading her
mind. “I'm not telling you that you can't be friends. I'm just worried
about what will happen when school starts. You will need friends your
age, friends in your classes.”

“I know.”

“But you're old enough to make your own choices.”

Is she? Lily wondered. If Dad knew what choices she had been making,
would he still say that?

“Have you talked to Annabel lately? You must miss your friends back
home, huh?” Dad asked. “I'm sorry I've put you through all this.”

“It's okay, Dad. It's for you.”

“You shouldn't have to do things for me though.”

“We're family,” Lily said. Hearing Dad's indignant tone always hurt.
Lily knew he was upset with himself, with his lot in life, but she heard
the words as if they were directed at her.

Dad continued. “Why are we even here now that Grammy's gone? What did I
think would happen if her health failed? I already had you, and you've
been a great help through this whole process.”

“If you like peanut butter and jelly,” Lily said. She felt guilty for
the praise and goodwill Dad was extending toward her. She'd quietly let
Julia take over many of her old chores.

Dad smiled. “You know I do. But Lily, you know I don't expect anything
from you. I will figure this out. You just need to be yourself and do
what's right for you.”

“Dad...” Lily felt the sting of tears. Dad could be loving and generous
when he was in a good mood, but she couldn't help but think of the days
his pain was high. How would he feel when they reached home and he took
the braces off? He'd already worn them longer than he ever had.

Dad pulled her close. She held her body away from the pinching joints of
the braces. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn't mean to get gushy. Wait. What
the hell is that up ahead?”

Lily looked up. “A big tricycle?”

“But there are two seats. It's a tandem big tricycle.”

Lily grinned. “Can we get it? We can put Humphrey in the basket. We
could buy him a little helmet and everything.”

Dad laughed. “And then what? Where would we even go?”

“Where wouldn't we go?” It was easier to make Dad laugh than to have a
serious conversation.

“Oh gross,” Dad whispered. “Don't look.”

As they climbed the driveway, Dad pushed her past a series of geometric
nude prints that leaned against a card table in casual display. They had
the straight lines and bold colors of fashion design, but there was no
fashion to be found on any of the models.

“Ew,” Lily whispered.

She cut across to the other side of the driveway where a half-dozen rows
of books were baking in the sun. As she scanned the spines and moved
down the row, she tugged occasionally at the hem of her shirt to keep
her pull-up's waistband hidden. A small reddish-brown puppy ran up to
her and began sniffing her shoes and butt between yapping fits. Lily
smiled and held out her hand to pet it, but the puppy could only enjoy
the attention in brief, agitated spurts though it kept coming back for
more.

Dad stood behind her. “I don't think the puppy's for sale, princess.
Anything worth reading?”

“History and romance.”

“Oh well. Maybe the next one is our lucky garage.” Dad took Lily's hand.
They walked past a few houses before Dad lowered his voice again. “Are
you wearing pull-ups during the day again?”

Lily felt her heart gallop. “Sometimes,” she admitted.

“I'm not mad, Lily.” Dad kept his voice quit. “I'm proud of you for
taking responsibility on your own. But I wish you had told me. I thought
you were doing so well. I guess I should have known by how fast you were
going through them. We could try to see a doctor again, if it's worse.”

“It's not worse,” Lily insisted stubbornly.

“Then what's wrong?”

“I don't like being afraid all the time.” Lily said the words with more
force than she intended. Maybe Dad's easy-going attitude was meant to
lessen her anxiety about public accidents, but she had to actually live
with the possibility, with the reputation.

“Lily, you need to talk to me if I'm going to help.”

“I don't need help,” Lily said. “I can manage it.”

But what about Miss Anne? seven year-old-old-Lily's voice asked. You
asked for her help. You wanted her help.

Dad's phone rang and he let go of her hand. “Hang on, princess,” he
said. “Huh. That's weird. I should take this. It's my old boss.”

Dad stepped under the shade of a curbside tree with his back toward
Lily.

Lily - the real Lily - was furious. She felt like Dad had done nothing
but question her then insist he trusted her all afternoon. But she was
afraid too. Except for the sleepover, she had kept her two lives
separate, but Dad had noticed aspects of her pretend life, the one she
hid from him. What did it mean if her seven-year-old self fooled
everyone but the real Lily made Dad concerned and suspicious?

Maybe you're not so big after all.

Dad slipped the phone back into his pocket. “They just fired the new guy
and asked me to come back.”

Lily realized she'd been too self-absorbed to hear his half of the
conversation. “What did you say?”

“That I'll think about. It's tempting. That was one hell of a raise he
offered, but I couldn't work the hours I used to, that's for sure.”

Lily nodded. She would be surprised if Dad made it home from the walk
without needing a nap before dinner. How would he handle a day at the
office?

“Would you like to go back?” Dad asked.

Lily hadn't thought about home in weeks. She spent so much time at
daycare, and as a seven-year-old, she knew no other life than this one.
That old life wasn't home anymore. As much as she resented the idea at
first, she enjoyed daycare more than she liked following Dad to his
appointments. If they did go back, could she rebuild her second life
there too? The question raised more guilt, but she couldn't imagine
giving it up now that she'd found it.

“Lily, is that silence a yes or a no?” Dad asked. “You can be honest.”

“I don't know,” Lily said, near tears.

“It's okay. I don't expect you to decide. Maybe it was wrong of me to
ask.”

Another step forward and then retreat. He doesn't think you're capable.

At the next garage, a pair of men in matching tropical shirts and white
shorts welcomed them warmly. Lily expected to find nothing appealing,
but to her surprise a whole table was covered in pristine toys. Among
them she found a sizable collection of Koala Town figures. The Koala
family, the Rabbits, the Raccoons, and Turtles. Even the Alligator
family with their red overalls and scaly bare feet.

“Dad! Look!” She held up Mama and Bobby Koala.

“You used to have some of those, didn't you?” Dad said. He closed his
eyes after a quick glance. Lily felt disappointed. If there was anything
from home she wanted, it was her missing Koala Town collection.

“Are you a fan?” The bearded man asked.

“It's my favorite,” Lily said.

“My daughter loved that show when she was around your age. These were
the only things she asked for at Christmas or birthday for a couple of
years.”

Lily pulled aside the Rabbit family. She didn't care what Dad thought.
“Do you have the rabbit car?” she asked.

“The one shaped like a carrot? I think our dog chewed that up. So what
do you think? Does twenty for all of them work?”

Lily eyed the Raccoon family. “Dad? Could I have a little more? Please?”
When he didn't answer, she turned to look at him with big round eyes
prepared to persuade, but Dad's eyes didn't focus on her. Sweat beaded
across his forehead.

“Dad?” Lily asked. “Are you alright?”

“My hands are shaking. I might need to sit down.”

Before anyone could react, Dad collapsed. His head hit the concrete.

“Dad!” Lily screamed and knelt beside him.

“Back up, sweetheart.” The bearded man picked Lily up so his partner
could get closer to Dad. “Jim is a nurse. Give him some room.”

Lily kicked at the air, but the bearded man had thick arms and held her
close. She could see blood seeping from Dad's hair and across his
temple.

“He's breathing,” Jim said. “His pulse is out of control. I'll call an
ambulance.”

Lily was still screaming and crying when the ambulance arrived. Dad
continued to shake in sporadic bursts as the paramedics loaded him onto
the stretcher and lifted him into the ambulance. The bearded man had let
go, but Lily didn't know what to do. Was she allowed in the ambulance?
How else would she find him at the hospital? She wasn't even sure how to
get home.

The medics were securing Dad's stretcher when the bearded man cried out,
“Wait up!” He scooped her up again and deposited her in the back of the
ambulance. “She's with him,” he told the paramedics.

“Are you his daughter?” one of them asked.

Lily could only nod.

Before the doors closed, the bearded man handed Lily a plastic bag.
“Here, take these.”

Lily looked into the bag and saw the complete Koala Town figures jumbled
together, one family blending into another. She might have thrown the
figures back at the man except the ambulance doors swung closed.

* * *

Inside the ambulance, Dad stirred and mumbled while the paramedics
wrapped his head in bandages. At first his voice was lost in the noise
of the siren and the staccato code of the paramedics, but his expression
grew tense when Lily didn't respond. “Lily, tell them!” he hissed. “Tell
them what we have.”

Lily was crying too hard to form words. Come on, tell them. It was her
twelve-year-old self yelling at her from far, far away. “I can't,” she
squeaked. “I don't know.”

“What is he saying?” asked one of the paramedics.

Lily could only shake her head. Dad remained silent until they reached
the hospital. Lily couldn't tell if he was awake.

* * *

“Go, go, go!”

Lily ran as fast as her short legs could as the ambulance team wheeled
Dad's stretcher through the doors of the hospital and straight to the
emergency room. They stopped in a tiny room and a nurse drew heavy
curtains closed. Lily tried to stay by Dad's side, but in the cramped
space, one of the nurses kept bumping into her. Soon wires ran from Dad
to several machines which came alive one by one with beeps and bright,
inscrutable displays.

Another nurse was working at a computer attached to the wall. “Name?” he
asked. When Lily didn't answer, the nurse snapped his fingers in front
of Lily's eyes. “Name?”

Lily couldn't speak. You know his name at least, tell them! Lily's mouth
moved but no words came out. The other nurse reached into Dad's pocket
and tossed her coworker Dad's wallet before shining a small flashlight
into Dad's eyes.

The nurse at the computer typed furiously. “Got him. Situation?” he
asked.

“He fell down,” Lily said. Her voice sounded small, frightened.

“EMS said he collapsed,” answered the other nurse. “Tachycardia. 180bpm.
Myoclonus. Dilated pupils. Seizure?”

“No history,” said the nurse at the computer. “Look at these meds.”

They both studied the computer then shook their heads. The female nurse
turned and passed beyond the curtain.

The male nurse gently took Lily by the hand and guided her toward a
plastic chair in the corner. “Hush, hush. Just take a seat, dear. The
doctor will be in shortly. We'll take good care of him.” But he too
disappeared behind the curtain, and as quickly as they had come, Lily
was alone. Dad's legs twitched, but he remained silent.

You have to do something, think. Lily stood up to hold Dad's hand.
“Don't leave me, Daddy,” she whispered. “I need you.” Lily noticed Dad's
phone peeking out of his pocket. She unlocked the screen and scrolled
through his contacts.

“Hello?”

“Daddy's in the hospital.” Lily sobbed so hard she started coughing.
“I'm scared.”

“Sweetie, did you say the hospital?” Julia's voice rose. “Can you tell
me what happened?”

“He fell down and an ambulance came.”

“So you're there now? Which hospital?”

“I don't know,” Lily wailed. It was on the sign when you entered. Didn't
you look?

“Is there someone there I can talk to? Is there a grown-up?”

“They left. I'm all alone.”

Lily could hear talking on the other end. “Stay on the line with me,
sweetheart. Bob and I are coming. We'll be there as quick as we can. I
need you to find a grown-up. Could you go find a doctor or a nurse
maybe?”

Lily approached the curtains just as a new nurse opened them. An older
woman with streaks of gray in her short hair, she smiled at Lily before
dimming the lights. Lily held out the phone.

“Lily? Are you there?” Julia's voice sounded panicked through the tiny
speaker.

“Who's this? Is this your mom?” the nurse asked as she took the phone.

Lily shook her head. Tell her!

“To whom am I speaking?” The nurse asked into the phone. “I'm a nurse,
yes.”

Lily took Dad's hand and let the nurse answer all of Julia's questions.
She could feel tremors running through his muscles.

When the nurse returned the phone, she took Lily's hands. “You're Edith
Darling's granddaughter?” she asked.

Lily nodded.

“What's your name, honey?”

“Lily.”

“That's a pretty name. I'm Maggie. We're monitoring your father's
condition. Right now we think he had a cardiac event. Do you know what
that means?”

Heart attack.

“It's a heart attack. The doctor wants to check his blood, so I'm going
to take a sample right now. Are you scared of needles?”

Lily watched as Maggie stuck a needle into Dad's arm and drew blood.
Maggie kept talking as she worked. “Your father goes to the hospital a
lot, huh? The doctor might have some questions for you if your father
doesn't wake up first, but it sounds like your aunt and uncle are on
their way. Do you have any questions for me?”

Will he be alright? What can I do?

“No? You come find me if you need anything. I'll be monitoring his
progress from out there in the main room, but everyone here is here to
help. Understand?”

The green glow of the displays danced on the rippling curtains, and Lily
was alone.

* * *

Julia and Bob's voices sounded distant though Lily could see their
shadows sway across the floor.

“David's in radiology right now,” Maggie told them.

“Radiology? What's the situation?” Julia asked.

“Echocardiagram and x-ray. The doctor's worried about fractures. There
was a head injury, and we saw some bruising when we disrobed him.”

Lily opened the curtain.

“But it's his heart? That's new. He has - oh god, I forget what it's
called. His stretchy tissue syndrome.”

“Ehlers-Danlos,” Lily squeaked.

Maggie smiled at Lily. “The doctor's aware. I did see dysautonomia
mentioned on his chart. Do you know his specific issues?”

“No, I've no clue,” Julia said. “Where is the doctor?”

Bob wrapped an arm around Lily's shoulder and guided her back through
the curtain. Julia and Maggie continued talking outside.

Bob crouched down as he helped Lily into the plastic chair. “Hey, Lily.
Hanging in there?”

“I didn't know what to do.” Lily's tears began. “He woke up but he
didn't make any sense.”

Before they took Dad from her, he began murmuring but Lily couldn't make
sense of it. When Lily left to find Maggie, the nurse didn't know how to
make it stop. That was before they pushed her out of the room to dress
Dad in a hospital gown. Sweaty and frail, he barely looked familiar when
they later wheeled him out of the room.

“Shhh, shhh,” Bob took Lily's hands and massaged them. ”It's alright.
You did the right thing calling us. No one expects you to do any more.
Your job is done. It's right to feel scared. The ER is scary. But we're
here, and your dad's in good hands now. Julia will see to that, believe
me.”

* * *

Julia pushed open the door to the women's room then followed Lily into a
stall. “What's in the bag?” she asked. “Toys? Where'd you get those?”

“Garage sale,” Lily mumbled as she pulled down her own pants and
pull-up. Why are you letting her come with you? You can do this on your
own.

“Oh dear, sweetie. That pull-up is done for. Do you have a spare?”

Lily shook her head.

“We'll have to run you home anyway. Your dad could be here all night,
and you need sleep, you poor baby.”

“Will this work?” A woman from the next stall slid a pink pull-up under
the wall. “Sorry, I couldn't help but hear.”

Julia stretched the waistband of the pull-up. “No, that looks perfect.
Thank you so much.”

“Of course,” the woman said. “These potty-training days are no vacation,
but they're over quick.”

“One hopes,” Julia said.

Julia removed Lily's shoes and pants while Lily released a burst of pee.
The new pull-up was a tight fit and decorated with smiling portrait of
Cinderella. As they washed their hands, the woman from the other stall
gave Lily an odd look.

* * *

The doctor finally appeared in Dad's room shortly after they returned.
“Let's get him set up with an IV,” she told Maggie before turning to Bob
and Julia. “I'm Dr. Greene,” she said. “Based on David's medications,
we're looking at serotonin syndrome as a strong possibility. There's no
good test for it, but the symptoms fit and the echo was clear.”

Lily struggled to follow. When would Dad wake up? When could they go
home? When the doctor asked about dad's med schedule and eating habits,
Lily began to fear she was responsible.

“We're going to keep him here in ER for observation a while longer, but
he will have to be admitted properly tonight. The x-rays suggest damage
to the right hip, but his skull is fine. We're trying to get the ortho
on the phone now. If David stays stabilized, we could be looking at
surgery in the morning or afternoon.”

Julia had a hundred questions for Dr Greene, but even when Lily
understood the words, the implications were impossible to untangle from
her anxiety. If only you stayed on top of his eating habits or helped
him with his medication calender. I could have done those things. The
voice was growing fainter, drowned out by a primal wail and wild
sobbing.

“You should get that little one home,” Dr Greene said.

* * *

Lily followed Uncle up the dark walk to Grammy's house. Her bag of toys
banged against her knee, the only sound on the block. It wasn't until
they reached the door that Lily realized she hadn't thought to grab
Dad's key, but Bob had his own. Humphrey ran to greet them. He might
have been overcome by his own doggie anxiety while they were gone, but
in his little mind the worst was over now. Lily knelt to pet him. She
didn't even mind as he licked her face.

“Poor guy,” Bob said. “That's probably his number one fear these days.
Being abandoned.”

They watched Humphrey run around the yard then called him inside.

“I need to find a few things of your Dad's. I'll let you pack for
yourself,” Bob said. “Go ahead and grab a few day's worth. Pajamas,
socks, pants, shirts, underwear, everything you need.”

In her room, Lily opened a suitcase on her bed and started emptying her
dresser. Beginning with the bottom drawer, she threw random picks toward
her bed. What she would wear seemed trivial so long as Dad was in the
hospital. When she reached the top drawer, she hesitated. On one side
lay her socks and panties. On the other, stacks of pull-ups. She threw
some socks toward her bed and stared at her underwear.

Lily's failures caught up with her there, in that image. Who did she
need to be big for now that Dad was in the hospital? She had done a
terrible job of it, and there wasn't any sense trying anymore. She
wasn't capable.

Lily took the panties from her drawer and hid them under her mattress.
She poured her new toys into the suitcase on top of her pull-ups and
fastened the locks.

  Chapter 14

The sun cut a bright path across the carpet toward Lily where she lay in
a ball of unfamiliar blankets. The voices of other rooms echoed through
the house as if many miles away, and though Lily knew she was with
family, she felt as lost as she had the night before in the emergency
room. She rolled over and felt the cold pull-up stuffed between her
legs. A snarl of guilt and anxiety caught her breath, but it snapped
loose and dissolved in the warm light.

The stillness woke a voice from long ago. “I'm Lily. I'm seven.”

It was true now. She had made it true. Once she tried so hard to be
responsible, but that had only caused pain and embarrassment. Now that
she accepted the truth, she could protect. They too would see nothing
felt out of place any longer. Her pull-up was wet because it was
sometimes. That's why she wore them. Somebody would tell her to try
harder, to make Daddy proud. She would say she would, but everyone knew
she wouldn't. Daddy was gone because he was sick and went to the
hospital. She would miss him and cry, but she couldn't do more. She was
hungry, but she only needed to go downstairs and she would be fed. She
couldn't be depended upon for these things, but everyone knew that now.
The lie was true.

Lily cried quietly for what she had lost. Daddy had been her last who
believed in her, but she had failed him. She knew she had to leave the
safety and warmth of the bed to face her punishment, but she tossed
about on the bed a while longer.

As her stomach growled, she heard jingling from the hallway. Humphrey
pushed the door open with his nose and jumped onto the bed. His little
tail wagged so hard that his whole body shook as he licked her face.

“Stop it,” Lily groaned, but it was hard to feel gloomy around so much
love. “I'm up. I'm up.”

Lily threw back the blanket and lowered her legs over the edge of the
mattress. Humphrey spun in circles that edged toward the door, and Lily
followed. She didn't need her suitcase. Lily descended the stairs
wearing her t-shirt from the day before and the very wet princess
pull-up. Everyone would be disappointed with her, but that's how she
would teach them the lesson. She had to seem helpless to protect them
from making Daddy's mistake.

Her cousins and Uncle Bob were seated at the dining room table. They had
been laughing as Lily approached.

“There's our sleeping beauty,” Bob said. “Julia wanted to make you a
special Sunday breakfast. I hope you like waffles.”

Julia called from the kitchen, “Is that Lily? Help yourself to anything
on the table.”

All this was for her? She didn't feel at all as if she deserved a feast,
but the pit in her stomach needed something. The table was covered with
stacks of waffles, crisp bacon, a pan filled with scrambled eggs, and
jars of jelly. Lily hadn't eaten dinner the night before, and the smells
made her ravenous. “Is there maple syrup?” she asked.

“You bet.” Bob pulled out the chair beside him, but instead of sitting
Lily wrapped her arms around him. He hugged her tightly and brushed her
hair. “Everything is going to be okay,” he whispered.

Lily knelt on her chair and slopped large servings of everything onto
her plate. Bob passed her the maple syrup, which she poured over
everything.

“Slow down there, caterpillar,” Bob laughed. “Let's keep it all on the
plate.”

Julia came to the table with a glass of orange juice for her. “We're
going to visit your father some time before lunch, but take your time.
Bob has to head over to Grammy's to grab a few things like a phone
charger, and anyway, you probably want a bath before we head out.”

“Grammy's dead,” Gavin said.

“Hush,” Bob scolded. “Mom knows.”

Lily nodded though she was barely listening as she shoveled food into
her mouth. When Lily's thirst caught up, she drank the orange juice in
one long gulp. “More please?”

Lily could see worry cloud her aunt's expression, but Julia said nothing
as she poured another glass.

Bob wiped his hands with a napkin then turned to Julia. “I need to run
to the office today.”

Selene scowled. “But it's Sunday.”

“It can wait until you're back from the hospital, Jules,” Bob continued
without addressing Selene. “Just preparing for a meeting first thing
tomorrow morning.”

“We need to do a grocery run too,” Julia said. “But we'll work it out.
Selene could watch these two.”

Selene crossed her arms. “If Dad's going to work, I want to go to
Rachel's.”

Julia didn't raise her tone despite the teen's attitude. “Don't make
plans yet. We may need you.”

Lily slowed down after her second waffle. Despite feeling full, the
empty feeling returned, as if her stomach had drained all the blood from
her heart. Beneath the table, Humphrey licked Lily's toes. She fed him a
scrap of bacon when no one was looking.

Gavin was pushing soggy pieces of toast around his plate. “Why is Lily
wearing diapers?”

“They're not diapers,” Lily insisted quietly.

“That's not a very polite question, Gavin,” Bob said.

Julia touched her son's hand. “Lily sometimes has accidents just like
you used to. It's a private thing. Do you remember what private means?
That's why you didn't know before. But while she's here with us, you
need to be supportive and helpful with her just like we were with you.
Can you do that for us?”

Gavin nodded enthusiastically. “Can I go play now?”

Bob and Julia consented, and Gavin ran for the living room. Julia
returned to the kitchen, and Bob stayed with Lily to make small talk.
Selene had been silently staring at Lily through the exchange. When Lily
glanced at her, the teenager turned her attention back to her phone
without a word.

* * *

Julia opened Lily's suitcase. “Let's pick out some clean clothes for
after your bath.”

Julia untangled the wrinkled knot of clothes, and Lily waited at her
aunt's side with muted satisfied that Julia had taken the cue. Lily
turned away when her aunt stacked the training pants to one side. They
made her conscious of her swollen pull-up. Selene's stare burned in her
mind, and Lily felt scared of what she had set in motion. “If I'm dry
all morning, can I wear big girl undies after lunch?” she asked though
she knew she had made it impossible.

“We'll see,” Julia said as she sorted clothes. “You know, Lily, people
go to the ER all the time. Did you know that Bob and Selene went last
summer? Selene broke her leg and had to get a cast. Bob had a terrible
headache.”

“Daddy gets headaches too.” Lily's eyes burned, but she didn't cry.

Julia rubbed Lily's hand. “I want you to understand that your dad will
come home. This isn't forever, Lily. It's important that we all do our
best while he's gone. Bob and I will do our best to take care of you,
but you need to try too. That said, we love you, Lily. We support you,
and we accept you.”

Julia started the water but left her to bathe alone. Lily caught herself
crying again, but she didn't want to call her aunt back into the room
and lose another ounce of privacy. Julia had taken to the lie so easily.
It revealed a lack of confidence that stung deep and wasn't so easy to
dismiss as part of the plan. Lily scrubbed and paused to sob quietly
whenever an image from the night came to her. When at last the water
began to cool, she toweled off and dressed herself in the shirt and
skirt that Julia laid out for her.

When Lily returned to the guest room, she dumped her new Koala Town toys
on the floor and sorted them into rows. The man at the garage sale had
been very generous, and Lily now had multiple families to play with.
Lily didn't feel she deserved them. She wondered if she should give them
to Bob to return.

Humphrey tramped into the room, nuzzled her arm, then found a warm spot
on the carpet. He couldn't relax either. His tongue hung out of his
mouth as he watched Lily with nervous energy. Lily laid her head down
next to him and stared at the ceiling.

“Knock, knock,” Bob stepped through the open door. Lily sat up and
brushed her skirt down over her pull-up. Bob was carrying a box. “I dug
out some of Selene's old toys a couple of days ago. Julia had thought
you might want them.”

When Lily didn't move, Bob leaned over and brushed her hair. “It's
alright to feel sad, but it's okay to play and have fun too. I'm heading
over to Grammy Bauer's now, but Julia is downstairs if you need her.”

Lily ignored the box for a few minutes, but she was overcome with
curiosity. Besides, Bob had said it's alright to play. Lily found a
number of stuffed animals, plastic food, a pretend sewing machine, and a
few ponies. Lily set up the food and ponies and began arranging the
first Koala-pony picnic. In the middle of combing a pony's hair, a
twinge of her bladder caught her by surprise. Lily squeezed her legs
together, and the pain disappeared. It was only a little bit, she
decided. She didn't need to stop playing just yet. Besides, she wasn't
supposed to be responsible anymore.

“Lily, what are you doing?” Selene was standing at the door. Lily wasn't
sure how long she had been there.

Lily lowered the pony to her lap. “I'm playing Koala Town.”

“No, Lily, why are you acting like this? This is weird.”

“Acting like what?”

“Mom and Dad are treating you like a little kid, and you're just going
along with it? Doesn't that make you mad?”

Selene hadn't seen the truth yet, Lily realized. “It's my fault,” Lily
mumbled.

Selene's face writhed with disgust. “What? Look, whatever is going on is
just too weird, and you need to stand up for yourself. I could talk to
them, but they don't listen to me. You've got to tell them no.”

Lily thought about how little love and acceptance Julia and Bob showed
their daughter. She imagined herself, fiery and stubborn like Selene,
drawing their wrath and their indifference. Lily shook her head.

Selene's hair whipped the air as she turned. “Fine. Whatever.”

* * *

Julia called up the stairs with a sing-song tone. “Lily, it's about time
to go. Do you need to use the bathroom?”

The shock sent another spasm through her bladder. The pain went away
quickly again. “No,” Lily answered.

Julia stopped at Lily's door. “Let's go anyway. I need to brush that
beautiful hair.”

Julia patted Lily's back until she rose and moved toward the bathroom.
Lily stopped at the toilet, afraid of the next step. Could she ask to do
it alone?

“Come on,” Julia said. “Let's get the show on the road.”

She bent over, but Lily twisted away and pulled her training pants down
by herself. Lily had climbed onto the toilet and a short burst of pee
released immediately. Julia was tugging forward Lily's purple waistband.

“What happened here?” Julia asked.

“I don't know,” Lily mumbled.

“What do you mean you don't now? Lily, you're wet. Didn't you feel it?”
Julia was disappointed, but no more.

“I don't know.”

Julia left only to return with a dry pull-up. Lily swallowed her pride.
She could handle disappointment. She had to protect Julia. “I want one
with a butterfly,” she said without moving.

Julia held the pull-up out. “They're all the same, sweetie.”

“I like the butterflies best,” Lily said.

Her aunt helped her off the toilet and into the pull-up with such a
gentle touch that Lily couldn't refuse when her aunt picked up the hair
brush herself. Lily stood on a stool in front of the sink while Julia
brushed her hair. She felt warmth spread through her body, followed by a
wave of guilt. So far being seven wasn't that awful at all.

* * *

Dad had been moved to a proper hospital room with windows, a TV, and
thickly padded chairs. Though patients and hospital staff walked past
the door, it was more peaceful than the emergency room. Dad requested
Julia let them talk in private. In the heavy silence that followed the
closing door, Lily expected her guilt to return, but she was overwhelmed
with fear. Fear for his safety, fear that she was making mistakes
without him.

“I want you to come home, Daddy,” she said as she burst into tears.

“What have Bob and Julia told you, pumpkin?” Dad held out his hand, and
Lily gladly took it.

“They don't tell me anything.”

“Well, right now, it looks like I'm going to be here for a few weeks.
They need to do surgery on my hip, but they're afraid to put me under
before they know for sure what happened last night.”

“They're afraid?” Lily wasn't embarrassed by how terrified her voice
sounded if the doctors were afraid too.

“No, Lily, not like that. They're just being cautious.”

“They said it was a heart attack.”

“It was something like that. They suspect my medications interacted
badly, or I took too much of one, or my body wasn't cleaning up after
them well. I should be clear after a couple of days, and then it's
surgery time.”

“Then you can come home?”

“No, then I have to stay here to recover from that. More PT.” Dad
shifted and Lily had to let go of his hand. “Sorry, pumpkin. Not having
my meds means my nerves are causing all kinds of pain in my hands and
legs. I'm numb all over unless I move wrong.”

“Why do you have bandages on your head?”

“Just a cut from falling. Thankfully nothing worse. They're actually
asking me to do the 'how many fingers do I have up' routine every couple
of hours. Can you believe they really do that? You might get to see the
next test.”

After a few minutes silence, Lily climbed onto one of the large leather
chairs. Dad turned the volume of the TV up for a few minutes until a
commercial blared and he turned it back down.

“Lily, is something wrong? You seem a little... different today, I don't
know.”

Lily's eyes burned as fresh tears poured down her cheeks. She couldn't
find the words to explain, only to say what she needed. “I want to stay
with you.”

“I'm sure Julia wouldn't mind staying a little longer.”

“I want to stay with you always.”

“My princess, I want nothing more than for you to be with me, but you
can't stay in the hospital for weeks and weeks. You know that.” Dad
smiled sadly, then turned his attention back to the TV.

Lily thought about how much harder it was to think. Her thoughts crashed
into one another like dizzy kids. But something was bothering her about
what Dad had said. “I thought we weren't supposed to get surgery
because... because of the thing we have.”

“You're right. It's risky, but the alternative is never walking again or
a bad infection if the fracture gets worse.”

Julia knocked on the door before entering. She took the seat beside
Lily. “Have they talked about your calcium intake?”

“You mean like milk?”

“No, it's those damn leg braces. If I hadn't let them talk me into
those... I mean, I've fallen before, like anyone, but I've never hurt
myself this bad.”

“David, you should damage yourself like this at your age. They should be
looking into all the causes. Maybe I can talk with them.”

Dad and Julia argued, but Lily was lost in the memories of how she
reminded Dad about his braces, how she made him feel bad for disliking
them and not wearing them. She sunk a little lower into the chair. And
he wasn't drinking enough milk? They never liked milk, either of them.
So they stopped buying it long ago. Should Lily have reminded him about
that too? Lily stared down at her chest, all the more convinced of the
lie.

* * *

From her complicated dinners full of strange ingredients to the lavish
breakfast that morning, Lily had come to think of Julia as an excellent
cook. It was a surprise then when she was handed a hot dog and potato
chips for lunch. Lily's stomach had tied itself into a knot after the
hospital visit, and even the chips looked unappealing.

“Aw, poor thing. You must be feeling homesick.” Julia said as she
cleared Lily's plate. She touched Selene's shoulder as she passed, but
the teenager jerked away. “Selene, I'm going shopping. Gavin is at a
friend's, and your father's at the office.” So you're in charge of
Lily.”

“But I wanted to go to Rachel's. Can't Lily go with you to the store?”

“Consider it a trial run. I start working again tomorrow. Either Lily's
staying with you or going back to daycare.”

“Do I have to?”

“I like daycare,” Lily murmured.

“You need to pick up some responsibility around here,” Julia told
Selene. “And she needs some quiet and stability. Not to mention family.”

“Fine. Whatever.” Selene glanced at Lily, but said nothing more.

“Do you want anything else, Lily? No? Why don't you go use the bathroom
then. You haven't gone since we got home.”

* * *

Selene spent the first half-hour in front of the TV. Lily watched too
for a little bit, but it was hard to keep her eyes focused. She slid off
the couch to brush Humphrey, who had been following her as his own
source of comfort and stability.

When the credits rolled, Selene tossed the remote toward Lily. “I'm
going out back to play some basketball.”

Selene jogged upstairs and returned wearing gym shorts and a tank top.
The sliding door slammed, and the house fell silent. Lily couldn't bear
it for very long. She and Humphrey slipped out the back, where Selene
was practicing her free-throw on the hoop attached to the garage.

“Want to play?” she asked.

“I'm not supposed to,” Lily said meekly. She was staring at the
swing-set beyond the deck. Lily loved to swing, but Broadmoor didn't
have a set.

“You can do what you want.” Selene shrugged. “You don't have to follow
me around.”

Lily felt the tight winding of her heart and stomach loosen as soon as
she sat on a swing. The wind rushed through her hair, and she could
breathe deeply again. When swinging grew boring, she she ran around the
yard with Humphrey, who gladly chased after her. He stumbled over a
stick nearly as long as him, which he dropped at Lily's feet. She threw
it for him. They played fetch until the old dog was too tired, and Lily
found herself on a swing again.

When the sliding door opened next, Julia waved at them. “I'm home!
Selene, a little help with these groceries please?”

Humphrey ran for the door as if he knew what the word meant. Lily
continued swinging for a minute alone then leaped into the grass. As she
climbed the deck steps, her pull-up felt like a wet sock. It grew warm
again while she struggled with the heavy sliding door. Lily hadn't felt
it coming, but she bit down the shame of the accident. She was supposed
to be irresponsible.

“Can I have a drink please?” Lily asked.

“Of course, Lily. Just give us a minute to put things away.”

Lily passed Julia to take a seat at the breakfast bar, but Julia grabbed
her arm and held her still. “Hold up there. Oh damnit. You're leaking,
Lily. Run up stairs and change into something dry before you sit on
anything.”

When Lily reached the top of the stairs, she heard Julia roar like a
lion. She froze but quickly realized Julia was speaking to Selene. Lily
stood on the top step and listened to mother and daughter fight.

“She needs our support right now,” Julia said.

Selene kept her voice monotone, but her words were clipped. “Mom, she's
too old for this. It's weird.”

“So what if she backtracks a little? She needs reminders, big deal.”
Julia's tone rose and fell with exaggerated inflection. “Her life is
hard right now, Selene. It happens. It's natural. Her little head can't
handle what's happening to her.”

“Whatever weird thing you and Dad are doing, I'm not a part of it.”

“Just like you won't with Gavin either. I thought maybe you'd find it in
your heart to be there for Lily, but I guess I was wrong. You're going
to have to learn that you're a part of this family someday, Selene. You
rely on us too, and I hope to God Almighty that Lily and Gavin don't
remember this attitude when you need their help.”

“Mom, she's doing it on purpose.”

Though Julia's voice grew quiet, the words were still clear. “How dare
you, Selene. How dare you.”

Selene said nothing, or she muttered so quietly that Lily couldn't hear.

“If you can't handle babysitting her, then we'll just put her back in
daycare.” Julia moved toward the stairs.

Lily dashed for her room and sat down in the middle of Koala Town.
Selene's disappointment and disgust hurt, but Lily felt thankful to have
an aunt like Julia, who would stand up for her.

“Lily?” Julia called. “Did you change?”

“I forgot.” She had even, she realized, but she had to be helpless. She
pretended to play while Julia opened the dresser and pulled out a dry
pull-up, a butterfly one. Lily smiled. Her aunt might not understand her
reasons, but she understood what Lily needed. if Lily could stick to the
lie, Julia would protect everyone.

Lily didn't put her toys down even when Julia pulled her to her feet and
unfastened her skirt. “I'm sorry I took so long,” Julia said. “But when
you're that wet, you need to change into something dry immediately,
sweetheart. It's not good for your skin.”

“I didn't know,” Lily said. “Can I take my toys outside?”

  Chapter 15

Gavin wrapped himself around his mother's leg tightly as if a flood
might sweep through the lobby of Broadmoor Presbyterian. Julia rubbed
his back gently as he whimpered. Lily couldn't see her cousin's face,
but he sounded near to tears. “I don't want you to go.”

“I know, honey,” Julia said. “But I bet you once I'm gone, you're going
to have so much fun.”

“I won't.”

“Just give it a try, okay? I'll be back before lunch.” When Julia had to
forcefully tear Gavin from her legs, her tone hardened. “I really am
late, Gavin. Lily can take you from here.”

Lily held out her hand for Gavin. “You'll make friends, I promise. Maybe
we'll see each other on the playground.”

“I don't want any friends,” Gavin whined.

Lily smiled at her cousin's ridiculous negativity, but she caught
herself before he saw. She made a sympathetic sound instead and squeezed
his hand.

“Thank you, Lily,” Julia said. “You make a fine big sister.”

As Lily led Gavin down the hall, her heart felt light as air. Now that
she knew Julia understood, Lily longed to hear more words of trust and
encouragement. Earlier that morning she'd felt terribly guilty when
Julia discovered the wet blankets where Lily's pull-up had leaked. Lily
hadn't even noticed, which made the Julia's frown hurt worse, but she
hoped there was room for more praise in her seven-year-old life without
her going too far and breaking the spell.

Gavin's room wasn't so different from Miss Anne's from the artwork to
the toys. In one corner, a girl rocked a baby doll in her arms, and
elsewhere a boy held a toy plane in the air. Neither would have been out
of place in her own room, and Lily realized that she saw Gavin through
twelve-year-old-glasses, to think of him as much younger than her. If
she was to maintain her seven-year-old-self, she would have to build a
new relationship with him.

The teacher waved them in. Lily tried to pull Gavin to her front, but he
wouldn't budge from his hiding place behind her. “Hi, Miss Ashley. This
is my cousin, Gavin,” she said.

Miss Ashley beamed a great big smile. “Gavin, we've been expecting you.”

Gavin stared down at his feet. “I want Lily to stay with me,” he
mumbled.

“That's sweet of you, Gavin, but don't you think Lily wants to play with
her own friends?”

“Then I'm going with her,” Gavin insisted.

Lily could see Gavin's stubbornness was headed toward a meltdown, so she
pointed to the boy with the plane and whispered. “Gavin, look. That boy
has a Ninja Warriors shirt.”

“Kid Ninjas,” Gavin corrected.

“Do you think it's his favorite show too?” Lily whispered as she pulled
Gavin toward the boy. As they approached, the boy stopped making
whooshing sounds and held the plane close to his chest. “Which Kid Ninja
is your favorite?” Lily asked. “I bet it's the blue one.”

The boy was unimpressed. “You guessed that because of my shirt. I bet
you don't even know his name.”

“Jarreth,” said Gavin.

Lily smiled. “Gavin's favorite is the silver one.”

“Chobo,” said the boy. “He's a robot.”

“He's a bad guy, right?” Lily asked.

The boy rolled his eyes. “No, that's the green one.”

Gavin shook his head. “He's not bad all the time. He just works alone.”

“His name is Greeny, right?” Lily asked, but the boys ignored her.

“Do you want to play Kid Ninjas?” Gavin asked the boy. Soon they had
action figures in their hands and were making karate noises.

Miss Ashley learned toward Lily's ear and whispered. “You have a
motherly way with the little ones, don't you? I wish I could steal you
to be my helper.”

Lily smiled to herself as she skipped down the hallway toward her room.
She found Miss Anne alone in her room. The cheerful woman lowered her
phone when Lily walked in. “Good morning, Lily-squirrel. You're here
early. Did your dad have an important appointment?”

The question stopped Lily mid-skip, and her thoughts veered toward Dad
and the long night in the hospital. She felt her heart drop to the
floor, and a flood of hot tears poured down her face. Lily was sobbing
before she could say a word.

“Oh no! What happened?”

Between crying fits, Lily told Miss Anne everything. How Dad collapsed
at the garage sale, how scary the emergency room was, how he wouldn't be
allowed to come home for weeks, how she hadn't been able to keep him
eating or exercising. Miss Anne brushed her hair and listened, cooing
and whispering “poor thing” at the worst parts. When the story was
finished, Lily remained in Miss Anne's lap. After crying so hard, Lily
feared all the praise in the world couldn't make her feel twelve again.
She remembered her first day, when she too had cried at the thought of
Dad abandoning her. How strange it was that she ever believed that she
didn't belong in daycare. How strange that a little praise made her
forget the truth when her seven-year-old self emerged so easily and her
tears so quickly dissipated in the comfort of Miss Anne's lap. Dad had
been right to send her, more right than he might ever know. She wasn't
ready to go upstairs.

“Do you want me to pray with you?” Miss Anne asked.

When Dad had been more active and they did volunteer work together, he
privately criticized people who prayed for solutions rather than
initiating them. Lily didn't think he would want her to pray for him,
but she didn't want to interrupt Miss Anne's loving care. It couldn't
hurt, she decided.

Miss Anne took Lily's hands and closed her eyes. “Our Father, you are
the spring on which all life and being depend. We ask that you come to
Lily's father in his time of need and give him the sustenance and the
love that he requires to pass through this ordeal. May he and Lily know
your grace. In your name, amen.”

Lily whispered, “Amen.”

“If there is any way through all this, Lily, any hope of bouncing back,
you will find it. You are a strong, kind, creative girl, Lily.”

“And pretty?”

“And pretty,” Miss Anne laughed. Somehow the compliments didn't sound
like a crack in Lily's lie.

* * *

Over the next half-hour, the others arrived, and the girls were playing
Barbies together. Sophie had organized a fashion show, but Lily was
growing bored of the endless costume changes of the “rehearsal,” and she
feared Sophie would have them do it all again in front of a pretend
audience. So she whispered an idea to Betsaida, who nodded eagerly.

After a turn on the catwalk, Lily's doll went backstage and shrieked,
“Amelia has been murdered!”

Betsaida revealed her doll, which was lying on its side, its plastic
hands reaching for the head that Betsaida popped off.

Sophie scowled. “What are you talking about?”

“Somebody killed Amelia, and they're still here,” Lily emphasized with a
rasp. “We have to look for clues, or any one of us could be next.”

Sophie shook her head. “But the show must go on, we can solve the murder
later.”

Betsaida brought a plastic elephant behind the stage. “My name is
Detective Quincy Elephant. I'm here to solve this murder.”

“Detective Elephant, I confess!” squeaked Lily.

“Already? I mean, of course. I knew it was you all along.”

“I confess that I ate the last chocolate chip cookie that Amelia was
saving, but I didn't kill her.”

Lily watched Betsaida smile. Everything felt simple again. She didn't
need to worry, she didn't need to calculate, she just needed to act. And
if she could still make Betsaida laugh, everything would be alright.

Sophie stood up. “I'm telling Miss Anne you broke the doll.” As she took
a step, her foot crushed Lily's fingers.

“Ow! Get off!” Lily pushed Sophie's foot until her hand was free. Sophie
looked confused, but Lily didn't buy it. “You did that on purpose.”

“I didn't,” Sophie insisted.

Lily stared into the other girl's eyes. If she was truly seven, she
couldn't dismiss Sophie's come-and-go friendship any longer. Lily had to
take control. “Miss Anne! Sophie stomped on my hand. She broke my
fingers.”

“Stop lying,” Sophie said. “It wasn't that bad.”

“Let me see,” Miss Anne sighed. “Sophie, did you say you're sorry?”

“I'm sorry,” Sophie mumbled. “But they broke a Barbie.”

Miss Anne examined Lily's fingers and asked if she could move them one
by one. Though her hand hurt and was turning a furious red, Lily had to
admit nothing seemed broken. “I think you'll be alright, Lily,” Miss
Anne said. “But let's keep an eye out to watch for swelling.”

Miss Anne didn't seem interested in punishing Sophie. Lily's cheeks
burned, and she wondered if she should make herself cry to get her way.
But the moment had passed.

“Lily's going to cry!” Oscar sang.

“No, I'm not,” Lily insisted bluntly, and hid her face by turning to the
wall.

Behind her, Betsaida spoke quietly. “Miss Anne, I need to go to quiet
time.”

“Are you sure, Bet?” Miss Anne asked. “Alright, go ahead.”

Betsaida didn't say another word as she left the room. Lily turned and
stood gaping for a moment.

“She's alright. We have an agreement,” Miss Anne said. When Lily didn't
move, Miss Anne gave the girl a gentle push from behind. “Go play.”

Oscar and Jacob were crashing cars again, which seemed boring, so Lily
ended up sitting next to Sophie on the other side of the play area. The
two quietly made their Barbies try on new clothes and hair-do's without
really playing together. They only spoke to announce what they were
doing to their dolls, but neither really listening to the other. Lily
wondered why she'd been attracted to Miss Anne's room in the first
place. She remembered how much fun they had, how Betsaida had welcomed
her. Without her friend, Lily felt sadness clutch at her throat.

Sophie held up the doll whose head Betsaida had popped off. “I fixed
her,” she said. “I guess she wasn't really broke.”

When Lily didn't react, Sophie asked, “Do you want to put the Barbies
away and play a game? Maybe Connect Four?”

“Okay.”

Neither said much during the first, slow game, which Lily won. Lily was
half-distracted by inspecting her red hand during the rematch. She felt
a pain in her bladder, but like the previous day, she didn't hold back.
Soon the pain subsided, and Lily knew she had wet a little. But she knew
she would have if she had run for the restroom, she reasoned.

“I know that look,” Sophie taunted as she dropped the winning piece into
its slot. “It's the look of a loser!”

Lily sat still and silent. Had she really just lost to an actual
seven-year-old? I was distracted, she told herself.

“You're not going to cry are you?” Sophie asked. “We could play again.
Maybe you'll win.”

Before Lily could answer, Miss Anne asked everyone come to the table for
art. She tapped Lily on the shoulder. “Why don't you go potty first,
Lily.”

In the hallway, after checking that Miss Anne wasn't watching, Lily
turned away from the restrooms and skipped toward Miss Ashley's room.
Once she'd walked the hall in fear that someone would discover her
secret identity, but now she was only seven. She knew the punishment
she'd face, and it wasn't so bad. At Miss Ashley's door, she peered
through and waved at the teacher. Gavin was busy playing a board game
with two other boys when Miss Ashley met Lily at the door.

“Thank you again, Lily,” Miss Ashley whispered. “You must be a good
helper at home too. Your dad and Gavin's mom must be happy to have you
around.”

Lily smiled. “Sometimes.”

Miss Ashley laughed. “That's probably true.”

The way Miss Ashley humored her and leaned down to talk, the bright tone
of her whisper, Lily knew Miss Ashley was only seeing the seven in her.
On her return to Miss Anne's room, Lily stopped by Miss Brit's room,
where Betsaida was sitting on the stool with her back to the door. “Miss
Brit? Miss Anne says Bet can come back now.”

In the hall, Lily took her friend's hand. “Why did you ask for quiet
time?”

“Sophie made me mad. All I could think of was hitting her.”

“You should have. She deserved it.”

Betsaida frowned. “I can't.”

Inside Miss Anne's room, Sophie sat up straight like a prairie dog
warning its family. “Miss Anne, Betsaida's back!”

Miss Anne arched an eyebrow. “Lily, did I ask you to fetch Betsaida?”

“I thought it was time.”

Miss Anne laid a hand on Lily's arm. “You don't get to make that
decision, Lily. Next time wait for me.”

Miss Anne gave them no instructions, so everyone happily painted
whatever they wanted. Lily was painting a purple and pink striped cat
whom she decided needed dark green eyes. When she reached for the
perfect pre-mixed shade of pine green, Sophie snatched the paint first.

“I need that,” Lily said. “For my cat's eyes.”

Sophie squirted out the last of the paint. “That was the last drop.
Besides, cats have yellow eyes,”

Lily waited to see if any would be left, but Sophie kept painting pine
tree after pine tree. She even took a second piece of paper and filled
it with more trees until every drop of paint was used up.

Lily raised her hand. “Miss Anne, Sophie used up all the green.”

“I needed it for my trees.”

“Enough, Lily,” Miss Anne said. “You know how to mix green.”

Lily dipped her brush into random colors and smeared them across her
painting until the cat was unrecognizable. The rivalry touched Lily in
her bones. She no longer felt above it, and she feared that Sophie was
gaining power over her. If Lily left Sophie unchecked, she would learn
about Lily's pull-ups and turn into the bullies Lily knew from her last
sevenhood. But this time Lily had the power to stop it.

When art time was over, everyone queued to clean up. Sophie cut in front
of Lily and Betsaida.

“Thank you for saving my spot,” Sophie said to Oscar before Lily could
say anything.

Lily gritted her teeth until she and Betsaida had the sink to
themselves. She whispered to her twin, “We need to teach Sophie a
lesson.”

“What do you mean?”

“She thinks she can always get her way. We need to teach her she can't.”

Betsaida didn't meet Lily's eyes. “I don't know. She only cut in line.”

Lily scowled. “Bet, don't you see? Sophie never really apologizes. She's
mean to us one minute, then just drops it and expects us to act nice and
want to be friends again. She takes advantage of us.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don't know,” Lily admitted. She had hoped Betsaida would have an
idea. She glanced around the room and saw the paintings hanging to dry.
“We could rip her painting. Or draw on it or something.”

Betsaida frowned. “Just forget it, Lily.”

“If you were my true friend, you would help,” Lily snapped. The words
felt wrong as soon as she'd said them.

Betsaida looked hurt. “I just... I can't get in trouble again.”

“Fine. I'll do it myself. Can you wait here?”

While the others cleaned the table, Lily sneaked toward the drying line.
With her fingers, she smeared Sophie's wet painting until the shapes
were barely recognizable. The people and animals that populated Sophie's
forest were now blobs of pink and yellow swirling among the green and
brown background.

Lily felt light-headed and pleased. She glanced around to be sure no one
saw her, then ran back to Bet and washed the evidence from her fingers.
The cold water sent another spasm through her bladder, but she didn't
run.

“I'm sorry, Bet. I didn't mean what I said,” Lily whispered.

“Lily, Bet, you should be done washing by now,” Miss Anne said.

They joined the others at the table. The snack was slices of apples and
a small peanut-butter cup. Before they ate, Miss Anne led them through a
prayer for Lily's dad.

While they ate, Lily made Betsaida laugh by pretending an apple slice
was a mustache. She was relieved her friend hadn't taken her anger too
personally.

They were nearly done eating when Sophie cried out. “Miss Anne! Someone
ruined by painting!”

“Who did this?” Miss Anne scowled at the whole class.

“It was Lily or Betsaida,” Sophie insisted. “I know it.”

“We're not going outside until someone steps forward. We can have quiet
time inside instead if that's what we have to do. For everyone.”

Lily stared down at her feet. As little as she feared getting caught and
being banished upstairs anymore, she still didn't like to see Miss Anne
disappointed. She certainly didn't want Julia to learn she'd done
something so wrong.

“I did it, Miss Anne.” The voice was Betsaida's. Lily looked up in
shock. “I was still mad that she stepped on Lily's hand.”

“I'm very disappointed in you, Betsaida. We will have to call your
mother about this. Why don't you sit down while the rest of us go
outside. I'll be right back for you.”

On the way out, Miss Anne pulled Lily aside for the restroom while the
others joined Miss Tess's class.

“Oh no Lily, you're wet. Didn't you know?” Miss Anne asked.

Lily shook her head.

* * *

Betsaida threw her cards down instead of drawing another card. “This
game is stupid.”

“Don't say stupid,” Sophie chided. “And you're the one who wanted to
play this game.”

“You're not the boss,” Betsaida said. She had been in a foul mood since
she confessed to Lily's crime, though she didn't seem to hold it against
her friend.

“I didn't say I was the boss.” Sophie threw her hands up in frustration.
“What is with you?”

Lily laid a hand on her friend's arm, but Betsaida shrugged it off.
“You're always acting like you're better than us. Maybe it is a good
thing Lily ruined your painting.”

“What?”

Lily heart fell to the floor a second time. Betsaida threw her hand over
her mouth and stared at her twin. I'm sorry, her eyes seemed to say.

Sophie jumped up and waved her arms. “Miss Anne! It was Lily! Betsaida
said it was Lily who ruined my painting.”

Miss Anne stood over the table and leveled a neutral look at the two of
them. “Lily, is this true? Was it really you?”

Lily couldn't stop the slow trickle of tears that Miss Anne's stare
elicited, but Miss Anne wouldn't take them for an answer. When Sophie
started to speak, Miss Anne held up a finger keep the others silent
until Lily spoke.

“Yes,” Lily said at last.

“Corner, now. Sophie, Betsaida, clean up then go play elsewhere while I
talk to Lily.”

Lily sat on the time-out chair. She stared at her knees even after Miss
Anne pulled up a chair beside her.

“Lily, honestly, I know you're upset, but you can't take it out on
everyone else. This isn't like you at all. We do not touch other
people's art. I think you of all people should know that.” Miss Anne
paused. “Second, Betsaida is your best friend. She's counting on you to
be there for her. Friends don't let friends get in trouble for them. You
have to stand up and face your own punishments.”

Lily only nodded as the tears continued to fall.

“I'm not going to send you to Miss Britt's room. I'm not even going to
set the timer. I want you to sit here, and you think about what you've
done. You can get up when you can promise me that tomorrow you'll try to
bring back the sweet, helpful girl we all know and love.”

Though her throat tickled, Lily refused to let a sob escape. She was
afraid that she might be soon be known as the class cry-baby even if no
one teased her for her pull-ups. She wanted to blame the life of a
seven-year-old, but Betsaida never cried. Not when she was hurt, not
when she was punished, not even when Alcyone died.

When Julia arrived, Lily tried to get ready as quickly as possible so
Miss Anne wouldn't have time to tell her aunt about the incident, but
Betsaida made that plan difficult.

“Don't leave, Lily. Please. I don't want you to go.”

“I have to,” Lily said.

Betsaida was crying miserably into Miss Anne's arms as they left. Lily
thought it strange to be so wanted after what she had put her friend
through.

* * *

“But I just went.”

“Me too.”

“Lily, don't talk back. Just try going potty before we leave. Gavin, you
too.”

Lily obliged her aunt and found that she needed to pee despite not
feeling the pressure. It was becoming less surprising the more adults
told her when to go, and Lily wondered if the smallness of her bladder
wasn't her only issue.

After the three left the building, Aunt Julia spoke with a firm tone.
“I'm disappointed in you, Lily.”

“Sophie was being mean all morning-”

“Not about the painting. We'll get to that. I'm disappointed how you
treated your friend. Your best friend, right? You need to hold on to
that one. You're starting a new school this fall, and you'll want a
friend like that.”

“Could I spend the night at Bet's house soon?” Lily asked to change the
subject.

“I don't see why not if her parents agree.”

“They have a pool,” Lily added.

“Cool,” said Gavin.

It turned out Julia's insistence on a potty stop was because she
intended to take the two grocery shopping with her. Lily tried to help
at first, but Julia insisted on selecting the items herself.

“Rice,” Julia read from her list.

“Over here,” Lily would say. She sprinted to the rice and hefted the
oversized burlap sack marked with exotic symbols. It seemed exactly the
sort of weird thing that Lily imagined Julia used to craft her dinners.

“That's basmati. We need arborio. Please don't touch anything.”

“I was just helping.”

“Please just let me do it.”

Lily might scan the shelves, but Julia would have found the package she
needed already. “Keep up, please,” she say.

Gavin was not enjoying the experience either. “Are we almost done?” he
whined.

“Gavin, I've asked you to stop saying that.”

Lily decided to practice being the big sister and help distract him.
“Careful,” she whispered. “You're falling off the bridge.”

Gavin looked down at the dark and light patterned tiles. Lily was
balancing on a thin strip of dark tiles, and Gavin leaped to the other
side.

“Alright, frozen veggies,” Julia said as she turned the cart down the
freezer aisle.

The dark tiles formed an archipelago of diamond islands and looping
coral reefs. Lily and Gavin jumped down the aisle with giant strides.

“Watch out for sharks,” Lily called.

“Stop that, both of you,” Julia snapped. “You should know better. Lily.
Act like a big seven year old, please. What would your daddy think?”

“I was just helping...” Lily felt the hot tears sting her eyes. Gavin
hadn't stopped hopping when his mother scolded him, but he did when Lily
whimpered. A few strangers paused and turned their heads as well.

Julia dropped bags of frozen vegetables into the cart then reached down
to pull Lily into a quick hug. “I'm sorry if I snapped,” Julia said.
“But I need you to calm down.”

“I can't,” Lily sobbed.

A passing stranger gave Julia a sympathetic smile. “Someone's had a long
day.”

* * *

Julia stood over Lily's opened suitcase, where the knot of ill-packed
clothes had yet to be fully untangled. “Alright, Lily-flower, I want you
to sort these clothes and hang what you can in the closet so we can get
the wrinkles out. You can use that dresser for socks and anything else.
Understood?”

Without a word, Lily stepped toward the closet and reached up toward the
bar. She could touch the hangers, but it would be difficult to hang them
again. She bounced on her toes with her arm upraised while looking at
Julia.

“Here, use this,” Julia said before moving a chair toward the closet.
“Just be careful. I'm going to go get dinner started. Bob should be home
soon.”

Lily hung a few of her dresses before taking a load of socks toward the
dresser. She had left a few of Selene's old ponies on top, and she
carried those back to the bed. She tried to balance them on the top of
the suitcase, as if they were watching her.

Selene passed Lily's door walking to and from her own bedroom, and Lily
paused in her play each time. But the teen didn't say anything.

“Are you done, Lily?” Julia asked as she entered.

“Almost,” Lily squeaked and grabbed another armful of clothes.

“Lily, you've barely started. Why are these ponies out? If I give you a
chore, I expect you to finish it before you play.”

The disappointment stung harder than she anticipated, and Lily closed
her stinging eyes.

“Oh please don't cry. Here, we'll do it together. Climb on that chair
and I'll pass them to you.”

When they were finished, Julia took Lily to the bathroom and checked her
pull-up before asking her to sit. Lily was only a little damp, but Julia
made her change anyway. “Did you know?” Julia asked as always, and again
Lily shook her head.

Afterwards, Lily carried two ponies and found Gavin in his bedroom.
She'd decided to practice seeing him as a peer, even if he was into boy
games. “Can I play with you?” she asked.

“Oh good, horses.”

Lily didn't correct him.

“Let's play space cowboys.” Gavin flung open a drawer full of action
figures. He took a kind of robot cowboy Lily had never seen before, then
let her pick her own figure. Lily chose an owl-like alien with rainbow
feathers. Gavin orchestrated a bank robbery and a train heist for them
to interrupt, but the bad guys always seemed to break free again.

While they were feeding their horses at Lily's suggestion, Bob came home
and called them downstairs. “Gavin, can you show Lily how we set the
table?”

“I'm not Gavin,” Gavin called back.

“Sorry,” Bob called, then switched to a monotone voice. “Unit Gavinbot,
new directive: set table. Bring Lilybot.”

“Affirmative!”

Gavin seemed to appreciate being in charge, and he guided Lily through
every step of finding plates and napkins while making non-stop robot
sounds. When they came to the silverware, he held a spoon out and made a
lightsaber sound. Lily grabbed a second spoon and did the same. They had
only clanked the spoons together twice before Julia intervened and
oversaw the rest of their work.

She sent Gavin to wash up downstairs and led Lily upstairs. Every step
felt giant as resentment weight Lily's feet down. Hadn't she just used
the bathroom? Why did Julia have to come?

“Wow! All dry!” Julia remarked when she checked Lily's pull-up. “Your
daddy would be so proud.”

Lily couldn't help but smile. Her aunt's pride was that contagious, and
the moment felt like a true achievement though Lily had done nothing to
earn it. But Lily felt hurt too by how much surprise showed in Julia's
voice.

  Chapter 16

Miss Britt threw her hands into the air. “Lily! That's twice this week
already.”

“Everyone was...”

“Zip it!” Miss Britt's voice tore through Lily's plea and shook the girl
like a dog shredding a stuffed animal. “I don't care what anyone else
did. You need to listen to Miss Anne, and you need to follow her rules
at all times. Now sit, and don't let me hear a peep out of you.”

Lily slumped onto the stool and glared at the corner. Everyone else had
kicked the ball before her, but only Lily was paying for the bad luck
that sent the ball flying into Miss Anne's face. It was unfair, but no
adult would discuss it. If they weren't allowed to play with the ball,
Lily couldn't see why it was even in the room. It's really Miss Anne's
fault, Lily decided. She should be in time out, not me.

Miss Britt busied herself at the counter as she commented aloud. “What
happened to that smart and helpful girl that Miss Anne used to tell me
about? I hope you can find her again, Lily, because this new girl isn't
doing you any favors.”

Grown-ups kept asking that question. Everything Lily did that week was
too loud, too late, too fast, or just plain wrong, but she was just
trying to enjoy being seven. Like the ball, some of the scolding caught
her by surprise, and a part of her feared she really had broken her
brain by pretending so long.

Jacob nervously knocked on Miss Britt's door. “Miss Anne says we're
going outside. I mean, um, Lily can come too. She said that.”

Lily knew better than to jump up immediately, and she looked to Miss
Britt for confirmation.

“Go on. And remember to listen.”

* * *

Idly spinning the steering wheel that was randomly affixed to the top of
the play fort, Lily was quickly running out of suggestions. “Do you want
to play Star Maidens? Draw with chalk?”

“Not really.” Betsaida had dismissed every idea even as their recess
time drew closer to an end.

Lily groaned. “Well what do you want to do?”

Betsaida shrugged. Lily was used to her friend's many moods, but never
had she seen Betsaida so sluggish and indecisive. During her alone-time
with Miss Anne before the others arrived, Lily had drawn a thank you
card. “To my best friend,” said the pink balloon letters above Detective
Quincy Elephant as he hugged a nonplussed squirrel. Lily was certain her
friend would bounce and twirl with glee when the card was presented, but
it had only earned Lily a long hug. During playtime, Betsaida's creative
imagination seemed to dry up. Whenever Lily did something silly,
Betsaida responded by hugging her friend again, as if Lily's humor were
merely comforting.

Betsaida's whisper was almost lost in the wind. “I need your help. Lily,
I need your help being good.”

Lily knew she should say yes, but with Miss Britt's commentary still
looping in her mind, Lily didn't feel confident that she could
follow-through. Betsaida's odd request did fit the new pattern: her
voluntary time-outs, her refusal to seek revenge on Sophie, Miss Anne's
very serious call home. Betsaida was trying as hard as she could while
Lily was constantly failing. What could have erased her friend's wild
moods so completely? The answer came into focus when Lily remembered
what Betsaida's mother had said in their kitchen weeks ago: She's been
through more than a few daycares now.

Lily brushed her long hair out of her face. “Are they kicking you out?”

“Not yet.”

“What happened?”

“I got in too many fights while you weren't here. My mom came in and
everything.” Betsaida took her friend's hand. “Lily, it's so much easier
to be good when you're here. Miss Anne even says so.”

Lily had no idea. Everyone had commented on how good she was for
Betsaida, but no one told her things were that bad after she went home.
“If they kick you out, do you still get to go to the academy?”

“My mom says no. But Lily, I want to stay with you.” Betsaida's lip
trembled. “No matter what happens, will you be my friend?”

“Always and always and always. I promise.”

It wasn't a lie. Lily meant every word, but she didn't know what would
happen when school started. Betsaida would start second grade at
Broadmoor Academy. And I'll do what?, she wondered. She would take the
lie as far as she could until Dad was out of the hospital, and maybe by
then she would have a plan. Dad would learn that she was struggling even
to please the people who believed the lie. She wouldn't fare well in
middle school at this rate, would she? Maybe she could convince Dad that
she needed a chance to start over. Though she loved to read, Lily had
never received the best grades. Dad wanted her to have a better life,
and this might be her only chance.

Lily stared west where between the brick buildings of downtown
Wenahachee she could see distant hills covered in pines. Her old home
was out there, over the hills and by the sea. For so long it represented
her happiness, being herself again. Yet here at Broadmoor she had been
her least-calculated, her rawest and most honest self. And if she could
make a difference...

“Let's play Star Maidens,” Betsaida said finally, interrupting Lily's
thoughts.

“You can be Princess Andromeda, if you want,” Lily offered with the hope
of cheering her friend.

“No, you can have a turn.”

* * *

Lily returned from her restroom trip damp, but she'd spent too much time
checking on Gavin's class to change too. She enjoyed never needing to
rush to the toilet anymore, but she sometimes regretted the decision
when a wet pull-up started to irritate her skin. She felt the claws of
guilt - if she had broken her brain, certainly her bathroom habits were
part of the problem - but her pull-ups were an important part of the
lie. She couldn't give them up without bringing attention to the whole
plan.

Back in the classroom, she found Betsaida and Talia playing with the
kitchen toys quietly, but Sophie was sitting in the time-out corner.

“What happened?” Lily asked.

“Nothing.” Betsaida didn't look up.

Lily rolled her eyes. Amateur. “She's in time out. She must have done
something.”

All across Talia's face, fear battled the opportunity to gossip. “Sophie
said something mean,” she whispered eagerly. “And Miss Anne got really
mad, but then she got all quiet and we couldn't hear anything.”

Lily scanned the room again, but nobody looked hurt or upset. “Mean
about who? Did she say a bad word?”

Talia opened her mouth, but Betsaida poked her in the ribs a little too
aggressively. “That hurt,” whined Talia.

Lily smiled sweetly. “Talia, if we have cheese crackers for snack, you
can have mine. If you tell me.”

Talia chewed her lip. “What if we have cookies?”

“Sure. Same deal.” It was an easy trade, Lily knew. They'd never once
had cookies for morning snack.

“Sophie said you smell like pee.” Talia clasped her hands over her mouth
as soon as the words left. She glanced at Miss Anne, afraid she'd been
too loud.

Betsaida hissed at Talia. “I said don't tell her.”

Lily glanced back at Sophie as her thoughts collided into one another.
The insult wasn't an accident. Sophie must know. Can everyone really
smell it? Surely Betsaida or Miss Anne or Julia or someone would have
told her, and besides, it took Dad forever to figure out. But Miss Anne
always seemed to know when she was wet. Did some people just have better
noses?

Lily squeezed the plastic eggplant in her hand and sucked air through
her teeth. “I'm going to... I'm going to...”

Talia scooted closer to Lily and brushed her hand. “Please don't cry.
You smell nice. She's just being mean.”

Betsaida had balled up her fists, but her voice didn't rise above a
whisper. “Lily, you promised.”

“I know, but...” This was between her and Sophie, Lily reasoned.
Betsaida didn't need to enter into it. But Betsaida stuck her lower lip
out, and Lily sighed. “Okay.”

“Girls, is something wrong over here?” Miss Anne dropped a runaway
plastic apple into a toy pot.

“Nothing,” they murmured.

“Alright. I just get worried when you're too quiet. Everyone has been so
high strung this week.”

“Will it be snack time soon?” Talia asked.

“It is running late today, isn't it? No wonder you're playing kitchen.
I'll call down.”

They didn't wait much longer before the snack cart appeared at the door.
Everyone rushed for a place at the table. Talia frowned over the snack
of canned pears, which must have paled in comparison to the cookies she
had imagined. Though she ate her own, she didn't demand Lily share.
Sophie, however, primly announced that she didn't like pears and that
she wasn't very hungry anyway. Only after dramatizing her decision with
a finger on her chin did she bestow her paper bowl upon Lily. Though she
happily ate the second pear, Lily wondered if Sophie suspected the
others had told on her.

After everyone washed up, Miss Anne asked them to sit for story-time.
The book was about a zebra born with purple stripes and who was teased
by the other zebras. By the end of the book, the purple zebra had saved
the herd by outsmarting a family of lions, and all the other savanna
animals were painting themselves every color in the rainbow. Lily had
guessed the ending by the third page, but she still didn't want to
abandon the story in the middle when her bladder awoke. She squeezed
where she sat and let her pull-up do its job with the trickle that
escaped.

Miss Anne closed the book. “Do any of you know someone like the purple
zebra?”

Oscar raised his hand. “My sister likes purple.”

“I was thinking more about how the zebra seemed very different from the
others at first.”

“He was different,” Jacob said. “He was purple.”

Talia raised her hand. “My brother has autism.”

Some of the others laughed, as if Talia didn't understand, but Miss Anne
smiled. “Can you tell us a little bit about him, Talia? I don't think
everybody knows what that means.”

“My dad says autism means his brain is different. Like, he didn't learn
to talk until he was three. He would repeat stuff that you said, and it
was really funny but annoying sometimes. But he didn't really talk, like
tell you stuff or ask for stuff. And his favorite when he was a baby was
lining his toys up in rows, so that's different. Um, that's what autism
means.”

“Thank you, Talia. Your brother is in Miss Ashley's class, right?”

Talia nodded.

“Is there anyone else in our lives who's a little different in some
ways?”

“Lily's different,” Betsaida said.

Lily's cheeks grew warm. She feared where Betsaida's answer would head,
and a realization blossomed: had Miss Anne chosen the book because of
her? Was this about Sophie's outburst? Lily tugged at the hem of her
shirt and chided herself for not seeing the obvious. In her purple
pull-up, she was the outcast zebra of the room.

Miss Anne tilted her head. “What do you mean, Bet?”

“Well, she isn't my real twin, because then we'd have the same mom and
dad. But nobody else looks like me. Except Lily does. That's why she's
different.”

Lily sighed in relief.

“Hm, that's an interesting take on the question. I'm thinking more about
the things that make one person stand out, but when you get to know
them, you find they aren't that different from you or me. Like someone
in a wheelchair, someone who can't hear or speak, someone with a rare
disease...” Miss Anne seemed to have more to say, but only a sigh
escaped. The shuffling and whispering proved she'd lost the attention of
the room. “Alright squirrels, that's enough for today. Go play.”

A few minutes later, Oscar and Jacob's excitement about building the
biggest racetrack had infected the whole room. Even Miss Anne gave them
suggestions as the whole class built a racetrack that stretched across
the room using every piece of track, block, and book that they could
cobble together. They had just finished when Aunt Julia arrived.
Everyone told Lily to take the first turn except Betsaida, who was near
tears. She demanded Lily stay, and this time she threw a car to the
ground and stomped to emphasize the point.

Before Miss Anne could intervene, Lily gave her friend a hug, and in
that hug she realized she was more than merely comforting. Betsaida had
been angry at Lily's leaving, had sought Lily's touch all day, because
Lily was the dam holding back the floodwaters. Lily squeezed her friend
as if she could transfer her thoughts that way.

“I'll be back tomorrow,” Lily whispered. “You can make it one more day.”

“I'll try,” Betsaida said.

* * *

“Do we have enough blocks for another house?” Lily asked.

Gavin gathered the stray blocks from across the floor of Lily's room.
“No, but we could make a park.”

“Good idea. Then we can take all the kids there to play.”

When Lily had first suggested Gavin help her build houses for her Koala
Town animals the day before, she hadn't expected him to want to play
with the girlish dolls too. Not with a room full of his own tanks and
planes waiting down the hall. But Gavin seemed to enjoy having a
playmate more than he cared about what they played.

When the park was complete, they bounced little crocodiles and raccoons
on the teeter-totter until Gavin stopped playing to whisper. “Did you
hear something? I think there's someone on the stairs.”

Though Lily hadn't heard anything, Gavin crawled toward the door and
poked his head out into the hallway. His quick motions revealed a
genuine agitation.

“Is it Selene? Or is your mom back?” Lily followed, curious.

“I bet it's the Buggagubba.”

“Who?”

“He hides in the corners and jumps out to snatch you up. When you hear
him, you have to be very quiet. He can smell sounds.”

“Smell sounds?”

“Shhh!”

Lily found Gavin's fear cute. “Does he have a big nose?”

Gavin nodded.

“And no eyes?”

Gavin nodded again.

“I think I've seen him too,” Lily whispered. “Do you want to know how to
make him disappear? Buggagubba hear me say, Buggagubba go away.”

Gavin chanted the rhyme with her until they were laughingly mixing up
the words, and soon they went back to playing.

As Lily crawled around the town with Ricky Raccoon in hand, her pull-up
drooped between her thighs. She hadn't had a full accident, just little
gasps from a struggling bladder, but she had been busy playing long
enough that the padding felt full and heavy. When she sat back with her
knees together and her legs spread in a W, she felt her bottom squish.
Lily knew she should go change before she leaked, but it didn't feel
urgent that moment.

When Lily noticed Julia standing at the door, she felt a blush scorch
her face. She hadn't even heard her aunt return from the store.

“I have a snack waiting for you kids downstairs. Gavin, you go on ahead.
I need to talk to Lily first.” Though Julia leaned over to whisper the
next part in Gavin's ear, she spoke loud enough for Lily to hear as
well. “I baked cookies.”

Gavin knocked over a house of blocks as he ran for the stairs.

Julia dropped two plastic shopping bags onto the bed, which was still
stripped bare from the previous night's leak. “Have you gone potty
recently, Lily?”

Lily shook her head but refused to meet Julia's eyes. Gavin cheered on
his way downstairs as if to emphasize that he hadn't used the bathroom
either but didn't suffer the same consequence for it. There was no
deception to Lily's shame; she had simply been too preoccupied playing
with her toys to stop and use the bathroom. She wanted to impress Julia,
to earn more praise, but she had been dry after lunch and there was
nowhere to hide.

“I know what that look means,” Julia said, but her tone was surprisingly
sweet. “I'll help you change in a minute, but first I bought you
something at the store.”

Lily clutched Ricky Raccoon to her chest and watched as Julia discarded
the first shopping bag to reveal a new bag of pull-ups. Instead of the
familiar girl in pajamas, several Disney princesses posed on the pink
package. Looks and feels like real underwear, the package explained.

“Princess panties!” Julia exclaimed. “Let's try one on?”

Julia helped Lily step out of the soggy pull-up. Julia opened a box of
sweet-smelling wipes and surprised Lily by cleaning the girl herself.
Though Lily was embarrassed, her aunt's touch was gentle and calming.

“I saw you were running low,” Julia said. “I thought I'd get you
something special.”

Julia held open a pair of the pink pull-ups, which looked a lot like the
one Lily had borrowed in the emergency room. The Little Mermaid swam
through pink and yellow swirls on its front. Lily stepped into the dry
training pants, and Julia tugged them up. They fit more like real
underwear, sitting lower on the waist, but felt as soft and padded as
her old pull-ups.

“Do you like them? They look pretty.”

Lily smiled. “Thank you.”

Julia began stacking the new pull-ups in Lily's dresser. “Let's see if
we can keep Ariel dry until dinner, alright?”

Lily giggled.

“This isn't funny, Lily.”

“I know. But she's a mermaid,” Lily explained. “She's always wet.”

Julia still didn't smile. “I want to help you be better about using the
bathroom, but you have to try, Lily. You are a little too old for
accidents like this, don't you think?”

Lily stared down at her feet.

When she finished with the dresser, Julia opened another, smaller
package and held up a small pink object with a digital display. “Once I
figure out how to work this little guy, we're going to set it to go off
every hour. When it beeps or buzzes or whatever it does, that's your
reminder to go potty. Even if you don't feel like you have to. Have you
used one of these before?”

“My dad bought me one a long time ago,” Lily said. In Lily's memory, she
had outgrown the old timer, but now she wondered whether Dad had simply
been too inconsistent at reminding her to use it. “But we lost it,” Lily
added.

“Let's try not to lose this one. Now, how about those cookies?”

* * *

Coming through the cell phone, Dad's voice sounded small, and gave Lily
little reassurance. “I hope your aunt and uncle are treating you well.
Are you getting along with Selene?”

“Yeah,” Lily said quietly.

“That's good. Julia doesn't have too many rules?”

“Not too many.”

The weight of the conversation they should be having seemed to roll over
the line, compressing it until sound was impossible. Both waited in
silence until Lily sniffled.

“I want you to come home.”

“I'll be there as soon as they let me, princess.”

“I need you,” Lily blurted. The questions that plagued her couldn't be
answered by this tiny voice in a phone, as much as it sounded like her
father's. Lily felt small and afraid, and all she wanted was to curl on
her daddy's lap and hear him say he'd take care of everything.

Silence fell again. Lily could hear Dad shifting in his bed on the other
end. On her end, she squeezed her thighs together as her bladder
complained. The sensation went away quickly.

“I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to do this to you. At least Bob and
Julia can take proper care of you. But you're probably better off with
them. Your life is mixed up, and it's all my fault.”

“No, it's not,” Lily said, but the phone beeped before she could say
more. “Hello? Daddy? Are you still there?”

“I'm here, princess.”

“The phone beeped at me.”

“Julia probably has another call coming in. We might have to get off the
line soon.”

Lily turned away from the stairs where she could hear Julia and Selene
moving around above her. “I want to talk to you more.”

“Okay, princess. We can do that,” Dad said, but for a minute the speaker
only buzzed softly. Finally, Dad broke the silence. “You're a smart
girl, Lily. You'll figure everything out. You're going to do just fine
without me.”

“What do you mean? I don't want to be without you.”

“The nurse is here, pumpkin. I have to go. I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Be good.”

“I will.”

When the call ended, Lily could see that Julia had a new voicemail
message waiting. The caller ID read Anne - Broadmoor. Lily glanced up
the stairs, and seeing no one, she pressed play

“Hi Julia, this is Anne Parry from Broadmoor Presbyterian,” said the
unmistakably cheerful voice. ”We didn't get a chance to talk today. I
wanted you to know that Lily did have a time-out again this morning, but
she seemed in much better spirits overall. On that other matter, I
checked the file like you asked, and the only thing her father wrote was
'frequent accidents.' That's all. It's not... Well, I hate to say it,
but the lack of detail isn't unusual for the kids with a father as the
primary caregiver. Anyway, have a pleasant evening, and we'll see you
tomorrow. God bless.”

The message finished, and Lily stared at the screen as the red alert
faded to gray. When did Dad write Miss Anne a note to say she had
frequent accidents? She never saw him deliver one, nor did he send one
with her. He must have written it on her initial application. A part of
Lily was furious that he'd call her daytime accidents from that time
frequent, but that life and that fury were distant memories. Still, she
was curious what else her file said. She remembered watching Miss Anne
place the fake note in a folder high out of reach. Was that the file
Miss Anne mentioned? Somehow Lily would have to read it.

Hearing footsteps on the stairs, Lily quickly found the option to mark
the message as unplayed. She ducked into the dining room as Julia and
Selene's voices became audible.

Julia's tone was serious. “Do we need to take away volleyball? If you
can't handle the responsibility, how can we trust you to play and get
good grades?”

“Because I did it all last season? Mom, I got straight A's,” Selene
said.

“You're a year older now, and you need to step it up. I want to see you
taking more responsibility around the house.”

“But I don't even understand what you want.”

“I just wish you'd take a more active role, that's all,” Julia said.
“Even when her father's out, he won't be independent. I'm not trying to
rush anything, but you two might have to start thinking of each other as
sisters.”

Lily suspected they were talking about her and her father. She wondered
if Julia had a message from Dad that he hadn't told her. While both of
their backs were turned, Lily carried the phone up to Julia. “You have a
message.”

“Oh, Lily. I didn't see you there. Did you catch who the message was
from?”

Lily shook her head.

Julia knelt down and pulled Lily into a tight hug. “Oh sweetie, have you
been crying? I'm so sorry. I should have stayed with you while you
talked to your daddy.”

Over her aunt's shoulder, Lily could see Selene. Arms crossed, the teen
glanced at her cousin from the side of her eye, but she quickly turning
away when her eyes met Lily's. Despite the stillness of the air
conditioning, the room seemed to quietly boil until at last the little
pink timer beeped.

“Oops! Potty time. Let's go wash your face too, alright?”

Lily let her aunt pull her towards the bathroom, already knowing what
she'd find.

* * *

The houses of the Bauer's neighborhood were set back from the winding
road and hidden behind massive trees. Though it wasn't yet night, dark
leaves blocked most of the sky, and Lily felt like she was passing
through separate, nighttime world. Dust floated through the few patches
of orange sunset that made it to the carpet of leaves. The cars that
passed lit the way with yellow embers that seemed foreign among the deep
blue-green shadows. Everyone was rushing home for dinner, passing
through the magical forest as if it were just another day.

Selene had been talking nonstop. After being closed off for days, she
seemed to unload every detail from the week onto Lily, who had little to
add herself. When Selene asked about that cute boy at daycare, Lily was
confused, but Selene jumped straight into how her best friend had seen
Selene's own crush at a local skate park. Lily floated through her own
mind aimlessly, only half-hearing her cousin's words. When Selene
suddenly stood still, Lily and Humphrey continued a few paces before
noticing.

Selene motioned them to turn back and grew quiet for a block. “Look,
Lily. I'm just gonna ask. Is my mom threatening you?”

“What?”

“I know what she's like. She's manipulative. She lies and changes the
rules. She does everything to get her way. I mean, Lily, you're what?
Eleven, right?”

Lily titled her head up at her cousin. “I'm seven,” she stated.

“Is that...” Selene hesitated just enough to reveal her doubt. She even
tripped over the dog. “The point is... well, why is she buying you
diapers?”

“They're not diapers.”

Selene's hands fluttered. “What about the timer? I mean, I know you have
problems, but if she's making you do anything you don't want to, if she
takes it too far, just tell me. Okay? Promise you'll tell me. I don't
know what I can do, but...” Selene trailed off. “I just know what she's
like.”

Lily considered how kind Julia had been, despite her failures. Nothing
Julia had done felt like manipulation. Julia couldn't lie to me, Lily
thought. I'd know. Yet Lily remembered Julia's hug in the living room
and how Selene hadn't been able to watch. Did Julia ever hug her like
that? Was Selene jealous somehow? She seemed to shun her mother's
attention, but Lily wondered if they had ever been that close. She
looked up at Selene, how again had her arms crossed in stony silence.

  Chapter 17

Lily was too bored to play with Gavin after dinner, so to pass the time,
she browsed the Bauers' living room library. She imagined the tall
bookcases would be filled with Bob's lawyer books like the offices of
judges on TV, but she didn't find even one among the slim, colorful
books on childcare or the heavy books on space and science. Lily would
read just about anything - cereal boxes, receipts, mass-mailing
postcards - but the section filled fantastic covers of knights
surrounded by fire and and woodsmen stalking in moonlight promised an
end to her boredom. She studied the back copy of several in search of
princesses or fairies. While she browsed, Lily spun the pink timer in
the palm of her hand until it's piercing cry interrupted her. Before
running to the bathroom, she grabbed a book that looked familiar.

After a potty stop, Lily returned to her bedroom where the bed was still
stripped down to the plastic cover. Her pillows lay in a semblance of a
nest on the floor, and she pushed them closer together behind the far
side of the bed, near the window where the amber light of early evening
poured into the room. The book, it turned out, didn't have any fairies,
but it did have little people and a wizard. Lily remembered the
illustrations inside from one of Dad's books, though she had never
properly read it. She became so absorbed by the story that she didn't
hear her aunt enter.

“Lily? There you are. Look what I found: butterfly blankets! Your
favorite!” Julia said.

Lily snapped the book shut and slid it under the dresser, not even
pausing to mark her place. She was suddenly aware that she hadn't asked
whether kids were allowed to read the Bob and Julia's books. her aunt
said nothing as she carried an armful of bedsheets over to the bed, and
Lily guessed she was in the clear. The printed butterflies of the sheets
were drawn like they were stitched together from scraps of clothes and
spare buttons. It was a kind thought, Lily noted. Butterflies weren't
really her favorite anything, but Julia had at least listened.

“Can I help?” Lily asked.

“Thank you, dear. Could you handle the pillow covers?”

Lily stuffed the pillows into the cases, taking care to align the seams.
She finished while Julia was still tucking in the corners of the bed.

“Why don't you put away your toys?” Julia suggested.

Lily had no shelves for her toys, so each night they returned to the
boxes that Bob had brought her. Knowing that they would end up on her
floor again, she didn't bother to sort any of them except for her Koala
Town figures, whom she carefully arranged by family atop her dresser.
She already felt a sense of belonging over Selene's old toys, but the
tiny animals were truly hers. She felt that earned them a special
position.

Julia had finished with the sheets, and after a glance at the little
pink timer, she sat on the edge of the bed. “What are you reading?” she
asked.

Lily continued straightening her Koala Town figures while she considered
lying. The book probably wasn't appropriate for her new age, but Julia
had almost certainly seen the cover or she wouldn't have asked. “The
Hobbit,” Lily answered truthfully.

“Would you read me a bit?”

“Do you want me to start the beginning?”

“Anywhere's good.”

Unsure whether she should fake a lower reading ability as an act or even
which words might trouble a seven-year-old, Lily was nervous enough that
she stumbled anyway. She didn't let herself look at her aunt until the
timer beeped three pages later.

Julia clicked the timer off and interrupted Lily mid-sentence. “Put the
book down, dear. Time to go potty.” Almost as an afterthought, she
added, “You read very well.”

Julia followed her into the bathroom and unashamedly watched while Lily
peed. When Lily stood, Julia nonchalantly checked the state of the
pull-up.

“Only a little wet,” Julia said cheerfully.

Lily scowled. After her soaked pull-up that afternoon, she had tried
very hard to make it to the bathroom on time. “It's not wet,” she
insisted.

“You are, sweetie, but it's not that bad. Good job.”

“But I didn't have an accident.”

“Well somebody did,” Julia said with a smile.

Unsatisfied, Lily checked for herself, but to her surprise the inside of
the pull-up was clearly discolored. Though it was only a spot, as Julia
had said, it troubled Lily that she hadn't even felt the need to pee.
Her new routine had proven that was an issue. Between Miss Anne and
Julia and the timer, Lily was used to being told when to sit on a toilet
and peeing without ever knowing she needed to. The thought troubled her,
but Lily couldn't say why.

“Honestly, it's not a big deal, you,” Julia said. “Pull up your panties
and get those teeth brushed. It's almost bedtime anyway.”

Lily brushed her teeth as asked then returned to her room to change.

Julia followed her every step. “The timer must be helping,” she said.

Lily bristled at the idea that the timer should receive the credit, but
she couldn't admit to Julia that some of her accidents could have been
prevented. It would lead Julia one step closer to seeing through the
bigger lie.

“Let's toss that old pull-up in the bin and pick out some PJs.”

Lily did as she was asked while Julia threw a towel across the bed. When
Lily reached for new pull-up, Julia closed the dresser drawer and
instead picked the girl up by the armpits to sit her down on the towel.
Lily was less shocked by her aunt's strength than how childish and small
the gesture made her feel. Dad hadn't been able to lift her up in years,
and the brief sensation of being in a grown-up's hands brought back
buried feelings.

Julia brushed Lily's hair out of her eyes. “Wait right there, sweetie.”

Feeling as if the floor were miles away from her dangling feet, Lily was
afraid to move. She was only half-aware as Julia uncovered another
shopping bag, one she must have hidden in the room earlier.

“I need you to understand that what I'm about to do isn't a punishment.
But we can't have wet sheets every morning, can we? Those pull-ups
aren't quite doing the job.”

Lily caught a glimpse of the laughing baby on the pastel package. “No,
but...” she stumbled, searching for a lie or even a truth that might
save her. “I like them.”

“You don't like waking up to wet sheets, do you?” Julia asked.

“No, but...” Unable to form words, Lily's instincts screamed to escape.
She rolled for the edge of the bed, but Julia caught her and firmly
pushed her back onto the towel.

“Just let me finish,” Julia said with a sigh.

Lily's eyes stung. “I promise I'll be good!”

“It's not about being good. It's about keeping the bed dry.”

Julia's eyes betrayed her empathy, but Lily knew tears alone wouldn't
sway her. Lily felt encouraged to try again, but she could barely think.

“I could wear two pull-ups!” she blurted, but she was already
embarrassed by the weak idea.

Without acknowledging the comment, Julia gathered Lily's nightshirt at
the waist. Lily pulled her pajamas back down, but Julia slapped her
hand. At the shock of the rough gesture, Lily threw her arm across her
eyes to hide. If she couldn't stop what was happening, then she refused
to see it. Yet sightless she could still feel Julia lift her legs and
slide a diaper under her.

“It's just for nighttime,” Julia said softly as she rubbed a cream into
Lily's skin. “The leaks aren't good for you or the bed. And it makes
extra work the rest of us. We'll keep trying during the day, but no one
expects you to stay dry at night.”

The accusation stung, but Julia was right. Lily counted her every dry
morning proudly, but Dad never shared her enthusiasm. His weak
encouragement betrayed only acceptance. Even he never expected her to
stay perfectly dry. Not at night, not ever.

“Besides,” Julia continued. “It's not a thing you can work on really.
Just something you'll grow out of in time. But those pull-ups aren't up
to it, and we can't keep washing the sheets every day. Hopefully this
will keep the bed dry until your body's ready.”

Lily shook her head, fighting to maintain the illusion of being
somewhere else, but Julia's words kept needling her thoughts. When would
she grow out of it? Lily doubted anyone her age - no, her size even -
shared her problem. The girl on the pull-ups package looked older than
she did, but Lily had never considered how much comfort that provided
before Julia took it away from her. Had she belonged with the laughing
toddler - the baby - on the diaper package the whole time? Is that what
the timer had been telling her?

“There, all done.”

When Lily didn't move, Julia sat next to her and pulled her niece onto
her lap. “Don't cry,” Julia whispered as she rocked gently.

The change was over, and Lily's whirlwind of emotions settled with the
help of Julia's gentle touch. Soothed, spent, and safe, Lily curled up
in her aunt's arms, and she was nearly asleep by the time Julia sat her
back on the bed.

Julia stood up and straightened the diaper supplies inside the dresser's
top drawer. “It's not quite bedtime. So you can read more of your book
if you want. Do be careful please. It's one of Bob's favorites. I'll let
you know when it's lights-out.”

Lily crawled under her covers, refusing to look beneath her pajamas.
Unable to focus on the book any longer, she lay still. The less she
moved, she found, the more the diaper felt like a pull-up and the less
she could feel the tension of the tapes on her hips. She was still awake
when she heard the bath water running and Gavin running through the
hallway and up and down the stairs. Julia called for him to stop hiding,
growing angry and increasing her threats step by step. Eventually the
boy was herded toward his waiting bath. Lily was asleep before someone
came to turn off her light.

* * *

Lily didn't have much to say early the next morning, and Miss Anne let
her quietly play with the Barbies. Though Miss Anne and Julia didn't
have a minute to talk in person, now that Lily knew they talked over the
phone she was all the more afraid of the details they could share. She
worried her teacher knew all about her new bedtime routine, and every
glance made Lily wonder what Miss Anne was really thinking beneath her
cheerful exterior.

As the others arrived, none seemed any more energetic than Lily felt.
She was still exhausted from the night and quieted by a resolve to keep
her pull-up dry. Whatever stories the others were hiding, the tension of
the week had broken, and it left every kid slow and tired. Miss Anne
alone wasn't affected by the sleepiness, and she must have delighted in
the calm room. She insisted on leading the group through a few songs.
During the second song, Lily felt her bladder quiver, and knowing she
was already too late to run - to run in front of everyone in fact - she
decided to keep her resolution with the next pull-up.

The singing only concluded when the snack tray arrived. The whole class
cheered, glad to be done. “Cookies!”

Miss Anne opened the package and hummed. “Three each sounds fair. But if
there are six of you and you each get three, how many cookies do we
need? Can anyone figure it out?”

The others five kids shouted out random guesses - Nine! A dozen! - but
Lily carefully did the math.

“Nineteen,” she said proudly.

“Close!” Miss Anne said.

Close? Lily's heart dropped, devastated. Six... nine... twelve...

“Twenty!” shouted Betsaida, breaking Lily's concentration.

“Eighteen!” shouted Jacob.

“We have a winner! Good job, Jacob. But actually, I think we'll take
nineteen. Those look good.”

“So Lily was right,” Betsaida said. “Does she get a prize?”

“No prizes but cookies,” Miss Anne mumbled, already having stuffed her
cookie into her mouth.

Once they were all seated, Talia nudged Lily. “You promised.”

Lily didn't argue that the promise had been made for a different snack.
She slid her napkin and cookies over to Talia, who gleefully gobbled up
five. But Lily's disappointed look must have made her self-conscious,
because Talia gave the final cookie back. Lily savored every nibble.

* * *

Peering over the gated doorway into the toddlers room, Lily watched the
adorable kids. She remembered Miss Ashley's invitation to help sometime
and imagined how fun it might be to play with the littler kids, to teach
them, to help tie their shoes. It would help her forget her horrible
night to feel big again.

“Are you lost, Lily?” Miss Anne's voice rolled down the hallway like a
bowling ball, nearly knocking Lily off her skinny legs. Lily turned to
see Miss Anne standing outside her door with her hands on her hips. Her
classmates were lined up, ready for recess. “You're supposed to be in
the restroom, not wandering the halls. How long have you been out here
anyway?”

Lily was thankful she could remember her rules despite the row of
accusatory stares.

RULE #7 Tell a truth.

“Miss Ashley said I could be her helper,” Lily said.

“That's not Miss Ashley's room, and you still need to tell me where
you're going. Did you even go potty yet?”

When Lily didn't answer immediately, Miss Anne stormed over, grabbed her
hand and marched her toward the restroom as the rest of the class
followed.

“I did go,” Lily lied, but it was too late.

“Everyone. Bathroom. Now.” Miss Anne's tone chilled the air, and not one
soul dared cross her.

Miss Anne marched Lily into the bathroom and didn't let go of her hand
until the stall door was locked behind them. “This is what I meant about
lying, Lily. I need to be able to trust you to do the things I ask. If I
can't trust you...” Miss Anne trailed off as her voice grew softer.
“Come on.”

When Lily hesitated, Miss Anne knelt to tug her shorts down and over the
wet pull-up. Without meeting her teacher's eye, Lily sat down on the
toilet.

“This is a big deal, Lily,” Miss Anne continued as she removed Lily's
shoes. “I don't know if you understand. Little kids have bathrooms
connected to their classrooms because their teachers can't trust them
alone in the hallway.”

Lily heard the other girls crank and tear paper towels. The door opened
and closed a few times until only Lily's stall was occupied.

“I am supposed to trust you to be able to go potty by yourself, but if I
can't...” Miss Anne trailed off again as she stared at the wet pull-up
in her hand.

It took Lily a moment for the words and the image to register. Was Miss
Anne threatening to send Lily to a younger class? She must have talked
to Julia, Lily realized.

“You can,” she pleaded. “You can trust me.”

“And what if you lie again, Lily? What will I have to do?”

“I won't. I really won't.”

“Then is there anything you need to tell me?”

Lily's jaw dropped. This was it. Her lie was ruined. Miss Anne was going
to banish her, but now she wouldn't even send her upstairs to the boring
class.

“For example, why did you pretend that your mom wrote that note?”

Lily couldn't make a sound.

Still Miss Anne's tone was gentle. “Did it really mean that much? You
wanted me to believe she was still here so much that you lied? You must
miss her a lot. I understand that. But that's no excuse.”

Lily wanted to negotiate. She needed a lie to ease everything, but try
as she might, she couldn't follow every word Miss Anne was saying.
Everything was too tangled up.

“When a grown-up sends you with a note, you don't ever change it.”

What grown-up? Julia? The stall seemed to spin around them.

“What are you going to do?” Lily heard herself ask like an amateur. Like
a little kid caught in a lie too big.

“I haven't told your father or your aunt that you switched notes. This
can stay between us, but please don't let me catch you doing anything
like that - like this - again. Understood?”

Lily nodded as much as she could without losing her balance.

Miss Anne tugged a few wipes from the box and helped Lily clean up.
“Good. Now, let's see who we have next. Cinderella? Oh boy, let's see if
we can keep her dry.”

Lily felt terrible. The foolishness of what she'd done finally hit her.
The note could have ruined everything, and it would have been her own
fault. Worse than that, Miss Anne really did care, yet Lily had done
nothing but lie to her. Lily resolved to fix everything. She could be
good. She could be the best seven-year-old. The best at everything. Miss
Anne's favorite. So good Miss Anne would trust her again, love her.

Lily took her teacher's hand on their way to the playground. “Miss Anne?
I wish you were my mother.”

“Aw, that is sweet of you, Lily-squirrel.”

* * *

As the class shuffled around the playground, the cloudless sky seemed to
weigh down their excitement. As hands rose to shield their eyes,
everyone took careful steps toward the playground equipment as if they
or it might catch on fire in direct sunlight.

Lily skipped ahead. “Let's play horses!”

The other girls didn't share her enthusiasm initially, but as they
darted in and out of the shade, the game picked up momentum. Neighing
and skipping, they galloped up mountains to slide down waterfalls.

Rounding a corner inside the cave beneath the play fort, Betsaida
tripped over Talia's hoof, landed splayed on the ground, and
simultaneously hit her head against the metal post. The way her leg
twisted, even Lily could tell it might hurt. Lily or Talia might have
cried if it had happened to them, but it was fire that grew in
Betsaida's eyes as she stood up.

Betsaida shoved Talia. “You tripped me. Say you're sorry.”

“I didn't mean too,” Talia squeaked.

Lily jumped between them and stared Betsaida in the eyes. “Tramplemane,
why don't you come with me, and I'll bandage your leg. I know magic
leaves that will heal you right up.”

Betsaida stared back until finally the fire dimmed. “Okay. Thank you,
Buttercup.”

Betsaida limped as she followed Lily toward the corner of the fence
where a few stray leaves always gathered. Lily wasn't sure if the limp
was real or pretend. She rubbed some leaves onto Betsaiada's ankle.
Betsaida's expression remained distant until Lily massaged her friend's
leg. Betsaida winced, and her eyes burned again.

“I'm sorry,” She whispered then jumped up.

Lily started galloping with a limp.  “Oh no, horses. I used the wrong
magic. I cursed all of us.”

Talia and Sophie started limping in ragged circles too.

“Zombie horses!” Jacob cried from atop the playfort.

“Get your crossbow!” Oscar called back.

The boys started peppering them with imaginary arrows.

“Stop it!” Sophie cried. “You're not supposed to shoot us.”

“But we're cowboys,” said Jacob.

Sophie scowled. “That's not what cowboys do!”

“Pew pew pew.”

Sophie clenched her fists. Lily stepped in front of Sophie, afraid the
other girl might storm up the fort and punch one of the boys.

“Make a rainbow shield, Princess Daisy. Like me.” Lily's hands swung
through long arcs in the air, and then she pushed the imaginary rainbow
toward the boys.

“I'm allergic to rainbows! Abandon ship!”

Sophie and Lily met the boys at the bottom of the slide and drew more
rainbows in the air with sizzling sound effects. The boys ran. As the
four whizzed past Miss Anne, their teacher smiled. Rounding a corner,
Talia and Betsaida cornered the boys, and Lily and Sophie grabbed their
hands to form a chain, fencing the boys in the middle. Laughing, the
boys pushed at the girls' arms to escape. When they tested her link,
Lily let go, knowing she wasn't supposed to play games like that.

“Lily! You let them free!” Betsaida called.

Lily chased after the boys, laughing, then stopped in her tracks and
squeezed her knees together. She hurried back to Miss Anne. “I need to
go potty.”

“Again?” Miss Anne sighed. “Do you need help?”

Lily shook her head. “I can do it. I promise.”

“Go on in. But remember: no wandering the halls.”

Lily ran to the bathroom, though she was already much too late to get
everything into the toilet. After she finished, she skipped down the
hall to grab a new pull-up.

At the cubbies where her backpack was stored, she paused and glanced
into the empty classroom. Remembering her plan to read her file, she
stepped inside and looked up at the cabinet, high above the counter. She
still wanted to know what the adults had written about her. It seemed
vital if she was to keep her lie going longer. But she considered how
much trouble she'd caused that week, her promise to Betsaida, the timer,
the diaper, and the other punishments that Julia might invent. Seriously
breaking the rules didn't seem an option. The class might come back any
moment, and whatever means she assembled to climb to the top, she might
not be able to disassemble it in time to hide what she had done.

Feeling very proud for making the right choice, Lily returned to the
bathroom to change. Besides, recess was almost over, and there was so
little time left to play with her friends.

* * *

“I had a late breakfast,” Selene said as she backed out of the dining
room.

“You still need to eat,” Julia chided.

“Are you listening? I ate. I had a late breakfast.”

“At least eat an apple or orange or something.”

Selene groaned and grabbed an orange before stomping up the stairs.

Gavin made a silly face at Lily, who couldn't help but giggle.

Julia sighed as she sat plates in front of them. “Honestly, I think you
two gigglegoblins give me less headaches.”

Lily couldn't help but notice Julia had no food in front of her. “Aren't
you going to eat?” she asked.

“We had birthday donuts today at the office. I still feel stuffed.”

“Birthday donuts?” Gavin exclaimed skeptically. “That's weird.”

Julia shrugged. “Not everybody likes cake.”

“Everybody likes cake,” Gavin corrected.

“Eat up, please.” Julia sipped her tea then turned to Lily. “You look so
tired, sweetheart. Did you have a long morning?”

Lily nodded. “It's too hot outside. And Betsaida hurt her foot while we
were playing horses. I used magic to help her.”

“That's nice.”

When she was halfway through with her sandwich, the pink timer started
beeping next to Lily's plate. She looked up at Julia.

Julia snatched the timer and turned it off. “Don't worry about it. You
need to eat. We have a doctor's appointment today.”

“But I went last week,” Gavin whined.

“Not you. Lily.”

“Why do I have to go to the doctor?” Lily asked. It was the first she'd
heard of it.

“Shots. For school.”

Lily stared at her food, losing her appetite in the face of the coming
disaster. She had never changed the birthday on any medical chart, but
Julia - much less the doctor - wouldn't be able to get anything from the
moving company if Dad couldn't.

Gavin wagged a finger at Lily. “Don't ever ever ever flush your timer
down the toilet. Mom will be very mad at you.”

Lily blinked. “What?”

“Gavin, just eat.”

“Did Gavin flush a timer?”

“Just eat, Lily.”

Lily pushed her food with her fork. Julia wouldn't schedule a doctor's
appointment without talking to Dad. But if Dad could barely remember his
own doctor's names, Julia couldn't have found out who Lily's old doctors
were from him. “Does my dad know about the doctor's appointment?”

“Just listen and do as I say, Lily. He's not in a state of mind to think
of everything. I know how to take care of a kid too, alright?”

* * *

As Julia parked the car, Lily stared out the window at the doctor's
office, which was inside a windowless concrete building with jutting
metal beams on its exterior. Lily wasn't afraid of needles or blood, but
the building itself gave her anxiety. It looked like a futuristic
prison, a place of pain and torture. What kind of doctor would work
inside that?

Lily's fear kept her seated and buckled until Julia opened the door for
her. She could feel the importance of the visit as real as the hot sun
that baked the sky. What could she do if the doctor revealed the truth
about her age? Julia might reject the idea, but it would spur a
conversation with Dad that Lily didn't want to happen just yet. Tired as
she was, Lily's mind conjured another nightmarish possibility: the
doctor could confirm that she was seven. She didn't look twelve on the
outside, and her body didn't seem to behave that way on the inside. No
matter the outcome, Lily needed a way out, but her ideas were all too
few and the parking lot too short.

When a yellow butterfly flew across their path, Lily saw an opportunity
to at least delay the looming nightmare. She chased the butterfly toward
a line of fragrant trees.

“Lily!” Julia snapped. “You come back right now.”

“There was a butterfly,” Lily began.

Julia grabbed Lily's wrist and tugged her toward the doors. “If you
can't walk across a parking lot like a big girl without running off,
then we'll hold hands.”

“You're hurting me,” Lily whined.

“Then you should have stayed close.”

Lily's voice rose in panic. “You're really hurting me. Aunt Julia,
you're going to pop my bones. You really are.”

Julia didn't listen. If anything, she squeezed even more tightly the
more Lily squirmed. By the time they reached the doctor's office, Lily
was afraid her bones had been crushed, her tendons snapped. The smells
of sterilization and the whirs and muttering of the building were
overwhelming, but only a nervous burst of warmth in her pull-up drew
Lily's mind from the pain, however fleeting.

Aunt Julia pulled Lily toward the counter. “Hi there,” she said to the
receptionist. “Lily Darling. Here for a two o'clock.”

“Fill out these forms please,” said a voice from the other side of the
glass.

Julia let go at last, but Lily stood by Julia's side, afraid to move.
She held her red hand limply in front of her. The pain was so great, she
couldn't even try moving her fingers as if she might do greater damage.

Julia spoke without looking up from the paperwork. “You can go play,
Lily. Or read a book.”

The oversized blocks, plastic animals, and cars and trucks of the play
area were mostly decked out in primary colors. Lily didn't want to play
with any of them, so she stood beside her aunt.

Meanwhile Julia was explaining everything to the receptionist. “She just
moved here with her father, and he's in the hospital himself. The moving
company lost all her paperwork. Birth certificate, school, everything. I
thought it'd be easier to just get the whole shebang than try to get
anybody to fax anything.”

“Do you know her insurance provider?”

“No, we'll just pay out of pocket today.”

Seeming unphased by Julia's lack of knowledge, the receptionist gave
Julia more forms. Julia took the clipboard to a chair, and Lily followed
her. While Julia mumbled to herself and filled out the forms, Lily swung
her feet angrily. It was unfair that people trusted grown-ups more than
kids. The circle of parents in the room didn't seem to mind that she had
been dragged into the room, in pain, but Lily knew Dad would have been
furious at the way Julia treated her. She knew it in her bones. Watching
Julia use her phone, Lily considered whether she might be able to steal
it to call Dad. He would put an end to it. But Julia's phone looked
unfamiliar and a mess of pointless apps. Lily knew Dad's phone well, but
she didn't think she'd be able to find the number quick enough.

With the thoughts of her father, another fear began to form. The doctor
might find that her condition was getting worse. She might be
hospitalized like Dad. But would they share a room? She didn't think
they were in the same hospital at all, and the thought spending the
night alone, with strangers changing her pull-ups, was enough to make
her shudder. Another nervous burst of pee escaped, but no more. Lily was
thankful she didn't have to ask to use the restroom in front of the
other kids and parents.

“Earth to Lily,” Julia said. “What's the hyperflexibility thing called?
That you and your dad have?”

Lily smacked her feet together. “I don't remember.”

“I'll just write that, I guess.” Julia made a few marks on a form. “Let
me see your hand.”

Lily showed her aunt the red, wounded thing, and Julia clucked.

“I am sorry I hurt you, Lily. But sometimes you need to be a better
listener. Like when we have an doctor's appointment to keep.”

“I didn't want to see the doctor,” Lily said automatically, feeling no
pressure to contain her defiance. She shifted on the chair, trying to
find a comfortable way to sit.

“Are you nervous, sweetheart? Everything's going to be okay. Just a
couple of shots. You don't have to sit here. You can play or read a
book.”

“Those toys are for babies.”

“Watch that tone,” Julia chided.

“I want to see my daddy.”

When Lily said that, she noticed some other parents in the room gave
Julia odd looks.

Julia lowered her voice and hissed. “Act your age.”

The stares helped Lily speak more insistently. “I want to see my daddy.
Is this his hospital? Does he know you're making me see the doctor?”

“He knows you have to see the doctor to start school.”

“I want to see my daddy,” Lily said again.

But Julia ignored her and took the clipboard up to the receptionist. The
other parents in the room had gone back to staring at their phones or
whispering to their own children. Angry that her strategy had failed,
Lily swung her feet.

The door at the end of the room opened, and the nurse poked her head
out.  “Lily Darling?”

With no other option in sight, Lily bolted for the entrance, but Julia
immediately grabbed her. Lily hit her head on the floor in the struggle.
She landed a kick somewhere soft on Julia's body before Julia grabbed
her arms. Lily was being dragged toward the office as Julia struggled to
get her upright again.

“Stop! You're hurting me!” Lily cried.

“Stop struggling.”

“You'll pull my arms out. I can feel it.”

Lily twisted unnaturally, using her hypermobile shoulders to slip out of
Julia's arm-lock. Julia tried to capture Lily by the waist, but Lily
managed to fling the door open by then. The girl launched herself into
the hallway, but Julia's fumbling grab sent Lily toward the floor.

Lily felt tension along her shoulders and left arm. Whatever position
she had landed in, Julia recoiled long enough that Lily could kick at
the air to keep her back.

“I want my daddy!” she shouted. Anger and fear had taken control. “I
don't want to be sick. I don't want to stay in the hospital. I want to
go home. I want to see my daddy!”

“I'm sorry,” Julia mumbled to the nurse. “Maybe we'll just take the
religious exemption.”

Julia tried to gather Lily and help her stand. “We're going home,” Julia
said several times before Lily accepted it. “We're going home. No
doctor.”

Julia carried Lily with the girl's chin on her shoulder. Between the
double doors of the exit, Julia stopped and took a knee, balancing Lily
on the other one. She rocked, as she had the night before, and Lily felt
her anxiety ebb again. The fear and furor were forgotten, and she was
left with a sour taste in her mouth and an icky feeling in her pull-up.

“Does anything hurt?” Julia asked.

Lily shook her head.

“I know you're sad,” Julia said softly. It was the same soft voice that
she had used the night before. “I know you hurt and you want your dad. I
know it's hard for you right now, and you want things to go back to
normal. But while you're dad is sick, it's my job to care for you. I'm
family, Lily. I love you. I want you to be happy and healthy and safe. I
would never do anything to hurt you. And it's your job to listen to me
and trust me, just like you would for your dad. I want to help you,
Lily. Doctors only want to help you.”

Julia brushed Lily's hair back from her face. “Are you ready to walk,
love? I can't carry you all the way to the car.”

Lily nodded, and hand in hand, they walked across the parking lot. At
the car, Julia held the back door open, and lazily Lily climbed onto her
seat. When Julia reached across her, Lily flinched.

“Shhh,” Julia whispered as she buckled Lily into the car. “Stop
struggling.”

“I can do it myself,” Lily whined.

“I know, I know,” Julia said as she adjusted the strap.

Once the car was moving, Julia began to talk a little louder. “I do know
it's hard, Lily. I'm sorry if I pushed this too soon. I should have
realized it might make you upset to go to a hospital, and maybe we
should have talked about the doctor more. I didn't mean to scare you.”

Julia stared at Lily through the rearview mirror, but Lily didn't say
anything back.

“Don't you think you should apologize too?”

“I'm sorry,” Lily mumbled.

“Thank you.”

The apology didn't wash away the sour taste, but Lily couldn't place its
origin. She remembered Selene's warning against Julia. Lily was sure she
herself was the manipulator. She had avoided the doctor's visit after
all, and Julia had won nothing. Julia had done everything for her to
calm her, like a servant for a princess. Lily could never have pulled
anything like this on Dad. Whatever Julia had done to Selene, Lily was
sure she could come out on top. And all this concern about Lily feeling
sad? Julia was the one keeping things from going back to normal. Lily
wasn't going to fall for it.

A few blocks closer to home, Julia changed the subject. “We're going to
have Chinese beef and broccoli for dinner. Mmm mmm. Doesn't that sound
yummy?”

“No. I hate broccoli. I'm allergic.” It was a lie, a pointless lie and a
bad lie. Lily should have been happy to win at the doctor's office, but
she was finding it hard think positively.

“Lily,” Julia's tone warned her to stop. “Do I need to call your dad and
ask if that's true? You can tell me you're lying right now, and I won't
be mad.”

“No,” Lily said.

“Now what?”

“No you don't have to call my dad.” Lily had no defense for the lie that
had slipped out, but she still didn't want to admit it.

“I didn't think so,” Julia said. “Let's get you home, sweetheart. You're
probably due for a change, huh? Those princess panties are probably wet
wet wet, and I bet they don't feel good at all, nope.”

  Chapter 18

When Saturday breakfast was over, Julia led Lily upstairs by the hand
and explained the plan for Bob's family reunion. Lily was more
interested in removing the soaked diaper under her pajamas, but Julia
didn't share her urgency.

“Since we'll be at the park all morning and afternoon, I thought, hey,
we might as well make it easier for everyone. Why should anyone worry
today, you know?”

In the bedroom, Julia flicked a towel and guided it down onto Lily's
bed. Lily stood nearby, still unclear about her role when it came to
diapers. Julia had never mentioned it, but Lily was certain her aunt
didn't want her to untape the diaper by herself in the morning. Julia
would probably accuse her of removing it during the night if she ever
tried. But asking Julia to change her seemed even worse because it meant
Lily had to acknowledge the diaper was even there. The phrase “my
diaper” wasn't something a mature second grader should ever say, and
Lily was afraid that saying it would reinforce whatever terrible
misconceptions Julia had about her. So Lily preferred to ignore her
diaper, even if that meant waiting.

“There's going to be so much to do, we're not even going to have time to
worry,” Julia continued. “Today's about relaxing and having fun and
eating good food. So let's do just that, and and we can make it a rule
that no one's allowed to even think about anything else, alright?”

Lily climbed onto the towel and laid back. She didn't understand what
her aunt was asking of her. Was this about Dad? Did Julia think Lily
would embarrass them by crying at the reunion? Julia didn't wait for
Lily to answer before she tore the sides of the heavy diaper. Julia
hummed happily, not seeming to care that Lily had no response. As the
wipes touched Lily's bottom, the cool air brought relief at last, and
Lily's mind drifted lazily while her aunt fished through the dresser. No
longer burdened by the icky needling of the diaper, Lily tried to focus
on a plan to win Julia's trust and affection, but for the moment, she
enjoyed the simple feeling of being clean. When Julia lifted Lily's legs
to slide something under her, a startled Lily jerked away.

Julia caught the runaway ankles immediately. “Lie still, sweetheart,”
she cooed.

Lily wanted to protest - you said they're just for nighttime! - but
words were beyond her reach. She whined and struggled, but Julia's firm
hands easily contained her squirming. Soon the diaper was quickly and
snugly taped into place despite Lily's resistance.

Julia helped Lily to her feet. “Arms up.”

Lily stared up at the ceiling while Julia pulled a dress over her head.
There was no telling how she'd earned the punishment. Her crimes were
numerous: trouble at daycare, the tantrum at the doctor's office,
refusing to eat broccoli at dinner, how she'd hidden the timer under her
dresser after the appointment. All that in a single week. She'd listened
to Miss Anne's warning too late, and now Julia had demoted her. After
whining and kicking her way through a diaper change, it was too late for
Lily to argue or lie. She stared down at her feet while Julia brushed
her hair.

“Don't you look pretty!” Julia chirped.

Lily's thoughts derailed. Julia wasn't acting like it was a punishment
at all. Trying to see any hint of Julia's plan, Lily lost her balance
and bumped into the bed. Julia had bent down to button the dress, and
she caught Lily by her bare arms.

“Is everything okay, Lily-flower?”

Lily had a hundred questions, but she needed time to think before she
said the wrong thing. She decided to deflect. “Are we leaving right
now?”

“You have a little time to play or watch TV with Gavin. I need to clean
up breakfast and make a dish to bring. If you need anything, I'll be
downstairs.”

Lily wasn't in a rush to show off her daytime diaper to Gavin, so she
stayed in her room. She needed a plan to please Julia and get her
pull-ups back, but she decided she could think just as well while
playing if not better. She dumped her blocks onto the floor and built a
castle for the animals of Koala Town. The Koalas and Raccoons took up
residence in the castle, but they left no room for the Squirrel and Owl
families, who loitered outside the wall and begged for handouts and a
dry place to sleep.

Though Lily had no sheets to hide under, she still refused to look at
her diaper. Whenever crawling for a toy wrinkled the hem of her dress to
reveal a patch of white, she threw the dress back down to cover herself.
When her bladder twinged, Lily squeezed but continued to play. Removing
the diaper herself would invite trouble, but so would asking Julia to
help when already wet. She wouldn't impress Julia at all like that.

With the leftover blocks, Lily began constructing a tower. When she
perched one of the Owl children on top, the tower toppled. Lily recoiled
instinctively at first, but the clacking, scattering blocks made her
grin. She built another tower - taller than the first - and snickered
with glee when it too fell down. She built a third and fourth, stealing
pieces from the Koala castle and happily kicking the base to send the
tower crumbling down upon itself.

Lily looked over her trail of destruction, at the toys she would have to
clean up before bed. Though her timer hadn't made a sound all morning,
she guessed more than an hour had passed, yet Julia hadn't come to
collect her. Lily sneaked down the stairs and and poked her head into
the kitchen, where Julia was directing Selene. The teenager glanced up
but quickly turned her eyes back to her mixing bowl.

“Hi sweetiepie,” Julia said. “Do you need something?”

“Are we leaving soon?” Lily asked.

“We didn't forget you. Bob had to run an errand,” Julia said. “I'll find
you when it's time.”

Lily felt a warm flood spread between her legs. The accident caught her
by surprise. Though she had wet in little increments all week, even at
her most neglectful, Julia or Miss Anne always sat her on a toilet
before a real accident ever occurred. Lily froze, waiting for the
trickle to inevitably pour down her thigh and alert Julia. But the
downpour never came, and neither Julia nor Selene seemed to care. Julia
even glanced at Lily while the diaper continued to warm, but her aunt's
expression was merely kind and curious. Lily's mind raced as she
considered the image from Julia's perspective.

Does it look like I came downstairs to ask for the potty too late?, Lily
wondered. She needed a better reason.

“Can I help?”

“I don't think so, but it's nice of you to ask.”

The blender roared to life at Julia's touch, and Lily covered her ears.

“Could I get a drink?” Lily asked when the blender slowed to a purr.

“Of course. Apple juice?”

Julia poured Lily a glass. While the cold drink soothed her throat, Lily
thought how strange it was for Julia to say nothing. Could it be she
didn't even know?

“Thank you,” Lily said. Halfway up the stairs, she glanced back down
certain she'd find Julia following her, but she was alone.

Back in her room, Lily sat with her legs in a W and rescued the animals
from the rubble. She could feel the accident in the weight of the
diaper, but the scene in the kitchen was unlike the horrible disasters
that she'd experienced in the past. Unlike every puddle she'd left in a
school or store, the diaper contained made this accident invisible.
Julia even smiled like nothing had happened, as if there was nothing bad
to feel responsible for it at all. The diaper didn't have the awkward
sag of a wet pull-up, that icky reminder of her mistakes, and when Lily
lifted her dress to peek at the diaper at last, the ABC blocks on the
front seemed so pure and innocent that it was hard to imagine anything
was wrong at all.

Lily built a stage for the ponies to put on a musical. She assigned all
the parts and began the first chorus number before she heard the front
door open. Bob's muffled voice rose through the hall. When Julia didn't
appear at her door right away, Lily went back to playing.

Julia's voice caught Lily in the middle of a song. “Ready to go, sweet
girl?”

Lily wasn't. She wanted changed, but she didn't care to admit it. “I'm
hungry,” she said instead.

It made no difference. Julia could read her mind anyway and laid the
thick towel across the bed. “Up, please. Let's get you clean before we
go.”

Lily's cheeks glowed as Julia confirmed that she knew. “Maybe I could
have a snack in the car?” Lily asked to delay.

“That would be fine,” Aunt Julia said. “Up, please.”

Lily climbed onto the bed and laid down on the towel with her arms stiff
at her side. She let Julia flip up the dress and untape the wet diaper
while she prepared for the worst, but her aunt had no words of scolding
or admonishment. Moving Lily's legs to the side, Julia liberally cleaned
her with a wipe, but she didn't coax an apology or a promise for next
time. Lily watched, but her aunt's serene expression was difficult to
read.

The silence made Lily uncomfortable. Was she supposed to apologize? Or
explain what had happened? Instead she deflected again. “Will there be
kids there?”

Julia squirted lotion onto her fingers. “Of course. Selene and Gavin's
cousins. Are you nervous?”

“A little,” Lily admitted. She wiggled when the cool lotion tickled her
sensitive skin. Who wouldn't be nervous, she wondered, lying on their
back with with their bottom-half exposed?

“Cousin Mindy should be there. She's about your age. She's a dancer. I
think you'll like her. Maybe you two could put on a show.”

Would Mindy see her like this? Lily wondered as Julia lifted her legs
into the air again. When a dry diaper was spread beneath her, Lily
finally understood Julia's rambling comments on worrying. For the day,
no one expected Lily to make it to the bathroom on time. Everyone would
be too busy to remind her.

“All dry, sweetiepie,” Julia chirped as she cleaned her hands with a
fresh wipe.

Julia's smile answered every question. There would be no admonishments
because Lily had done everything right. Julia didn't expect Lily to
think about the bathroom at all without the timer or an adult to remind
her, and the little girl lying on her back hadn't said one word about
it. So far as Julia could see, that little girl hadn't noticed anything
was different, and Julia was treating her exactly as she deserved.
Lily's accident was as expected and accepted as dishes in the sink. The
diapers weren't a punishment at all. They were just another chore to
Julia, and they were proof that Lily was the greatest liar. Maybe she
had aimed too low, but she had won. And if she could accidentally trick
Julia into believing she needed diapers, then she could surely convince
Julia she was good and helpful and mature. Even convincing the whole
world she was seven would be a piece of cake.

Julia tucked a bag of wipes and a handful of diapers into a pale pink
canvas bag. Lily smiled so wide her cheeks stung.

* * *

From across the parking lot, a heavy woman with a giant mess of curly
hair shouted at them. “Bob! Julia! You made it!”

Selene pushed past her parents, aiming straight for the field and the
net surrounded by balls and rackets. Lily watched the teen with envy,
knowing that Julia wouldn't tolerate the same from her. Soon, she
thought. Soon she'd regain some privileges. She only had to follow the
rules until then, and day by day, Julia was only making the rules
easier.

“Hello to you too, Selene.” The woman laughed when the teenager brushed
past her. “Oh my goodness, is this Gavin? How you've grown! And who's
this? Do you have a new little sister?”

“No,” Gavin giggled.

Lily's brow knit and she glanced down at Gavin. She was a head taller
than him at least. What on Earth was this woman thinking?

“I'm just teasing, sugar.” The woman patted Lily's head, and Lily ducked
back toward her aunt and uncle.

“She's my niece,” Julia said. “We're watching her while her father's in
the hospital.”

“Oh goodness me,” the woman said. “I'll keep him in my prayers.”

Gavin jumped up and down. “Mom, Dad! Michael's here! Can I go play?”

“Sure, but don't run in the parking lot,” Bob said too late.

The curly-haired woman laughed. “Boys will be boy.”

“You may as well run off to play too, Lily,” Bob said. “But don't
actually r...”

Lily dashed after Gavin before either adult could ask if she needed a
change. The ride had been long enough that she did, but she had decided
to put that off.  Julia clearly didn't intend to check on her every
thirty minutes, but that gave Lily the opportunity to be the one who
brought it up first. That would certainly earn her some respect. But
Lily intended to wait until they had left so that no strangers would
see.

Bob's family had colonized a pavilion and a couple of grills next to a
sprawling playground. Gavin and Michael were already climbing to the top
of a massive dome that looked fun, but Selene and another older girl had
begun a game of volleyball. Being the shortest in her class year after
year, Lily had never liked sports at all, much less the ones that
involved nets, but if she was going to impress Julia, then she might
have to interact with Selene sometimes and this was the perfect
opportunity. At least these teams would be easily matched. On the other
teen's side, a younger girl darted around, nearly tripping her teammate.
The little girl was trying to join the game, but she failed to reach the
ball no matter how hard she hopped.

“Mindy, stay out on your side,” the other teen chided.

When Mindy noticed Lily watching, she ran over. “Hi. I'm Mindy. Want to
play with us?”

Mindy was taller than Lily by at least six inches, but she didn't have
the build or the coordination of the teens. For Mindy and Lily, playing
mostly meant leaping and failing to reach the ball. Though the older
girls chided them to stay on their side, they seemed to tolerate the
younger girls' presence because of their eager dashes to recover the
ball when it fell outside of the grassy court. “I got it!” they would
shout, regardless of how close to success they were. Whenever Lily tried
to serve, she failed, and Selene quickly learned to do it for her.
Still, Selene wasn't mean about it, and Lily actually enjoyed the time
with her cousin until a man with thick arms and a sagging belly came
over to watch.

“You play for your school too, Selene?”

“Only JV last year.”

The man began to coach the older girls on their form, and he tossed them
the ball so they could practice striking it from specific angles. As the
game slowed, Lily and Mindy found their roles diminished until they were
sitting in the grass with nothing to do. Lily watched Gavin and Michael
run and climb, and she wished that she had chosen otherwise. She tried
to gauge whether her new friend would be interested in such things, but
Lily was too afraid to ask.

“Hey Lily, want to swing?” Mindy asked.

“Yeah!”

Mindy believed swinging to be a competition over soaring higher and
finding new ways to sit and twist on the seat. Though Lily was satisfied
swinging normally, she would only occasionally lean back to let the
world sway upside-down as the wind rushed through her hair.

“You're gonna get dirt in your hair,” Mindy warned. “Hey, watch me
jump!” Mindy launched off the swing and called back. “Now you!”

“I can't.” It wasn't good for Lily's leg joints to land like that, with
her wobbly knees buckling under the shock, but she didn't care to
explain her problem to Mindy.

“Try it. I bet you can.”

Lily dragged her feet on the mulch to slow down then hopped forward. She
barely rose more than a few inches from the ground in the process.

“That's pretty good for your first time! When you're bigger you'll learn
to do it like me.”

Lily smiled. She guessed Mindy was imitating something an older sibling
often said to her, and Lily liked how she'd been cast as the younger
friend without even having to lie, without hardly saying a word. It was
effortless now, and she thought it no wonder that the lie had worked too
well on Julia. When Mindy ran for the playfort, Lily bounded after her.
When they reached the top, Lily glanced through the bars at Selene, who
was still practicing her serving form to the continued criticism of the
old man. Lily remembered how she used to bristle at being mistaken for a
younger kid, but she saw how free she was. Everyone expected her to play
and be sweet, share and say a kind word or two, but not much more.

“Come on!”

Mindy went down the twisty-slide first, but she stopped herself halfway
so that Lily crashed into her. Laughing, they inched down the rest of
the slide as a knot of elbows and hair.

At the bottom, Mindy pointed to the tallest slide, a metal monstrosity
that looked much older than the rest of the playground.  “How brave are
you?”

Lily followed Mindy up the metal steps. From the top she could see every
car in the parking lot, every hot dog on the grill.

“We came here when I was little,” Mindy said. “I was afraid of this
slide.”

“Because it's so tall?”

“Because it gets hot. My sister told me a dragon lives under it.” Mindy
motioned for Lily to hold back. “I'll go first so I can catch you if you
need me to.”

Lily didn't hesitate when it was her turn. “Ahhh! A dragon!” she cried,
laughing.

“Good job!” Mindy said and gave her a high five. “Follow me!”

Under the dome, they raked patterns into woodchips quietly. Mindy drew
big spirals with her toes while hanging from the bars. Lily drew the
head of a cat.

“Do you want to play Star Maidens?” Lily asked.

“Nah, I don't watch that stuff anymore.” Mindy's tone was scornful
though she smiled.

Lily's cheeks burned at her misjudgment.

“Why weren't you at Great-Grandma's birthday last month?” Mindy asked.

“I'm not a Bauer.”

“Isn't that volleyball girl your sister?”

Lily shook her head. “She's my cousin.”

“Oh. The other one's my sister.”

Lily watched the teens through the metal bars of the dome. Though they
were laughing, the volleyball drills looked anything but fun to Lily. In
three or four years, would that be her? Mindy seemed more in the middle
than her. Did she understand her sister any better than Lily understood
Selene?

“Do you and your sister get along?” she asked.

“Marissa only has like one friend,” Mindy said. ”She doesn't get along
with anybody.”

“Mine either. I mean, not my cousin either. She's confusing.”

“Marissa's different. She got in trouble at school. Well she didn't get
in trouble, a teacher did. But she's been in trouble a lot since then.”

Unsure if the girl understood the seriousness of what she'd implied,
Lily paused in her drawing to look at Mindy. “Do you think she's going
to get better?”

“She's already better. The police don't give her rides home anymore.”

“Why did they do that?”

“Because she was stealing,” Mindy said matter-of-factly. “Hey, watch
this.”

Mindy hung upside down from the metal bars of the dome and swatted at
her pile of woodchips with her hands. Lily felt jealousy tighten across
her chest. She was never allowed to hang like that, not since the
diagnosis.

“What's wrong?” Mindy asked.

Shrugging off the tight sensation, Lily climbed onto the bar adjacent to
Mindy. Curling he knees about the bar, she swung upside down too and
grinned. Mindy swatted at her gently. Lily felt a trickle of wetness run
toward her belly-button before she realized that her diaper was exposed.
If Mindy noticed, she didn't say anything. They both climbed to the top
and sat on the dome.

“Have you ever stolen anything?” Mindy asked.

“I stole two dolls from my daycare,” Lily admitted, guessing her new
friend wouldn't tell anyone.

“That's kid stuff. Look at this.” Mindy fished through her shorts pocket
and revealed eyeshadow and lipstick. “My mom won't let me wear any, but
sometimes I put it on at school and say another girl did it.”

Lily felt her misjudgment widen, like the gaps between the bars of the
dome. It took a moment to remember she was the author of the bigger
deception. She couldn't tell Mindy about the lie though, not after Mindy
had seen her wet diaper.

Bob's voice boomed from the edge of the playground. “Gavin? Lily? It's
time to eat.”

“I've gotta go,” Lily said as she climbed down.

“Yeah, me too,” Mindy said.

Lily ran straight to Bob's side, but Gavin was still on the playground.

“One more time on the monkey bars,” he called.

“Just hurry,” Bob said.

“Can I do one more slide?” Lily asked.

“Sure, go ahead.”

When the kids finished, Bob led them toward the pavilion where a whole
row of tables was covered in food. The crowd had grown since they'd
arrived, and a line had wrapped around the side of the pavilion. The
people milling around at the end in an unorganized mob let the Bob and
the children go before them.

“Did you make a friend, Lily?” Bob asked.

Lily nodded. She wondered if her uncle knew what she was wearing under
her dress. Standing still in line, she became more conscious of how
thick the diaper had grown, and with that awareness came the fear that a
stray gust of wind or someone passing too close would reveal her secret
to everyone. Lily kept close to Bob and tried not to attract attention.

When they reached the food, Bob picked plates for them. “Hot dog or
hamburger?”

“Hot dog,” Gavin said.

Lily pointed to the hamburgers.

“Alright. One of each it is. Ketchup? Mustard?”

“Just ketchup.” Gavin said. “And one pickle but on the side.”

Lily pointed to the mustard.

Bob picked out some fruit and vegetables for their sides then dropped a
fistful of chips on both plates. Lily watched him skip the cans of soda
and select a pair of juice boxes.

“Let's go sit with Julia,” he said.

Lily wasn't hungry, but Julia asked her to eat a bite of everything on
her plate. As Lily sipped on her straw, she realized how little she'd
said since they reached the park and how differently even Bob was
treating her. Lily could easily have carried her own plate or picked her
own food, but Bob didn't even ask. Now, Julia was sitting right beside
her and not saying a word about the bathroom. Her aunt had seen her
pull-ups enough to know that Lily was probably wet. Lily was amazed at
how effortless the lie grew, but as she watched a father change his
toddler on a bench, right in front of everyone, Lily realized she would
have to stop the lie somewhere and stop it soon. She decided to impress
her aunt by mentioning her wet diaper first, but whenever she built the
nerve, the Bauers' relatives would walk past and talk to Bob or Julia
and ruffle Gavin's hair.

“Aunt Julia?” Lily whispered when they had a moment alone.  Julia turned
to Lily, but so did Bob. Lily tried to hide her embarrassment by asking
for a change while staring down at her knees.

Julia brushed Lily's hair. “What's that sweetie? Speak up.”

Lily felt foolish and couldn't bring herself to ask again. “Can I go
back to play now?”

“You don't want a treat?”

Lily shook her head.

“Alright. Come back if you get hungry.”

* * *

While Mindy and the other kids ate cookies and cupcakes and a hundred
other desserts, Lily wandered the playground by herself. She was
debating a new situation. She desperately needed to poop, but she didn't
want to do it in her diaper nor did she want to ask Julia to take her to
the restroom in front of everyone. When the urgency increased into a
sharp pain, Lily lost her fear, and she bolted across the field toward
the pavilion. But running had been a terrible choice, and only yards
from the nearest table, she was forced to stop. With hands on her
behind, she lost control. Though a couple of faces glanced at her,
nobody paid her much mind. They all turned back to their food and family
as if nothing had happened.

Lily stood still for a moment, but finally she headed back to the
playground. She knew the mess wasn't big - it wasn't even that
uncomfortable - but it felt awful just knowing what she'd done. That
she'd been so late. She couldn't remember the last time she'd lost
control like that - maybe kindergarten. Lily knew she should tell Julia
immediately. The longer she waited, the more out of control the lie was
growing. But she remembered the toddler, and she worried that she'd be
changed in front of everyone.

“Lily!” Mindy waved. “We're gonna play tag! Come on!”

Mindy gathered some kids Lily hadn't met yet, and soon the game
stretched across an entire field with a NO PETS sign to serve as base.
Even Selene and Marissa played, which amazed Lily and settled one knot
of worry in her stomach. Playing the same game as the teenagers made her
feel a little less childish.

“Why are we running after eating?” Selene gasped at Lily while they both
paused to breathe.

Michael careened toward them, hands outstretched. Lily darted sideways,
causing Selene to nearly trip. Selene shrieked when Michael laid a hand
on her back.

“You're it!” Michael called.

“I'll get you!” Selene growled.

“No tag backs!” Michael whined as he ran.

When everyone was out of breath, the kids split into pairs and trios and
went their separate ways. Mindy took Lily's hand and pulled her toward
the pavilion.

“Is your mommy here, Lily?”

“I'm with my aunt.”

“Aunt Julia?”

When Lily nodded, Mindy took her straight to where Julia was talking to
another woman.

“Hello girls,” Julia said. “Having fun?”

Mindy spoke up. “I think your little one needs a change.”

“Thank you, Mindy. You're probably right.”

Mindy ran back to the playground, and Lily was left holding her aunt's
hand, waiting for a diaper change with no way out. Julia continued
talking to the other woman, and Lily's cheeks burned furiously as she
wondered how many people knew. Imagining how disappointed Julia would be
in a few minutes, Lily grew angry with her aunt. The mess was Julia's
fault, Lily reasoned. It wouldn't have happened if Julia hadn't confused
her by putting her in the diaper and complicating the decision. Lily
would have used the potty like normal if she'd had the option. Once
again, she wondered if this was the manipulation that Selene had warned
her about, but Lily couldn't see any logic behind it.

Julia was laughing with the other woman when she finally stood up. “But
what am I doing? Let me take care of this one, and I'll be right back.”

Julia led Lily toward their car, where Julia took the towel from the
diaper bag and laid it over the back seat. Lily lay down on it and
stared at the front seat while Julia untaped the messy diaper.

“Are you having fun with Mindy?” Julia asked.

Lily nodded without turning her head.

“I told you you would. I think she likes you a lot.”

Lily found it hard to believe. The smell that filled the car would turn
most friendships. After this Mindy would probably be too embarrassed to
be friends with her. When Lily was clean and a new diaper was taped into
place, Julia pulled back from the car to wipe her own hands. Once again,
Lily realized her aunt hadn't sad a negative word the whole change.
There was no suggestion that Lily could have done better. Lily sat up
and enjoyed the soft, dry feeling.

Julia smiled at her. “What are you smiling about, little cutey? I bet it
feels better to be clean, doesn't it? Hm? Doesn't it?” Julia leaned in
to tickle Lily, who giggled before the fingers even touched her arms.

As Lily skipped back to the playground, Mindy waved her over. She was
joined by another girl, about as tall as her, but the new girl waved
too. Lily smiled and waved back as she ran to join them.

“That's Lily,” Mindy was saying. “She's little, but she's cool.”

“She's cute,” the new girl said. “You have pretty hair. Can we braid
it?”

Lily smiled. She had convinced everyone around her so naturally, so
easily, and now she was finally free of worry. She could play, she could
be kind, and once she had the opportunity, she would be the best
second-grader of all time.

  Chapter 19

The way Talia played with her necklace made Lily afraid she'd said
something wrong.

“It was just an idea,” Lily said. “We don't have to draw crowns.”

Talia touched her necklace to her chin. “Well, it's just... Can you draw
mine?”

“Sure! But only if you draw mine.”

Talia huffed. “But you're the better drawer!”

Lily linked elbows with her friend. “Yeah, but you know way more about
princesses.”

Talia couldn't disagree, but she insisted they put their dolls down for
a nap first. Once the babies were snuggling under blankets with their
bottles, the girls sat at the circle table where Miss Anne had let them
leave the crayons out earlier. Their chintzy princess dresses crinkled
as they reached for the crayons and scissors they had abandoned earlier.
With only the two girls to watch that morning, Miss Anne had allowed
them to do whatever they asked.

“I'm going to add magic emeralds to your crown,” Talia announced.

“What kind of magic?”

“They're green emeralds, so they give you magic over green things like
trees.”

Lily looked at the crown she was decorating with feathery spirals. “Do
you want magic in your crown?” she asked

“Yes, but only blue magic.”

“I'll draw a blue rose then. Is that okay?”

Talia nodded. “That's fine.”

“Those are both wonderful,” Miss Anne said, taking a break from her
phone to peer over their shoulders. “Would you work together to make me
one?”

Talia's eyes lit-up. “Really? Together?”

Talia always seemed happier to Lily the mornings they had the room to
themselves. Lily too was glad for an easy day. Before Talia arrived,
she'd anxiously wondered if Miss Anne knew about the family reunion and
what Lily wore there. When Miss Anne didn't say anything, Lily's
thoughts turned to the other kids and whether any of them might have
seen her at the park. But after one successful potty run, Lily's
confidence bloomed anew. If she could only keep her pull-up dry, Lily
knew for sure she would regain her teacher's trust.

After the girls taped their crowns together, they begged Miss Anne to
play music so they could dance. Their teacher consented, but when a pop
song burst from her phone, Talia shook her head vehemently.

“Ballet music,” she insisted.

Gentle strings replaced the banging drums, and the two girls posed and
spun with their arms in the air. Miss Anne even joined them. She held
Talia's hand above the little girl's head so she could twirl. Lily
grabbed Miss Anne's other hand, and the three danced together, hands
linked. The movement was addictive, and when Miss Anne chose a faster
song, the girls spun faster and leaped across the room with unsteady
steps.

Once the second song ended, Miss Anne turned off her phone. “Oh no
girls, I think you've woken your babies.”

“It's time for tea anyway,” Talia said.

“Actually, I think that's Miss Brit's class coming in. Ready to go
outside?”

Both girls cheered, and Miss Anne herded them toward the restrooms.
Talia took one stall, and Miss Anne joined Lily in another. Lily quickly
pulled down her leggings on her own and sat before Miss Anne could do
anything. Almost immediately she felt a burst of pee escape.

“Just a tiny spot,” Miss Anne said as she checked Lily's pull-up.

“I didn't feel anything,” Lily blurted.

“It's okay. It probably escaped while we were dancing. It happens.”

Lily concentrated hard on not letting Miss Anne's excuse settle and make
a cozy next in her mind. She could do better. She had to. Still, a spot
was better than any pull-up from her Worst Week. Miss Anne left the
girls to wash their hands, and they teetered on the stepstool together,
giggling.

When Talia had dried her hands, she twisted her necklace again. “Lily? I
don't want to be mean, but why do you have so many accidents?”

“I was in a bad car crash,” Lily said, pleased that a reasonable lie
came so quickly.

“Oh, okay,” Talia said cheerily. “I'm glad you didn't die.”

The girls held hands while they skipped behind Miss Anne. Lily realized
how thankful she was for Talia's friendship, how perfect a companion
Talia could be. Lily thought it easy to stay happy, to be on her best
behavior, around the shorter girl.

Still wearing their crowns, there was no argument about what they should
play outside. In the middle of the playground, the Princess Rose and
Princess Aurora held the grandest ball they could imagine, but when they
accidentally revealed their magic powers, the evil queen banished them
to the dungeon, where she cast a spell on them to make them ugly. They
pleaded with Miss Anne to be the evil queen, and their teacher curled
her fingers menacingly and snarled. The girls ran, shrieking, under the
playfort.

Recess was over all too soon, and despite their complaints, the girls
were ushered back inside to play. They mothered their dolls and played a
few games of tic tac toe before then Miss Anne brought out snack.

“Do you know how princess eat?” Miss demonstrated taking dainty bites
with her pinky in the air and dabbed at the corners of her mouth with
her napkin.

The girls imitated her. When Lily was halfway done, her bladder twinged.
She squeezed, hoping to finish the snack, but she could feel the wetness
spread.

She jumped up. “I need to potty.”

“Go ahead,” Miss Anne said, but Lily was already out the door.

Once Lily flushed, she found Miss Anne waiting outside the stall with a
spare pull-up.

“Let's check those undies,” Miss Anne said before she pulled down Lily's
leggings. “Hmmm. Looks like you were a little late.”

“But I almost made it,” Lily said.

“Sure,” Miss Anne said, but she didn't sound impressed.

For a moment, Lily was afraid that Miss Anne was angry with her, and she
felt humiliated as she had through her Worst Week. But she washed her
hands and calmed herself down. The accident wasn't bad by Worst Week
standards, and Miss Anne hadn't scolded her or said one bad word at all.
Lily felt her determination rise again, like steel girders holding her
head higher. The lack of praise wasn't a reason to quit, it was a reason
to try harder, she told herself. When Miss Anne opened the bathroom
door, Lily felt an urge to give her teacher a hug, but she held back.
Not yet, she told herself. Earn it.

Outside the bathroom, they found Julia and Gavin walking towards them.

“Look who it is!” Miss Anne said. “We'll see you tomorrow, Lily.”

“But it's early. Can't I stay a little longer?” Lily asked.

Julia shook her head. “It's time to go, sweetheart.”

“I need to say goodbye to Talia so she won't miss me.” Lily ran toward
the room without waiting for permission and gave the smaller girl a hug.

“I'm glad you're my friend,” Lily said. “Bye!”

Talia's face lit up all over again.

* * *

As soon as the front door swung open, Gavin and Lily pushed passed Julia
into the living room.

“Come on, Lily. Let's play Legos.”

“Hey now, shoes off. And don't get too much out yet. I'll have lunch
ready in a few minutes.”

“My foots are already naked,” Gavin said as he leaped toward the stairs
in his bare feet.

“What? Where are your shoes?”

“In the car. I didn't like them anymore.”

Lily giggled.

“Don't encourage him.” Julia groaned though she was smiling too.

Though Lily had built half a house by the time Julia told them to wash
up, both kids complained that they need more time.

“Now,” Julia repeated.

Lunch was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with pretzels and apple
slices. A part of Lily wanted to see if she could push Julia to cut her
crust, but she swallowed the urge. After the weekend, she had to do her
best, and that meant eating slowly and neatly. Gavin, however, smudged
peanut butter on his fingers and began making the peanut-buttery bits
dance. Lily giggled.

“Gavin, don't play with your food,” Julia said without looking up from
her phone.

“Lily thinks it's funny!”

“Lily doesn't make the rules. Just eat.”

Lily had finished her sandwich and was waiting for dessert when she felt
her bladder spasm. She ran for the bathroom, and threw herself at the
toilet with such urgency that she didn't bother to close the door. Only
a trickle splashed in the water. She peeked at the stain inside her
pull-up, and she fumed on how unfair it was that she was judged without
regard to the size of her bladder. She had to use the bathroom a hundred
times more than anyone else. Of course she would be late once or twice.

Lily wasn't too surprised when Julia arrived and took her by the hand.

“Come with me, kiddo.”

Lily followed her aunt up the stairs and into her bedroom, where Julia
threw a towel across the bed. Lily froze.

“I don't want to take a nap,” she whined.

“Oh no, not a nap. You're going to school. Up, please.”

Lily didn't budge. “School?”

Julia lifted her by the armpits. “Honestly, you're too big for me to
pick you up all the time.”

Lily lay unhelpfully stiff while Julia tore loose the damp pull-up and
lifted her legs to clean her bottom. Julia unfolded a diaper, just as
Lily feared, while Lily mused on Julia's excuse. School? School was
still a month away, and anyway, Julia's answer didn't explain why Lily
had to wear the diaper.

“I want you to go in there and just wow them with how smart you are,”
Julia continued once the diaper was snugly taped. “That means
concentrating. So just like Saturday, there's no worrying, alright?”

“Are they going to ask me questions?”

“They are going to drop their jaws and pat you on the back,” Julia
grinned. “You're just taking a placement test today. Do you know what
that is? They're going to test you on reading and math to see how smart
you are. I've heard you read, little lady. You're going to blow them
away. I know you will.”

The snug, dry feeling and Julia's encouraging tone filled Lily with
confidence, but Lily stopped listening to the words her aunt was saying.
Lily wasn't interested in proving she was smart. For her the placement
test meant more evidence to support her lie. She only had to perform
like a second-grader, and she had been at daycare enough that she
believed she could think just like one.

Julia wiped her hands clean. “Run downstairs, we have time for some
dessert before we go.”

* * *

To Lily's surprise, Broadmoor Acadamy wasn't the same building as the
church and daycare, though it too was an old brick building in downtown
Wenahachee. The inside was bright with student artwork everywhere and
hand-painted signs directing students in English and Spanish toward the
school's landmarks. Julia led Lily through the lobby, past a statue of
Jesus on the left and on the right a mural of kids and aliens playing
baseball on the moon. Julia opened the glass door under the yellow sign
that read main office in rainbow letters. A woman with a graying
ponytail greeted them immediately.

“Good to see you back, Julia. This must be Lily?”

“Yes, indeed,” Julia said before squeezing Lily's hand. “Say hello to
Mrs Cooper, Lily. She's your new principal.”

Mrs Cooper smiled down at Lily. “Welcome to Broadmoor Academy. We were
very happy to find you a spot.”

“David signed everything he needed to?” Julia asked.

Mrs Cooper held up a clipboard stuffed with paper. “He signed the
affidavit, yes,” she said. “We went ahead and copied everything the
daycare had on file like he asked. So if you could just validate these
and fill in any gaps, then I think we're all set.”

Julia let go of Lily's hand to take the clipboard. “So we don't have to
worry about birth certificates or any of that?”

“Not at present.”

“Oh thank you. That moving company, I am going to write them the worst
review myself if David doesn't. It should be criminal what they did.”

“Luckily the school board drafted new rules to accommodate our refugee
community a few years back, and it just happens to make these kinds of
disasters easier for the rest of us.”

Julia nudged Lily. “Thank goodness you didn't move halfway around the
world. Your dad might have lost you too.”

Julia set the pink canvas bag on the counter and flipped through the
forms. She occasionally marked on them, but Lily wasn't able to see any
of it. The counter was an obvious reminder that students here were not
really responsible for anything. The thought could have brought relief,
but as Julia wrote what seemed like a long note, Lily worried what her
aunt her would add that Dad hadn't.

Mrs Cooper leaned down to talk to Lily. “Are you excited for second
grade, Lily?”

Lily took a step closer to Julia. With her lie under such close
inspection, her confidence fled like a ghost in the daylight.

“Miss Parry tells me you already made new friends. Are you looking
forward to going to school with Talia?”

Lily nodded.

“Are you always this shy or are you a little nervous about the test?”

“I've never seen her act shy in my life.” Julia's voice bounced. “She
has a huge imagination. You'll be lucky if she doesn't burst into song
during the test.”

Mrs Cooper smiled. “Wouldn't that be a treat.”

Julia held the clipboard for Lily to read. “Is October 18 really your
birthday, Lily?”

Lily swallowed hard, but the form bore the same year she'd written for
daycare. She nodded.

“I could've sworn that it was in April.”

“That's my dad.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. So many numbers to remember now.” Julia gave a
fake-laugh before handing the clipboard back to Mrs Cooper. “It's nice
having Lily around, though. She's so sweet with Gavin, and she's a good
role model besides. Selene's so far apart in age that she's always been
more babysitter than sister.”

Mrs Cooper passed the forms to the school secretary. “Selene must be a
sophomore?”

“In so many ways,” Julia said.

While the conversation turned to Selene, Lily watched the secretary
keenly. That the lie had gone this far felt unreal, and Lily was all the
more suspicious for Julia's encouragement. The way Julia bragged in
front of Mrs Cooper, her laugh, her smile, her everything seemed so
fake. She was hiding something, and Lily wondered if Dad had really
signed off on any of it. She'd never gone to a private school back home,
much less a religious one. Dad hadn't talked to Julia for years. He
wouldn't turn around and hand Lily off to her. No, Julia's cheer read
like an act, a trap, and Julia was lying about Dad. Or she knew. She
knew and she was only testing to see how far Lily would go before
spilling the beans. But how much did the school know? Lily wondered. As
her thoughts spiraled, she felt seven slipping away from even as she
considered going through with the lie - not for Betsaida, not to excuse
her accidents or avoid bullying or any reason but to spite Julia. Lily
saw the secretary and Mrs Cooper quietly exchange nods. Did they know
too?

“Well then,” Mrs Cooper said. “I think we're all set. Julia, you can
wait in here if you like.”

“Why don't Lily and I do a quick potty stop first, if that's alright.”

“Of course. There's one right across from the gym. Out these doors and
to your right.”

As Lily followed Julia and the pink canvas bag, she noted that Julia
hadn't asked if she needed to go. She was glad to feel dry. She couldn't
stomach the image of Julia changing her on the restroom floor. Without
entering a stall, Julia lowered Lily's leggings for her and felt the
underside of the diaper.

“Just making sure,” Julia said. “I want you in tip-top shape. All dry!
Good. Time to show them what you've got.”

Julia pulled Lily's leggings back up and fixed Lily's shirt. She was
standing again before she caught herself. “Oh, did you want to sit on
the potty?”

The question seemed ridiculous, and at once Lily knew her answer didn't
matter. Julia must have felt it too, because she squeezed Lily's hand
and opened the door without waiting.

“Go get 'em, tiger. You're going to do great.”

Mrs Cooper greeted them with a smile outside the office.

“All ready? Follow me.”

Despite the bright colors, the classroom was nearly bare, and the empty
desks eerily resembled a ghost town. Lily guessed that's what schools
everywhere must look like when students abandoned them for the summer.
She recognized the beanie chairs of a reading nook and the other
furnishings of an elementary school classroom. Lily was directed to sit
at a desk near the whiteboard. She noted that more than her toes could
touch the ground when she sat, unlike her old school.

Mrs Cooper fiddled with a tablet while she talked. “There's no reason to
be nervous today. Did your aunt explain the placement test to you?”

“It tells you what grade I go in.”

“Sort of. At Broadmoor Academy, we recognize that everyone grows at
different speeds for different skills. Some are good at math, some at
reading. So we shuffle students around during the day. Most of your
classes will be with the same teacher, but we have a few separate
classes for anyone who need extra help and also for the students who are
further ahead.” As she talked, Mrs Cooper's voice rose and fell, bubbled
then dove into serious low tones. “Have you used a tablet before?”

“We have one at home.”

“Most of what you'll need to do on this one is press the buttons that
have the right answer for each question, but you'll also have to scroll
through some of the readings. I'll walk you through the example
questions once it's logged in. Ah, there we go.”

After Mrs Cooper explained the test and all the buttons, she had Lily do
a few practice questions before she was satisfied that Lily knew how to
use it. Mrs Cooper gave Lily paper and pencil for the math problems, and
she strongly cautioned against writing on the screen.

“Now sometimes you might see questions over things you just haven't
learned yet, and that's okay. Remember, you're allowed to use the skip
button a few times in each section. Nod three times if you understand.”

Lily nodded three times. Was this what second grade would be like?

“Just making sure you're awake. If you have any questions, I'll be right
here. You can start when you're ready.” Mrs Cooper took a seat at the
teacher's desk and immediately began clicking away on a heavy laptop.

Lily pressed the green start button and watched the first question load.

Flamingos stand on one foot.  Dogs walk on four ____.  A. Foot B. Feet
C. Foots D. Arms

Lily stared blankly at the screen. She knew the correct answer, of
course, but she didn't know which answer would prove she was a second
grader. Gavin said foots, but did Betsaida? Did Talia? If Lily chose too
many right answers, she might not be in the same class as her friends,
but if she went overboard with wrong answers, she could end up in
kindergarten with Gavin. Lily marked the correct answer and moved on.

A dentist might work at ____.  A. A store B. A factory C. A school D. A
hospital

Lily imagined her father's reaction once he was out of the hospital and
let the seconds tick by. How would she explain her second-grade test
scores to him? What if the school found out her real age but didn't
believe she faked the test? Lily learned that failing a test on purpose
could be far more stressful than a real test, and so she chose the
correct answer for the second question, the third, the fourth, the
fifth.

When Lily shifted on her chair, she felt the tug of the diaper, and she
wondered if Mrs Cooper knew what she was wearing. Julia had certainly
written something about her accidents on the forms, but would she admit
that she had put a seven-year-old in diapers? If Lily assumed there was
no trap, would Julia try to send her to school in diapers so she could
concentrate? If Lily bombed the test and had to wear diapers, she could
face far worse than kindergarten. With that thought, Lily's mind was
made up. She'd been right from the start. The accidents excused her
being the best at everything else. Any more would be a step too far.

She breezed through the grammar portion of the test, and after about
twenty questions, the tablet said to take a break before continuing.
Lily raised her hand.

“Do you need to get a drink or anything?” Mrs Cooper asked.

Lily shook her head.

“Alright. You can continue when you're ready.”

The grammar questions were boring, but Lily liked the stories in the
reading section. One was about a boy living with his grandparents and
how his life was different from all his friends. Lily wanted to read the
book it came from, but the excerpt mentioned no title, no author. The
stories flew by quickly, and soon, after a trip to the drinking
fountain, Lily stared down the first math problem. Some were
unbelievably easy like the grammar questions, but every easy problem was
followed by a hard one like adding three or more numbers at once. Lily
counted on her fingers and scratched furiously at the scrap paper. She
almost cried when the test gave her a division problem. Division had so
many steps, and getting them in order always mixed her up. She tried
though, but when her first answer didn't match any of the options, she
pressed skip and moved on.

Halfway through the math questions, Lily's bladder complained. Knowing
it would take care of herself, she continued with the test. Later the
warmth made her paranoid, and she glanced nervously at her seat and the
floor. Mrs Cooper kept typing as if nothing was amiss.

When Lily finished the last question, she was surprised to see her
scores. In grammar and reading, she scored over a thousand. She'd earned
extra credit before of course, but she'd never heard of anyone getting a
thousand percent. Even in math she scored three hundred, which sounded
better than she'd ever done. Fearing that she had ruined her chances at
passing for a second grader, Lily raised her hand and showed Mrs Cooper
the screen.

“Very, very good,” was all Mrs Cooper said before copying the scores
onto a post-it.

They returned to the lobby where Julia was waiting. Lily's head hung
low, afraid that she'd have to answer for her impossible scores. If they
didn't already know, the adults wouldn't leap right to her age, of
course. First they'd accuse her of cheating, but nevertheless, the test
was the beginning of the end.

“Lily did outstanding,” Mrs Cooper told Julia, proudly even. “Her
teacher will review the results with you at registration. Have a great
afternoon, and I'll see you in August, Lily.”

As soon as they left the building, Julia held out her hand to Lily for a
high five. “That's my girl! Do you want ice cream?”

“Yeah!”

* * *

After they ordered their ice cream, Julia and Lily sat down at a picnic
table in the shade outside the tiny ice cream shop. The rubbery blue
paint on the table had chipped away to reveal layers of orange, white,
and wood beneath. For a few minutes, Lily let herself enjoy the ice
cream without analyzing Julia's reaction. Whatever Julia's plan was,
whatever Julia knew, Lily had done what was expected of her, and so long
as Julia's plan matched her own, Lily was happy to enjoy a tasty reward.

Julia was working her phone with one hand. “Let's call your dad and tell
him the good news.”

She left the phone in the middle of the table. While it ringed, Lily
tried to bring back the twelve-year-old inside her, but it was hard
while sitting in a wet diaper and eating an melting ice cream cone.
Besides, her success at the school made her wonder how much farther she
could take the lie. By acting little, could she get Dad to talk with her
the way other adults did? When the ringing stopped, she took a sloppy
bite of her ice cream, knowingly leaving a smear across her lips.

“Hello?” Dad's voice said.

“Daddy!”

“Hi Lily. How are you?”

“Hi David. Lily has some news for you. What did you do today, Lily?”

“I'm eating ice cream!”

“Wow, that sounds like fun.”

Julia laughed. “What else did you do?”

“I took a test at the school, and I did so good.”

Julia leaned toward the phone. “The principal said she did, and I quote,
outstanding.”

“Wow,” Dad said. “Great job, princess. And now you're celebrating, huh?”

“I'm having cookie dough,” Lily said.

“Remember to say thank you to Julia.”

“Do you want us to bring you some?”

Dad laughed. “No, but thank you.”

Dad's laugh felt like a victory. Lily was being seven and getting away
with it. But when she paused to lick her ice cream, her thoughts turned
toward Dad's dark words the last time they spoke. Was his cheerful tone
hiding something?

“I miss you,” she said.

“I miss you too. Have you been behaving for your aunt and uncle? I hear
you have a busy week ahead.”

“I do?”

“Aren't you spending the night at Betsaida's on Friday?”

“I am?” Lily looked up at Julia for confirmation.

“Oh, I'm sorry, Jules,” Dad said. “Was that supposed to be a surprise?”

“Not a surprise,” Julia cut in. “I just got the text while Lily was
testing and hadn't told her yet.”

Lily danced where she sat.

“Watch your ice cream, Lily,” Julia chided. “So David, when you get out
- I hope this isn't too soon or too forward - but well there's a girl
working in the mayor's office. We started chatting this morning. She has
a girl about Lily's age, and-”

As soon as Lily figured out what Julia was saying, Dad interrupted.
“Jules, I'm not interested. Thank you, but-”

“Oh, you say that, but you have to meet her. She's... Ack! One moment.”

Julia's ice cream sandwich had dribbled down her hand. While she licked
her fingers clean, Lily quickly pressed the red button on the phone to
end the call.

“Sorry about that. David? Are you still there?” Julia picked up the
phone with her clean hand. “Did he just hang up? How ungrateful.”

“Maybe it was an emergency?” Lily suggested.

Julia shrugged. To Lily's relief, Dad didn't call back before they
finished their ice cream. Julia took charge of wiping Lily's face and
hands herself, a little too rough for Lily's liking.

Lily was quiet the whole ride home. Selene was right, she decided. Lily
had been so focused on herself, she didn't see that Julia's scheme
extended beyond her. Julia wanted to change everything.

* * *

“Lily's back!” Gavin called out. “Can we go out back?”

Julia dropped the pink bag onto a chair. “Sure. Stay in the yard and
take that smelly dog with you.”

“Last one to the swing-set is a rotten egg!”

Lily chased Gavin outside but let him win by a hair. They swung, they
kicked a ball back and forth, they laughed. Humphrey ran circles around
them while carrying a stick, which he refused to give up for fetch. Lily
enjoyed the break from her anxiety, though she occasionally needled
Gavin with questions when one popped into her head.

“Did you have to take a test for school? What was it like?”

“I had to show them my ninja moves,” Gavin said while demonstrating some
hand chops in the air. “Do you want to play Kid Ninjas?”

“I want to be Princess Andromeda. Maybe we could play both?”

“How?”

“Well, what if you had a ninja spaceship?”

“Oh yeah. And pretend I saw your spaceship and at first I think you're a
bad guy because I don't recognize you.”

“And I think you're a bad guy too.”

“Yeah!”

A couple of times during their adventures, Lily released bursts of pee
into her already wet diaper. After the family reunion, she had been left
in a diaper through dinner and bedtime, but it felt strange to use one
in the middle of the afternoon. On the other hand, she didn't have to
interrupt her play to run the the bathroom, and no one could tell how
close of a call she had by whether she had to pause to change her
pull-up.

When they returned to the swings, they shared a long, pleasant moment of
silence with just the wind rushing past their ears.

Gavin spoke first. “You're smart, Lily. I know someday you'll be
potty-trained like me.”

“I was in a car crash when I was little,” Lily lied. “That's why my dad
and I have all kinds of problems.”

Julia threw open the screen door. “Alright kiddos, who wants a snack?”

Even Humphrey ran toward the kitchen. But Lily slowed her pace almost
immediately. Her bulging diaper felt sticky, prickly against her skin.
When she folded her legs and sat at the table,, she could feel the gross
squish even through her heels. She wondered why Julia had neglected her
so long, but she couldn't see any reason to it. She felt so
uncomfortable that she couldn't focus on anything else.

“Cookies and milk, cookies and milk,” Gavin sang.

Lily scowled. “I don't want you to sing.”

“Cookies and water, cookies and apple juice,” Gavin continued.

“Stop it.”

“You can't be mean when you're eating,” Gavin said. “Right mom?”

“Hush. She's probably just due for a change. Poor thing, we'll clean up
as soon as you're done.”

Julia's murmurings of comfort continued all the way up the stairs. By
the time they reached the bedroom, Lily wasn't sure if she was ready for
a pull-up. As desperately as she wanted to be clean, the idea of trying
to make it to the potty seemed too complicated and nerve-wracking after
everything else.

“Thank you,” Julia said.

“For what?”

“Gavin really is so much happier with you in the house,” Julia was
saying as she opened the dresser. “Oh, what's this? The timer came back.
Somebody must have found it. I wonder where it wandered off to.”

Lily had forgotten that she'd returned the timer to her dresser before
lunch. She laid back on the towel without being asked.

“That'll be useful tomorrow, won't it? But let's just have a relaxing
day today. No cares, no worries.”

Julia hummed while she wiped Lily down, bringing cool relief at last.
When Julia lifted her legs to slide a new diaper underneath, Lily's
mixed feelings stopped swirling. A break for a day was all she wanted,
she told herself, and she didn't need to question how the lie had made
it happen. She wouldn't miss the reminders, the fights over spotted
pull-ups. Everything felt settled.

Everything except her father.

Julia seemed to notice Lily's mood dive. “Is there anything you want to
talk about, sweetheart?”

“When is my daddy coming home?” Lily didn't cry, but her voice cracked.

Julia looked down on her with sympathy and pulled the little girl onto
her lap. Her voice came soft and low. “You've been so angry lately,
angel. I'm glad you can finally feel sad. Your daddy will be back as
soon as he's able. He wouldn't spend one more day away from you than he
needs to, I promise. They'll make him all better, and he'll come right
back home to you.”

Lily pressed her face into her aunt's soft shirt, and despite herself,
she felt comforted.

When Julia left the room, Lily heard her aunt whisper with Gavin in the
hallway. Soon Gavin joined Lily in her room, and Lily brought out her
Koala Town figures and had set up a one-room school for the children.
Mama Squirrel was the teacher, and she was having to deal with Jimmy
Crocodile's outbursts. He had already been sent to time-out twice, but
he had used both opportunities to climb onto the school's roof.

“Hey,” Gavin interrupted. “Why do you have twins for these koalas but
not the others?”

Lily shrugged. “What if Mitsy Koala climbed up the roof too?”

“The crocodile would eat her.”

“No, don't eat me!”

“Nobody better be eating nobody.” Julia barely contained a laugh as she
entered. “These are cute little animal people. Are they from a show?”

“Koala Town,” Lily answered.

Julia picked up Mama Squirrel. “Why are those two standing on the wall?”

“They're on the roof of the school,” Gavin said. “And mine's going to
eat her!”

“Crocodile boy!” Julia squeaked while waving Mama Squirrel.

As the new teacher, Julia led the class through a round of the alphabet
song and a game of Simon Says before Gavin interrupted again.

“Mom, if I'm in a car crash, will I need diapers too?”

“Who said anything about a car crash?”

Lily said nothing, knowing further lies would get her nowhere.

Gavin looked confused. “Isn't that why she wears diapers?”

“No, honey. Her body is stretchy. Lily, show Gavin how far back you can
bend a finger.”

Lily bent her an index finger back toward her wrist.

“See? I bet you can't do that. I can't. All of Lily's body is like that.
I guess maybe her bladder is stretchy too. Or maybe she has a nervous
system issue like her dad.”

“Oh,” was all Gavin had to say. He was still trying to bend his finger.

“Now,” Julia said. “Who in this class can tell me why the chicken
crossed the road?”

Lily's koala hopped. “I can! To get to the other side.”

Julia shook her squirrel. “Nope. To get away from the farmer.”

“Mom,” Gavin whined.

“Who can tell me how you put an elephant in the refrigerator?”

Lily laughed.

“Mom,” Gavin whined again.

“You open the door and put the elephant in then close the door. Now, who
can tell me how to put a giraffe in the refrigerator?”

“Mom, that's too silly.”

“See what I have to put up with, Lily?” Julia laughed. “And me? I'm too
silly? If I'm the silly one, then why are you laughing?”

“I'm not,” Gavin said before Julia reached out to tickle him. He
shrieked and tried to crawl away.

Lily reached for Gavin's leg to stop him, but Julia turned on her.

“Don't think you're immune, Little lady,” Julia said, wiggling her
fingers.

When the tickling ended, Lily sighed, content. Unable to help herself,
she wrapped her arms around her aunt.

Julia gently brushed her hair. “Wouldn't it be nice to spend every day
like this? I'm going to miss you two when school starts.”

  Chapter 20

The timer beeped furiously next to Lily on the couch, and her panicked
fingers fumbled as she turned off the alarm. When the pink monster was
silent, Lily sank back onto the cushions. After doing a good job all
day, she decided she could relax for two minutes before running to the
bathroom.

“Cinco monitos...” Lily sang quietly as the second episode began.

Julia called from the kitchen. “Was that your timer?”

“No,” Lily called back. “It was the TV.”

Julia appeared at the edge of the living room, drying her hands on a
dish towel. “You do have the timer with you, don't you? Maybe you should
go before this episode gets started. That way you don't have to pause it
again.”

With a sigh, Lily shuffled toward the bathroom. Julia was right of
course, but the interference still annoyed her. After the same
micromanagement the day before, Lily wasn't overjoyed when Julia
announced that she had taken the day off work. By afternoon a defiant
voice in Lily's head wanted to hide the timer again, but she ignored it.
She had experienced what came of slipping on her bathroom habits, and it
wasn't any more fun. So Lily followed Julia's every instruction and
didn't complain. But it was hard. The pull-ups made her accountable for
every tiny leak and dribble, and Julia was more vigilant than Dad had
ever been. Every time the pink monster shrieked, Lily faced potential
disappointment with her body.

“All dry?” Julia asked when Lily returned to the living room.

“There was a little spot,” Lily admitted. There was no sense in lying,
she'd learned.

“Hmm. Maybe we better adjust it again.” Julia clicked a few buttons on
the timer.

Lily pouted but said nothing. She already spent so much of her day
sitting on the toilet at the timer's command, peeing only a few drops at
a time. But if Julia was right, if the timer could solve her problem,
then maybe it was worth the hassle. Besides, once Julia recognized that
Lily was cooperating, all the blame began to fall on the timer.

“You're doing a great job, sweetheart. I just don't think the timer is
keeping up.” Julia sat on the couch beside Lily when she was done
resetting the timer. “Are you watching Mambo Mambo again? I like the
music in this one. Doesn't it make you want to dance?”

Julia sat through the next half episode with her. The monkeys met a
family of tapirs who wanted to cross a wide river in the jungle. Each
monkey had a different disastrous idea for how the tapirs could get to
the other side. Lily and Julia smiled and laughed together, and they
both groaned when the the monkeys recited the pun-filled morale to the
story.

Julia turned off the TV. “Let's head up to your room,” she said.

As she walked up the stairs, Lily didn't argue even though the tiny spot
hardly warranted a dry pull-up. Julia probably didn't believe her, and
Lily couldn't blame her aunt.

Julia passed her for Gavin's room. “I'll be with you in a minute.”

While Lily waited, Mitsy Koala performed a gymnastics routine on the
bed. Down the hall, she heard Julia tell Gavin to go potty and get his
shoes on. Gavin demanded more time, but his mother cut him off.
Eventually little feet stomped down the stairs. When Julia came into
Lily's room, she laid the towel out on the bed.

“Where are we going?” Lily asked as she climbed onto the bed without a
fight. She had noticed a pattern developing for daytime diapers.

“Shopping,” Julia answered. “I want to get you and Gavin some new
clothes for school.”

Julia pulled down Lily's shorts and tore free the pull-up. She paused to
examine the spot before tossing it into the bin. She hummed while she
wiped Lily's bottom. Lily continued playing with Mitsy. After so many
diaper changes since the weekend, she had finally, happily learned her
role.

Julia stopped humming and squirted oil into her palm. “I know you're
trying really hard, and we'll keep that up at home, won't we? I just
learned with Gavin that this is easier when we go out. Who wants to try
to find a bathroom in an emergency? And anyway, dressing and undressing
to change pull-ups is just a pain, isn't it?”

Lily didn't bother responding. It was all true, of course. All her life
she wished for a better solution, and she remembered every time she
leaked through her pants because she couldn't find a public restroom. It
just took Julia and one big lie to find the answer.

Mitsy dipped and spun in the air.

* * *

At the store, Julia and the cart glided toward the girls section first.
“If you see anything you like, just let me know. You're going to need a
lot of long-sleeves for the fall.”

A new wardrobe meant a new identity, and Lily was giddy with
possibility. All summer she'd been stuck with the single suitcase that
the moving company hadn't touched. Julia helped her find an assortment
of basics. New tops, a couple of sweaters, jeans. Though Lily was
allowed to pick the colors, Julia steered her away from bright and
childish prints. Lily found her aunt's opinions baffling. Though Julia
made Lily wear princess pull-ups and baby diapers, princess shirts were
apparently a step too far. It was the opposite of shopping with Dad. He
was always a year or two behind her tastes, whereas Lily sought the most
grown-up outfits she could to counteract her height. Julia marveled at
how cute Lily looked in a loose knit gray sweater, and Lily almost
laughed with the insight on how pointless her old efforts had been. No
matter how hard she tried to present herself as twelve, she was mistaken
for a little kid - even by family - but as a seven-year-old, she could
wear anything, do anything.

On a shelf of t-shirts, all artificially faded and cracking, Lily found
two shirts in her size with Star Maidens and Membe Membe Mambo
characters. She knew she had to get one, but Julia was skeptical.

“Are you sure you want these? You usually dress so mature.”

“I really really do.”

“Pick one.”

Julia pushed the cart onward, and Lily was left to imagine herself at
her new school wearing either. Everyone watched Princess Andromeda, of
course, but only babies really liked Membe Membe Mambo. Lily frowned at
how late the realization came. Maybe Julia has the right idea after all,
she thought. Bullies would find enough reasons to call her a baby
without her dressing like one. Lily tossed the Membe shirt under a rack
of jeans then ran after her aunt.

Gavin also made this trip different. While they shopped for Lily, he
ducked under the racks of clothes and fired imaginary arrows at them.
Julia asked him to stop multiple times, but Gavin only changed his
tactics to approach them more stealthily. Lily did her best to ignore
him whenever her aunt was watching, but as soon as Julia turned away,
Lily fired arrows back at her cousin. While they looked at dresses Gavin
was so quiet that Lily lost track of him until he jumped out from behind
a rack of long skirts.

“Boo!”

The sudden noise startled Lily, and warmth came in a burst between her
legs.

Julia, however, was unphased. “Do you need to ride in the cart, Gavin?”

“I want to walk,” Gavin whined.

“I'll make a deal then. If you two can be good, I'll buy you both a
treat. How about a new coloring book?”

“And a toy!” Gavin said.

“You have to be extra-special good for that. Much better than you have
been behaving.”

“I will be,” Gavin promised.

Julia turned her arched eyebrows to Lily.

“Me too. Extra double good.”

“It's a deal,” Julia said. “Oh! I almost forgot. Lily, you need a
swimsuit for Friday.”

Without Betsaida's excitement winding her up that morning, Lily had
actually forgotten as well. She danced for a moment in celebration while
Julia search the discounted swimwear.

To Lily's embarrassment, Julia herded Gavin into the large fitting room
with them. Julia helped Lily in and out of the outfits. She tugged at
the sleeves and shoulders, slipped fingers into waistbands and
necklines. Lily couldn't help but watch in the mirror every time she
stripped down to her diaper and socks. She wondered if the fitting
session would end with her on the floor for a change. Julia had brought
the pink canvas bag after all, and the stain was noticeable, especially
with Julia tugging at her every which way. But Julia said nothing, as if
a wet diaper was perfectly acceptable after a long week of potty
training. Lily's anxiety tried to find fault or maliciousness in her
aunt's attitude, but she turned up nothing unsettling. Quite the
opposite, Julia's attitude was a gift in disguise. If Lily had been
shopping with Dad, the accident might have ended the trip, but Julia had
been prepared. Julia understood. Julia made it better.

“This is taking forever,” Gavin whined as he rocked back and forth.

At least he isn't saying anything either, Lily thought.

After the fitting, Julia pared down their selection and swapped a couple
of items that didn't fit well. Lily was glad to see that her Princess
Andromeda shirt made the cut, and she smiled too as she remembered that
the pile of clothes represented her new life, her second chance. It was
all happening so quickly, so much more easily than she'd ever imagined.

When Julia was done sorting, she turned the cart toward the intimates,
and there she dropped new socks and tights into the cart. Lily watched a
pack of Princess Andromeda briefs land on top. Julia winked, and Lily's
heart beat a thousand times before that wink was over. Even with the
timer's help, the idea of being responsible for a pair of regular
underwear while under her aunt's close supervision - it seemed
hopelessly beyond her. There would be no sneaking damp panties past
Julia on laundry day. And what if I have to wear those the next time we
go shopping? Lily wondered. It would be awful.

They navigated the maze of the boys' section next. Gavin wasn't accorded
as much input on his own clothes, and he crossed his arms in refusal
every time Julia held shirts up to his chest. He kept trying to hide,
and only the reminder about a treat brought him back. Lily grew bored,
and to avoid imagining all the worst outcomes for her new underwear, she
quietly pretended to be an astronaut or a princess lost in the woods.
When a song she liked came over the store radio, she danced and twirled
behind her aunt.

“Lily,” Julia said sternly. “I expect better from you.”

Caught off guard by her aunt's tone, Lily deflected. “I'm hungry. Can we
get a snack?”

“Do you see any snacks? Honestly, you two are acting like you need
afternoon naps again.”

This set off an avalanche of whining from Gavin, for whom naps weren't a
distant memory, but Lily too felt fear. It was harder and harder to know
what was real and what was ridiculous when Julia said things like that.

When it was Gavin's turn in the fitting room, Lily was left to wait with
the cart. Based on the sounds of struggle inside, she was glad to have
that relative freedom. She circled the fitting rooms and drifted further
away each round. When her stomach growled, she decided there had to be
food somewhere nearby. She explored the main aisles on the edge of the
boys' section, but all she found were tins of fancy cookies and boxes of
microwave popcorn on the movie racks. She must have lost track of Julia
and Gavin's voices, because they were waiting at the cart when she
returned.

Julia gripped Lily's shoulders with her strong hands. “Don't you ever
walk away like that. Do you hear me? Don't you know how frightened I
was?”

“I'm sorry,” Lily said meekly.

Julia sorted Gavin's clothes as she had Lily's. Both kids stood nearby,
tired and defeated. Their heads hung low in surrender.

“Sometimes I'm not sure if you're going into second grade or
kindergarten,” Julia said quietly.

Lily swallowed an outburst, and fear rose in its place. She could only
read hardness in her aunt's expression. The words had the ring of an
idle threat, like a teacher saying they would give a whole class zeros.
You couldn't send even a seven-year-old back to kindergarten for
misbehaving. Not really. Lily knew that, but Julia's face was serious as
stone.

Lily felt a sudden pang in her bladder, and she squeezed her legs
together. “I need to go potty,” she said automatically.

“Oh for heaven's sake,” Julia said. “What did I say before we left?
Let's just get out of here, alright?”

Julia pushed through to the aisle, and Lily followed. She continued to
squeeze for a few steps, but the wetness only spread as she moved. The
accident made her angry at first, but then she was overcome by guilt
with the realization that she wouldn't have made it. For a second time,
the trip would have been ruined if Julia hadn't been prepared. The
thought put Lily at ease, and as she thought about how perfect her new
life could be, she skipped down the aisle even as the wetness settled.
But her skips faltered when Julia took them into the baby section and
dropped thick packages of pull-ups into the cart. Lily's cheeks burned.
There was no mistaking to which kid the princess-themed packages
belonged, and Lily hung back from the cart while her aunt browsed wipes
and baby oil. Lily's eye was drawn to a package of diapers with the
monkeys from Membe Membe Mambo swinging across the front. She traced the
artwork with her finger until she caught her aunt watching her. Lily
looked away quickly and fell into line behind her aunt.

Julia sighed. “All right, because you both tried, how about that treat.”

“Toy. Toy. Toy,” Gavin chanted.

But Julia turned the cart into the art aisle. “One coloring book each.
Your pick.”

Gavin predictably chose the first Kid Ninja coloring book he found. Lily
thumbed through several until finally she settled on one with an
endangered animals theme.

Julia smiled. “Alright, I think that's everything.”

“Were we good enough for a toy?” Gavin begged.

“I don't know. You did need more than a few reminders each...”

“Please,” Gavin whined.

“Besides, you have so many toys as it is.”

“Lily doesn't, remember? She doesn't even have stuffed animals.”

“That's very thoughtful of you, Gavin. Okay. Here's the deal. One
stuffed animal each, and I get the final say.”

The stuffed animal aisle was overwhelming. There were the usual cats,
dogs, horses, and more rising so high Lily couldn't see the top shelves.
In the end, Gavin picked a lion, and Lily found herself attracted to
both a life-like emperor penguin and a purple elephant.

“Can I get both? Please?” she asked, hoping Gavin's tactic could work
for her.

Julia shook her head. “Pick one.”

The penguin's scruff of feathers atop its head was cute, but the
elephant was softer and had large, understanding eyes. Lily put the
penguin back.

Julia winked. “Maybe the other will be a birthday surprise.”

The wink made Lily wonder. Had Julia always intended it to go this way?
It didn't seem like their behavior really mattered in the end.

At checkout Julia asked Lily to hand over her toy. Lily hesitated, and
the cashier simply leaned forward to scan the elephant's tag with the
wand.

“Promise to take extra-special good care of her,” the cashier said with
a smile.

“I will,” Lily promised. It was all the responsibility she had, really.

* * *

To Lily and Gavin's disappointment, Julia stopped at a grocery store
next.

“I need to go pee,” Gavin announced frantically as he unbuckled.

“Okay. We'll do that first. There's one right inside the doors.”

As they walked across the parking lot, Lily felt ashamed that she
couldn't hold it as long or as well as her cousin. She'd had two
accidents in the space that it took Gavin to reach mild desperation.
They entered a family restroom, and Gavin undressed and climbed onto the
toilet by himself.

“How about you, sweetie?” Julia asked as she bent down beside Lily.
Without waiting for an answer, Julia reached under Lily's shorts and
felt the diaper. “Oh, poor thing. You're soaked. We'll get you home
soon. I just need a couple of things.”

True to her word, Julia picked up only a few things needed for dinner,
but the checkout line was long and tedious. Lily felt especially annoyed
because her diaper was thick and uncomfortable by then. After the
humiliating diaper check, there was little to take her mind off the
icky, raw feeling until Julia picked out a bag of M&Ms for them to
share.

When they were buckled in the car again and the candy had been divided,
Julia checked her phone. “Your dad texted, Lily. Looks like we'll get to
visit him tomorrow. How's that sound?”

Lily smiled, but she couldn't hold onto her joy for the whole drive
home. She was glad for many things in her new life, but at that moment
in the car she felt miserable. Though she tried desperately to meet
Julia's shifting expectations, Lily feared it was a fight that she could
lose any minute. She couldn't even make sense of her own impulses. She
didn't like feeling trapped by her seat belt, but she didn't want to go
home where the timer waited. She didn't want to be a baby or go to
kindergarten, but the Princess Andromeda panties frightened her. Most of
all, she wanted her Daddy, but she couldn't bear for him to see her like
this.

Lily hugged her new elephant and rubbed her cheek on its purple fur.

“Mommy, Lily's crying,” Gavin said.

“It's okay, sweetheart. We'll be home soon and get you changed.”

The promise lightened the weight on Lily's chest. Was that really all
she wanted? Feeling dry would help her think clearer.

At home, Julia sent Lily upstairs. Lily was sitting on the floor and
introducing the purple elephant to Mitsy Koala when Julia joined her.
Humming, Julia unpacked Lily's supplies. From the corner of her eye,
Lily saw Julia remove a pull-up from the dresser first and then change
her mind.

“Ready, sweetheart?” Julia asked, motioning to the towel.

“When will I get my Star Maiden undies?” Lily asked nervously after
she'd laid back on the towel.

“Not today, angel. But soon.” Julia tore the tapes and began to clean.
“I'm so proud of you, Lily. You tried so hard all morning, but I've got
some work to get done. Let's just take another break for the rest of the
day, okay?”

When the change was over, Lily's toys called her to play. The dry diaper
felt wonderful.

* * *

“Can't catch me!”

“Time out, both of you!” Julia caught a stunned Gavin by the wrist as he
passed through the kitchen. She led him toward a corner of the dining
room. “I've told you and I've told you: no running in the house.”

Confused, Lily looked up from where she was drawing with colored pencils
at the table. “But I wasn't running.”

Julia's face was still full of anger when she glanced at Lily, but she
leaned down to Gavin's ear first. “Stand here and be quiet until I say
otherwise.”

Gavin bounced his head angrily against the wall a few times, but Julia
let him be. Lily still sat, frozen with fear and confusion, until Julia
rubbed her thin shoulders.

“I'm sorry, Lily. I thought you were still chasing him, but you're being
a good listener. What are you drawing?”

“It's a unicorn school.”

“Cute. I like the pink glasses on the teacher.”

The front door opened and close.

“Selene? Is that you?” Julia called out.

Selene came to the dining room wearing workout clothes. “Yeah?”

“Thank goodness. You need to get these two out of the house so I can
work. A walk, the park, out back, the moon, anywhere. I don't care. Can
you take them? Just get them out of here so I have a chance to get
supper ready before your dad comes home?”

“Sure. Uh, let me change?” Selene said before disappearing up the
stairs.

“But I'm drawing,” Lily said.

“All done for now. Here, let's pick up together while Selene changes.”

Once they put the art supplies away, Julia caught Lily by the waistband
of her shorts and reached inside to feel Lily's diaper.

“Dry enough,” Julia said. “We'll just clean you up for dinner when
you're back.”

Lily's cheeks burned as she turned for the door and her shoes.

* * *

The small neighborhood park was only a couple of streets away from the
Bauers' house, but Lily had never seen it before. A handful of boys
occupied the basketball court, but the playground and the small wooded
area were free. Gavin ran wildly, nearly bouncing from the slides to the
monkey-bars in a single leap. Lily asked if he wanted to play space
explorers, but he was more interested in “look at me” games than
make-believe. Without a partner to fuel her imagination, Lily settled on
the swings, and to her surprise, Selene joined her.

“So do you believe me now?” Selene asked.

Lily wondered which part of her warning Selene meant. That Julia would
manipulate her? That things were weird? That Julia was treating Lily
like a little kid? Lily believed all of it, but she didn't know which to
admit. Selene wasn't a factor she had solved. Lily didn't trust Selene
to understand. The teen's stare was burning a hole through Lily's skin,
and she knew she had to say something.

“She said she's going to send me to kindergarten if I don't behave,”
Lily mumbled.

“She'd try too,” Selene said.

It wasn't the response Lily expected. She didn't really believe the
threat herself, but she didn't think Selene even bought the lie. Lily
must have looked at her cousin with surprise, because Selene stared back
with wide, serious eyes.

“She's crazy, Lily. Haven't you noticed? She tries to fix things. She
can't leave anyone alone. And her ideas don't always make sense.”

Lily dragged her feet to stop her swing. Fixing things. Was that Julia's
motivation? The explanation fit, but it was exactly why Lily had started
to appreciate her aunt.

“I'm sorry if you thought I was mad at you,” Selene continued. “I just
didn't want to get in the middle of whatever it is she's doing. But
that's not fair to you or your dad. You don't know her like I do.”

“She wants my dad to get married to someone in an office,” Lily blurted
as the pieces came together.

“That sounds like her.”

“I don't think she tells my dad anything. She took me to the doctor and
to a weird school. He never said I had to do any of it.” Lily couldn't
think before she spoke. It was dangerous, but it felt too good to tell
someone her suspicions. “What if she's trying to take me away from him?”

“She is kind of treating you like her precious little baby, right? Like
the diapers. Your dad never... right?” Selene asked in a hushed tone.
“I'm not judging. You can tell me.”

But the diapers are helping. Lily knew she couldn't tell Selene that.
She couldn't tell her cousin she'd had an emergency on the walk to the
park. That without the diaper, they would have walked home so she could
change her clothes before they even reached the park.

“Not in a long time,” Lily said quietly.

“I was just checking. I mean, I know you have issues...”

Lily pushed her swing back and forth with her toes. She wondered what
Dad would say, and she remembered what Miss Anne had read from her file:
“frequent accidents.” Would Dad think she deserved the diapers? Guilt
squeezed her belly. Would she be happier if Dad was angry at her or
pleased?

Selene grabbed Lily's swing and pulled her to a twisting stop. “Lily,
you have to tell your dad what's she doing. I bet she won't let you see
him alone, but if you have a message, I think I can get it to him
without Mom knowing. Rachel has her own phone. I can get his number and
use that.”

Lily remembered how sad Dad's voice sounded on the phone, how he said
she'd be better without him. She didn't want to complicate his life
more. He didn't need to deal with her problems until he was ready. But
then a thought struck her. The diapers were Julia's idea, so Julia would
be in trouble too. Lily was only obeying her aunt. She was listening to
Dad and trying not to cause problems. Sure, she had a lot of accidents
the first week, but Dad was never mad about that. He'd be mad at Julia
for over-reacting. And then after that, could Lily convince Dad to let
her keep some diapers?

“Lily?”

Lily knew she couldn't tell Selene any of her thoughts.

“I'll tell him myself when I see him tomorrow,” she said.

Selene took her hand. “Promise me.”

“I really will.”

* * *

The world beyond Lily's window was dark when she woke with a terrible
feeling growing deep within her belly. Whatever she had dreamed quickly
faded, but her mind wouldn't rest. The muffled sounds of the TV swam up
the stairs, past the night-light in the hallway, carrying unfamiliar and
unsettling grown-up voices. Lily found her elephant within the swirl of
sheets and pulled it close to her chest. She heard something creak
outside her door. At first, comically, she thought of Gavin's monster,
Buggagubba, but when the floorboards creaked a second time, Lily
couldn't find humor in wondering what was moving around. She didn't want
to be alone.

Without looking into the shadows of the hallway, Lily darted for the
stairs. She carried her elephant with her, one step at a time. Just out
of reach of the light and out of sight of anyone waiting on the couch,
she paused, and she listened to the TV. It sounded like a news program.

“It is unknown at present how many church members may have survived.
Founded in San Francisco, the church recently purchased the farmland in
Polk County where the tragedy occurred. According their leader Marco
Bellomi, known to church members as Sadal Melik, the region would play
host to visiting extra-terrestrials from stars within the constellation
Aquarius.”

Nothing the reporter said helped Lily calm down, and she hoped it wasn't
news at all but a horror movie, a science fiction show. The word
survived kept ringing in her ear.

“Julia, did you hear about this?” Bob rose from the couch and walked
toward the dining room, passing the stairs on his way.  “Lily! What are
you doing up?”

“I'm thirsty.”

Bob poured Lily a glass of water and waited while she drank. When she
finished, he picked her up and carried her toward the stairs. Lily
wrapped her arms and legs around him. She felt the soft pat of his hand
through her padded bottom.

“Do you need a change too, caterpillar?”

Lily didn't bother answering, though she knew it would help her fall
asleep. Before Bob could say more, Julia's phone rang in another room.
The sound was so startling even Bob jumped. He put Lily down and gave
her a pat on the back.

“Head to bed,” he said. “I'll be up in a minute.”

Lily climbed a few steps, but when Bob walked away, she sat in the
shadows again.

From what Lily could hear, Julia's side of the conversation was a
frantic series of questions. “He did what? He's where? Do you have their
number? And the address? What time was he admitted?”

Bob's voice was too soft for Lily to hear through the walls, but Julia's
voice continued to escalate.

“David's at Wells Behavioral. Yeah. Jesus. What was he thinking? How did
he even manage...? He was bedridden for Christ's sake. Shit. He has a
daughter, Bob. What were we supposed to tell her? What was he thinking.”

“They couldn't give me his patient code, but I'm going anyway. I have to
be there.”

“It's probably past visiting hours.”

“Fuck visiting hours!”

They passed the stairs for the living room. Neither noticed Lily, who
climbed a few steps higher into the deepest shadows. Bob mumbled
something before Julia shot back.

“He's my brother! He needs me.” Julia was shouting by then, but after a
short pause she manged to calm down. “I'm sorry. I should be back before
morning.”

Julia's purse jingled then the door closed behind her.

In the silence Lily became aware of hot tears on her cheeks, and she
gave into her confusion and sadness. She wailed, and it brought Bob to
her. He cradled her at the foot of the stairs.

“I want my Daddy,” was all she could say.

“Shhh,” Bob whispered. “It's going to be alright. Everything will be
just fine.”

* * *

“Miss Anne! If I'm dry all morning, I get to wear big girl panties!”

“Wow! That's wonderful, Lily. I'll try to be extra special good about
reminding you.”

Julia handed over Lily's backpack and whispered to Miss Anne. They
smiled at each other, but Lily was wouldn't let her mind tumble over
that fact. She had to concentrate. That day she would get one big girl
privilege back and a chance to see her daddy.

Julia waved. “Bye, sweetheart. I'll see you in a few hours.”

Staring at the toys, Lily relaxed her smile for a second. Julia didn't
know that Lily had heard the phone conversation. If Lily didn't want her
aunt to find out, she had to pretend to be happy. But she was worried
about her father. The phone conversation hadn't made sense, but she
could sense danger in Julia's language and the way she stormed out of
the house in the middle of the night.

“What do you want to do, Lily-squirrel?”

“I just want to read by myself.”

“Okey-dokey.”

Unable to concentrate on the book, Lily had barely turned a page before
the others arrived. Soon after they sat down to play dolls, Betsaida
burst into the room.

“Lily! The sleepover is tomorrow! And it's not even supposed to rain. We
can go swimming!”

Lily smiled. “I just bought a new swimsuit.”

“Did you ever go swimming in the ocean at your old house?”

“No, it's too cold. And there are killer whales everywhere.”

Talia's eyes widened. “Did you ever see one?”

“Thousands,” Lily said in a hushed tone.

The girls played dolls for a while longer, then Miss Anne sent Lily to
the restroom. When Lily returned - happily dry - it was time to head
outside. Thin clouds obscured the sun and brought cool winds, but the
air was still dry. In the distance, the trees that washed over the rocky
mountains had begun to rust, like needles on the forest floor.

“Let's play lost puppies,” Betsaida said.

Talia and Betsaida were picked to be the puppies, and Lily and Sophie
played the mean owners, the dogcatchers, and the other villains of the
story. Every time they cornered the lost puppies, they threated to turn
the dogs into stew or coats, but the puppies always escaped. Betsaida's
howling was so realistic, so mournful, Lily almost had to stop to see if
her friend was alright. Finally, as recess neared its end, Lily
announced she was a little girl, and Sophie decided to be her mother.

“Can we keep them? Pleeease?” Lily begged while the puppies yipped and
pawed at her.

“Are you going to feed them and brush them and wash them and walk them?”

“Yes! I promise!”

“I don't know. It's a big responsibility.” Sophie seemed to enjoy
dragging out the negotiation while Talia and Betsaida whined and pawed
at her legs. “You can't even take care of yourself,” Sophie added a
smirk.

Before Lily could defend herself, Miss Anne called out, “Line-up,
squirrels!”

“But Miss Anne...”

“What's that? Nobody wants snack?”

With that, the class marched inside obediently, and in a matter of
minutes, snack time was over. Lily waited in line behind Betsaida at the
sink to wash cheese powder from their fingers and lips.

“I wish the sleepover was today,” Betsaida said. “That way I wouldn't
have to go to the doctor.”

“Why are you going to the doctor?” Lily asked.

“Probably to get a shot.”

“You would have to get the shot sooner or later,” Lily said, though she
remembered how she'd managed to avoid hers.

“But I hate shots.”

The whine in Betsaida's voice reminded Lily of Gavin. With relief she
realized she wasn't the only one whose behavior crossed that line. Julia
would probably threaten Betsaida with a nap too.

“Everyone hates shots,” Lily said, recalling what Dad told her once.
“But they don't last forever. Once you feel it, the shot's almost done.”

By her shuffling stance, Betsaida didn't appear any more at ease. She
muttered when it was her turn to wash her hands. “Why do we even need
stupid shots?”

“Do you know what I do?” Lily asked. “I count backwards from one
thousand.”

“How does that help?”

“Because it's hard. I mean, not really really hard, just a little bit
hard. Enough that you don't think about the shot.” Lily had never
actually done it, but she always remembered watching some kid show where
a character learned to control their stress that way. A fragment of a
larger story that stuck with her for no reason that she could see.

“Does it work?” Betsaida asked as she tore paper towels to dry her
hands.

“Every time.”

Lily stepped up the sink, and as soon as the cold water touched Lily's
hands, she felt her bladder relax involuntarily. Leaving the sink
running, Lily ran to the bathroom as fast as she could, but the damage
had already begun. In her haste, a trickle escaped even as she lowered
her pull-up and threw herself onto the toilet. Her cheeks were wet with
tears when Miss Anne passed through the open stall door.

“Hey, it's okay. Everything's all right.” Miss Anne took Lily's hands.
“This one was my fault for not watching the time. You've been doing a
great job.”

Miss Anne removed the sniffling girl's shoes and wiped her. “In fact,
you've been doing such a good job, I don't see why we need to tell your
aunt about this at all.”

“She'll know,” Lily mumbled.

With the exaggerated motions of a magician, Miss Anne revealed the face
of the dry pull-up that she had kept under her arm. It had the same
Cinderella design as the one Lily had been wearing.

Miss Anne grinned. “Will she know? If you can keep this one dry, I won't
say a word.”

Lily smiled at her teacher's kindness though she doubted the plan would
work. At least Miss Anne believed that she deserved real underwear, and
that was encouraging enough.

When they returned to the room, Betsaida no longer seemed anxious about
her doctor's appointment. Lily was glad to help. The rest of the morning
passed with quiet games and a short reading with Miss Anne. Though Lily
reached the restroom in time twice more with Miss Anne's help, the
possibility of wearing real underwear diminished in her mind until it no
longer woke any excitement. By the time Julia arrived, Lily had accepted
that she was going to wear a pull-up or worse when they visited her
father.

Lily waved to her friends, but Betsaida jumped to her feet.

“I almost forgot I made you a present!” Betsaida tore open her backpack
and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper. “I did a painting of you and
your dad.”

It wasn't the most flattering portrait, but tears welled in Lily's eyes
at the sweet thought. She threw her arms around her friend.

“Aw. What do you say, Lily?” Julia said.

“Thank you.”

“We might have to hang this on the fridge,” Julia said as she rolled up
the painting. ”I'm so happy you're her friend, Betsaida. Good friends
are important.”

Betsaida beamed as they walked away.

They found Gavin out at recess. Lily was dragged her feet all the way to
the car. She was glad for the second chance that Miss Anne tried to
offer her, but she was sure that Julia would count the pull-ups in her
backpack. Miss Anne was nice, but she wasn't a skilled enough liar to
get one over on Julia. While Lily climbed onto the back seat of the car,
Julia hovered at the door, and before Lily could buckle herself, Julia
grabbed the seat belt.

“Let's have a peek at Cinderella there, shall we?”

Julia lifted the hem of Lily's skirt. Lily was too shocked to move or
speak.

“Dry! Lily, I think you did it!”

Lily almost objected.

“Don't look so shocked,” Julia laughed. “Smile. I knew you could do it.”

“Good job,” Gavin said and held out his hand for a high-five.

Hesitantly, Lily obliged them both, but she couldn't stop wondering why
the check was so rushed. Julia hadn't even checked the inside, much less
Lily's backpack. Was this Julia's plan all along? Was this what she had
whispered to Miss Anne?

* * *

After shoes were removed at the front door, Julia sent Gavin off to
play, and she followed Lily to her bedroom to change.

Though Lily had been excited to wear real undies, the change made her
feel small. Like when Julia ripped her pull-up with little warning then
cleaned her with the same wipes she might use for a diaper change. It
wasn't any kind of transition at all.

“Go sit on the potty, sweetheart.”

Lily sat and peed. Julia met Lily in the bathroom, holding a pair of
panties with Princess Andromeda twirling her magic staff on the front.

“Before I give you these big girl undies, I want you to understand that
you're a big second grader now, Lily. You are going to have new
responsibilities whether you're living here or with your father.”

The words were different and the tone was sweeter, but Lily couldn't
help comparing Julia's speech to the one Selene received the week
before. So far as Lily could see, her responsibilities began and ended
with a pair of underwear. Yet even with the bar so low, she was afraid
she couldn't meet Julia's expectations.

Julia continued, “If you're wearing these, you can't ignore the timer.
You can't sit around an play when you need to go pee-pee or you'll make
a mess. Do you understand?”

Lily nodded. In Julia's imagination, Lily had so little understanding.
It was a pep talk for a toddler. Julia held out the thin cotton briefs,
and Lily step into them.

“Look at you, big girl,” Julia smiled proudly. “Now, come downstairs for
a surprise.”

Downstairs, Lily learned that Julia had secretly bought her a Princess
Andromeda sticker book. Julia explained that Lily would only be allowed
to do one page each day that she was dry. While Julia made lunch, Lily
helped the sticker version of Electra battle a hideous space beast in a
high school hallway. Aware of the cool wooden chair beneath her, Lily
felt nervous. If the timer had proved anything, it was that she leaked
and dribbled more than she'd truly known before. It didn't seem fair
that she could lose the right to underwear for something she couldn't
feel or predict, but she felt determined at the same time. When Julia
announced that lunch was ready, Lily declared that she would try to go
potty again despite the several  minutes remaining on the timer.

All through their lunch of turkey and avocado sandwiches, Lily remained
nervous. She'd grown aware of how often her emergency potty trips
happened during meals and snack time, and so she limited the sips she
took from her glass of apple juice. She was so distracted by her new
underwear that she nearly forgot about visiting Dad.

“Will we go see my daddy after lunch?” she asked.

“No, I'm sorry sweetheart. It turns out that we can't today.”

“Why?”

“There was an accident last night. A bad one. Your dad is recovering,
and we need to let him rest.”

“What type of accident?”

“Nothing to worry about,” Julia said without meeting Lily's eyes.

Lily was growing furious. She couldn't remember the exact words Julia
had said the night before, but it was plain that her aunt was hiding
something. The dismissive tone didn't match the shock and outrage her
aunt had expressed the night before.

“But you said it was a bad accident,” Lily said. “How do you know he's
going to be okay?”

“Of course he is, sweetie. We'll get to see him soon.”

“How soon? When?”

“Lily-” Julia began.

“I need to go potty!” Lily interrupted.

She ran for the downstairs bathroom, and without closing the door, she
sat on the toilet. She waited, but nothing happened. Her eyes burned
with rage, but she knew it would be too difficult to wage two battles in
one afternoon. She would have to pick one.

Julia was unwrapping popsicles for their dessert when Lily returned to
the table.

“Did you make it, sweetheart?”

Lily nodded. But when lunch was over and Gavin sent away, Julia made
Lily pull down her panties to prove they were still dry.

“Good job! Run along and play.”

Lily retreated to her room. After that close call and the humiliating
check, Lily knew her goal for the day. If Julia was ever going to let
her know about her father's health, Lily couldn't be a toddler in her
aunt's eyes. She would have to prove she was responsible enough to own
regular underwear again. Lily hated being so dependent on her aunt, and
she wished she knew how to drive - or even Selene. But she could only
control herself. It was a painful lesson - that her responsibilities
really were so limited - but at least with a little concentration this
plan had a chance.

For a while, Lily played with her dolls, but her heart wasn't in it. She
ended up laying on the floor, reading one of Selene's old books. She
constantly shifted her weight to find the position that put the least
amount of pressure on her bladder. Lily ignored the timer that afternoon
for a new reason: it wasn't alert enough to help. Every few pages in the
book, she took a trip to the bathroom, though most of the time nothing
happened. She was afraid the need would sneak up on her if she wasn't
vigilant.

The light shifted in Lily's room while she stared at a page, unable to
concentrate. A loud crack startled her. She turned to see Julia carrying
a load of laundry and leaning over to gather a few articles that must
have fallen when she bumped into the door. Lily's nerves started to
settle when she felt a new wetness in her underwear. She ran for the
toilet, but no more drops came. Back in the bedroom, the timer started
beeping. Lily heard Julia silence it before appearing at the open
bathroom door. Lily remained on the toilet though she didn't feel the
need any longer. Embarrassed, she slid off the toilet without flushing.

“You weren't too late, were you?” Julia asked.

She stopped Lily before the girl could pull up the panties.

“Uh-oh,” Julia said in a sing-song voice. “Go ahead and step out,
sweetie.”

As Lily obediently stepped out of the underwear, she glanced down and
the saw the stain. With a hand on her shoulder, Julia led her to the
bedroom.

“It was a good try, wasn't it? Let's just change back into pull-ups for
the afternoon. We can try again another day.”

Lily's head hung low while Julia helped her into a pair of princess
pull-ups. Between Ariel's gushing smile and her carefree hands splashing
at a wave, the mermaid seemed to be laughing at Lily. The panties were
everything she had feared. She had tried so hard with no effect. She
couldn't help but see the disaster as proof that she wasn't a big girl
at all, that all the praise she'd received was misplaced. She truly
deserved to be seven, and more, she preferred it. She wanted Julia to
solve her problems. She wanted the timer back. If it meant not feeling
responsible, she would even settle for diapers.

“Hey, cheer up, kiddo. You made it two hours without an accident. That's
pretty good, right?”

Lily faked a smile for her aunt. Only two hours? she thought. It had
felt like a lifetime.

* * *

Lily was drawing in her room when Selene came home. The teen headed
straight for the shower. Lily glanced at her timer nervously, and
considered whether she should go downstairs just to be closer to a
bathroom. But Selene was done in a matter of minutes.

Once Selene had changed, she came into Lily's room at sat on the bed
while she brushed her hair. “Did you see your dad earlier?”

“No. We weren't allowed.”

“Why?”

“Julia wouldn't tell me.”

“Huh,” Selene sat still for a moment. “I'll go find out.”

Selene left the brush at the foot of the bed. Lily couldn't concentrate
on her sketchbook anymore, so she walked to the top of the stairs. She
couldn't hear anything of the whispers below, but she knew Selene had a
better chance at getting answers. Lily returned to her room and sat on
her bed to silently wait.

When Selene came back, her eyes were red as if she'd been crying. “He's
okay. He's gonna be okay.”

“Why were you crying?”

“I had an eyelash in my eye,” Selene said.

Lily squinted at her cousin, but Selene turned away and quickly changed
the subject.

“Anyway, do you want to go to the park? Let's take Humphrey too this
time. Just let me get some shoes on.”

Lily wanted to protest. I can handle the truth. Selene didn't have to
protect her. But what did Lily have to bargain with? What effect did she
ever have on Selene? Even as stubbornness burned in her chest, Lily was
aware of the contradiction. Only an hour before she wished away all
responsibility. Which is it? Which was the real Lily?

Selene tapped on the door on her way out. “You should probably use the
bathroom first, huh? I'll meet you downstairs.”

  Chapter 21

Lily pawed at the air. “Mew mew.”

Betsaida held her palms to her cheeks in exaggerated fondness. “Aw, does
the baby tiger want some milk?”

“Mew mew!”

Betsaida lowered a toy bottle to her friend's lips, and Lily made
slurping sounds. Betsaida smiled at her, and Lily felt peace - as if a
thick forest had bloomed in her mind even before Betsaida pretended to
rescue her from the jungle. Every minute away from home, dark trees
bloomed and obscured the hills and valleys of her life. As they played,
amber needles blanketed the soft earth and buried Lily's footsteps.
Whether they played baby animals or a board game, the day seemed to have
no beginning, no end, and it took effort for Lily to think beyond the
moment, to peer through the branches. When she did - when a stray coil
of light fell across a memory of her father or the prickle of her damp
pull-up reminded her of Julia - Lily couldn't hold the thought. It
poured through her fingers like water. Betsaida had that affect on her,
and there, in her friend's room, Betsaida was her whole world.

Lily curled up against her friend's leg.

“Does the little kitty need a nap? I'll make you a nest.”

Lily cracked open an eye while her friend re-arranged blankets and
pillows. “Do you want a turn being the baby animal?” Lily asked.

Betsaida dangled a stuffed kangaroo mouse by its shoelace tail. “Up,
kitty.”

“Rawr!”

Lily leaped onto the bed, but Betsaida, laughing, yanked the mouse out
of reach. Lily swatted gleefully, but Betsaida kept moving the mouse.
Round and round Lily spun until bouncing on the bed seemed more fun than
capturing the mouse. Betsaida joined her, and the girls giggled.

Isabel called up in Spanish. Lily understood the warning tone and
immediately stopped bouncing. Betsaida stopped too.

“No, mama. We were looking for something under it.”

Betsaida slid off the bed, and Lily took the cue to do the same. They
paused and listened for footsteps, but they heard no further complaints
from downstairs.

With sudden enthusiasm, Betsaida jumped to her feet. “Let's make up a
dance routine!”

They charged down the stairs, and Betsaida turned on the TV. While she
flipped through the favorites on the family YouTube account, her mother
check on them. As she had many times that afternoon, Lily glanced at
Isabel to see if she could catch a glance of the baby bump.

“Do you know if your mom's having a boy or a girl yet?” Lily asked once
Isabel had left them alone again.

Betsaida shook her head. “Let's dance to this one.”

Lily didn't recognize the first song, but Betsaida already had a
routine. She tried to teach Lily, but by the second chorus Betsaida
changed her mind. Lily twisted her toe into the carpet while she waited.
Betsaida volunteered very little about the new baby in the two weeks
since she'd stayed the night at Grammy's. Lily decided to be direct.

“Is the baby going to sleep in your room?”

“I don't know. Lita might kick us out.”

“What? Where will you go?”

Betsaida shrugged. “Maybe mama will buy a car and we can live in that
again. Lita says we should go live with mama's other boyfriend, but I
don't think he's real.”

Lily didn't know what to say, and she hoped her friend had misunderstood
the adults. Lily's world couldn't place a grandmother who would kick her
grandkid out onto the street. It seemed improbable, but that didn't
reassure her. Knowing that she could be as wrong as Betsaida, Lily felt
small, useless - an increasingly familiar feeling. She wondered if
Betsaida ever experienced it, passing ghost-like through the adult
world. Lily wouldn't know how to guide her friend, but Betsaida spoke
with no fear, no feeling at all. She didn't seem to need Lily's help.

“Wait!” Lily held out her hand for the remote. “I know! Let me search
for something.”

Lily found a song from the Princess Andromeda movie, a scene where the
Star Maidens attended a concert just before a space beast appeared. Lily
wanted to thank her friend for introducing her to the show, to the whole
world of imagination Betsaida had unlocked within her. But Betsaida
didn't seem to need thanks either. Grinning with glee, she took Lily's
hand, and they danced and laughed like they had nothing could ever
trouble them.

* * *

When Lily asked Betsaida to teach her Spanish, she hadn't expected her
friend to turn it into a game. But there Lily sat among the stuffed
animals while Betsaida wrote on a tiny chalkboard.

“Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro...” Betsaida recited as she pointed to each
number.

“Cinco monitos,” Lily sang.

After a hundred times, the joke seemed to grate on Betsaida, but Lily
couldn't help herself even as her friend's eyes narrowed.

Isabel's voice bounded up the stairs. “Betsaida, Lily, come here.”

“But mama...”

“Don't you want to go swimming?”

The girls squealed. They nearly tripped over their own feet as they ran
down the stairs.

Isabel looked at them like they were crazy. “What are you doing? You
need swimsuits, right?”

“Oh yeah!” Betsaida said. “I forgot.”

“Actually, Lily I have a question for you. Bet, you go ahead and
change.”

Betsaida leaped up the stairs two at a time, and Lily was left to stare
at her friend's mother nervously.

“What kind of accidents do you have, nena?” Isabel asked.

“What?” For a moment Lily wasn't even sure what Isabel was asking. Did
she think Lily had hurt herself?

“Do you only pee or...?”

Lily's cheeks burned. “Only pee,” she mumbled.

“Aha, good. I didn't think to ask your uncle when he dropped you off.
Run along and change.”

Lily's face twisted in confusion. “Do I have to wear a pull-up in the
pool?”

“What? Don't be silly. Everyone pees in a pool sometime. But do try to
potty first anyway, okay?”

Lily giggled then ran for her backpack. After sitting on the toilet
uselessly, she threw her soaked pull-up into the trash before wiping and
slipping into her swimsuit. If the harsh bathroom light and stale smell
of the pull-up stirred any concern, the anxiety vanished the moment she
threw open the door and found her friend waiting for her.

* * *

Lily bounced on her toes. “Do you want to play baby dolphins? We can be
lost and have to look for our mommy.”

“You can.” Betsaida was sitting on the cement edge with her feet
dangling in the water.

Though they'd only been outside for a few minutes, Lily had already
discovered how boring it could be to swim alone. She splashed around in
a circle and tried to entice her friend into joining her.

“Help me, mommy. Help help!”

“No helping games,” Isabel said without looking up from her magazine.

Lily dipped underwater then surfaced near Betsaida. “It's not that cold.
Don't be a scaredy-cat.”

Without a word, Betsaida stood and stomped back into the house where she
slammed the screen door behind her. Guessing she had gone too far but
feeling slighted herself, Lily kept swimming for a while. She knew it
was rude, but so was Betsaida for leaving her alone. Lily glanced
occasionally at Isabel, who was wearing a wide-brimmed hat while reading
on a lawn chair, but Isabel said nothing about her daughter's departure.
An empty feeling grew in Lily's chest. Like the echoes of her motion
rippling through the water, Lily could sense there were tides sweeping
her friend along. She wanted to drag her friend to safety, but Lily
could only be a breath of air. She couldn't stop the current.

When Lily had enough of the pool, she dried off and returned to the
house to search for her friend to apologize. Betsaida wasn't in the
kitchen or living room or bedroom or anywhere that Lily looked. Poking
her head into every room as she went, Lily made her way up the stairs
and down again.

“Bet?” she called, but there was no answer anywhere.

Tears burned her eyes as panic squeezed her chest. At first she thought
her friend was playing a prank, but then she imagined Betsaida packing a
bag and running away. Bet could have beat her grandmother to the punch
and crossed the busy street for the parks and alleys of downtown
Wenahachee. Betsaida could be in terrible danger, and it was all Lily's
fault.

When Lily returned to the kitchen, her call still unanswered, she felt a
warm stream escape from her swimsuit and rush down her leg. Crying, she
stood, legs agape, and watched the puddle grow. She wondered how she
might hide the accident. Should she find paper towels before anyone saw?
Leave it and pretend that it wasn't her?  The ideas rushing through her
mind were too much. She needed help. So she ran outside, where Isabel
was still reading.

Isabel lowered her sunglasses. “You didn't, did you nena? Let's get you
cleaned up.”

With a hand on Lily's shoulder, Isabel led her to the bathroom attached
the kitchen. The woman told Lily to strip and sit on the toilet.

“I couldn't find Betsaida,” Lily cried. “I looked everywhere.”

“Why were you looking for her? You knew where the bathroom was.”

Lily shook her head. “She's gone. She ran away.”

“And leave you? No, I don't think so. She loves you too much for that.
She's probably just in her hiding spot.”

“Where's that?”

“It means she wants some alone time to cool off.”

“Why is she angry?”

“Who knows with her.”

Using a wet rag, Isabel cleaned the little girl then wrapped Lily's
bottom in a towel like a skirt. She hoisted Lily onto her hip and
carried her upstairs.

“Where's your bag?” she asked.

Lily pointed to the bathroom. Isabel put her down and helped her into a
dry pull-up.

“Doesn't Bet like swimming?” Lily asked while Isabel slid her dress over
her head.

Isabel sighed. “She likes the idea of it, I guess. She's a little afraid
of getting in the water though. You're a very good swimmer. Do you take
lessons?”

Lily nodded absently. Isabel took a fold of her dress to dry her cheeks.

“Why don't you head back into her room to play. Betsaida will find you
when she's ready.”

Even surrounded by toys, Lily didn't feel much like playing.  She took
her purple elephant out of her bag and sat on the floor with her legs in
a W. Her mind was empty but uneasy. Neither the dry pull-up nor the
elephant's soft fur were enough to calm her. Alone in a strange, silent
house, she wanted familiarity, and though she couldn't say why or how,
her body knew instinctively. She slid her thumb into her mouth. It
wasn't something she had done in a long time, but it still brought a
feeling of security. She hugged her elephant and sucked until she felt
safe. Calmed, she began playing with the stuffed animals who had
recently been her classmates - but she didn't yet let go of her thumb.
At first she merely re-arranged them in a semi-circle, but soon they
took turns performing tricks.

The circus was on its fourth or fifth act when the door moved and
revealed that Betsaida sat between it and the wall. She was still
wearing her bathing suit. Her toes pushed the door further away.

“I'm sorry,” Betsaida said. Her voice was hoarse as if she'd been
crying, though Lily hadn't heard a sound.

Lily tore the thumb from her mouth. “I'm sorry too.”

“What are you playing?”

“Circus.”

“Why is there a shark at the circus? Won't it eat the other animals?”

“It's a nice shark,” Lily mumbled. She still longed for her thumb, but
embarrassment kept it hidden.

Betsaida shook her head as she scooted closer. “Lily, sometimes you are
like a little kid.”

“I am not.”

“I mean it in a good way. Can I play too?”

Lily consented and was glad to have her friend's help for the trapeze
act. But she couldn't let go completely, an unsettled feeling weight on
her chest.

“Bet? Are you afraid of the water? I could teach you to swim.”

Betsaida glared at the floor. “You don't know everything.”

It wasn't the answer Lily wanted, but it was true. By the time they
forgot the stuffed animals and began playing dress up, both girls were
laughing again.

* * *

Once again Isabel's voice climbed the stairs. “Pizza's here! Girls, go
potty and wash-up.”

Betsaida cheered and grabbed Lily's hand, but Lily pulled her hand back.

“You go on down. I need to, um...”

“Oh. Yeah.” Betsaida hopped down the stairs alone.

In the privacy of the bathroom, Lily changed her pull-up. When she
opened the door she found Isabel waiting for her.

“Did you change already? Oh good. I was going to see if you needed
help.” Despite Lily's nod, Isabel checked her pull-up anyway. “You
washed your hands right?”

“Oops.” Lily climbed onto the step-stool and started the water.

“You know, I don't think Bet would handle your problem as well as you
do,” Isabel said.

“What do you mean?”

“Even if she needed them, I don't think I could ever get her to wear
training pants again.”

Lily didn't understand the point Isabel was trying to make. Her tone
sounded like a compliment, but who compliments someone for wearing
training pants? Lily shrugged the thoughts away.

When Isabel unveiled the pizzas downstairs, Lily was thankful that one
was ordinary pepperoni. Both Betsaida and her mother stacked their
plates with slices of the ham, jalapeño, and pineapple pizza, but Lily
didn't have the courage to try it. They carried their plates into the
living room, where a coffee table and pillows had been turned into a
table for the girls. Isabel let the girls pick the movie. Lily suggested
the Star Maidens movie again, but Bet wanted to browse the latest
additions before she settled.

They hadn't yet decided when Betsaida's abuelita and an old man entered
the house. Lita was smoking a cigar like the last time Lily had seen
her, and when she passed them she made a grumpy noise in her throat that
sounded like an angry goat. The old woman settled down at the kitchen
table, pushing pizza boxes out of the way and drawing an ash tray
closer. The old man lingered by the door as if he'd been discarded there
like a pair of wet shoes.

When Betsaida noticed Lily staring, she whispered. “That's my abuelo.”

Lita rose and poked her head outside the screen door. She closed it with
an angry clatter and began shouting in Spanish. Lily was surprised when
Isabel spoke back dismissively. Lita didn't seem any more pleased. Lily
shriveled into a ball, but her friend kept browsing through the
available movies.

“What are they saying?” Lily whispered.

“Lita is mad that mom let us go in the pool without another grown-up
here.”

“Are we not allowed in the pool?”

“Lita just doesn't trust my mom with kids.”

“What? Why?”

Betsaida didn't respond for a moment. The arguing continued. Both Lita
and Isabel made a show of storming toward the other, unafraid, but then
backed away as if bored of the argument. Lily couldn't understand a
word, but she could tell it was an old argument that only drove itself
in circles.

Betsaida leaned toward Lily to whisper. “How about The Littlest Unicorn?
Have you seen it?”

Lily shook her head. “It looks cute though.”

The argument quieted to a series of mutterings when the opening music
grew from a sparkling piano into a whole orchestra. Despite the title,
the littlest unicorn was more a companion to the main character, a
little girl named Anya who had to rescue her parents from a kingdom of
pig-like goblins who lived underground.

“I'm the unicorn,” Betsaida whispered once the two met onscreen.

Lily was fine being Sophia. She could relate to the way the other
villagers never listened to a word she said and made decisions without
her. The tiny unicorn didn't have any cares at all. She just used her
magic to get in and out of trouble whenever she wasn't eating or
sleeping. Though the Anya and the unicorn did rescue the kidnapped
parents and everyone returned to their old lives happy, Lily discovered
tears had been rolling down her cheeks.

“That was awesome!” Betsaida said. “Can we watch another movie, mama?”

“It's past bedtime, mi vida.”

“Please. We promise we'll go to sleep immediately if we can just watch
one short show.”

Lily didn't feel like one more anything. Her eyes hurt. Her pull-up was
cold and sticky. All of her joints ached from sitting in one position
for so long. Isabel must have noticed because she gently brushed Lily's
hair.

“Lily, are you crying?”

“I miss my daddy,” Lily sobbed before she knew what words were forming
in her throat.

“Aww, nena. You must be homesick. Come here.”

Isabel opened her arms wide, and Lily crawled onto her lap.

Betsaida scowled. “I don't want her to go home.”

“It just means she misses her family. You want to stay, right Lily?”

Isabel rubbed Lily's back. Betsaida stood nearby with clenched fists for
a moment until she too climbed onto her mother's lap. Lily didn't know
whether her friend wanted to comfort her or if Betsaida was merely
jealous. Either way, all three cuddled there on the couch and Isabel
stroked each girl's head.

“Are you sure we can't keep you forever, Lily?” Isabel whispered.

Lily shook her head.

“Maybe we can trade Betsaida for you on weekends.”

“Mama! No!” Betsaida laughed, but her protest had been a little to
quick, a little too loud.

Isabel laughed too, nervously. “Okay you two, bed time. Pajamas and
brush teeth.”

“We really can't watch one more?” Betsaida whined.

“It's past your bedtime. I let you stay up late enough as it is.”

Betsaida picked up her plate and cup. “But first we have to clean up so
Abuelita isn't mad. Then we have to put the pillows back.”

Isabel grinned. “Is my little girl all grown-up? Or is she just
stalling. Go ahead, little maid. Clean.”

When the girls couldn't find even one napkin left to clean up, they made
their sluggish way up the stairs.

“Oh dear, Lily,” Isabel said. “You leaked. Do you need any help cleaning
up?”

Lily remembered how gently Isabel had cared for her after their swim.
She nodded.

While Betsaida sat on the toilet, Isabel cleaned Lily with a wipe and
helped her into a dry pull-up. The damp dress went into a plastic bag
that was tied up and stuffed into a separate compartment of the
backpack. After Lily brushed her teeth, they laid out an air mattress
for her, and Isabel tucked them into bed. She sang them a pretty song in
Spanish, but it was over too soon. Isabel she turned off the bedroom
light and left the girls alone. From the mattress on the floor, Lily
could see thin shadows from the downstairs lights curve through the
hallway just beyond the door. She hugged her elephant.

“What was your favorite part of the movie?” Betsaida whispered.

“I liked when they made the cake,” Lily said.

“That was funny,” Betsaida agreed. “I liked when the goblins had dinner
and they were all burping and farting.”

“Ewww.” Lily grinned in the dark. “That was your favorite?”

Betsaida made a rude noise, and they both giggled.

“Girls.” Isabel's voice could be heard at the bottom of the stairs.

A while later, Betsaida whispered again. “Lily? What are you most afraid
of.”

Lily thought for a moment. “This is stupid, but my cousin Gavin is
afraid of a monster he calls the Buggagubba. I know it's not real, but I
actually heard something moving around in the hallway one night just
like he said.”

“That's lame.”

“No really. It might have been a raccoon in the house or something.”

“Or a vampire,” Betsaida taunted.

“I really heard something.”

They were quiet again.

“What are you most afraid of?

Betsaida didn't need to think. “Drowning.”

Lily was quiet, unsure what to say. “Hardly anybody really drowns.”

“My sister did.”

“Girls! Be quiet or I'll separate you. I mean it.”

Lily lowered her voice to a whisper. “Did you really have a sister?”

Betsaida didn't answer for a minute. “Sometimes you're like a little
kid.”

Lily sat up, confused. “So you're just pretending?”

But Betsaida didn't speak again, and soon Lily heard soft snoring coming
from the bed above. She hugged her elephant and listened to murmurs of
grown-ups down below.

* * *

Lily was awake but still in bed when she heard the front door opening
and closing several times the next morning. It was followed by the
bright noise of a kid's TV show began in the living room, and Lily heard
little feet climb the stairs and peek into the bedroom.

Betsaida didn't bother lifting her head from her pillow. “Go away,
Semele.”

“It's morning. Lita says you have to get up.”

“No she didn't.”

Betsaida threw a stuffed cow at her cousin, and the little girl left
them alone. But Betsaida and Lily were too awake to go back to sleep, so
they decided to find breakfast. Lita wouldn't let them take bowls of
cereal into the living room, so they ate quickly at the table. Isabel
joined them before they'd finished and groggily poured herself a cup of
coffee.

“Bet, don't forget your pill.”

She set a white pill in front of her daughter. Betsaida swallowed it
with a gulp of her cereal milk. When she and Lily hopped down to go
watch TV, Isabel followed them into the living room and caught Lily by
the arm.

“Lily, you need to change. Let's go.”

Lily could feel Semele's eyes on her as they climbed the stairs. In the
bathroom, her damp pajamas were thrown into another plastic bag and tied
up. Isabel was still wearing her own pajamas, and though it might have
been her imagination, Lily thought she could see the new roundness of
the woman's belly.

“Do you want a boy or a girl?” Lily asked.

“Either. But another boy in this house would be nice.”

“What will you name him?”

“I don't know. I need to ask the father.” Isabel patted her butt to send
her on her way.

After one episode of Membe Membe Mambo, the girls were sent to
Betsaida's room to play.

“Hissss,” said Semele as she flapped her arms.

“Oh no! A bat!” Lily squeaked.

“Hissss!” Semele shook her head. “Pretend I'm a dragon.”

Betsaida rolled her eyes. “But I wanted to play Barbies.”

“She can still be a dragon though, right?” Lily asked, searching for a
compromise before the argument exploded. “Maybe they have a pet
dragon.”'

“Like a cat-dragon,” Semele offered helpfully.

“Sure,” Lily said.

Betsaida and Lily's Barbies bought a new house and began to decorate it,
but Semele as a dragon kept stealing furniture and dolls. It was fun at
first, but Betsaida tone quickly revealed frustration. When Semele tried
to steal a Barbie-sized teddy bear from them, Betsaida grabbed onto it
and twisted it out of her cousin's hand.

“But I had it,” Semele whined.

Betsaida pulled her fist back as if she were about to punch the smaller
girl. Lily grabbed her friend's arm.

“Bet, remember to count. One thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine, nine
hundred ninety-eight...”

“Nine hundred ninety-seven, nine hundred ninety-six,” Betsaida continued
as the red drained from her face. “Nine hundred ninety-”

“Cinco monitos!” Lily shouted.

“That's not helping!” Betsaida laughed.

“Cinco monitos!” Semele echoed, though she looked confused.

* * *

Lily waved good-bye as Uncle Bob led her to the car. She was afraid
Betsaida might cry, but her friend was calm and grateful when the car
arrived to take Lily away. Everyone promised to do this again, and then
Lily was buckling herself in her seat. Before Bob could close her door,
Isabel ran up to them.

“I nearly forgot. She's on her last pair of training pants. I would have
made sure she was dry for the ride, but...”

“That's okay. We're headed straight home. Thank you again.”

Everyone waved all over again, and then Bob and Lily drove out of the
neighborhood and past the fleet of strip malls. Bob didn't have many
questions about the night, so Lily found her mind wandering toward the
inevitable question.

“Can we see my daddy today?”

“I'm afraid not, caterpillar. Maybe tomorrow.”

Once they were home, Julia didn't waste any time. She took the backpack
from Bob and checked its contents. Lily wished she had thought to enter
stealthily.

“Hold up, sweetie. Did you have fun?” Julia bent down and tugged back
Lily's waistbands.

Lily tried to ignore the invasive hand. Selene was sitting on the couch,
and she stared at them.

“We went swimming, and we watched Littlest Unicorn.”

“You'll have to tell me all about it. Run upstairs and potty. I'll be up
in a minute.”

Though she didn't feel the need, Lily sat on the toilet as she was
asked. She let her pull-up slide down her legs then shook to make it and
her pants fall to the ground. The pull-up was soaked, and there was no
way she was going to put the icky thing back on. After a minute, Lily
decided she'd sat long enough with no result, so she climbed off the
toilet, and leaving the pull-up on the bathroom floor, she skipped
toward her room. When Julia entered, she found a half-dressed Lily
celebrating a birthday party with her plastic ponies.

“Stand up,” Julia asked. She knelt to inspect Lily, turning the girl
about. “You're a little red, sweetie. Do you feel sore?”

Lily glanced down at herself, but all she felt was the fresh air. Julia
laid a towel out on the bed. Lily wanted to keep playing until Julia was
ready for her, but tug by tug, regret for the things she'd done stole
her desire to play. Of course Julia would know about her accidents at
Betsaida's house, she realized. Just like she would find the pull-up on
the bathroom floor. Lily glanced across the hall, but remembering her
naked bottom half, she stayed still. The pony fell out of her hand.

“Did Bet's mom help you at all?” Julia continued. “I should have known
you would have too much fun to notice. Up on the towel please.”

“But I did notice.”

“I don't know that that's true, Lily. You used every single pull-up I
sent with you, and you still leaked twice.”

Julia held out her arms, but Lily pushed passed her aunt to climb onto
the bed by herself. When Lily had settled, Julia squirted a strong
smelling cream onto her fingers. Lily jerked reflexively, expecting the
cream to sting. She whimpered while Julia held her legs still and
applied the cream. The discomfort brought her deeds into focus, and the
guilt fueled Lily's contrarian impulse. She knew there was more at stake
than taking the blame for a few wet pull-ups. Julia didn't accept that
she could do anything on her own, and in that moment, Lily hated that
aspect of her aunt.

Lily's Rules of Lying Rule #?
...?

Lily ran through her rules, but she there was nothing in them to help
her convince Julia of the truth. And what was the truth? That she had
knowingly sat in wet pull-ups the entire sleepover. Lily didn't want
Julia to know that.

After wiping her hands clean, Julia reached over to brush Lily's cheek.
“What's wrong, sweetheart? Do you miss your friend? It must be hard to
come home after all that excitement.”

Lily nodded. Maybe that was it. She was overreacting. Maybe she was just
bored. She had left her toys on the floor after all, and where was her
purple elephant? Besides, Julia was about to diaper her anyway, right?
Lily wouldn't have to worry about anything the rest of the day. She
could play and relax.

Julia opened Lily's dresser. “I thought we could try our experiment
again today. Since overall you were having such a good week.” Julia
turned around and help up a pair of Princess Andromeda panties.

Lily nearly cried, but it didn't stop Julia from helping her into the
underwear and a new pair of pants. Her aunt held her hand down the
stairs, and Lily fought tears and the urge to tear her hand away, to
tear off the panties and throw them on the ground. No no no was all her
aunt ever said to her. She never asked what Lily wanted.

“Do you want to help me make lunch?”

Lily didn't believe the question at first. “What are we having?”

“That's what we need to figure out. Open the refrigerator and read me
all the sliced cheeses we have.”

Lily read the cheeses, cataloged the sliced meat, checked the bread box,
and counted the eggs. Julia washed dishes the whole time.

“Great job, helper. Looks like we're having omelets. Sound good?”

“Can I mix the eggs?”

Julia's phone rang, and when she saw the number, she guided Lily out of
the kitchen by the shoulder. “I'm need to put lunch on hold sweetie. I
do have a surprise for you though.”

Julia directed Lily to a chair at the dinner table where the Princess
Andromeda sticker book waited. The sight filled Lily with joy at first,
until she remembered the book was supposed to be a reward for staying
dry. Was Julia breaking her own rules? Julia had answered the phone by
then and had left for another room. Lily's questions dissolved as she
began happily applying stickers. On a double-page spread of a bubble-gum
hued ballroom, Lily paired each Star Maiden with space beast dancing
partners. Princess Andromeda herself swung from the arms of a spider
with eight glowing eyes in its abdomen instead of a head.

Julia was still gone when Lily finished, so instead of closing the book
like she was supposed to, she started a second page. That's when Lily
felt a hot burst fill her panties. It felt so unlike a wet pull-up that
Lily wasn't immediately sure what had happened or how to react. She felt
it spread under her curled legs and run to the edge of the chair. She
glanced around to be sure no one saw and considered her choices. If she
ran to the bathroom, she might get the carpet wet. But Selene was in the
living room and might come first if she called for someone. Maybe, Lily
decided, she should pretend she didn't even know. Besides, Julia would
just take away the sticker book, and Lily wanted to finish at least one
more page.

Lily was nearly done with a third page when Uncle Bob passed by.

“How's it going, caterpillar? he asked before his tone sharpened.
“Lily!”

Bob's voice stung, but not as much as his hand gripping her upper arm.
He yanked her off the chair, but Lily wasn't prepared to stand. Her foot
caught on the back of the chair and brought it down with her as she
crumbled to the floor with her arm twisted in Bob's hand. She heard a
loud crack in her shoulder then bolts of pain shot through her arm and
neck. Bob was still holding her arm, though his grip had slipped.

Lily heard herself cry uncontrollably. “Daddy!”

Julia rushed into the room. “What happ- Oh Jesus.”

“I didn't mean to-” Bob began.

Julia cut him off. “Bathroom. Bathroom. Carry her to the bathroom.”

Bob carried Lily through the living room and toward the downstairs
bathroom.

“What's wrong?” Selene asked as they passed.

“How long was she sitting like that? The girl is going to get a goddamn
UTI.” Julia started to tug Lily's shirt over her head.

“Stop it! Julia, stop! Her arm. We need to fix her arm.”

“What are you going to do? Pop it back in?”

“Isn't that what you do?”

“I don't know. Do you?”

Bob bent Lily's elbow and began to rotate her arm. Spasms of pain
coursed through Lily's body. She lost all sense of up and down. She
collapsed into Bob's chest, but he held her upright, firmly but gently.

“Shhh,” he whispered.

“Bob, don't fuck with her arm!” Julia reached over, but Bob blocked her.

“What happened?” Selene repeated, terror creeping into her voice.

“We need to clean her,” Julia insisted.

Bob shook his head as he continued to rotate Lily's arm ever so slowly.
“She's in pain. We can't leave her like this.”

Lily felt her arm pop again. A part of her, detached and floating,
expected another jolt of pain, but it never came. She could still hear
her voice, wailing, sobbing, calling for her father.

“Is she going to be okay?” Selene asked.

Bob was hushing her, and talking sweetly. “Lily, you need to calm down,
honey. Can you move your fingers?”

“I can't,” Lily said automatically.

“Deep breaths. I need you to try, Lily.”

“I can't!”

Bob looked up at Julia. “I'm going to take her to the emergency room.
Get a bag ready?”

“Let me give her a quick shower.”

“Jesus, Julia. There's no time.”

“You can't walk into the emergency room with someone else's little girl
covered in her own piss and a diaper rash. We need to clean her off and
get her dressed properly.”

Lily bawled the entire time Julia used the shower head to clean her
legs. The water was freezing.

  Chapter 22

The tall windows cast crossword-shadows on row after row of empty
plastic seats in the emergency room lobby, and the afternoon light
washed-out a muted cable news program. The hospital wasn't terrifying at
all, contrary to Lily's memory. Only when the double doors behind the
desk opened could Lily catch glimpses of the noise and harsh lights
beyond. Every time those doors rattled, Lily feared a doctor would call
her inside, but Bob was still speaking with the receptionist.

The woman behind the desk had pursed her lips. “Okay, she's in the
system. Had an appointment with Dr Robertson a few weeks ago, yes?”

“Yeah, vaccinations.”

“Hm. I don't see a record of that. And you said you're her uncle?”

“Yes, she's staying with us. Her father was inpatient here then was
transferred to Wells.”

The woman typed in short bursts. Bob tapped a finger on the desk but
stopped when the woman gave him an annoyed glance.

“So are you able to treat her?” Bob asked.

“The doctor won't be able to prescribe any medication without a legal
guardian.”

“That's understandable. But she will see a doctor?”

“Someone will examine that shoulder, yes. Go ahead and have a seat.
We'll call you when it's time.”

Lily clutched her hand to her chest in the least uncomfortable position
she could find, but every step sent new jolts of pain through her arm
and chest. She tucked one leg under her and let the other swing free
below the uncomfortable plastic seat.

Bob sat beside her. “You're being very brave. I'm proud of you.”

A small thrill hummed in Lily's mind. She did feel brave. Despite the
pain and fear, she didn't feel tears pooling, nor did she miss her
elephant or the other comforts of her seven-year-old life. She glanced
at Bob, but he seemed oblivious to the fact that the girl next to him
had suddenly turned twelve. Fearing she might lose the lie altogether,
Lily tried to summon the pain of abandonment when she'd lost Betsaida,
but she couldn't conjure up so much as a lump in her throat. A dull,
calm feeling had settled like a layer of dust over her every thought.
Lily wondered if this was how being an adult felt, whether seven was
gone forever or if the little girl had just turned invisible in the
light like the faces on the television.

For a few minutes the lobby was silent, but a family rushed through the
doors with a small boy who cried that his head hurt. The receptionist
didn't hold them up at all, and a nurse came with a wheelchair to take
the boy into the emergency room immediately.

“We were here first,” Lily whispered. “Why did they go before us?”

“It's weird, but waiting at the emergency room is usually a good sign,”
Bob whispered back. “It means your problem isn't so bad, all things
considered.”

“It feels bad.” Lily's head never ached the way her shoulder did, like
it might fall off at the slightest touch.

Bob brushed her hair. “We'll get help soon, caterpillar.”

Lily leaned against her uncle's shoulder. Seven or not, dust or not, she
could appreciate feeling safe and loved. Bob watched the silent TV, and
Lily watched the dust float through the golden light.

When the TV switched to commercials, Bob stretched his arms. “Do you
think you could eat something?”

They approached a row of vending machines at the far end of the lobby.
Lily asked for candy, but Bob asked her to choose between the packaged
pastries. She picked the little chocolate donuts. Bob chose a cinnamon
bun and a candy bar to share. When they sat down again, Bob had to open
Lily's donuts for her. She hadn't considered how hard it might be to eat
with one hand, but thankfully the donuts were bite-sized. Lily had
finished everything but her grape juice when a police officer approached
them.

“Hi there, Bob.” The officer had a salt-and-pepper beard. Lily couldn't
help but stare at the way his belly folded over his belt.

“Hi George. How's softball this year?”

“Had to back out because of the knee. Getting old.”

“Aren't we all.”

The officer took out a notepad and a pen. “I need to ask you a few
questions. Just routine stuff. You understand, right? The hospital has
to flag anything unusual with children involved.”

“That's fine.” Bob laid his wrappers aside in an empty seat and
straightened his back.

The officer started writing before he asked the first question. “What's
this about the girl then?”

“She's our niece, my brother-in-law's daughter. David Darling. He's
hospitalized from a bad fall, but...” Bob glanced down at Lily before
continuing. “He's inpatient at Wells currently. She's been staying with
us for a few weeks now.”

“She hurt her shoulder at your house?”

“Our house, yes. She had an accident, and I overreacted. I tried to pull
her to the bathroom, and her shoulder just gave out. She has the same
genetic condition as her father, and I just forgot she's so delicate.”

“You said she had an accident? Fell down? Cut herself?”

“No, she wet her pants. It's been, uh, stressful, between her dad
and...”

“And Edith, right.” The officer wrote more in his notepad.

“Like I said, I overreacted, pulled her off a chair. She's
hyper-flexible, so everything just kind of pops out of place.”

“You still live on Schilling?”

“Yes.”

“I think I have enough for today. Someone will stop by to follow-up in
the next week.”

“Thanks, George. And I'm sorry about Sally Ann.”

George chuckled. “What can you do, eh?”

Once George had walked away, Lily turned to her uncle and whispered.
“Who's Sally Ann?”

“An old lady. I represented her. The city made a mistake, and she won a
settlement against them.”

“How does a city make a mistake?”

“A police officer said something he shouldn't have.”

That Bob didn't say more reminded Lily of her father. Though they shared
almost everything, he rarely talked about his job with her. When Dad
still worked, he often dismissed it as complicated or boring when Lily
asked. She wondered which was the case for Bob, and she received her
answer when Bob leaned in to clean Lily's lips with a napkin. That
glimpse into Bob's thoughts proved he couldn't tell she was twelve
inside at all, but she could also see, calmly and clearly, that he cared
for her.

“How are you holding up?” Bob asked.

Lily frowned. “It still hurts.”

“I meant your pull-up? Do you need to go potty?”

In the serenity of the lobby, Lily had forgotten what she was wearing,
but Bob drew her attention to the irritating damp feeling. Nervous drips
of pee had been escaping constantly since they left the house. “I don't
know,” she said.

“Why don't we-”

Before Bob could finish, a nurse pushed a wheelchair toward them. “Lily
Darling? Let's head on back.”

* * *

Inside a curtained-off section of the emergency room, Lily discovered
that being admitted didn't mean she was going to receive treatment in a
hurry. A nurse did come to check her vitals and feel her shoulder,
bringing new bolts of pain. After she'd gone, Lily lay back on the
gurney and tried not to move. The crying, groans, and strange mechanical
sounds of the emergency room made it difficult to hold onto twelve. She
could feel the seven-year-old shiver under her skin. Bob brushed her
hair occasionally, but his touch only made Lily more jittery. The
clarity of the sunlit lobby had fled, replaced by a slow-burning panic
fueled by the stinging lights on every machine.

Lily jumped when the nurse returned to speak with Bob. “The doctor
ordered her an x-ray. The technicians are a little backed up, but we'll
get her in there as soon as possible.”

The nurse disappeared through the curtains again. Lily wondered whether
the invisible doctor had ordered the x-ray while watching her through a
hidden camera. She glanced around the room, but her imagination found
nothing to inspire it. Bit by bit, the formerly frightening machines and
plastic-wrapped supplies turned dull and ordinary. Like a bubble
bursting, Lily felt her panic give way to boredom. She wished she had
brought something to play with.

Bob continued brushing her hair. “I spy with my little eye something
that is...  gray.”

Lily winced and turned her head toward him. “Everything.”

She meant it seriously, but Bob laughed. “You're doing wonderful,” he
said. “How's the shoulder?”

“It only hurts when I breathe.”  She smiled weakly.

“I'm sorry to put you through this. At least we still aren't on the top
of their list, huh?”

The thought gave shape to Lily's panic, and the seven- and
twelve-year-olds spoke with one voice. “Dad was, wasn't he?”

Bob cupped the hand that wasn't clinging to her chest. “He was pretty
high up.”

“Isn't he better yet? Why can't I ever see him?” Anger clouded her
vision, and Lily was helpless against the fear and anxiety that
surfaced. She wished she hadn't thought of her father. She wished she
was only pretending to be that scared little girl that Bob saw.

Bob squeezed her hand. “Some things take a long time to heal.”

Lily cried until her eyes were dry again.

Bob shifted in his chair. “We never did check that pull-up, huh?”

Lily shook her head.

“I'm going to have to help. Is that okay? Or do you want me to call a
nurse?”

Lily couldn't bear to think of the stranger changing her. “You do it,”
she said quietly.

Bob didn't move. Lily worried that he hadn't heard her, but eventually
he rose and lowered the top of her leggings to check her pull-up. He was
slower than Julia. Lily whimpered in pain when lifting her bottom off
the bed put weight on her shoulder. Bob slid the new pull-up into place
and whispered reassurances.

“There you go. Snug and dry. Just one more lift. Are you ready, brave
girl?”

Lily nodded. She liked it when he called her brave. It made her feel
big.

Bob unrolled the leggings, but the nurse returned he even slipped them
over Lily's feet. She seemed surprised for a moment, but her eyes
quickly returned to their dull color.

“Leave the tights off. We need to dress her in a gown. Can you help?”

“Sure. Uh, is there anywhere I can throw this?” Bob held up the wet
pull-up.

“There's a waste can behind you.”

They helped Lily dress in the thin hospital gown, and soon two nurses
pushed Lily, bed and all. She was afraid they wouldn't let Bob come,
just as she hadn't been allowed to follow Dad, but Bob walked along
beside the gurney and smiled down at her. He held her hand while they
waited outside the radiology room.

“You'll have to be in the room alone while they do the x-rays. Have you
had x-rays done before?”

Lily shook her head.

“You won't feel a thing. Just like a photograph. It's not going to hurt
at all.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“They just want your photo, not mine.”

Bob smiled, but Lily couldn't smile back. Her stomach dropped when the
nurse wheeled her in. The technician helped transfer her onto the bed of
the x-ray machine. Lily had expected the glow-in-the-dark curtain of
cartoons, but the machine was just another dull plastic bed with a robot
arm sticking out of its side.

“Try to lie still,” the technician said as he strapped her down.

Bob wiped away her tears and reassured her. Lily tried to ask him to
stay again, but her throat only whimpered. Then everyone but Lily
disappeared into a tiny room with a window. She turned her head to watch
them, but she couldn't quite see Bob through the glare on the glass. She
imagined the machine breaking, the glass shattering, a hundred disasters
that might leave her alone and abandoned.

The technician's voice came out of a speaker on the wall. “Almost ready,
Lily, but I need you to keep your thumb out of your mouth for a couple
of minutes. Can you try for me?”

Lily pulled her thumb out. Her cheeks burned, and she wondered how long
she'd been sucking it. But stranger still was the thought that Bob
hadn't said anything at all.

* * *

Lily didn't meet the doctor until minutes before they left. She'd
already chosen a pink sling and listened as she was told to avoid
activity with that arm for a week. The doctor repeated the same
warnings, but unlike the nurse, he directed the information to Bob as if
Lily wasn't even there. When Lily tried to ask a question, she found her
thumb in the way. That time she didn't remove it until Bob helped her
down onto the floor and asked for her hand.

They were heading out the door when Lily finally had the courage to stop
and ask a question she'd harbored all afternoon. “Isn't this where we
saw my Dad? Can't we go visit him?”

Bob hesitated. “I'm sorry, caterpillar. He's in a different hospital
right now. The visiting hours there are, well, weird.”

“Why are they weird?”

“They just are.”

Lily felt defeated. After all his “brave girl” comments, Bob still
didn't trust her with the truth. It was her right as to know what was
happening to her own father, but more than that, she needed to see her
him. She felt like she was collapsing without him. Bob and Julia must
see that, but the lie was too powerful. Even Lily had been swallowed
whole by it, and it left her with an impossible task. She wanted to
prove herself to them, to show them her real self, but she couldn't
focus to plan. In that moment all she truly craved was her purple
elephant. She knew the toy couldn't help, that it would only hurt, but
she didn't have the strength to steer her heart.

At the car, Bob buckled Lily into her seat when he saw her free hand was
busy. He settled into the front seat, and after lowering the windows, he
checked his phone.

“Oops. Julia texted while I had no reception. She wanted to see if we'd
be home for dinner. Hm. What do you say, Lily? Burgers, just you and
me?”

Just the two of them. It sounded so mature when he said it like that,
like a secret. Yet it also reminded her of her father without stirring
up new tears. Joy bounded through her heart as she felt clarity and
purpose returning. She could be big again. She could take control.

Lily nodded eagerly and smiled around her thumb.

* * *

When they returned to the Bauers' everyone was full of sympathy and
questions, and Lily glowed under the attention. She had to ask for help
whenever she wanted a drink or anything that required two hands, but
everyone was cheerful and eager to assist her. Lily could almost forget
the pain in her shoulder until Julia made her remove the sling to change
into her pajamas near bedtime. As Julia tucked her in, Lily was afraid
the pain would keep her up all night, but after a long day's stress, she
fell asleep as soon as the lights were off. When morning came, Lily,
still groggy from sleep, began to resent the attention which seemed to
sap her independence further. She struggled while Julia helped her dress
for the day, chaffing at the idea that her outfit was cute, and she felt
dismayed to see her pancakes pre-cut into little bites for her. Lily
finally had enough when Julia took a napkin to her mouth  after
breakfast.

“I'm not a baby.” Lily turned her head away, but immediately regretted
her choice of words.

Julia held her chin still. “I know, sweetie. You just had a little syrup
on your face.”

Julia's remark didn't help anything. Unsure what to do, Lily lingered at
the table while Julia cleared the plates. Julia must have sensed her
mood, because she paused to brush Lily's hair mid-clean.

“What's wrong, angel?”

Julia's eyes looked so sad that Lily's vanished. She knew her
stubbornness hurt her, but it was apparent she had hurt her aunt as
well. Lily knew then that she'd been looking at her problem backwards.
She did need help. She couldn't be twelve on her own. Julia and Bob
couldn't replace her father, but she could rely on them the same as she
relied on the timer.

“Can I help you wash the dishes?”

“That's very kind of you to ask. Sure, I think we can find a way.”

Despite having to stand on a step-stool to reach the sink, Lily was
thrilled to help. The chore wasn't quite the burden that Lily remembered
from being twelve. Julia made it fun to play with the suds and spray
nozzle, calling for Lily to “get 'em” when a spot was being stubborn.
Lily wasn't able to scrub well, but she sprayed dishes and made sure
every bit of food run dawn the drain toward the garbage disposal. Once
Lily had rinsed them, she handed each dish to Julia, who arranged them
in the dishwasher.

“Aunt Julia, why do we have to rinse the dishes before you put them in
the dishwasher?”

“The machine doesn't always get the sticky stuff completely. And it'll
clog up if we push too much solid chunks of food through it. Did you
have fun swimming?”

“Mhm. But Betsaida's afraid of water.”

“Why do you say that?

“She wouldn't get in the pool with me.”

“Did something happen that made her afraid?”

Lily remembered her friend's bedtime confession. She didn't know whether
to believe that Betsaida lost a sister to drowning. For one, Betsaida
never mentioned it before and neither had her mother. Lily didn't think
being gullible would help her case, so she didn't repeat the story for
Julia. “I dunno,” she said at last, feeling disappointed by the truth.

Between the running water and her wet hands, Lily shouldn't have been
surprised when her bladder awoke, but she nearly dropped a glass. “I
need to go potty!”

Lily ran to the bathroom, where she hooked the thumb of her good hand
into the waistbands of her jeans and pull-up. She knew better than to
even try the button or zipper. Inch by inch, she tugged on one side then
the other, but the tight fabric and her potty-dance made the process
slow. Lily squeezed her knees together, but she couldn't halt the flow
in progress. She was still struggling when her bladder finished. The
pull-up drooped, sticking to her thighs where her pee had splashed all
over the inside of her pants.

Tears came hot and fast, and she couldn't help but bawl. “Juliaaaa!”

Julia came immediately. She removed Lily's wet jeans but slid the icky
pull-up back up. “It's alright, sweetheart,” she cooed.

“I couldn't do the button,” Lily whined.

“Shhh. You tried. It must be hard with one arm, huh? That's my fault. I
really should have thought of that.”

When Julia finished wiping Lily's legs, Lily held up her good hand in
the hope that her aunt might pick her up, but Julia took the hand and
led the wet girl up the stairs.

Inside the bedroom, Julia stopped to brush Lily's cheeks. “I think you
deserve a break today. What do you say?”

Lily nodded. Any rebellion within her had been flushed away the instant
the accident began. Julia was right. Lily just needed a little break.
She Lily couldn't be the big girl she needed to be if a little pee could
reduce her to that bawling kid. Julia laid down the towel, and Lily
climbed into position. She watched her aunt gather the supplies and
tried to focus on the promise of a dry diaper. But her soaked pull-up
itch, and a promise wasn't comfort enough. She fought the impulse that
moved her thumb toward her mouth. That couldn't help anything.

“Don't be sad, love.” Julia held the purple elephant over Lily. “Here
you go. Your elephant knows how hard you tried. She's very proud of
you.”

Lily pulled the stuffed animal toward her face and snuggled a fuzzy ear.
She knew finding comfort in a toy was as babyish as finding it in her
thumb, but it would be silly to refuse her own favorite elephant.

Julia tore loose the pull-up. “Is it a she? Did you ever pick a name for
your elephant? A special friend like that deserves a name.”

Julia was right, but before Lily could pick a name, the change was over.
Though the pull-up had only been wet for a short time, the dry, snug
diaper made a world of difference. Lily felt confident and ready to try
impressing Julia again. But when she sat up, that confidence leaked into
the extra padding. How was she supposed to be big if she was wearing a
diaper?

Julia returned the supplies to the dresser then helped Lily into a much
looser pair of pants. “Do you want to help me some more in the kitchen?”

Lily nearly hugged her aunt. Thankful for the second chance, she was
glad to know her aunt believed in her. Dragging her elephant behind her,
Lily followed her aunt downstairs. Julia asked the elephant to wait on a
chair while Lily helped wipe down the table and the kitchen counter.
That was easy enough to do one-handed so long as Julia helped catch the
crumbs. But when Julia filled a measuring cup with water for Humphrey's
water bowl, the heavy glass tilted and Lily spilled some on the kitchen
floor.

“Careful, dear... Oh well, we need to clean the floor anyway. I'll wipe
that up if you go get the broom.”

A broom was difficult to control one-handed, so Julia put Lily in charge
of the dustpan. After Humphrey heard Lily touch his water dish, the dog
came to investigate what was happening in the kitchen. While Lily
scooted across the floor, he followed and pressed his cold nose into her
bare arms.

“Stop,” Lily giggled.

Squatting and crawling to chase Julia's piles of dirt, Lily was
conscious of the diaper, which felt stiff in a way her pull-ups never
did. She knew her giggling probably caused trickles of pee to escape,
but she couldn't feel a drop. It was easier to feel big and in control
if she wasn't so conscious of being wet.

When Humphrey gave up on Lily, he turned his attention to the stuffed
animal sitting at the table. First he licked the purple elephant's toes
then tugged it off the chair and growled as he shook the enormous doll
with his tiny head.

“Humphrey, you leave Amelia alone!”

Julia laughed in the kitchen. “Is that her name? Amelia Elephant?”

“Yes! Humphrey's chewing her ears.”

“Find something he's allowed to chew on.”

Lily searched the floor for one of Humphrey's toys when she felt a
rumble in her belly. She ran into the kitchen and tugged her aunt's
shirt. “Aunt Julia, I need to poop.”

Julia stopped to help Lily out of her new leggings. “Go on upstairs.
I'll meet you in the bathroom.”

With the babyish print of the diaper exposed, Lily hoped Selen and Gavin
wouldn't see her run as fast as she could to the bathroom. Hiding her
lower half behind the door, she poked her head outside the to see if
Julia had followed to help with the tapes. Lily tried to be patient, but
her mind replayed the scene at the family reunion when she had waited to
long. She closed the bathroom door fully and, with some effort, tore the
diaper loose.

Once she had finished, she called for mer aunt more quietly than she had
after her accident. When her aunt didn't seem to hear, Lily called
again, a little louder, until waiting felt foolish. She knew how to
clean herself. She had done it a million times before. As best she could
with one hand, Lily wiped and washed her hands. She left the damp diaper
lying on the floor of the bathroom and decided to wait in her bedroom
where she could play until Julia was ready. Crossing the hallway, Lily
heard Julia coming up the stairs.

“Good job, big girl,” Julia chirped. “Did you make it on time? I'm so
proud of you.”

Lily blushed as Julia handed over Amelia Elephant. She followed her aunt
into the bedroom and laid down for her second change.

“Was Amelia born in the jungle?” Julia asked.

“Yes,” Lily said. “Poachers killed her family.”

“Oh dear. How did she make it to the United States?”

“She swam the whole way. Her best friend is an orca, and she showed her
how to get here.”

Julia smiled and asked more questions. Before Lily realized it had
started, the change was over. Once the final tape was in place, Julia
tickled Lily's belly.

Julia poked Lily's belly one final time. “Someone has a surprise for
you.”

Giggling, Lily turned her head to see Selene waiting at her door. She
held a box with Barbie hair and limbs poking out of the top.

“I found these in my closet,” Selene said. “My old Barbies. I haven't
even looked at them in ages.”

“Thank you,” Lily said though she wasn't sure how to interpret the gift.
Was it a test? A trap?

“I'll let you two play then,” Julia said. Winking at Selene, she mouthed
the words “thank you.”

Lily helped Selene unpack the dolls and a million tiny, sparkling
outfits. She was speechless at how Selene sat on the floor with her, not
quite playing but certainly not acting as serious and teen-like as she
had in the past few weeks.

Selene held up a doll with East Asian features. “Grandma Bauer was so
made when I bought this one.”

“Why?” Lily asked.

“I think I always called her Jasmine,” Selene said without answering.

“Did you name all of them?”

“Oh jeez, they all had weird names like Desdemona, Esmeralda. I'm sure I
changed my mind every week. Mostly I just made them kiss.” Selene picked
up two dolls and pushed their immobile lips together.

The effect of two naked dolls touching each others' faces unblinking was
anything but romantic, and Lily laughed. “Ew. That's gross.”

“I guess I just wasn't into fashion.” Selene laughed too. “Do you play
Barbies with your friends?”

“Sometimes. We make up plays and stuff.”

“Show me.”

Lily stared at Selene. On the one hand, it seemed like a little kid game
and Lily knew she should be striving for better, bigger games. But if
Selene was willing to play too, she mused, it must not be too little
after all. Lily gave in and the cousins had fun together, laughing all
the while. With one hand, Lily couldn't change the dolls' clothes any
better than her own, but Selene seemed happy to help until Julia
interrupted them.

“Selene? Phone. It's Rachel.”

Selene stood. “I'll be right back.”

Julia knelt beside Lily. “What were you two up to, huh?”

“We're writing a play,” Lily said, trying to put a bigger spin on their
play.

“What's it about?” Julia asked.

“It's, um, a play about summer camp.”

Julia reached between Lily's legs to feel her diaper. “Is it a special
summer camp? Let me guess: volleyball?”

Julia was still talking with Lily when Selene returned. The teen leaned
against Lily's door while she tied a sneaker. “I'm headed to Rachel's.”

Lily set her Barbie down. “Can I come too?”

“Oh, um, sorry, Lily, but it'd probably be boring for you. Rachel's just
going to complain about her boyfriend.”

“Oh.” Lily sank down into the carpet.

“We'll take good care of your dolls,” Julia said.

“Laters!” Selene waved.

Julia brushed Lily's hair. “Do you want to help me weed the backyard?
Yeah? Let's pick up these Barbies first.”

Julia was more organized about putting the Barbies back into the box.
She asked Lily to find matches for all of the clothes, though quite a
few were missing. Lily was simply excited to spend more time with her
aunt. They seemed to be getting along better, and Lily credited her
success with the timer and other attempts to win Julia's trust.
Everything was finally coming together, and she didn't even have to
admit she'd lied at all.

“Maybe we can take a few dog treats, and you can train Humphrey. He
hasn't been listening to anyone. Sound good? Alright. Here's one of your
shoes, but where's it's twin?”

“It's in your other hand,” Lily laughed.

Julia dropped the shoe behind her back and grinned. “What? I don't see
it anywhere. Are you lying to me Lily Eliza?”

* * *

From the car to the main hall of Broadmoor, Lily skipped every step. She
couldn't wait to show Miss Anne her sling, but when she walked up to her
teacher's door, she found it closed and locked.

Miss Ashley called down the hall. “Lily can stay with Gavin and me
today. Do you want to be my helper, Lily?”

Julia gave Lily a gentle push. “That sounds fun, doesn't it?”

“Where's Miss Anne?” Lily asked. Being Miss Ashley's helper was the
perfect chance to prove how big she could be, but she was nervous that
she couldn't pull it off while wearing the sling.

“Miss Anne's home sick. So what do you say? Be my special helper?”

“What can I do first?”

Julia gave Lily another gentle push. “Go on in and have a look around,
sweetheart. Gavin can show you where everything is. I need to talk with
Miss Ashley.”

Julia handed Miss Ashley Lily's bag, and the two whispered outside the
door while Lily followed Gavin into the room. Lily considered plans for
making the most of the opportunity. She could use both hands if she
waited for Julia to leave and told Miss Ashley that Jesus healed her
arm, but rolling her shoulder brought new spikes of pain. She wouldn't
make it five minutes before begging for the sling back.

Once Julia left, Lily hopped over to Miss Ashley. “What can I do?”

“Well, first, could you play with Sarah over there until Molly comes?
She looks a little lonely.”

“Okay.” Lily hopped across the room to where Sarah was playing with a
random collection of toys. “Can I play too?”

“I'm playing store. Do you want to be my customer?”

“Sure. Um, how much for this ballerina doll?”

“That one is fifty dollars.”

“I don't have any money.”

“I'll give you some money, and then you can buy it.”

“Oh, okay.”

They continued exchanging money and toys until Sarah asked to trade
roles. Lily found a small amount of joy in asking one hundred dollars
for a bunch of tiny plastic bananas, but it wasn't enough to sustain the
play for long. When Molly arrived, Lily went to see Miss Ashley.

“Is there anything else I can do?”

“I'll let you know when I need something, but the best thing you can do
right now is keep those girls busy. Are you having fun?”

Lily nodded then returned to where the smaller girls quietly settled on
playing fairy school. Lily found her own fairy and learned that their
dolls had all enrolled in some kind of ballet boarding school together.
While the girls played, Lily couldn't help but notice the waistband of a
pull-up poking out of Molly's pants. Lily glanced at Miss Ashley
occasionally, but the teacher never called for her.

Sometime later Talia arrived with a boy Lily recognized from Gavin's
first day.

“Another special helper!” Miss Ashley said. “Friends, can we show our
guests where we keep our smocks? It's painting time.”

Miss Ashley didn't give the class much direction. The little kids began
with faces and stick-figures, but mostly they smeared paint around in
great blobs. They weren't too impressed with the more detailed paintings
of Lily or Talia, who had sat together and spoke quietly.

“Is that your brother?” Talia asked.

“He's my cousin,” Lily said. “That one's yours right?”

“He's only half my half-brother,” Talia said with a sneer that wasn't
like her at all.

“I wish I had a brother or sister.”

“Why? They just get you in trouble.”

“I never had anyone to play with before,” Lily said. And maybe I
wouldn't miss her father so much, she thought.

Miss Ashley raised her voice. “Alright folks, painting time is over.
Let's clean up.”

“Talia and I can help you clean up,” Lily offered.

“Everyone cleans up together. Right, class? Let's show our guests how we
do it.”

Sarah and Moly eagerly showed the older girls where the sink and soap
were. When they were done cleaning up, the kids split up to play again.
Sarah headed straight for the kitchen playset. Molly was on her way to
join her friend when Miss Ashley in the restroom.

Miss Ashley left the door cracked so she could keep an eye on the class.
Lily couldn't see what they were doing in there, but she had a good
idea. The idea of potty-time woke Lily's bladder, and she squeezed her
legs together where she knelt near the other girls. She decided to wait
until Molly was done, but Miss Ashley called Peter into the bathroom
before Lily could say anything. Knowing her squeezing wouldn't hold out,
Lily relaxed. Sarah and Gavin were called for their turns before Miss
Ashley called Lily's name.

Timidly Lily entered the restroom. Miss Ashley didn't wait for Lily to
overcome her embarrassment before pulling down Lily's leggings.

“It was Molly's turn,” Lily said.

“What was Molly's turn?”

“When I had the accident.”

“Aha, so you knew it was happening?”

Lily didn't like Miss Ashley's tone. Julia and Miss Anne always
questioned whether she knew, and saying she hadn't never seemed to help.
But Miss Ashley treated Lily's admission like prized information.

“Let's sit on the potty to make sure you're all done,” Miss Ashley said.
While the girl sat, Miss Ashley helped her change out of the old
pull-up. “Do you need help with your shoes?” she asked.

Lily shook her head.

“Alright. Get them tied quick. We're going to head outside next.” Miss
Ashley stepped out of the restroom. “Talia, we're about to go outside.
Do you want to try going potty first?”

* * *

“Lily, can you teach us that game with the bouncing ball? The one you
did at home.”

“Foursquare?”

Gavin held a rubber ball out to Lily. “The one said needed four people.
Can we play with Peter?”

“It's not hard. But we have to draw the boxes. Talia, do you want to
play?”

Talia made a weird face, but the alternative was playing with the
younger girls alone. She and Lily had hoped they'd run into their other
classmates on the playground, but Miss Ashley's class's play time didn't
seem to overlap with any other class's. Together they drew the four
boxes in chalk, then walked the boys through the steps of the game.
Unless serving, Gavin and Peter weren't very skilled at making he ball
go where they wanted, but all four smiled as they played. Lily and Talia
had such a lead that they abandoned keeping score except for Peter.
Talia would make up numbers - or declare their score to be “octopus” or
“rainbow” - just to make her brother mad. No one wanted to stop when
Miss Ashley called them to line-up. She actually had to threaten to talk
to their parents before they listened.

Once inside, they split into twos and played a little longer until the
snack cart came around.

“We could set the table,” Lily offered.

Sarah whined. “But it's supposed to be my turn.”

Miss Ashley hushed the little girl. “Let's let our visitors have a turn
today, and it will be your turn tomorrow.”

Lily and Talia were cleaning up the snack bowls and juice boxes when
Miss Ashley called Molly into the bathroom like earlier. While Lily
washed her hands, she felt a trickle of wetness in her pull-up. It
wasn't her first since potty time that morning, and she wondered whether
she should tell Miss Ashley now that her pull-up was starting to feel
heavier.

“Do you want to do a puzzle?” Talia asked.

“They're all easy,” Lily said. “I know! How about we each do one and
race?”

That seemed more fun than telling Miss Ashley that she needed a new
pull-up. The girls ran over to the shelves, but neither had picked a
puzzle before Miss Ashley called Lily into the bathroom.

“But...” Lily looked at the younger kids who hadn't been called yet.

“Come on,” Miss Ashley said. “Let's not take all day.”

Lily didn't say anything to excuse her wet pull-up, and she wasn't sure
what she could say. She hadn't felt a strong urge since last check, but
it didn't happened all at once didn't sound like a good excuse. Miss
Ashley didn't ask.

* * *

After sandwiches and chips for lunch, Lily lay on her bed while Julia
gathered changing supplies. Mitsy Koala performed a new acrobatics
routine with the aid of invisible trapezes.

Julia sat the supplies on the edge of the bed and started tugging on
Lily's pants. “Little koala, would you sit still for a minute? I have
something important to tell Lily.”

Mitsy curtsied in mid-air.

“Lily, we're going to see your father this afternoon.”

“Really?” Lily couldn't contain her surprise or her joy. She bolted
upright, and Julia had to ease her back onto the towel.

“It's exciting, isn't it? But I need you to understand he's still in a
lot of pain.”

“Because of the new accident?” Lily couldn't resist the chance to show
Julia that she remembered. Neither Bob nor Julia seemed keen on
mentioning anything about it.

Julia began cleaning Lily's bottom without directly answering the
question. “He may be very grumpy or sad,” she continued. “Seeing you
might remind him about everything that's wrong. He feels bad about being
gone, Lily. So if he gets upset, I want you to know he's not upset with
you.”

Lily heard her aunt, but the words didn't truly register. “I can't
believe I really get to see him.”

Julia taped the dry diaper into place. “Now then, little koala, do you
want to help me in the kitchen? You can bring Lily too.”

Mitsy and Lily learned that Julia wanted help organizing the cans in the
cupboard. She asked them to order them by color first, which seemed
silly.

“Can't I help you?” Lily asked while Julia mixed flour and eggs in a
bowl.

“You are helping me, dear,” Julia said.

That didn't seem likely. “I mean help you cook.”

“You're going to meet your new teacher soon. Are you excited?”

“I guess.”

“You sound a little nervous. It's going to be just like first grade only
a little more challenging. You'll do fine. Think of Gavin. This is going
to be his first year with a full day of class.” Julia glanced down at
Lily, who wasn't really listening anymore. “I dare you to stack the cans
higher than your head. Think you can do it?”

“That's easy.”

“Prove it.”

Lily started stacking. One-handed, balancing different sized cans on one
another was actually a fun challenge, and Lily quickly forgot about the
dough Julia was kneading without her.

When Lily went quiet again, it wasn't school on her mind. She was
nervous about how to act around her father, so nervous that she wasn't
at all surprised to feel her diaper grow warm with anxious drips. Seeing
her father was a tremendous relief at the same time. Her work helping
Julia, her obedience to the timer, everything was paying off. But she
knew Julia wouldn't leave the room when they got to the hospital. Lily
would have to balance speaking to her father with maintaining enough of
the lie to not get in trouble just yet. Even after the diapers, the
threats to send Lily to kindergarten and the dreaded face-wiping, today
of all days didn't seem like the right time to get caught.

* * *

The family room at Wells Behavioral was mostly a couple of gray couches
and cheap furniture tightly packed between baby-blue walls. Lily sat on
a couch between her aunt and uncle with her good hand under her padded
bottom while they waited for Dad. Lily's anxiety felt like caterpillars
crawling through her guts, crawling up and down her tingling limbs.
Between her nerves and her sling, she hadn't objected to visiting Dad
wearing a diaper, but she hoped it stayed dry and hidden enough to not
raise any questions. She had no new lies prepared. She didn't know what
she might need to lie about, what Julia might have told Dad. He would be
full of questions about Betsaida and everything else she'd done since
his accident.

A nurse pushed Dad into the room on a wheelchair. As soon as his eyes
met Lily's, he turned to Julia and glared. “I told you not to-”

“Daddy!” Lily could see the fight forming between the adults, but she
couldn't restrain herself. She had searched inside for every piece of
the twelve-year-old, and she'd found a girl who looked just like her, a
girl who was lost, afraid, and in need of her daddy. She was a ball of
emotion unable of calculating anything other than the honest truth: she
was little, and she had little needs. She threw her head onto her
father's lap, wrapping her arms around his skinny legs. “I missed you,
Daddy. Will you come home with us?

Dad's voice cracked, and his anger escaped. “I missed you too, princess.
I missed you so very much.”

“I asked every day to see. No one would let me.”

“It's like Grammy said, princess. This is no place for you. And I'm
sorry it turned out this way. I'm so so sorry.”

“I know but...” Lily choked down a sob long enough to continue. “I want
to stay with you. I don't want you to leave again.”

Dad leaned forward to kiss her head. “What happened to your arm,
pumpkin?”

“I fell off a chair.”

“She's delicate too,” Julia said.

“Bob took me to the emergency room,” Lily added.

While her father stroked her hair, Lily stole a glance at Julia and Bob,
staring across the room at them. There was fire glowing in her aunt's
eyes.

Julia's voice filled the room. “I didn't listen, David, because I want
you to remember you still make a difference. You might feel alone and
isolated here, but somebody outside still needs you. On the phone all
you can talk about is Angela, how you feel like a failure, how you're
disabled forever. But you have a little girl who has already been
through so much. How much more can you make her experience alone? Look
at her, David. How much more can she handle?”

Julia went quiet. Lily was amazed by the passion in her aunt's voice, in
how she seemed to convey everything Lily wanted to say too.

“I know,” Dad said. “I know.”

“You can't check-out on her. You have to come home. You are needed,
David.”

“I know,” Dad sobbed. “I promise.”

Lily hadn't seen Dad cry in a long time. It brought a fresh round of
tears to her own eyes.

When Julia approached father and daughter, she was crying too. She
hugged them, and whispered. “We will make it work.”

* * *

Later, after they had said their long, tearful goodbyes, Bob and Julia
paused to hug Lily outside the front doors.

“Thank you, Lily,” Julia said.

Lily's cheeks had dried, but her voice was weak. “For what?”

“I think that was exactly what your dad needed. You said more than I
ever could.”

Lily tilted her head. She'd said hardly anything. All she'd done was cry
like a baby. That's what Julia thought Dad needed? Lily followed her
aunt and uncle to the car. She held her aunt's hand, feeling like she
could cry a thousand more tears and not be empty. For all that things
seemed to change in that room, she still didn't know when Dad would come
home or what would happen until then. She still didn't have a plan for
ending her lie.

While Julia buckled her into the back seat, Lily's thumb found her
mouth. Julia pulled it free gently.

“Let's not start that, please. You're my big girl, right?”

  Chapter 23

Betsaida's voice came as a shock. “Lily!”

Lily turned to see Betsaida walking with another class, one headed
upstairs. Betsaida ran toward her, and Lily threw her arms out to meet
her friend halfway. They hugged and spun in the hallway, crashing into a
wall with a laugh.

Talia rushed up behind Lily. “Can you believe Miss Anne is this sick? We
made her get-well cards. Did you?”

“Girls, back in line please,” said Miss Ashley, but even Tali didn't
obey.

“You're in a class together?” Betsaida squeaked. “No fair! I'm stuck
with Jacob, and all he wants to do is play zombies. All the time.”

Lily looked at the line of taller kids waiting for Betsaida. “At least
you're with big kids.”

“Yeah,” Talia chimed in. “We're stuck in pre-K.”

Betsaida grinned and bounced on her toes. “I know! I can trade places
with Talia!”

Talia shook her head adamantly. “No way! I want to play with Lily!”

Betsaida whined. “But you've had Lily this whole time.”

Miss Ashley called again. “Girls, you're cutting into everyone's
recess.”

“We've gotta go,” Lily said.

Betsaida kicked the carpet. “Yeah, me too. Maybe I can spend the night
at your house someday? I'll make my mom ask.”

As she walked away, Lily felt the feathery touch of relief that Betsaida
hadn't noticed her new secret. Lily didn't believe her friend would
share Julia's excitement over the Membe Membe Mambo diaper that she
wore. In fact, Lily was certain Julia's excitement had just been a trick
to distract her from what was happening as she dressed for daycare.  It
hadn't worked, of course. Lily figured it out by the time they reached
Broadmoor, but in such a public space, Lily gladly stuck to her new
rule. Big girls didn't mention diapers. No one could ask why they were
wearing one without sounding like a baby. Even when Miss Ashley changed
her before recess, Lily pretended like nothing was happening, and she
had been thankful her new teacher didn't have one word to say about it
either.

Outside Talia kept talking while they climbed to the top of the tower.
“Maybe I could spend the night? Or you could come to my house?”

“That would be fun.” Lily tried to sound excited though she wondered
what Julia would make her wear. The sling would be a good excuse to
wait, she decided. She could only hope the problem would go away on its
own when she said good-bye to her sling.

“We could make our own little pizzas,” Talia continued. “We do them with
flatbread and you get to pick all your favorites. Mine's pineapple.”
Talia climbed out onto the monkey bars, but when Lily didn't follow, she
sighed then climbed back toward the fort.

“We can do the slide,” Lily offered.

Despite the one-at-a-time rule, the friends slid arm in arm or with
their legs wrapped around one another. Giggling the whole time, they
tumbled off the bottom and climbed over one another to get back to the
top. After going through the same issue with her pull-ups, Lily found it
easier to assume Talia knew about her diaper. That Talia didn't mention
it only reinforced Lily's rule.

When they landed in another heap, Miss Ashley frowned at them and gently
pulled them apart. “Lily, do you really think it's safe to do the slide
like that with your arm?”

“I'm being careful,” Lily said.

“I understand, sweetie. I just don't think it's for the best. Why not
play with chalk like Sarah and Molly?”

“Do you want to jump rope?” Talia asked.

Lily frowned. It wasn't good for her knees on the best of days.

“Well I'm gonna.” Talia skipped over to the abandoned rope.

Unwilling to watch her friend, Lily turned to Sarah and Molly. Their
lopsided bubble people had arms, legs, and hair sprouting all over their
faces. Even after all the damage the lie had caused, she knew she didn't
want to be like them. She didn't want to go to kindergarten. She wanted
to be seven. She wanted to be rid of the sling and the diapers and she
wanted Miss Anne to come back.

Lily caught a sniffle before it could escape, but her expression didn't
go unnoticed.

“Uh-oh,” Miss Ashley said as she walked up to Lily. “You didn't make a
mess did you?”

Lily didn't understand the question until Miss Ashley checked the back
of her diaper.

“Oh good. You're clean, dear,” she said as if Lily wouldn't know
otherwise. “Why don't you play with your new friends? You're such a good
artist.” Miss Ashley patted her back before returning to her spot in the
shade.

Lily missed the lie that she had ever been Miss Ashley's helper. The
woman was so keen on her making friends with Sarah and Molly that Lily
feared that Miss Anne would never come back, or if she did, that Lily
wouldn't go back to her old class. She remembered Julia's whispered
conversation with Miss Ashley, who now that Lily thought about it,
hadn't been shocked at all by Lily's diaper. What if Miss Anne's absence
was a trick? Like Julia's excitement about Membe Membe Mambo. Lily knew
better than to think of it as a punishment. This is what they thought
she deserved.

* * *

A third episode of Princess Andromeda began, but Lily's eyes ached by
the time the theme song ended. She shuffled toward the TV to turn it
off. Her diaper felt heavy, well beyond the point that she could ignore.
Julia hadn't changed her since they'd come home from daycare. Instead
Julia sat at the kitchen table all afternoon and stared at her laptop.

As Lily approached, Julia closed the lid to the laptop and stretched her
arms like she hadn't been up to anything. “Is your show over? I think
Gavin's playing Legos, if you want to join him upstairs.”

Julia was trying to distract her, Lily noticed. She wondered what Julia
could be doing that she wasn't allowed to see. When Lily didn't respond,
Julia tried to brush her hair, but Lily pulled away.

“Someone's in a bad mood. Too much TV, huh?”

Lily bit down the urge to be contrary. She didn't struggle when Julia
pulled back her waistband to check the diaper.

“Let's get you changed, sweetie. Then you can play whatever you like.”

Upstairs, lying on the towel, Lily considered steps she might take to
end her diapers. “My arm feels better,” she said. “There's no bruise.”

“We need to wait another three or four days. Let everything heal on the
inside.”

When the change was over and Julia left her alone, Lily sorted some of
her blocks, but she couldn't summon any interest in her toys. Not while
Julia was keeping secrets on the laptop. A sudden fear hit her: what if
Julia was talking to Dad? Were they discussing her diapers? School? The
way everyone treated her, Lily had been too distracted to plan for Dad's
return. Knowing she had to find out, she picked a couple of Barbies and
climbed halfway down the stairs with them. She settled into a mime of a
girl playing with her dolls, and she listened for the clack of a
keyboard in the dining room.

Soon Julia passed below. “Let's not play on the stairs, sweetie.”

“Sorry,” Lily said.

She pretended to pick up while Julia carried the laptop into the office.
After Julia passed again for the kitchen, Lily sneaked down the stairs
and ran toward the office.

The laptop lay on a desk. Lily opened the lid, and the screen came alive
with the web browser. Lily scanned the first page for mention of Wells
Behavioral or Dad's name. Instead, she saw a message thread on what
seemed to be a parenting forum, and when her quick skim revealed the
words wetting and diapers, she scrolled to the top to understand the
context.

The first message read: My grade-school niece is going through a very
stressful time and staying with us. She's a day and night wetter, in
pull-ups. At home she only uses the potty when told. Daycare says she
voluntarily uses potty sometimes but always an emergency, often late.
Her father is a little unreliable right now for full history, blames
himself. I diapered her for a long outdoor event (I know I know - but
just the once) and she took to it instantly, didn't even volunteer that
she pooped her pants - which was a huge shock, let me tell you. School
starts in a month. That's my main concern. Teachers can't deal with
this. What do I do?

Lily's eyes widened. That was Julia. That was her she was writing about.
Feverishly, Lily scrolled through the first wave of replies. Many of
them called her lazy and said to take her out of pull-ups. They compared
her to their own kids, claiming pull-ups made it too easy to keep
playing in wet or messy pants. Lily couldn't believe the tone as the
parents bragged about how young their kids were potty-trained, though
some of the other bed-wetters were as old as five or six. Only a few
comments shared helpful ideas like using a timer. A couple of replies
accused Lily's parents of damaging her. These made Lily burn inside, but
the next post under Julia's name took issue with that idea.

Honestly if you don't know somebody's situation, don't throw accusations
around. Her single-parent father is in severe pain, depressed,
hospitalized, and niece is bright enough to know that this could happen
to her. So for those who said go to doctor, wish I could. Niece is
understandably terrified of hospitals right now.

Thanks to everyone else for your stories. I have successfully trained
two others. I know what distraction looks like. My son was slow too, but
niece is odd. Sure, she gets distracted, but she'll also panic all the
way to the toilet over very little pee. Even on her best days she's
always a tiny bit wet. We have tried a timer, but it seems useless if
she's constantly dripping, right? We tried the big girl undies reward
idea too, but so far, she hasn't proved aware enough for it to work. It
just stresses her out, and I'm not sure there's any sense repeating
that. I want to do what's best for her.

A ball of guilt had been growing since Lily read the first message. She
had let her potty habits slip on purpose and caused so much new stress
in her aunt's life, but the posts revealed that Julia saw through that.
Lily thought she hid so much of herself, but Julia knew everything.
Julia knew when she'd been lazy, and she knew the anxiety that staying
dry entailed. Julia even knew that big girl undies stressed her out -
something Lily would never have admitted.

As Lily's picture of Julia shifted, the pieces formed a portrait she
couldn't accept. Julia who knew everything, Julia who wanted to do
what's best for her, this same Julia had put her in diapers. Not just
for trips and shopping, but at home too. Refusing to believe the
evidence, Lily scrolled down for another post by her aunt, but all she
found was the final comment.

My daughter was the same. If she ever knew she had to go, it was already
an emergency and she was already wet. We did all the tests, all the
rewards, all the exercises, but we were still going through multiple
pairs of underwear a day. We were stubborn and blind until her grades
and behavior slipped. Our girl was so preoccupied with staying dry, so
hurt by every accident, she wasn't enjoying life and we were only making
it worse. So we came to terms with incontinence. We switched to pull-ups
then, but she voluntarily chose diapers this year at 13. She's much
happier, sociable, and active. I can't diagnose your niece, but her
daytime wetting pattern doesn't sound typical. Your niece needs to see a
doctor as soon as she's fit, and you need to prepare her for the
possibility that this might a lifetime struggle.

The screen powered down before Lily moved again. She closed the laptop
lid and quietly shuffled back up the stairs. The last commenter's
description was all too familiar. The ruined underwear, the
concentration it took to stay dry, feeling distracted at school. These
weren't new, these weren't the lie. These were twelve-year-old Lily's
problems. Yet no one had ever suggested that she, the real Lily,
deserved the treatment that seven-year-old Lily was receiving. Lily
couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that this older girl decided to
wear diapers on her own. It even made her happier, the mother said. Was
this message, not the sling, the reason that the timer and pull-ups were
taken away? Lily hadn't thought to check the date, but it was too late
to sneak a second look.

Lily stopped at her door and surveyed the toys scattered across the
floor. She'd assembled a collection to match her seven-year-old life,
but they weren't all that different from the kindergarten class or from
any age really. Lily turned her thoughts to the toddlers in the thread.
How timers, big kid panties, and sticker charts helped them stay dry
forever. She turned over a puzzle piece that felt obvious now that she
could see the opposite side. Julia hadn't been treating her accidents
like Dad at all. Not just in getting involved, in helping her change -
Julia didn't see Lily's accidents like just an annoying problem,
something that happened with no rhyme or reason. Julia wanted a
solution. Julia had been potty-training her like a little kid.

And Lily had failed.

Panic grabbed her by the throat. How stupid she had been. The diapers
weren't just a symbol that Julia accepted her lie, that Julia believed
she was little and would care for her. No, she wasn't just little, she
was hopeless. She was worse than a toddler.

Lily threw herself onto her bed. It was all her fault. It was her body's
fault. She'd made it worse, but even at her best she could never stay
dry enough to satisfy Julia. There wasn't any lie to get her out of
that. If Dad didn't come home soon, she could be stuck in diapers
forever.

As Lily squeezed her pillow and sobbed, one thought came to dominate
them all. Maybe this is why Dad was depressed. Maybe he knew everything.
Maybe he was disappointed in her.

“Lily? Oh sweetheart, what's wrong?” Julia came to the bed and sat next
to her. While Lily cried, Julia brushed her hair, found her purple
elephant, and checked her diaper. Lily didn't move or speak for a long
time, but neither did Julia.

* * *

Lily woke dry the next morning, but it made no difference. Julia sent
her down to breakfast in the dry diaper.

“Well I'll be,” she said before helping Lily back into the sling. “Run
on downstairs.”

Lily couldn't help but notice Julia's surprise - and her lack of praise.
Feeling her own hopelessness cling to her like the sling, Lily didn't
bother to ask for the toilet, and her strained bladder relaxed on its
own as she descended the stairs. Gavin and Selene were already eating
breakfast at the table. Lily picked at her oatmeal while she thought
about the message thread again. Given her struggle, given her size, it
all made sense. The lie had really just been a coincidence.

“Remember, today's school registration. It's going to be a long morning.
So eat up you three. You'll need lots of energy.”

After Julia helped Gavin brush his hair, she changed Lily into a dry
diaper and dressed in clothes of Julia's choosing. Lily didn't try to
help, and Julia ended up tying her shoes after the third request was met
with indifference. Lily followed her aunt downstairs dragging her
elephant behind her.

“Let's leave Amelia at home,” Julia said.

Lily wasn't willing yet to face her new school without help. There
wasn't any shame left in the feeling. “Can I take her? Pleeease? I
promise I won't lose her.”

Julia only shook her head.

They drove to Selene's school first.  The high school seemed impossibly
big. The lobby alone could hold hundreds of people, and it did -
swarming up oddly placed steps and around the tight corners in their
search for the long lines of the cafeteria. Standing among adults and
teenagers, Lily felt conscious about her size, and she wondered whether
she truly wasn't ready to be twelve. The lie had won. Her body had won.
The only question that remained was what class she would end up in. She
was sure she aced the placement tests, but her new class at daycare
confused the issue. After the end to her potty-training, Julia's threats
about naps and kindergarten held more weight than ever.

With photos, schedule changes, uniforms, and more, Selene's registration
dragged on until Gavin's restlessness turned into defiance. When they
finally finished with the high school, Julia announced that they would
stop for coffee and bagels. She left the three of them to sit outside
the shop under the umbrella of a metal table.

While they waited, Selene whispered to Lily. “You know where we're going
next, right? You know what's going to happen?”

Lily nodded without meeting Selene's eyes. She understood better than
ever.

“It's not too late. You don't have to go through with this. You can say
it was my fault. You can say I dared you.”

“Ooooooh. I'm telling!” Gavin grinned and leaned in. “Dared her to do
what?”

Selene ignored her brother. “This is ridiculous. It's too weird. Just
talk to me. Help me understand.”

Lily thought the offer was kind, but she didn't believe Selene could
change anything. So she said nothing, and when Julia returned, she
picked the blueberries from her bagel in silence.

After the snack, they drove to Broadmoor Academy. The first stop was
Gavin's class. The teacher gave them a tour of the room, and then Lily
was allowed to explore on her own while the adults and Gavin chatted. At
least it wasn't her class too, she thought, but though that knot of
anxiety had been freed, she found nothing to anchor her imagination for
long except the class aquarium. Three little frogs competed for the best
spot under a little plastic tree. Selene watched from one of the tiny
chairs but said no more.

When the adults finished, Julia escorted them to what would be Lily's
class. “Mrs Williams - Second Grade” said the rainbow letters over the
door. As they entered, Selene surprised Lily with a squeal of delight.

“Mrs Williams!”

“Is that Selene? My but you've grown an inch or two since I saw you
last. Come here, honey.” The large, white-haired woman pulled Selene
into a hug. Mrs Williams wore a small pair of glasses which clung
precariously to the edge of her nose. “Is this Lily, then?”

Julia pulled Lily forward. “This is her.”

“I hope you didn't hurt that arm in a fight. We don't have much use for
boxers in this class.”

Lily shook her head.

“Just a tumbling accident,” Julia said.

“A gymnist then. Should have known with those long bones. You might be
taller than Selene before this year's over. What are they feeding you at
the Bauers' house?”

Mrs Williams slipped Lily little winks and secret smiles even as they
began discussing expectations for the year. Lily couldn't help but like
her. She felt every knot around her heart untie. She had made it. Second
grade. Just like she'd wanted.

“I know one student who is very happy to have you with us,” Mrs Williams
said. “You know Betsaida from daycare, I hear.”

“Really?” Lily nearly bounced out of her seat with joy. “I get to go to
school with Bet!” she relayed to Julia.

“Oh boy. Isn't that exciting?” Julia smiled and her eyes shimmered. It
was the warmest smile Lily had ever seen. “So then,” Julia cleared her
throat. “How did Lily do on the test?”

Mrs Williams pulled a graph from a manila folder. “She's off the charts
on reading. But you probably knew that since you're asking. You better
believe we're going to pull her to read with other exceptional students.
We'll do some extra testing in the first week to get a more detailed
picture, but, well, I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up reading with
our fifth graders.”

“Wow!” Julia nudged Lily. “Fifth grade! Imagine that.”

“Well, we know she's in that range. We'll see after those next couple of
tests, like I said.”

The conversation moved on, and the test scores were re-inserted into the
folder. Lily tried to smile, but she was a master liar. She recognized
the lie of omission instantly. The test had covered language and math,
and she clearly hadn't exceeded second grade expectations in math, at
least not by much. It wasn't enough for her body to betray her
physically, but all that distraction, all her rushed schoolwork, it
really had affected her mind too. She began to cry. First mere trickles
then great big tears, the choking kind that she couldn't hide. As she
drew everyone's attention, she knew she needed a better reason than
math.

“I don't want to go to fifth grade. I want to stay in Betsaida's class,”
she cried.

Julia rubbed her back and hushed her, but it had little effect. Once the
words were said, Lily wasn't even sure it had been a lie, and somehow
that was much worse. Eventually Julia cajoled Selene to take Gavin and
Lily outside to the playground.

While Gavin ran around, Lily sat at the edge of the asphalt and cried
quietly. Maybe she was just so bad at being twelve that she really did
need to start over, she thought. She was much better at being seven.

Without looking at Lily, Selene sat beside her and spoke quietly, as if
to herself as much as to her cousin. “I get it now. Shit. This is real.
It's not her at all. This is you. I'm sorry, Lily. Maybe this is for the
best.”

Lily sighed. Like all the evidence she had been anyone else, packed up
and lost by the moving company, Selene's withdrawal seemed to entomb the
last bits of twelve-year-old Lily.

“I guess I wasn't being too helpful before. I'm sorry. Are you going to
be okay?”

“I don't know.”

Selene took her hand. “It's just, I don't think it's going to be as bad
as you think right now. So you went back a couple of grades. Big deal.
Like Mom says, you're with your friends. That's important, you know.
Just as important as school. You'll get to see Bet most of the day,
right? And Mrs Williams is a lot of fun. You're going to like her, I can
see it.”

Lily sniffled. “What's wrong with me?”

Gently Selene pulled Lily closer and wrapped an arm around her.
“Nothing. Lily, nothing is wrong with you. You need time to heal. Mom
knows it. She's mixed up about a lot of things, but she is trying to
help. I want to help too now. Maybe it'll even work, you know? Weirder
things have happened.

“But Lily, you need to promise that this will make you happier. Tell me
this is what you really want.”

Lily buried her head into Selene's chest. She couldn't ask this of
Selene. To tell someone to believe a lie... the paradox would break
everything. How could Selene believe anything she said again? But yet,
Lily thought, everything was already so broken.

Selene whispered into her ear. “You don't have to say anything. You just
need to get up and go play.”

“I can't.”

“Yes, you can. If you want me to go along with this, you need to get up
and go play.”

“But my arm.”

“Use your imagination.”

Lily wiped her nose. She pulled in her knees and concentrated. She lined
up every thought, every positive, every negative. She tried to imagine
what could happen in a month, in a year, in ten years. But none of the
facts mattered. She knew what she wanted, what would make her happiest.
Lily stood up. Without turning to look at Selene, she stepped off the
asphalt and crossed the grass and woodchips for the playground.

“Lily! This is my spaceship,” Gavin called from the opposite end.

“Where are you going?”

“To the dinosaur planet.”

“Can I come?”

“Watch out! Behind you!”

Lily spun to see Selene stalking toward her, arms bent like t-rex claws.

“Rawr!”

The chase circled the planet a hundred times before Julia and Mrs
Williams came outside to collect them. As the doors opened, Mrs Williams
cut Julia off.

“Let me just end it by saying it's the family's decision and you don't
have to choose this minute. You know my preference. It can be hard to
stay on top of all twenty-five, and if she can't be depended on... well,
just let me know before school starts, and I'll draft a plan to send the
administration.”

Hand in hand with Selene, Lily crossed the parking lot and settled back
into the car. Lily couldn't contain her smile, but Gavin seemed suddenly
grumpy.

“Alright alright,” Julia said. “We're headed home now. Keep your cool,
mister.”

“I don't want to go home,” Gavin huffed.

Julia rolling her eyes in the mirror. “Will hot dogs make everything
better?”

Gavin cheered. Lily covered her ears.

Julia shook her head. “Sheesh. There goes my parent of the year award.”

  Chapter 24

Lily awoke while the car slowed to a stop for a red light. Lost for the
moment, she couldn't remember getting into the car or why she'd brought
Amelia. Gavin sat next to her with his head lulling to one side. The
light changed, and slowly the fog in her mind cleared. She remembered
the night before and Bob's announcement that they would visit the zoo.

In the front passenger seat, Selene turned around and smiled. “Hey
sleepyhead,” she said softly.

Lily pulled her thumb from her mouth. “Are we there?”

“Not quite,” Bob said. “We're stopping for breakfast first. Pancakes
sound good?”

When they reached the restaurant, Lily and Selene stepped out of the car
and stretched while Bob tried to wake Gavin. Lily was glad to be free of
the sling though her shoulder was still sore. She noticed her diaper
felt mostly dry. That she didn't feel the need to pee told her someone
must have changed her before they left the house though she didn't
remember any of it.

“Something wrong?” Selene asked.

“Is this Ellensburg?” Lily asked. Aside from the restaurant, all Lily
saw were a couple of stop lights and two gas stations.

“It's close,” Bob said as he hefted Gavin onto his hip and locked the
car. “We're about ten miles away. Stopping here for breakfast is a
little tradition.”

No one suggested Lily needed a change even after they sat at a booth and
ordered. She still had trouble believing her accidents were that
accepted. She guessed she had slept for a few hours, and everyone must
suspect her diaper was wet.

When the waiter brought their drinks, he handed Lily and Gavin tiny
boxes of crayons to use on the activity placemats. Lily didn't hesitate
in opening her package.

“I need to go potty,” Gavin complained.

Bob was pouring sugar into his mug. “Alright. Let me get one sip of
coffee first.”

“I need to go bad.”

“Alright, alright.”

Bob left his keys and phone on the table. Once the boys left, Selene
grabbed her father's phone. Lily didn't say anything but kept working at
her placemat. Despite everything Selene had said and done on the
playground, Lily had still avoided her cousin the last two days. It was
easy to be seven around people who believed the lie, but Lily could
never tell whether Selene was judging her or getting a secret thrill out
of treating Lily like a little kid. Lily finished the word scrambles in
a few seconds each and sighed. Other than coloring, all the activity
options were boring.

“Look at this,” Selene said. She held the phone so Lily could see a
picture of herself, holding her elephant and sucking on her thumb in the
backseat of the car.

“Why did you take that?”

“It's cute.”

Lily frowned. She imagined her friends seeing the photo and how they
might react. “But what are you going to do with it?” she asked.

“I'm going to send it to Mom, duh.”

Lily couldn't shake the feeling that Selene had another motive, that
Selene's change of heart had been faked to lull Lily further into some
trap. She huddled over her placemat as if her curtain of hair could hide
her.

Gavin and Bob returned just before their breakfast arrived. For the
first few minutes, nobody could say anything but how good the food was.

After Bob finished his bacon, he slowed down. “Selene probably doesn't
remember the first time she came here.”

“Dad, no. Not that story again.”

Bob grinned. “We were going to the zoo, and it was Selene's birthday.
Now, this place has a special offer for unlimited pancakes on your
birthday.”

“Dad, stop.” Selene covered her face. Lily and Gavin grinned.

“So of course, she was eating pancake after pancake, just packing them
away. Well, your mom, she decides she needs a photo of it. She runs out
to the car to get the camera - this is before smart phones. When she
brings it back, the thing isn't working.”

“Did it have batteries?” Gavin asked.

“It had batteries, yep, but we weren't sure if they were any good or
what else could be wrong. She and I are trying to figure out what's
wrong, and nobody's watching Selene. When we finally get the camera to
turn on, we see Selene has dumped an entire pot of syrup on her head,
and it's dripping down her face and clothes.”

Gavin's eyes were manic. “On her head!?”

“Your mom was upset, of course. Her photo ruined, her daughter covered
in syrup, and everyone in the restaurant is staring at us by then.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to make the best of the situation, and I joke that
we'll have to be careful at the zoo because all the animals will want to
lick the syrup. And at first, Selene is just loving that idea, but then
she remembers the tigers and lions, and she starts bawling.”

“I don't want to be eaten by a lion,” Selene said in a quiet voice as
she shook her head.

Bob laughed. “'I don't want to be eaten by a lion.' I felt so bad.”

“Did you really let her go to the zoo like that?” Lily asked.

“Oh, we always had wet wipes and a change of clothes in the car. Back
then, if Selene was anywhere near a mud puddle, she'd find a way to step
in it.”

Lily glanced at Selene. “How old was she?”

“Six.”

Lily laughed. “Six and she did that?”

Selene peaked through a V in her fingers. “Hey, you're not so neat
yourself, Miss Maplechin.”

Lily rubbed her chin. Her cheeks burned when she found a spot of
stickiness there. Meanwhile, Gavin grinned and reached for the syrup.
Bob cut him off, and everyone laughed.

* * *

The signs for the zoo were growing more frequent by the time Lily's
bladder complained. She didn't let it distract her. She had started a
game with Gavin where they named the animals on each sign before the
other saw it.

“Opossum,” Bob said.

Gavin giggled. “No that's a kangaroo.”

“Are you sure? Look at that long trunk.”

“It's a tail!”

“Alright, alright,” Bob said as they pulled into a crowded parking lot.
“Let's calm down so I don't hit any of these people.”

Before long, Bob had parked the car, and everyone stepped into the sun
to stretch again.

Bob tossed the keys to Selene. “I'll take Gavin to buy tickets. Do you
want to tend to Lily and meet us at the gate?”

“Sure.” Selene wrapped an arm around Lily and led her back toward the
car.

Lying on the backseat, Lily stared at the ceiling while Selene
unbuttoned her shorts and untaped the diaper. Her heart sent pulses
through her body until Selene paused to hand her Amelia.

Selene smiled. “This'll just take a minute.”

It felt like ages though as Selene didn't have Julia's skill. Lily
stared into her doll's eyes and tried to imagine herself elsewhere while
Selene cleaned her bottom. When the new diaper was finally taped, Lily
sat up, but Selene insisted on buttoning her shorts for her. Selene kept
smiling even as she tied the plastic bag containing the wet diaper.

“Alright, kiddo. Let's leave your elephant here. You don't want them to
accidentally lock her up in a cage do you?” Selene winked.

Lily wanted to insist she knew that doll wasn't real, but she knew it
wouldn't come out right. Reluctantly, she let Selene take the elephant.

Selene held Lily's hand and led her toward the gate. Lily's bladder
complained again before they found Bob and Gavin.

Inside the zoo, they found a giant artificial tree in their way. Its
branches were decorated with animal symbols representing the attractions
within the zoo - a kangaroo, an ape, a bird, a sea-lion, and many more.

“Where to?” Bob asked.

“This way!” Gavin bounced toward a stand selling lollipops and cotton
candy.

Bob caught him by the arm. “No running off. If we have to hold hands, we
will.”

“Lily doesn't mind holding hands,” Selene said as she took Lily's hand
again.

Lily didn't want to hold hands. She wanted to tell Selene she was a big
girl, not a baby, but it was an awkward thing to insist to someone who
saw through the lie. And to Bob, Lily would only sound whiny and
brattish. Then he would make her hold hands for sure. Thankfully, Gavin
took his father's hand, so the conversation moved on.

Bob pointed up at the tree. “What should we do first? Australia,
India...?”

“Don't they have elephants?” Selene asked.

“Hm, how could we find out?” Bob smiled even as he said it.

Gavin pointed toward a thick limb of the tree. “They do. See?”

Selene squeezed Lily's hand. “I think I know a somebody who would really
like to see them. Lily, can you help us figure out which way to go?”

“Um, this way.” Lily pulled Selene in the direction that the tree
indicated.

Cages lined the walkways, and the family stopped to see the animals
along the way. Bob asked Gavin to spell out the names of the animals,
and he asked Lily to read the signs. Aside from that, Lily couldn't see
a difference between how they were treated. They were praised equally
despite the fact that Lily was reading far more words, and Bob and
Selene asked them equally easy questions.

“Look at this guy's sharp teeth. What do you think he eats?”

“Would you want a dress made from feathers like that?”

“Don't these monkeys remind you of the ones from your show?”

Gavin's answers were drawn from his imagination more often than facts.
When they reached an exhibit with three small bears and a fake cottage,
Lily decided to distinguish herself. The sign had little to say, so she
listed a few facts about bear diets.

“But mostly they eat honey,” Gavin concluded.

“Aren't they just so cute though?” Bob asked without acknowledging
anything Lily had said.

Before long they were waiting in the long line for the elephant exhibit.
A little girl with the family before them kept staring at Lily though
she hugged her mother's leg. She was a little taller than Gavin, but she
was acting as shy as a scared toddler.

Selene leaned over toward Lily. “Do you have a new friend there?”

The mother overheard and smiled. “Say hello, Ashley.”

Ashley waved. Lily waved back. Then Ashley held out her hand. She wore a
cheap plastic ring with a tiger's stripes.

“Oooo, pretty,” Selene said. “Where did you get that?”

“From the tigers,” Ashley mumbled. “They're free.”

Gavin frowned. “I want to see the tigers.”

“After the elephants,” Bob said.

Ashley's mother pointed and squeaked. “Oh look, a toad! Two of them!”

The three kids crouched to watch two toads hopping through the flowers
and ferns outside the shaded walkway. One seemed to chase the other.

“I wonder if they're boyfriend and girlfriend?” Lily said.

“All toads are boys,” Ashley insisted.

“That's impossible,” Lily said. “The girls lay the eggs.”

Gavin threw a leaf to get the toads' attention, and Ashley followed suit
until their parents said to stop. Lily became aware that crouching had
drawn Ashley's attention to her shorts. She looked down to find her
diaper showing, and immediately she stood back up. The line moved again,
quicker than before, and the kids forgot their flash of a friendship.

Overhead, a television showed old pictures of an elephant performing
tricks. The narration said the zoo had rescued its first elephant from a
circus. He had lived a solitary life, but as experts learned more about
elephants, the zoo eventually decided to build a much larger, more
natural elephant sanctuary to hold a whole herd.

The family drew closer to the front, where people boarded zebra-striped
cars. When it was their turn, Bob lifted Lily and Gavin over the gap
between car and platform.

The guide at the front of the car wore her long hair pinned under a
safari hat. She smiled brightly over the crowd. “Welcome to the
Ellensburg Zoo's Arthur and Melissa Glasier Elephant Sanctuary,” she
said.

Once everyone was seated, the car lurched forward, and the guide
launched into the history of Asian elephants. Lily watched the sparse
woods closely, but the woods were motionless. The guide told them to
watch for tusk marks on trees, but Lily wasn't sure she even saw those.
Eventually the woods opened to a clearing with a large pool where
several elephants were bathing. The zoo-goers ooh'd and ahh'd and out
came their cameras and phones.

“Isn't this a special treat,” the guide said. “To your left you'll see
our two youngest elephants, Apala and Mukunda, playing with a beach
ball. Like human children, elephant calves love to play as they explore
their surroundings.”

The guide explained that the pool, the waterfall, the sandpit and other
toys and obstacles in the sanctuary were there to keep the elephants
stimulated and happy. Though Lily smiled to see the elephants playing,
she grew skeptical of the zoo's intentions the more the guide justified
the exhibit. She couldn't imagine any animal preferring a cage, however
large, to living in the wild.

Near the end of the ride, a the male elephant stopped on the road, and
they had to wait for it to move. Once he let them pass, the elephant
seemed to stare right at Lily. She could see the elephant's loneliness
in those big eyes even before the guide explained how, in the wild,
older males separated from the herds for most of the year.

Unable to shake the image, Lily felt tears run down her cheeks as the
ride came to an end. Bob must have noticed because he scooped her up and
carried her away from the sanctuary while Gavin and Selene followed.

In a clearing that simulated a rural Indian village, Bob paused to hand
Selene his wallet. “Here, Selene, why don't you and Gavin buy some of
those frozen lemonades for everyone. Lily and I are going to head to the
bathroom.”

“I could take her,” Selene offered as she reached for the backpack.

But Bob shook his head. “I've got it this time.”

In the line for the family restroom, Bob swayed with Lily still resting
on his hip. Lily felt childish, but being in Bob's arms was calming.
Certainly other seven-year-olds liked to be held sometimes, she decided
even as she fought to keep her thumb still.

“Did you feel sad for the elephants?” Bob asked.

Lily nodded. “They don't want to live in a cage.”

“No, they probably don't.”

She was happy to find the family bathroom was private, but she still
didn't allow her thumb to wander. Bob changed her quickly, and they
joined Selene and Gavin. They walked the rest of high wooden walkways
through the Indian exhibits while sipping their frozen lemonades. Gavin
was disappointed that the tigers were sleeping, but the monkeys were
lively and entertaining.

They chose the Australian section next, and passed through a gigantic
aviary on the way. After circling the dingos, Tasmanian devils, and
kangaroos in the hot sun, everyone looked sweaty and tired. Lily's legs
ached, and she felt like her knees or ankles could give out at any
moment. She was in enough pain that she fell behind the others, and for
a moment, she lost sight of them in the crowd. Knowing to stop and not
wander, she paused atop a bridge, but even elevated, she couldn't see
over anyone's heads.

In less than a minute, Bob came looking for her. “There you are. I
thought we'd lost you.”

Before Lily could ask Bob to pick her up, Selene and Gavin emerged from
the crowd, and her request suddenly felt too childish.

Bob knelt in front of her. “Is something wrong?”

“My legs hurt,” she said. “A lot.”

“Maybe she needs a change,” Selene offered.

Bob picked Lily up and held her on his hip again. “Is that better,
caterpillar?”

Lily nodded. She felt Bob's hand pat her bottom.

“She can hold out a while longer,” he said to Selene. “It's about lunch
time though. I think there's a café on the other side of that aquarium.
Shall we enjoy the air conditioning for a minute before we eat.”

Nobody disagreed. Inside, the aquarium consisted of a massive artificial
coral reef with hundreds of brightly colored fish swimming in and out of
the bony shapes. Playfully, Bob swung Lily around and lifted her high
above the heads of the other children. Giggling, she easily forgot the
discomfort in her legs.

“Uhoh, sharks. You don't have any syrup on your hair, do you Lily?”

“I don't want a shark to eat me!” Lily squeaked.

Bob had to put her down by the time a pair of older women began talking
a little too loudly behind them. “Can you believe it? At that age! Don't
you just want to shake the laziness out of the parents? they Should be
ashamed.”

Selene leaned toward Bob and whispered. “Dad, can you hear them?”

“Just ignore them,” Bob whispered back.

“Do you think she heard them too?”

Lily watched an eel slithering through fake rocks. She pretended not to
notice Bob and Selene watching for her reaction. “Can we eat now?” she
asked.

Everyone leaving the aquarium paused to shield their eyes from the sun.
A handful of people paused in the shade of the eaves to reapply
sunscreen or find their sunglasses before they moved on. Lily noticed
the old women among the small crowd, and her heart sank as Bob
maneuvered everyone into the spot next to them.

Bob winked at Lily before speaking. “Do you remember when we talked
about staring at other people, people who are different?”

Lily thought for a moment, wondering where Bob was going with the
question. It certainly wasn't something they had ever actually discussed
before. “Never ever stare,” she guessed.

“Correct,” Bob said a little louder. “And if we see someone different
and we have a question for them, what do we do?”

“We stop and think whether it's a nice thing to say.”

“Very good,” he said glancing at the older women. “And do we ever make
fun of someone for a disability, for something they can't help?”

Lily shook her head. “Never. That would be mean.”

Bob smiled and herded the family toward the outdoor café. Lily could
feel the burning eyes of the old women, so she turned and stuck her
tongue out at them.

“How about some ice cream for lunch?” Bob asked.

“Yeah!” Lily cheered.

“Okay, but first you have to eat some real food. I think they have
hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken...”

“I want fish sticks,” Gavin said.

Bob grinned. “Was that all you could think about through the whole
aquarium?”

“Yep,” Gavin said. Everyone laughed.

* * *

Lily was awake as Bob unbuckled her and carried her into the house, but
she didn't open her eyes or move. Though fading already, her dreams had
been too pleasant to abandon just yet.

“Awww, look at the sleeping angel,” Julia whispered. “How did she do?”

“Great,” Bob whispered. “You were right.”

“About what?”

Lily felt her body dip and heard her aunt and uncle kiss.

“Did you see Selene's photos?”

“Yes?”

“She had fun. It's obvious she's working through some stuff. You should
have seen her cry about the elephants.”

Julia sounded like she might laugh. “About the elephants?”

“You were right though. I don't think it's anything to worry about. She
just needs a little break to heal, and then she'll be ready for school.”

“We just need to do something about that thumb, or they're going to
tease her mercilessly.”

Julia tugged on her arm, but Lily resisted. She mumbled around her thumb
and let her dreams sweep over her.

  Chapter 25

Lily's arm felt like rubber without the sling holding it in place. As
she searched under the bed, her fingers stumbled upon a stray pony but
not her missing Koala Town owls. She tossed the pony aside then
overturned a pile of books. At the bottom she found the Princess
Andromeda sticker book that Julia had bought her as a reward. Lily sat
back and flipped through the pages, only a few of which were completed.
She hadn't thought of the book once since her emergency room visit, and
its presence in her room seemed proof of Julia's changed attitude.
Rewards followed expectations, and no one expected Lily to stay dry.

Forgetting her missing owls for the moment, Lily lay on her stomach and
flipped through the book until a page caught her eye. She was surprised
that playing with the stickers didn't stir the secret thrill of a good
lie. The old rule applied to someone else, and that girl was gone. Lily
went everywhere in a diaper, and it no longer seemed weird or worrisome
to her, nothing at all like a punishment. She liked her new life.
Without the stress of pull-ups and panties, she hadn't caused any
trouble or disappointment. Instead, she felt capable and more ready than
ever for school or any challenge life could throw at her.

Lily didn't try to hide the sticker book when Julia knocked on the door.
“Gavin wants to head out back to play. Would you want to go out with
him? It's a beautiful day.”

“Okay.” Lily closed the sticker book. She noted that Julia had said
nothing about it.

“Let me put some sunscreen on you then.”

Lily held out her arms and let her aunt rub sunscreen into her skin. She
wasn't surprised when Julia used the opportunity to check her diaper. It
had become a regular occurrence whatever Lily was doing, and Lily
learned to ignore it. Betsaida's mom had commented on how maturely she
handled her accidents, and the switch to diapers helped Lily understand
that sometimes maturity meant letting adults deal with a problem.

“All done,” Julia said.

Outside, the sky was clear, and the mountain peaks were visible above
the trees. While birds sang, Lily and Gavin raced around the swingset
with Humphrey until Gavin picked up a football.

“Do you want to play catch?”

“Um, I can't.” Lily remembered the pain of her shoulder enough to not
want to push her luck.

“I could teach you,” Gavin suggested.

Lily rolled her eyes. “I know how. It's because of my arm.”

“Do you want to watch me catch by myself? I can throw it straight up.”
Gavin threw the ball into the air, teetered as he watched it, then
missed by a large margin when the ball returned to Earth.

Lily wrinkled her nose. Gavin often defaulted to the assumption that she
wasn't old enough for the things he could do. She was tired of
explaining her joint problems and her tender shoulder. “Let's play sea
explorers,” she said.

“Okay, but I'll be the captain because I'm a boy.”

Lily shook her head. “I'll be the captain because I'm the oldest, and it
was my idea.”

“You're not really the oldest though.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You still suck your thumb.”

Lily took a deep breath. She knew an outburst wouldn't convince Gavin
any better than logic would, and besides, she had a better skill at her
disposal. “I'll be the captain because I was a diving instructor back on
the coast,” she lied.

“What's an instructor?”

“A teacher. I taught people how to swim underwater.”

Gavin paused to consider this new information. “So you could teach me?”

Lily smiled. “First I need to see how long you can hold your breath.
Take a deep breath, and I'll count.”

Gavin puffed his cheeks. His eyes crossed in a look of complete
concentration.

Lily counted aloud without letting herself laugh. “Thirty! That's pretty
good. I bet you've swam underwater before.”

The compliment improved Gavin's attitude, and he gladly attempted Lily's
next challenges. They ran around the yard and approximated different
swim strokes as Lily invented them. They were doing “the eel” when Lily
felt discomfort in her tummy. The pain and come and gone all day with
increasing urgency. She knew she would have to deal with it soon, but
she was too embarrassed to repeat the previous days. It was bad enough
telling her aunt when she needed to poop, but Julia sometimes left Lily
sitting on the toilet while she finished another chore. The experience
was awful every time, and it didn't help Lily feel big or capable at
all.

When Lily slowed down, Gavin paused too. “What's next?” he asked.

“Huh?”

“What move do we do next?”

“The frog. I'll show you.”

Delaying her decision, Lily crouched and leaped with her arms and legs
spread wide. Gavin followed. Halfway to the fence, Lily felt her body
reach its own conclusion during a crouch. She didn't want Gavin to
figure out what was happening, so she kept playing. She felt better by
the time they paused for breath. She didn't immediately feel any
contradiction between playing the leader and what'd she'd just done.
That surprised her at first, but on reflection, using the diaper was
only practical if she had to wear one. It made equal sense to keep
playing now the damage was done because Julia knew to check on her. Like
the older girl from the message board, Lily decided she too could accept
her situation - a mark of maturity like Betsaida's mom said - and it
seemed an even bigger accomplishment if she was only seven.

For the final event, she had Gavin pretend the edge of a raised garden
bed was a surfboard. They balanced there with their arms out, pretending
every wobble was a big wave. When Lily fell off first, Gavin cheered for
himself.

“Congratulations!” Lily said “You passed swim class, and now you can be
a sea explorer captain too.”

“I need to go potty,” Gavin announced then ran inside.

Once she was alone, Lily stared at the swings, but her messy diaper made
that option less appealing. She followed Gavin inside, and passing
through the living room, she decided to ask if she could watch Princess
Andromeda. She poked her head into the office and then the master
bedroom, where she found Julia sorting laundry.

“What's up?” Julia asked

“Can I watch TV?”

“Hm. Just one episode, alright?”

Lily was amazed that Julia didn't say anything about her accident. Could
it be that she didn't even know? The thought made Lily felt better, like
it wasn't a big deal, and she didn't hesitate to sit on the couch while
the TV loaded. She picked an old episode where the twins were trapped on
a small moon with no way to contact Cassiopeia. Lily tried to find a
comfortable position while the stranded Star Maidens bickered.

Julia passed through the room with a basket of laundry then returned
with another. She sat on the floor beside the clean clothes and laid out
a towel on the carpet. “Come here, sweetie.”

Confused, Lily slid off the couch and approached.

“No, silly. Lie down.” Julia patted the towel.

Noticing that Julia had also brought her backpack, Lily laid down and
turned her head to watch the TV while Julia started the change.

But Julia didn't let her escape so easily. “I want you to know that I
will always take care of you, and I understand if you have an accident
like this. But I don't want you making messes if we can avoid them. If
you know you have to poo, please come get me. Either way, you don't need
to feel embarrassed, I've been through all this before.”

The comment caught Lily off guard. Julia hadn't said anything so direct
about her accidents in a long time. Though the change was slow, Lily
couldn't figure out how to respond before it was over. Even as Julia
suggested that Lily could do better, she didn't push like she had over
wet pull-ups. Lily wondered if it one more expectation that Julia had
quietly let go. She was still lying on her back, lost in the mystery,
when Julia returned from washing her hands.

Julia sat on the couch and started folding laundry. “Is your arm sore
from playing outside?”

Lily shook her head.

“Princess Andromeda is the blond one, right? So who are these two?”

“Sterope and Asterope.”

“That's silly. Why did their mommy name them that?”

“Because they're twins.” Smiling, Lily sat up. Her clean diaper felt
more comfortable, but she couldn't help but feel that something was
missing. “I'll be right back,” she said once she figured it out.

Lily paused the show and ran to her bedroom where she grabbed Amelia
from her bed. Returning to finish her show, she sat and hugged her
elephant, Warmth dissolved inside her diaper. She guessed she wet while
running, which wasn't unusual, but it made her reflect on how strange
her life had become. Though she still wet her pants, she felt more
confident than ever. She had to ask permission for lots of things, but
her days were filled with never-ending fun. Even the long, gross diaper
change hadn't been so bad. Lily wasn't certain that she would ask to use
the potty the next time. Not if she was busy. Life was too good to waste
time on something like that.

* * *

“Nurse Talia, we're going to need the medicine cheese.”

“Okay!” Talia dug through the box of play food then handed Lily a
plastic slice of swiss cheese.

Lily fed the cheese to the stuffed mouse. “We can only let her have a
nibble. We don't want her to gain super jumping powers like the last
one.”

“Oh no!” Betsaida lifted a plastic cow onto its hind legs. “The cow is
sick, and it's spraying milk everywhere!”

The three giggled and shielded themselves with random animals, but
Sophie didn't play along. “You don't even know what vets do,” she said
as she held a stethoscope to an alligator's snout. “Medicine cheese
isn't real.”

Lily lifted the mouse over her head. “The milk gave the mouse jumping
powers!” She brought the mouse down onto Talia's head.

Rather than run, Talia used the opportunity to hug her. “I'm glad you're
coming to my house, Lily. You're my favorite funny person.”

Betsaida hugged Lily from the other side. “She's my favorite and my
twin. That's why she came to my house first.”

“As long as I'm not the cow's favorite,” Lily said through a nervous
smile. “I know! Maybe I should invite you both to one big sleepover?”

Before Talia or Betsaida could agree, Miss Anne clapped her hands.
“Alright, squirrels. Let's circle up for story time.”

Everyone found a seat on the floor. Lily chose the spot between Betsaida
and Talia before an argument could begin. Miss Anne barely read past the
title before a coughing fit made her stop.

“Are you okay?” everyone asked.

“I'm fine.” Miss Anne smiled, but she read less than a sentence before
the second attack. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

“Could I read?” Lily asked. “So you can save your voice.”

“That's very kind of you. Thank you, Lily.”

Miss Anne let Lily take the book and the chair. The story was a
variation on the Three Billy Goats Gruff where the troll had designed
and built the bridge himself. Lily read with much expression, but her
audience was losing interest. From jealousy as much as boredom, she
guessed. When she reached a scene with the troll, she motioned for Oscar
to stand up.

“The troll growled,” she read then nodded to Oscar.

“What?”

“The troll growled.”

Oscar arched his fingers like claws. “Rawr!”

As each goat made it's way across the bridge, Lily nodded to another of
her friends. Soon they were all listening again in anticipation of their
next stage direction.

When the story was over, Miss Anne applauded. “You were all quite
wonderful. Well done, squirrels. How about art time?”

After everyone helped bring out the supplies, Miss Anne asked them to
fold booklets with drawing paper and write their own stories.

“Will we get to read our stories for everyone?” Sophie asked.

“That sounds like a good idea, Sophie-squirrel.”

Though everyone worked, they shared very little to maintain the
surprises in their stories. Lily glanced over at Miss Anne, who smiled
back, seeming to enjoy the intense quiet. Lily wrote and illustrated a
story about a girl who lived alone in a tiny house in the woods. The
girl magically turned into a raincloud during the day, and Lily wrote
several pages about all the girl saw as she floated above the woods. But
the final two pages gave her pause. Something seemed missing from the
story.

She glanced around at the others to see what they were drawing.  Sophie
was scowling at her paper.

“What's wrong?” Lily asked.

“I can't draw a dragon that looks good.“

“Oh that's...” Lily stopped herself before she said easy. “That's
actually pretty hard, but it's easier if you do it in steps. Draw a
triangle, like this. Then you add the horns.”

On a scrap piece of paper, Lily took Sophie through simplified steps for
drawing a dragon. When it was finished, Sophie frowned at her dragon,
which didn't look as good as Lily's. For a moment, Lily feared Sophie
would be angry that her story was ruined.

“Oh, it just needs fire,” Sophie said. “Thank you, Lily.”

Sophie drew gushes of red and orange across her page. Lily smiled, and a
moment later, she decided the ending to her story and quickly drew the
final two images.

When Lily was done, Miss Anne rubbed her shoulders from behind. She bent
down to whisper. “Thank you for helping Sophie. Why don't you step
across the hall for a change? It'll be recess after art.”

Taking her story so no one would read it, Lily skipped toward Miss
Britt's class. Miss Anne's smile and thank you lightened her step. Lily
was the best at everything again, but it didn't make her doubt her lie.
All her worries had simply vanished.

Miss Britt was on the phone, and she cupped a hand over the receiver
when she saw Lily. “I'll be with you in just a minute.”

Some of the kids were playing with various dolls and action figures, one
played with a puzzle by himself, but Lily joined the girls at the
kitchen set.

“Lily's back!” they squealed.

Lily picked up a deep pan. “Want to make a cake with me?”

They started with flour and butter, but after eating the third cake,
they began to add increasingly weird and inedible ingredients. Lily was
ready to suggest a game other than wrench-and-octopus-cake when Miss
Britt called her into the bathroom. Lily climbed up the stool and onto
the changing table then laid back.

“What have you got there?” Miss Britt asked.

“It's a story. I wrote it myself.”

“Would you read it for me?” Miss Britt asked while she unbuttoned Lily's
jeans.

Lily read while Miss Britt worked. The new diaper was half-taped when
the door swung open unexpectedly. Lily turned her head to see Betsaida.

“Is Lily ready to-” Betsaida's eyes were struck by waves of confusion,
anger, and sadness. Confused herself, Lily watched tears poured down her
friend's cheeks before she ran away. That reaction shocked Lily more
than her friend's unannounced entrance. Was Bet really just finding out?
she wondered. When Lily left Miss Britt's room, she found Miss Anne and
Betsaida in the hallway.

“But that means she won't be in the same class as me,” Betsaida was
saying, her back turned to Lily.

“Of course she will. She's not a baby. She's a big girl like you, but
her body just isn't able to hold on long enough for her to use the
potty.” Miss Anne glanced over the little girl's shoulder at Lily. She
had an anxious look as if she dreaded what would happen next.

“She used to,” Bet said.

Lily could easily picture herself letting the floodgates open and crying
until Miss Anne solved it. Instead she stepped forward. “No, I always
had problems.”

Betsaida turned, but Miss Anne was the one who looked shocked for a
moment. “That's right,” Miss Anne said, managing a weak smile.

Lily smiled and took her friend's hand. “But I'll still be in your
class, silly.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

* * *

Betsaida's mood took a turn after her discovery, but she didn't take it
out on Lily. She stayed close to her twin, as if protecting her from the
other girls. As they debated what to play, it became clear she was also
pushing for an argument with Sophie on the playground.

“But I want to play Princess Andromeda,” Betsaida said.

“But Talia and I want to play horses,” Sophie insisted.

“Why can't we play both?” Lily asked. When the others turned to her with
suspicious scowls, Lily just rolled her eyes. “I'm serious. Why can't
Princess Andromeda go to a planet where the horses can talk? Or maybe
she went back to old times and there are knights and dragons and stuff.”

They each chose their roles, but Sophie was slow to accept the idea. As
Betsaida as Andromeda approached, Sophie reared and kicked her hooves.
Betsaida chased, shooting magic from her staff. Lily didn't feel like
such a hostile game, so as Alcyone she offered Sophie a carrot. Sophie
smiled, and the tone changed instantly. The girls managed to work
together to rescue the horse planet from a mega-volcano before Julia
arrived early. Lily complained and asked to do the slide one more time.
Julia and Miss Anne were still talking when she finished hugging all of
her friends goodbye.

Miss Anne smiled and rubbed Lily's head. “Yes, she's her honest and best
self again. It's good to have our Lily back”

“I was always here,” Lily said, though she was glad her teacher had
noticed too.

Miss Anne leaned down to hug her. “Have a good afternoon, Lily. Make
sure you run inside and grab your story with your backpack. I'm sure
your aunt would love to see it.”

Lily skipped into the building and gathered her things while Julia
fetched Gavin from his room. Her face hurt from smiling when she held
her story up to Julia.

“Why don't you read it to me in the car?” Julia asked.

“No, you have to see the pictures too.”

“Alright, alright.” Julia read the story quickly and beamed when she
reached the end. “Aww. Her mother was a flower the whole time? That's
sweet. But why did she have to be a rain girl? Why couldn't she be a
sunshine girl?”

Lily groaned. “Because. Stories don't work like that.”

“Well, little sunshine girl, I have a surprise for you when we get home.
Do you have everything?”

“What's the surprise?”

Gavin bounced on his toes. “Do you have one for me too?”

Julia took their hands. “It will have to wait for later. Right now,
let's get home and eat some lunch.”

* * *

The announcement couldn't wait until lunch was over, but though Julia
announced it with enthusiasm, it was met with silence.

“I thought you'd be happy,” Julia said. “Your daddy is finally coming
home!”

“I am,” Lily insisted. She couldn't explain the panic in her heart to
Julia. Everything had been going so well, but this was the factor she
couldn't control. She had not plan, and she felt helpless. After lunch
ended, Lily considered confessing everything to Julia to try to minimize
the damage, but she had no idea how her aunt would react or what
punishment might follow. If she told Dad first, he might find it funny.
Maybe he would play along for a while. Lily believed it could happen. He
always tolerated her stories, if only so far. But Lily had no idea how
he'd react to her failed potty-training - that wasn't explained by the
lie. As horrifying as confessing could be, Lily thought it was much,
much worse to imagine that Dad already knew everything and just hadn't
corrected Julia.

Hours later, Lily sat in the lobby of Wells Behavior beside Selene. She
felt more frightened than ever. Selene held her trembling hand and kept
telling her that everything would be fine.

“What do I do?” Lily whispered.

“Be yourself.”

“But what does that mean?”

Selene chuckled. “It means be yourself.”

Lily swung her legs over the edge of the chair. “I don't know how.”

“Do you like playing with your toys?”

“Yes.”

“Then keep playing with them. Do you still want to go to your friend's
house?”

“Yes.”

“Then go.” Selene turned her attention back to the TV, as if the issue
was settled. When Lily didn't stop trembling, Selene squeezed her hand
again. “It'll be fine,” she said for the hundredth time. “You'll see.”

Lily tried to clear her mind, and without anything else to focus on, she
watched the news on the lobby TV. Unlike the emergency room, this one
had sound.

“The suspect was identified as local resident Kurt Winston through posts
he made on a social network. There, before the attack, the suspect
allegedly called for the mass killing of Muslims and other groups.
Although at least two more suspects are still at large, the FBI have
confirmed that Winston will be charged for the murders, which now
include the death of cult leader Sadal Melik. Melik died last night in
St Catherine's as the result of injuries sustained in the attack.”

When Selene next glanced at Lily, she followed Lily's stare toward the
TV then rose to speak with the receptionist. After a hushed
conversation, the channel was changed and a sitcom's laughter filled the
lobby.

Sometime later, Bob opened the double doors. “Come on back, you two.
We're just gathering his things now.”

Halfway down the hall, they passed a set of bathrooms. Lily stopped. “I
need a change,” she said.

Bob held out his hand. “We'll handle that when we get home. Alright
caterpillar? We're almost done here. It won't be more than a few
minutes.”

The nurses along the way buzzed them through sets of locked double
doors. They passed another lobby with couches and tables. Patients
played cards and watched a TV of their own. They glanced up as the
family passed. Lily thought they looked broken-hearted.

“So Dad and I are going back to Grammy's?” Lily asked.

“No, kiddo. Your dad's going to need a wheelchair and help moving around
for a little while, so he's moving in to our house too. We're probably
going to sell Grammy's house.”

“Why?”

“We'll talk about it later,” Bob said.

Lily didn't believe they would ever talk about it, but she knew she
couldn't change the adults' decision.

Lily's eyes filled with tears when she saw Dad. They hugged, though it
was difficult with him in a wheelchair, and he winced when Lily put too
much weight on his legs. Bob and Julia filled a bag with Dad's clothes
and other belongings, and then they wheeled him back through the maze of
checkpoints. As they walked, Lily watched her father's troubled
expression, which seemed to say everything she couldn't.

They waited outside the front door while Bob crossed the parking lot for
the car. Lily stood next to her father and held his hand.

“Dad, there's something I should tell you,” she began.

“No, princess, there are so many things I should tell you. I'm sorry.
That's first. I failed you, and I don't know what would have happened if
your aunt and uncle couldn't care for you.”

“No, Dad, it was just an accident and the medicine.”

“No, Lily, I...” Dad began to cry again. “I want to do better for you. I
just don't know how. I'm just not able anymore.”

Dad was lost. His eyes were distant. Lily knew he wasn't ready to hear.
Just like the days after Grammy's funeral, he seemed trapped inside his
own mind, overcome by his own burdens. Lily knew she would protect him
from the truth for a while, but selfishly, she was thankful to have a
little more time to be seven. Besides, she thought, he wouldn't be able
to go up and down the stairs. She could be seven upstairs, and be...
what? Who else would she be? That girl was gone.

  Chapter 26

Lily pushed her book across the counter and looked up at the librarian.
“Can I renew this?”

The librarian smiled and scanned the book. “Enjoy!”

Her classmates were still searching for their own books, so Lily sat on
a rug to read and wait. Like most of the academy, brightly colored
posters and the occasional piece of handmade art covered every inch of
the walls. Weeks into the new routine, second grade proved everything
Lily had hoped: the pace was slow, the work easy and fun, and the adults
warm and kind. Contented, Lily sat with her legs in a W and flipped
through her book for the hundredth time.

Mrs Williams pulled up a chair across from Lily. “What did you choose,
Lily? The Very Hungry Caterpillar? You read so well, why did you pick
that one again?”

“I like the paintings. I want to be a painter when I grow up.” Lily
remembered how her old teachers obsessed over the money that different
jobs paid. Her new classmates loved sharing their ambitions almost as
often as they changed them, but whether they said hair stylist or
astronaut, Mrs Williams and the other teachers supported their dreams.

Yet Mrs Williams didn't seem satisfied this time. “Wouldn't you rather
read a book about girls going on an adventure? Magic and mystery?”

“Maybe next time.”

As if sharing a secret, Mrs Williams lowered her voice. “Do you like the
book you're reading in Mr Morse's class? I heard it's scary.”

“It's not too scary.”

“That's good at least. Maybe you need a break from it, hm?” Mrs Williams
winked then left to talk to another student.

Lily thought it sweet the way Mrs Williams checked in on how she was
doing in her upper reading class, though she sometimes wondered if her
teacher was worried. Mrs Williams had seemed shocked by the novel that
Mr Morse assigned, but her motherly, protective attitude was comforting.
She had a way of making Lily feel special. She was kind and encouraging
toward all her students, of course, but sometimes - when she let Lily
help with a science experience or used Lily as an example of good
behavior - Lily thought she might be Mrs Williams's favorite. Lily had
never been the teacher's favorite before, and she was surprised at how
much the recognition meant to her.

Betsaida took a seat beside Lily and opened a picture encyclopedia about
great cats. Lily closed her own book to look at the pictures too. The
first few pages were all about baby lions and tigers.

“Look!” Lily squeaked. “Those two cubs look like twins.”

Betsaida sighed. “It's sad that we're not going to be twins anymore.”

Lily turned her head sideways. “What are you talking about?”

“My birthday is next week. So I'll be a whole year older.”

“My birthday is next month. That's only two weeks away.”

Betsaida looked at her friend like she was clueless. “I'll be eight
first, though. And besides, I'm already taller.”

“No, you're not.”

Accepting the challenge, they both stood. Lily maintained they were the
same height, but Betsaida insisted it was too close to tell so they ran
to Mrs Williams to settle the dispute.

Mrs Williams rubbed her chin. “I do think Betsaida has a tiny fraction
of an inch on you, Lily.”

“That's not fair,” Lily blurted. The injustice tied her eyebrows into a
confused knot.

“Everyone grows in different ways. Is that so surprising?”

Lily's real age danced on the tip of her tongue. She had every right to
be surprised. She was five years older than Betsaida! But before Lily
could reveal herself, Mrs Williams announced it was time to line up at
the door. Lily was standing on her tip-toes in line in an attempt to see
over Betsaida's head when she caught a disappointed look from Mrs
Williams. Lily stopped immediately, and only then realized the kids
behind her were fighting over a spot in line. Lily realized Mrs Williams
probably meant the look for them. When the other kids didn't stop, Mrs
Williams made everyone sit and line-up all over again.

As they waited a second time, a boy behind Lily spoke up. “Mrs W, Lily
smells like baby powder.”

The whole class laughed until Mrs Williams gave them a withering look.
She made them sit again, and when they formed a third line, everyone
stared silently at their toes.

Embarrassed to be called out in front of everyone, Lily's own head hung
low as she followed the line out of the library. The school year had
started so pleasantly that the first taste of bullying had caught her
off-guard. Betsaida, however, looked furious, and Lily wondered if her
friend would come to her rescue by recess before a snarl of doubt
remembered her friend's new attitude. Was Betsaida still her best friend
if they weren't twins? The thought hurt worse than any amount of
teasing.

Once they returned to the classroom, Mrs Williams didn't let them sit.
“We are family in room,” she said as she paced among them. “We want our
family to feel good about themselves, don't we?”

“Yes, Mrs W.”

“Don't we want them to become the best they can be?”

“Yes, Mrs W.”

“When everyone around us succeeds, are we inspired to do better
ourselves? Yes, of course we are. We can achieve greater and greater
things if we work together, but it all falls apart if anyone thinks
they're not welcomed in our family, if anyone thinks they aren't good
enough. Now, without talking, push your chairs toward the wall.” When
nobody moved, Mrs Williams added, “I said now.”

Mrs Williams passed out their vocabulary assignment, but she made the
class stand at their desks to write. “Until everyone is finished and has
the correct answers.”

A few complained, but they were dismissed quickly. As usual, Lily
finished first, but when she tried to turn in her paper, Mrs Williams
covered the inbox with her hand without even looking at Lily's answers.
Lily felt panic stir inside her, and she wondered what she'd done to
make her teacher upset with her too.

Her confusion must have shown on her face, because Mrs Williams winked.
“Weren't you listening, Lily? We achieve more when everyone works
together.”

Lily turned toward the class. Everyone was working silently, but despite
their hunched concentration, she could read the shame on their faces.
Watching Mrs Williams for sign of disapproval, Lily approached Talia
first.

“You should think about number four,” Lily whispered. She walked around
the room helping others, and as the rest caught on, they began to wave
her over to help. Lily wandered alone at first, but as other students
finished, they too began checking answers.

Her classmates were gathered around the desks of the last three students
to finish when Mrs Williams called Lily over. Lily glanced at the clock,
and only then did she notice how uncomfortable her diaper had grown. She
swung the hall pass and waved to the janitor and receptionists on her
way to the back of the office. The door opened when she arrived, and a
boy hurried out of the office. Lily didn't know his name, but they had
crossed each other's path more than once at the nurse's office.

Nurse Chilton ushered Lily into the room then locked the door behind
them. “Good morning, Lily. You look happy as always.”

Lily waited as Nurse Chilton laid fresh paper on the bed. “Does that boy
come here every day?” Lily asked.

“Oh, I can't really talk about other students,” Nurse Chilton said as
she opened the cabinet containing Lily's supplies. “You know that. But
lots of students come here every day. For medicine, shots, blood sugar
tests...”

“Diapers?” Lily asked as she climbed up and waited.

“I think you know the answer to that.” Mrs Chilton lowered Lily's
leggings. “Why do you ask? Are you curious or is someone making you feel
bad?”

Despite the teasing in the library, Lily shook her head. Even if it
happened again, she knew Mrs Williams would take care of it. “Kids used
to make fun of me at my old school all the time when I had accidents.”

Nurse Chilton raised an eyebrow as she untaped the wet diaper. “You
didn't wear any protection?”

Lily shook her head again. She wondered if the word accidents sounded as
funny to Nurse Chilton as it did to her.

“Kids your age think bathroom humor is funny. It's probably different to
see it happening than to see that someone is dealing with it. All done.
I'll see you this afternoon.”

On her return, Lily paused at a drinking fountain, finding pleasure in
how perfectly sized it was - just like everything in her new life.
Whatever evidence remained of that other Lily, she doubted Mrs Williams,
Nurse Chilton, or anyone would believe they were the same person. That
the two Lilies shared a name was just a coincidence.

* * *

That afternoon, Lily was sent to her reading group in the fourth and
fifth grade wing of the academy. The other students, all fifth graders
but one, had already circled the desks, so Lily silently sat and waited
for Mr Morse to begin the lesson. Even the slightly larger desks made
her feel unwelcome. Hardly anyone ever spoke to her except as part of
group work. It was a reminder of how different she had always felt among
her taller peers, and how much happier she was every minute in Mrs
Williams's class.

After a short quiz on the chapter they read as homework, Mr Morse
invited them to share their thoughts. He went around the circle, letting
everyone have a turn. When it was Lily's turn, she shook her head. Mr
Morse frowned but moved on. Lily wondered if Mr Morse believed she
belonged and how much longer she would be allowed to stay. She liked
him, but she felt intimidated by the other students. The fifth graders
had a cocky attitude that she couldn't relate with, and they always
found ways to disagree with each other.

“She ran away because she wants to become a werewolf herself,” a girl
was saying.

“No, she wanted to help him find a cure,” a boy corrected.

Mr Morse sat back while others took sides in the argument. Lily hated
this part of class, and she felt her frustration bubbling. She didn't
understand why a teacher would let students say things that were
obviously wrong.

“But she didn't know,” Lily interjected. Embarrassed at the outburst,
she slouched again so no one would notice.

Other students tried to add their thoughts, but Mr Morse raised his hand
for silence. “Hold on. Let's let Lily speak.”

Lily stared down at her desk.

“Lily? You had something to say. Care to explain?”

“She didn't know the boy was a werewolf when she ran away with him. And
she packed to leave in the second chapter, before they even talked. The
first time she packed, I mean.” Lily trailed off as she looked around at
the circle of blank faces. “She was always going to run away.”

“That's an interesting point. Can you find the page where she first
mentions running away?”

Someone else found the page, but Mr Morse made Lily read it.

The boy from before looked confused. “But she believes he's the werewolf
because of his hair.”

“No, Lily's right,” another student said. “She thinks he has a secret
and looks weird, but she only figures it out later when she finds his
clothes in the hollow tree.”

Mr Morse raised his hand again. “This might be a good time to learn
about dramatic irony. Pull out your writer's notebooks and let's start a
new entry.”

While the class prepared to take notes, Mr Morse gave Lily a secret
smile. She couldn't help but smile back.

* * *

Kneeling beside the fridge where Lily's drawing of Humphrey hung, Julia
pulled her niece into a tight hug. “Wow! Twelve out of ten? We have to
hang this on the fridge. Oh, but did you show your dad yet?”

Lily shook her head.

“Let's do that first.” Julia released Lily from the hug but not before
giving her diaper a quick check.

The curtains in the living room were drawn, leaving the room darker than
the rest of the house. Dad said the light hurt his eyes. Now that he was
allowed to walk again, the sun was his new excuse for avoiding physical
therapy or leaving the house in general. He had grumbled the one time
Lily suggested sunglasses, so she hadn't tried again.

“Lily has something to show you, David. She earned extra credit on her
test last Friday.”

Dad was stretched out on the couch under the blanket that he alternately
hugged and cast aside. He glanced at the test but didn't take it from
Julia's outstretched hand. “Good, good,” he said as he turned his
attention back to the screen where a chef was preparing some kind of
sauce.

Resentment burned through Lily's mind. She couldn't believe Dad was
interested in the show - he was a terrible cook. Yet he had just seen
her second grade spelling test, and all he could say about it was that
it was “good.” Did he notice? Did he not care? She could never tell if
he was disappointed, sad, angry, happy or anything at all, but the
effect was the same. She felt as abandoned as she had when he'd been in
the hospital, but instead of feeling sad, her stubborn, contrary side
wanted her to provoke Dad. Even if it meant raising his anger, even if
it meant ending the lie, she wanted him to react.

But watching Dad's expressionless stare, Lily's anger faded quickly. In
the dark, he might not be able to see the spelling words, she reasoned.
Maybe he didn't understand that his twelve-year-old daughter was doing
second-grade work. There was no other explanation she could imagine.

In a spark of inspiration, she ran for her backpack and pulled out
another assignment. “I painted this last week. I got an A on it too.”

Lily shoved a painting of a tree and an over-sized leaf into Dad's face.
Everything was labeled from the roots to the yellow rays of sunshine.
Lily had done the best she could, but the simple vocabulary and simple
colors still screamed elementary school. Dad didn't react.

“Mrs Williams said I'm the best painter in second grade,” Lily lied.

“It's nice,” Dad said as his eyes returned to the TV.

Maybe his hearing was off too, Lily wondered. Before she could dream up
a new plan,  Julia placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Let's leave your dad in peace and head upstairs.”

In Lily's room, Julia laid the towel out. Lily grabbed a Barbie before
climbing onto her bed. She made the doll do a gymnastics routine while
she waited for Julia.

“Do you have any homework?” Julia asked.

“I did it on the bus,” Lily said without meeting Julia's eyes.

“Really? I don't need to check do I?”

“It was just reading one chapter.”

“This is the book about the girl who's a werewolf?”

Lily kept playing as her legs were lifted into the air. “The boy is a
werewolf,” she explained. “The girl is a maid.”

“Not a princess?”

Lily shook her head. “There aren't any princesses in big kid books.”

“Well big kid, you're all clean.”

Lily looked up from the Barbie then scooted to the edge of the bed. “I
want to paint.”

Julia continued putting away the changing supplies. “Number one, that's
not how we ask. Number two, I think you should play upstairs in your
room or Gavin's for now. It'll be dinner before too long, and besides,
your Dad's in a lot of pain today.”

Grabbing a couple more Barbies, Lily carried them down the hall toward
Gavin's room. She may as well enjoy herself so long as Dad wasn't ready
to end the lie. At least her seven-year-old life was predictable. She
had no idea what would change once the spell was broken.

* * *

Lily pushed a steamed carrot across her plate. “Betsaida thinks her baby
brother will be born on her birthday.”

“Oh?” Julia raised an eyebrow. “I didn't think her mother was that far
along. Well, let's hope not for Betsaida's sake. What a way to spend a
birthday.”

Gavin smacked his lips after taking a long gulp of water. “Can we play
the animal game? I'm done.”

Bob and Julia's eyes met across the table. “Sure,” Bob said. “I'm
thinking of an animal.”

“Is it a reptile?” Lily asked.

“Yes, Bob said. “But you need to eat a carrot before your next question
though.”

Lily frowned at her plate, but she nibbled on a carrot while Gavin
guessed random animals. With Julia's help, Gavin narrowed it down to a
two-legged lizard. Lily chewed as quickly as she could.

“Is it one of those lizards with neck frills in the desert?” she asked.

“I know! It's a bird,” Gavin said.

“No and no,” Bob answered.

Lily was stumped and couldn't picture any other two-legged reptiles.
Disappointed with herself, she looked down the table at her father. With
the same distant stare he always had, she wondered if he was even paying
attention. Lily decided to provoke him again.

Copying Gavin's excited motions, Lily rose onto her knees and tried to
think of the worst guess possible. “Is it a penguin?” she asked as she
picked up a piece of carrot with her fingers.

“No, I already said it's a reptile.

“Lily, use your fork,” Julia said. “So, it's a reptile with two legs who
eats meat. Is it extinct?”

“A dinosaur!” Gavin shouted.

“Yes, but which one?”

“A T-rex!”

“Gavin wins!”

After applauding quickly for Gavin, Lily turned to Julia. “Can we have
dessert now?”

“We're actually going to wait on desert. Let's wipe hands and faces if
everyone's done.”

“But you made brownies.” An hour before dinner, the whole house had
smelled of brownies. Even Dad had noticed that when they all converged
on the kitchen. Julia had denied them a taste then too.

“They're for special guests,” she said.

On cue, the doorbell rang. Selene and Julia stood at the same time.

“That must be them,” Julia said. ”Selene, do you want to let your friend
in? I'll get dessert ready.”

Selene had been silent through most of the dinner. Lily wondered if
Selene had reason to worry about the guests, but Selene smiled as she
left for the living room. Bob checked that Gavin and Lily had cleaned
their hands, then ushered them into the living room too. Standing near
the door was a teenager and what must have been her mother.

“This is Addi,” Selene said. “She's a friend from school.”

Addi waved. “Hi, everyone. Oh, you must be Lily? Selene's told me all
about you.”

Unsure what Selene could have said, Lily became self-conscious and
stayed close to Julia through the introductions. While Bob asked Addi
questions about school, Lily followed Julia into the kitchen to help
serve brownies and ice cream. When everyone had a plate, Lily sat on the
floor near Julia's feet to eat.

“Do you play volleyball too?” Julia asked.

Addi laughed. “I'm too clumsy for that. I'm more into art and writing.”

“Lily's an artist. Go get your drawing of Humphrey.” Julia nudged Lily,
so she got up to take her drawing down from the fridge.

When Lily returned, Dad pushed himself to his feet. “I'm going to take
my meds and lie down for the night.” He stumbled off toward his room on
stiff legs without a single good night to anyone.

Addi examined the drawing. “This is really good! And she's only seven,
Mom. Can you believe it?”

Lily nodded. At least Selene hadn't told her friend everything.

Julia asked Selene and Lily to clean up plates and silverware. As she
moved, Lily became self-conscious again with the weight of her diaper
hanging between her legs. Hoping she hadn't leaked, she checked the seat
of her leggings when she was in the kitchen and out-of-sight.

“You're okay,” Selene said behind her. “No one can tell.”

Lily jumped at the unexpected voice. Her cheeks burned as she returned
to the living room.

Julia and Addi's mom talked while they cleaned, and when they were done,
Julia said, “Why don't you girls head up to Lily's room.”

Lily's heart raced. Had Julia really just suggested that Selene change
her in front of a stranger?

When they reached Lily's room, Addi rushed over to the display of Koala
Town figures. “Koala Town! You even have the raccoons. They're so cute.
That was my favorite show as a little kid.”

Skeptical, Lily's lips twisted. “Really?”

“I'm learning Japanese so I can watch the fourth season. They never
aired it here.”

It was a weird reaction from a girl in high school, but Lily thought she
could use it to delay her diaper change at least. “Do you want to play
with me?”

“Sure!”

Selene made no move toward the dresser, so Lily brought out the
tree-house. Addi gushed even more and helped set up the families for a
party in the too-small house.

“The Owls will have to stand on the roof,” Lily said.

Addi picked up the Papa Owl. “We always have to stand on the roof!”

Selene watched from the bed. “See, I thought you two would get along.
You have a lot in common. Like diapers.”

Lily's jaw dropped.

Addi scowled. “Selene! Don't just jump in and say that. Maybe she
doesn't want me to know?”

“But I-” Selene began.

Addi had turned to Lily. “It's okay if you don't want to talk about it.
I understand.”

Lily was still following Selene's implication. “You wear diapers too?”
she asked.

“I do. For about three years now.”

“All the time? Even school?”

“Mhm. That's how Selene and I met. She told off some other girls when
they were making fun of me in gym.”

“Oh,” was all Lily could say. Addi seemed unnaturally mellow about the
confession, but Lily, imagining herself in the same situation, felt
mortified enough for two.  However long she could draw out the lie, she
knew there was a limit, and she would someday find herself in a gym
class without Selene or Mrs Williams there to help her.

“So,” Addi said. “I hear you're a pretty good reader? Want to prove it?”

Lily knew Addi was trying to distract her, but with her mind spinning,
she welcomed the distraction. “I'll read you my favorite book,” Lily
said and ran to her backpack.

“The hungry caterpillar?” Addi asked when she saw the book. “I love the
paintings in this.”

“Me too!” Lily said.

The three sat on Lily's bed while she read the caterpillar's journey
from egg to butterfly with plenty of hand motions and sound effects. All
of her embarrassment had fled, replaced with an abundance of energy.
Addi laughed, encouraging Lily to get more animated. The story was over
so quickly that Lily was surprised to find she was leaning against Addi
at the end.

“Thank you for the story,” Addi said. “Have you ever tried water colors?
Maybe I could come over and we could paint together.”

“Really?” The word was out of Lily's mouth before she could analyze how
happy the thought made her.

“Would you like that?”

Lily nodded eagerly.

“Alright,” Selene said. “Lily probably needs a change.”

“I'll meet you downstairs.” Addi waved before leaving.

Within a minute, Selene was untaping Lily's diaper. “I knew you'd like
her.”

“She's nice,” Lily said. “Will she really come over again?”

“If you want her to.”

Lily did. She had so many questions for Addi about diapers. Did her
mother still change her? Why did she have to wear them? Lily had
accepted that she needed diapers, but she had never seen proof that
anyone other than babies wore them. Then here Addi was, a teenager in
diapers, and yet Lily felt more like a little kid than ever around her.

“Thank you,” Lily said as Selene pulled her leggings back up.

“It was nothing.”

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Addi and her mother were
preparing to leave. Addi bent down and opened her arms for a hug. Lily
rushed over.

Julia smiled. “She really seems to have warmed up to you, Addi.”

Addi's mother nodded. “She has a special gift with the little ones.”

Addi brushed Lily's hair before standing. “I want to be an early
childhood psychologist.”

Bob laughed. “Please, come back any time if you want a couple of
subjects to experiment on.”

“I'm not an experiment!” Gavin shouted as he ran out of the room.

  Chapter 27

The details of Lily's nightmare faded faster than the fear. She tried to
piece together the dissolving images, but all that remained was a sick
feeling in her stomach. Under the eerie glow of the hallway night light,
she pulled her thumb and Amelia beneath the blanket with her, but she
burned with too much nervous energy to sleep.

Carrying her stuffed elephant, Lily took each step slowly so that the
creaking stairs wouldn't wake anyone. She rounded the bottom banister
and ducked into Dad's room. The bed was covered in pillows that had been
precisely arranged once, before Dad's fitful sleep tossed some to the
floor. In the blinking light of sleeping electronics, Lily found a
crevice in the pillows and curled up beside her father. She was tumbling
into a dream again when Dad stirred.

“Go back to bed, pumpkin.”

“I had a nightmare.”

Dad's clumsy arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer. “You're
wet,” he mumbled. “You should change your pull-up.”

“I want you to change me,” Lily whispered, but her eyes few open when
she realized what she had said. She listened, but Dad's breathing didn't
change. Lily wondered if he'd even heard her. Perhaps she'd spoken too
softly.

A shape appeared at the doorway. “Lily? Come back upstairs,” Selene
approached the bed and found Lily's shoulder. “Let's let your dad
sleep.”

Lily wasn't ready to leave, despite her mistake, but she didn't resist
when Selene pried her from the blankets and carried her toward the
stairs. There, Selene set Lily down and crouched to look her in the eye.

“Do you think he knows yet?” Selene whispered. “It's weird, isn't it?
Has he said anything to you?”

“I don't care,” Lily mumbled. The question was confusing even without
Selene in the middle, and Lily wasn't awake enough to want anything but
a warm, safe bed.

“Do you want to sleep with me?” Selene asked.

Lily nodded.

“Let's get you changed first so you don't leak.”

Lily's thumb found her mouth by the time she lay on her bed again,
waiting. The dry diaper wasn't yet taped when her eyes closed.

* * *

“Just a couple more bites, Lily, then we really have to head upstairs.”
Julia sipped her coffee without looking up from her phone.

Lily pushed her oatmeal aside. “I'm not hungry.”

With her father staring at her from across the table, Lily's appetite
had cowered under the table like a frightened puppy. Dad hadn't said a
word, but he watched Lily's every interaction as if his eyes were
focusing for the first time since he'd come home. He left his own coffee
untouched.

Lily knew whatever life remained in the lie might be measured in
minutes. If only she could confess in a way that would eliminate any
punishment, she told herself, but after weeks of thought, she still
didn't have a solution. Now her father was awake, and in their most
private moment since his return, she had barely been seven. After acting
so childish, she could no longer pin the blame solely on her aunt.

Julia was watching from the other end of the table. “Are you ready then?
Let's go.”

But Lily didn't climb down immediately, and Julia had to pull out her
chair. Feeling like her second life was ending, Lily couldn't stop the
tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Are you not feeling well, sweetie?” Julia hugged her and placed a hand
against her forehead. “Do you have a big test today? No one's bullying
you at school are they?”

After Julia noticed, Lily's tears came more out of embarrassment that
she was crying at all. She held out her arms.

Julia lifted Lily onto her hip. “It's Friday!” she chirped. “Only a
half-day even. You'll be done before lunch, and then we go to your
parent-teacher conference this afternoon. You're not worried about that
are you? Mrs Williams always has such nice things to say in email. And
then this evening it's Betsaida's birthday! Aren't you excited?”

Julia bounced Lily on her hip, and Lily could tell that Julia didn't
believe anything serious was wrong. Julia probably thought she was
crying over nothing but a wet diaper.

“Let's get you into a dry diaper for school, okay honey?”

As Julia carried her into the living room, Lily glanced back at her
father. He looked as if his batteries had died, and Lily wondered
whether his medicine had taken effect. She remembered how during the
night Selene claimed they needed to let Dad sleep, and she wondered why
he needed to sleep so much. Lily's imagination conjured the image of
Selene poisoning her father. Julia would have to be in on it too, she
knew. But why?

Lying on her bed, Lily felt her thumb in her mouth, and when Julia
didn't scold her, she focused on the soothing feeling. Once a dry diaper
was taped into place, Julia paused to tickle Lily's feet. Lily jerked.
Though not in the mood to play, the jolt broke through her darker
thoughts like sunlight piercing a cloud.

“There's our girl.” Julia smiled before heading to the closet.

“I want the flower dress,” Lily said.

“I thought we'd save that for the party tonight.”

Lily nodded. Soon her arms were in the air as Julia slipped a different
dress over her head. She knew her family wasn't poisoning her father,
but the suspicious feeling remained. Why? she wondered. If it wasn't for
Julia, she might have stayed in bed all day. She might not have dressed
or changed out her wet diaper. Gavin depended on his parents less than
she did, and Lily wondered if the same was true for Dad. If not poison,
maybe they had other ways of making Dad feel just as tired and helpless
as her. Maybe that was how she would begin her confession. Maybe they
would run away together.

After tying Lily's shoes, Julia brushed her hair. Lily's anxiety broke
again under waves of pleasure. She would miss this when she wasn't
allowed to be seven anymore, but she already did in a way. She hadn't
found as much comfort or happiness in being seven since Dad returned.

Julia spoke softly. “You're so sensitive. I bet it's hard to see your
father like this, isn't it? But you're allowed to be happy for all the
good things too.”

Lily didn't question how Julia knew the perfect thing to say. Like when
Julia first diapered her so long ago. Let's make it easier, Julia said.
Let's not worry. It wasn't just diapers Lily needed. Being seven helped
her not worry, helped her be happy. Wasn't that a reason to continue the
lie?

Lily wanted to test her new theory. “I'm sorry I sucked my thumb.”

Julia held her chin. “Sweetheart, you don't have to be sorry for that.
Sometimes when you go through great big changes, you have to take a
couple steps back in other areas for a little bit.”

Julia's approval meant everything. Lily felt the sun on her face as a
hundred possibilities withdrew from the clouds.

In a way, being seven was the mature thing to do, Lily decided. It
hardly even seemed a lie in that light, more like a brace to help her
heal. Lily didn't know it when she wrote the lie, but that was just how
clever she could be. She had found a solution by taking a step back,
like Julia said. Most importantly, she had the key to convincing her
father.

* * *

Aside from a pair of women in yoga pants and the toddler who accompanied
them, the Burger Czar was empty. On the ride there, Dad and Julia had
asked about school. Lily tried to stay positive. It had been a very good
day, full of laughter and praise, and it reaffirmed her conclusions that
morning. No one mentioned her breakdown.

Lily helped carry a tray to their table at sat opposite the grown-ups.
After Julia dealt them each their order, Lily opened her burger to check
the toppings.

Julia must have noticed her frown. “Did they get it wrong?”

“They put pickles and onions on it.”

“I'll see if we can get another. We're not in a rush.”

Julia's tone said not to cry. Lily hadn't noticed how close tears felt.
In another life, she would have marched the burger up to the counter
herself, but it hadn't even occurred to her. Lily ate a fry then sank
lower into the booth seat when she was left with her father. It was the
perfect time to confess, but Lily couldn't trust her emotions to
navigate being twelve. She had imagined it would be hard to be seven
around her father, but every minute proved the opposite true. Dad
fidgeted with his straw wrapper but hadn't yet taken a bite of his
sandwich. Lily knew he was preparing to speak.

“I'm sorry, Lily. I haven't really been there for you. Still.”

“You don't have to apologize.”

“I do though. I'm supposed to be your father.”

Lily had expected an intense round of questions over her diapers, over
her crying, over the childish work she'd been doing at school. The
apologies were old news.

“I'm going to ask the doctor to change my medication. It's not good for
you the way I'm hardly present. I know that.”

Lily sat up. “What kind of medication?”

Dad tried to explain, but Julia returned. “Let's put all that aside for
today,” she said. “The dark days are over. Now we just have to live day
by day, alright? Besides, today's about celebrating how well Lily's
doing.”

When they were done eating, Julia suggested Lily might go play on the
playground. Lily had been jealously watching through the glass as the
toddler ran around the play area. She suspected she might be an inch too
tall for the spiraling tubes and bubble pit.

“It's for little kids,” she said.

Julia laughed. “And you're so big, huh? Do you want to take care of the
trash then?”

Glad for the excuse, Lily stood and collected trash onto one of their
trays. She felt Julia's hand slip under her dress to check her diaper.
Embarrassed, she stole a single glance at her father, but he was staring
down at his fries.

* * *

Mrs Williams seemed to glow. “We couldn't get by without Lily. She's
kind and helpful. A real leader.”

“It's the same at home.” Julia reached over to rub Lily's hand.

“I hope she likes the school,” Mrs Williams said.

“She seems happy. She always comes home with stories at least.”

Lily had never known parent-teacher conferences to go well. She was used
to hearing how everyone thought she could do better if only she wouldn't
daydream so much or lie about homework. With Mrs Williams and Julia
speaking such praise, she happily shared the portfolio they'd prepared
at school that week. Writings, drawings, tests. All the evidence to
prove how great being seven was for her.

“And how is she doing academically?” Julia leaned toward Mrs Williams,
and Lily knew her involvement in the conversation was ending.

“It's all good news,” Mrs Williams said. “We do sometimes have to
reminder her it's not a race. Don't we, Lily?”

Mrs Williams used the phrase frequently with her, but Lily had always
taken it as a compliment.

“Especially in math. I think she gets excited to read or draw, so
sometimes she doesn't give the harder problems a second look.”

“Do you think she's understanding the material? Is there anything we can
do at home?”

“I don't think it's too advanced, no, but practice never hurt anyone.”

Lily glanced at her father. He shifted in the stiff chair as his gaze
traveled around the room. He hadn't said a word the entire conference,
but Lily could tell he was truly seeing what was happening. But despite
his apologies earlier, his dark and withdrawn mood hadn't improved. He
looked especially uncomfortable surrounded by the colorful decorations
of a second grade classroom. There was no mistaking any of it. But would
he also see what she wanted him to see?

“Are you okay, sweetie?” Julia asked.

Lily tried to smile.

“Just tired?”

Lily nodded, and Mrs Williams gave her a quizzical look. Lily knew she
wouldn't convince Dad she was happy if even Julia and Mrs Williams were
worried.

“And her reading class?” Julia asked.

“Are you meeting with Mr Morse next?”

“No, we couldn't make the times work.”

Mrs Williams glanced at Lily's folder. “So far as I know, he's saying
much the same. I believe he wishes Lily would speak more, but he knows
it's tough to feel confident around the older students. They get double
the attitude when they hit the double digits.”

“That's what I'm worried about. Is it socially the right place for her?”

“We could ask her. Lily? Are you happy in Mr Morse's class? What's your
favorite part about it?”

“I like the book. It's scary and funny.”

“Mhm. And what's your least favorite part?”

“When everyone disagrees.”

Mrs Williams chuckled. “That's our Lily, hm? Always the peace-maker.”

Dad was the last to stand when the conference ended. Lily had already
risen to explore the classroom unattended while Julia and Mrs Williams
took several minutes just to end their conversation. Dad braced himself
on the wall while they moved toward the door.

In the hallway, Mrs Williams rubbed Lily's shoulders. “It's funny, isn't
it?” she said to the adults. “You see a different side of them around
their family. Lily's always so happy in class and eager to share. I've
never seen her so reserved.”

“That's good to hear,” Julia said. “After everything that's happened
this summer, I'm glad she's adjusting so well. We just want her to be
happy. Aren't you proud of her, David?”

Dad's head jolted at his name. “Um, yeah. Very proud.” He smiled at
Lily, but the gesture was fleeting.

They were waiting at the car for Julia to find her keys when Dad spoke
again. “Are you happy, Lily?”

Lily nodded. She tried to hold back a wave of tears.

Dad didn't meet her eyes. “I don't understand... No, it makes complete
sense. This is what happened without me. Of course you'd be happier
erasing me. Starting over.”

No! Lily thought. How could Dad take the perfect parts of her life and
make them about him?  He hadn't done anything. He wasn't responsible for
any of it. Couldn't he see she was her happiest at school, with her new
friends, without him? The thought severed Lily's stream of tears. She
felt guilty for where her thoughts had gone, but she also felt a strange
confidence. She didn't know what she would do. But she could feel
something changing.

They didn't speak again on the ride home. When they returned, Lily
rushed up the stairs as quick as she could and shut her door until Julia
announced it was time to get ready for the party. Downstairs, she was
sure she heard the sound of Dad's door closing too.

* * *

Paper decorations hung from every wall to announce Betsaida's birthday,
and an assortment of folded rainbow-hued animals guarded the snack
table. The rich smells of peppers and meat filled the house.

A man Lily hadn't met before greeted them. “You must be the famous Lily.
My nena tells me all about you.”

“You're Betsaida's...?” Julia asked.

“Papa,” he said. He was tall. His hand dwarf Dad's as they shook hands.
“Call me Luis. Do you want a beer?”

He escorted the adults into into the kitchen and its cloud of cigar
smoke.  Lily breathed a sigh of relief. Her father had hardly spoken
since the end of the conference, but his quiet acceptance wasn't enough.
Lily came to see the party as a test: she needed to be herself - to be
seven - and she needed Dad to acknowledge it. The party was perfect
because Betsaida would be there. Lily remembered the excitement of her
first day at Broadmoor. She needed that Betsaida's help.

“Lily!” Betsaida came running down the stairs with her mother descending
behind her. Grinning madly, the friends hugged and spun.

“I like your dress,” Lily said. The unfamiliar multi-color dress was
clearly something Betsaida had chosen special for the occasion.

Isabel nudged her daughter.

“I like your dress to,” Betsaida said. “Do you want to do the treasure
hunt?”

“Ah ah, mi vida. Let's wait for all your friends.”

Begrudgingly, Betsaida introduced Lily to a handful of new friends and
cousins on a quick tour of the party. Lily was surprised to see the
kitchen and backyard crowded with teenagers and adult relatives. Lily
was used to parties were a few classmates shared pizza and cake, but
Betsaida's aunts seemed to be cooking a feast for half the neighborhood.

It wasn't long after Talia arrived that Isabel finally announced the
first game. The scavenger hunt took them on separate paths through the
house. In closets, under pillows, and beneath the furniture, they found
little plastic toys and more clues. The younger children needed a little
help from their parents in reading and interpreting clues, and Betsaida
had disappeared partway through the game. So Talia and Lily seemed to be
ahead, gleefully zigzaging through the hallways and out the back door on
different missions. They were chasing each other down the stairs for the
final prize when they saw Betsaida already opening the wrapping paper.

“She cheated!” Talia yelled. “She didn't look for any of the clues!”

Isabel read her daughter's angrily guilty look like a book. “Betsaida
Ferrer! I'm disappointed in you. Say you're sorry immediately.”

Tears rolled down Betsaida's cheeks. Lily's eyes burned in sympathy
despite being one of the ones cheated.

“I'm sorry,” Betsaida managed.

“There will be more games,” Isabel said to calm the others as she took
back Betsaida's prize. “Let's all have a bite to eat before the next
one, alright?”

But Betsaida's father blocked the entrance to the kitchen. He was
twisting the cap off a bottle. “Who made my nena cry?”

“It's been handled,” Isabel said then added a comment in Spanish.

After running, the kids needed little encouragement to eat. Platters of
sandwiches, friend plantains, and empanadas, and more covered the dining
room table. Betsaida's parents sniped at each other, and then the aunts
joined in. Lily found it impossible to tell who was on whose side. She
had never seen adults act this way, and she wondered if this was what
Betsaida's life had always been like.

“What's your mom saying?” Lily whispered.

“She's telling my dad to slow down.”

Luis knocked a paper plate off the table before leaving through the
screen door. The plate landed with a thoroughly unimpressive slosh,
dribbling a little salsa on the tile not far from where Lily her
accident on her last visit.

Isabel shouted after him. “The baby's yours, Juan Luis! There was never
anyone else!”

Through the window, Lily watched Luis cross the patio to join another
group of men. Julia and Dad were there, sitting on lawn chairs, and both
looked as shocked as Lily felt.

Betsaida dropped her paper plate into a trash can. “Are you done? Do you
want to play soccer?”

“Yeah!” Lily dumped the rest of her food and ran after her twin.

They joined the game already begun by the older cousins and neighbors in
the back half of the yard. Betsaida was an aggressive player, but Lily
mostly floated near a goal on the outskirts of the action to be safe.
Neither Julia nor Dad told her she shouldn't play. She had only managed
to kick the ball herself once when she felt her tummy tighten. Not
wanting to break and run for the bathroom in front of everyone, she
relaxed. She didn't excuse herself until after the next goal, several
minutes later.

“I need a drink,” she said. No one seemed to hear.

Crossing the patio for the kitchen, Lily walked straight for the drinks.
She was glad when Julia followed her inside.

Lily drained her cup before saying anything. “Um, Aunt Julia?”

“I know, sweetie. Is there a bathroom upstairs?”

Lily nodded.

Without Amelia or another toy, Lily didn't have anything to distract her
during the change. Julia reminded her to try to make the toilet, but
mostly she asked questions about the games. From the bathroom, Lily
could hear people gathering below. Julia was still cleaning her bottom
when Betsaida's voice clearly asked where Lily was.

“She's upstairs with her aunt, I think,” Isabel answered.

“I'll go get her.”

“We can wait, mi vida.”

Lily's cheeks burned when Julia finally led her down the stairs by the
hand. Almost everyone was waiting for them.

Betsaida cheered. “It's time for my presents!”

There were the usual dolls from friends and clothes from grandparents.
Betsaida seemed genuinely thankful for the Princess Andromeda comic
books that Lily picked out, but everyone's gifts were overshadowed when
Betsaida opened the new handheld game console from her father.

“This isn't for taking the school,” Isabel began. “It comes with a lot
of responsibility.”

“It's her birthday, let her enjoy it,” Luis laughed.

Betsaida smothered her father in kisses. After that, she had to be
convinced to open her other presents, and when she was done, she only
wanted to play a game.

Isabel frowned. “How about we cut the cake now and sing? We can save the
games for after your friends go home.”

“Just one game. Please!”

Luis laughed. “Let her play one and give everyone a quick break.”

As soon as the adults left the room, Semele tried to climb onto the
chair next to Betsaida. “I want to watch the game too,” she said.

“Get off. It's not a watching game.”

Lily turned her head. The outcome seemed inevitable once Betsaida
maneuvered her feet behind Semele and started pushing against the
smaller girl's back. In a flash, Semele was on the floor, banged her
chin, and started crying. Betsaida lost grip on her game at the same
time. The device fell over the arm and bounced off a coffee table.

It was all too obvious what had happened when Isabel entered the room.
“Betsaida. To your room. Now.”

“It was an accident!”

Lily considered lying to help her friend, but the evidence was too
strong, the witnesses many. Betsaida stomped on every step of the
stairs.

Isabel crossed her arms at the bottom of the stairs. “You need to think
about what kind of sister you want to be. Are you going to treat the
baby like this?”

Above, a door slammed.

“Everyone outside,” Isabel said, motioning the littler kids through the
kitchen.

“Do we do cake without her?” someone asked. “Julieta says rain's
coming.”

But Lily managed to sneak back into the living room and up the stairs.
She opened Betsaida's door slowly. Her twin was stuffing a backpack with
clothes. Lily knew immediately what she was seeing.

“You're running away?”

“I have to. I just mess everything up.”

Lily tore a blanket from the bed and stuffed it into a second backpack.
“We'll need this. Do you have a flashlight?”

“You're not coming.”

Lily didn't look at her friend as she searched for more useful items.
Betsaida needed her, and she needed Betsaida. If one ran away, the other
had to follow. They owed it to each other.

“We can live in the woods,” Lily said. “No one would find us there. It's
the perfect plan.”

“Lily, you're not coming.”

Lily sighed. “I am or I'm telling.”

Betsaida scrunched her nose. “Fine.”

They sneaked down the stairs to find the living room empty. Betsaida ran
straight for the door.

“Where are you two going?” one of the aunts said.

Betsaida froze with her hand on the knob.

“I forgot something in my car,” Lily said immediately.

“Why do you need those backpacks?”

“We're playing space explorers. We're pretending the cars are in space.”

The aunt waved her hand.

The girls ran out and into early amber twilight. As a thunderstorm rose
over the houses to the west, the girls raced down the sidewalk and into
downtown Wenahachee. On the third block, a gust of wind nearly blew them
into a wall. Ahead, they watched patio furniture outside a coffee shop
blow across the cement and crash into a metal fence. Instinctively both
girls huddled beside a tree.

A man from the coffee shop started stacking the chairs. “You two should
get inside,” he said. “Going to get much worse before long.”

“Thank you,” Lily said. “We're almost home.”

“Why did you talk to him?” Betsaida hissed once they had moved on.

“It would be suspicious not to.”

They paused at the next corner. The trees and the mountains of the park
still seemed a long way away. The storm, however, was nearly overhead.

“Do we keep going?” Lily asked. “It's going to rain. It could flood
even.”

“I'm not scared,” Betsaida insisted.

“I'm not either.” But Lily felt warmth spread across her diaper, then a
hot trickle dribbled down her leg. “Oh,” she squeaked.

“You leaked,” Betsaida said.

Lily cheeks burned.

“You didn't bring any diapers, did you?”

Lily's shoulders slumped. “I didn't think about that.”

Betsaida sighed. “Lily, you need to go back. You're too little.”

“I am not.”

“There won't be anyone to take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself. I know lots of things you don't know.”

“Like what?”

Lily said the first thing to come to mind. “Like that I'm really twelve.
I've just been pretending to be seven so I could have more fun.”

“Lily...” Betsaida shook her head. The obvious lie didn't deserve a real
rebuttal.

Lily growled. “Fine! Then you can take care of me if you're so big. You
can be my big sister. You're eight now.”

Betsaida's faced glowed red hot even as the first sprinkles fell. “I'm
not anybody's big sister! I don't know how. Don't you see? I only make
trouble for everybody. I can't fix anything. Not my parents. Not you. If
you don't want me to punch you, you'd better get going.”

Betsaida made a fist, but Lily didn't move.

“I really mean it,” Betsaida said, but the power in her voice was gone.

They didn't move until the storm hit. They were drenched within seconds
as they backtracked to hide under the awning of a salon.

“Well,” Lily shouted. “At least no one will see I leaked.”

“Where do we go?” Betsaida asked. “If we wait here they'll find us.”

Lily pointed across the street to a drugstore. “That's open. We can hide
in there.”

Betsaida shook her head. “No, they'll see we're not with any grown-ups
and kick us out.”

“We have to get out of the rain somehow.”

“Follow me!” Betsaida shouted. She dashed toward the street. A truck was
heading straight for her, but she didn't seem to notice.

Lily launched herself from the wall, grabbed her twin's backpack, and
pulled her down to the sidewalk as the truck sped past. The cement
scraped Lily's elbow, and she felt her knee twist as Betsaida landed on
it. Betsaida screamed. The truck didn't even stop.

“You saved my life,” Betsaida gasped.

Another car drove past while the girls were still lying in the rain.
When it came to a stop, Lily saw it was Julia's. It was followed by
another and another, all slowing and stopping as figures pointed to the
girls.

Dad reached them first. Lily limped to her feet and hugged him.

Dad sounded like he was crying, but it was hard to tell in the rain.
“It's okay, princess. We found you. Everything's going to be all right.”

“Daddy, I messed up everything. It's all my fault, and I don't know what
to do.”

“Shhh. It's not your fault, princess. I'm going to fix everything.
Whatever you need. Whatever will make you happy.”

“I'm wet.”

“I know. We'll get you into some dry clothes in a minute.”

Lily didn't know if he understood. She wanted him to pick her up, to
hold her, to change her diaper. “Daddy, I need you,” she whimpered.

“I know, princess. I'm here. I love you.”

* * *

They were halfway home when Lily realized she hadn't said goodbye to
Betsaida, but Dad and Julia said she could call in the morning. Everyone
needed a hot show and dry clothes, Julia said. Betsaida's own parents
probably had a lot to say to her anyway. Lily was afraid that she
wouldn't get to see her friend again ever, but she didn't want to tempt
Julia with the idea.

The rain eased into sprinkles again. They were only a few steps from the
door when Bob opened it and half-closed it behind him.

“David, there's something you need to know,” he began.

“Can we come in first?” Julia asked.

Lily assumed the adult conversation didn't concern her. Squishing with
every step, she limped past their legs and into the house. She felt
Bob's hand brush her wet shirt, but she pushed past.

“Lily, wait!” Bob said, but she was already through the door and
standing in the living room.

On the couch sat a pale stranger with long black hair and bangs that
fell in patches as if she had given herself a trim without a mirror. The
short woman was dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a sweater that
gathered at her thin wrists in great blooms of fabric. She turned toward
the door, raised her thick eyebrows, and smiled. She had a face that
Lily knew by heart.

The woman opened her arms. “Lily. My lovely Lily.”

“Mommy?”

  Chapter 28

The other voices in the kitchen were hushed, but Julia didn't seem to
care who heard her. “She can't stay here.”

“Julia...”

“It's not negotiable.”

“Where else is she going to go?”

“Where did she go last night? Where has she been all these years? Let
that cult deal with her.”

In the living room, Lily buried her face in her mother's sweater. Once
changed into dry pajamas, she had curled on her mother's lap and didn’t
plan on moving ever again.

Mom held her and swayed. “My sweet Lily,” she kept whispering. “My
lovely, lovely Lily. How I missed you.”

The argument in the kitchen made it difficult to enjoy the reunion. To
shut it out, Lily tried to picture everything Mom had described about
her other life, but the details were already foggy. “Did you really live
on a farm?” Lily asked.

“I did. We had apples and grapes and beans. So many things.”

“Chickens?”

“Yes, chickens too. Except for the rooster, country-life was very
peaceful.”

Lily imagined visiting the farm with her mother, feeding the chickens
and plucking apples from the trees. But even in her imagination, Lily
knew that she would miss her father. “Did you really see an alien?” she
asked.

“No, not me. I believe Sadal really did see something. Maybe it wasn't
aliens, but it changed his life. And it changed mine too.”

“Angela...” Dad interrupted as he and the others returned.

“It's late,” Mom said. “I should get going. Let's save the remainder for
the morning when everyone's rested and at their best.” Mom glanced at
Julia for the last comment.

“Do you have somewhere to stay?” Dad asked.

“A hotel. My things are already there.”

Mom tried to lift Lily off her lap, but Lily clung to her arms. “Shhh,
my love,” Mom whispered. ”It’s time for bed.”

Lily squeaked, “I don't want you to go! You can sleep in my bed.”

Mom held out her pinky. “I'll be back in the morning. I promise.”

Though Lily was reluctant to believe the promise, Julia’s scoffing
noises filled her with anger. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, and
it seemed to Lily that if she couldn’t trust her own mother then no one
else would. Slowly, she released her grip. She hoped the morning would
prove them wrong.

Mom slipped her arms through her coat. “I'm sorry about your mother,
David, Julia. I heard it was unexpected, and I know how hard that can
be.”

“What would you know?” Julia snapped.

Mom frowned. “I'm only trying to be kind.”

The door barely closed before fresh tears burst from Lily's eyes. Dad
knelt and pulled her into a hug.

“How could you let her go again?” Lily sobbed.

Dad didn't answer.

* * *

Dad's phone vibrated while Lily stirred her cold cereal. “Is it Mom?”
she asked.

“Just the pharmacy,” Dad said. “I'll let you know if it’s her.”

The familiar Saturday morning feast had been replaced by toast and
cereal. Gavin had claimed the TV before Lily even came downstairs.
Selene had eaten and left with Bob. That left Dad, Julia and Lily to eat
in silence.

Another minute passed, then Julia shook her head and spoke without
looking up from her own phone. “I can't believe you even want to speak
to her, David.”

“She's my wife. She's Lily's mother.”

“She abandoned you for some wackos in the woods. She stole thousands of
dollars from you. I don't even want that woman in my house.”

Dad sighed. “I'm not saying I forgive her. I'm saying I need to hear her
out.”

“You don't need to do anything. Not for her.”

“For my own peace of mind,” Dad added.

Lily's spoon clinked against her bowel.

“Don't play with your food, Lily,” Dad said. “Just eat.”

Lily stopped stirring her cereal. Between running away and Mom's return,
Dad hadn't said another word about how she'd lied her way into second
grade. Whatever makes you happy, he’d said in the rain. It was so vague
that could mean anything, and Lily didn’t even know where to begin
fixing her mess. Lily stole a glance at her father, but the face behind
the coffee mug was inscrutable.

“Besides,” Dad said, “it was her money too.”

Julia's tone rose. “I can't believe you're defending her!”

“If you want Lily and me to move back into Mom's...”

Lily sat up straight. “Can we?”

Julia glared. “I didn't say that.”

Dad remained calm. “Then you have to let me handle Angela.”

“I just...” Julia touched her temples. “It's bringing out the big sister
in me. Promise me you won't let her walk all over you?”

“Jules, if anyone doesn't trust her, it's me.”

Lily slumped lower into her chair and left her cereal behind. So Mom had
done some bad things. She was still her mother, still worthy of
forgiveness. Didn't adults always demand kids make-up after a fight?
Lily burned at the unfairness of it all, but one flame burned brighter
than the rest. If they weren't moving in with Mom...

“Dad? Are you and Mom going to get a divorce?”

Dad didn't answer immediately, but with Lily and Julia both staring at
him, he had no choice. “It's too early to say, pumpkin.”

“That means yes.”

Dad sighed. “It means it's too early to say.”

“You're thinking about it though.”

Once again, Dad didn't answer, but Lily had learned the one thing she
would ask for. The one thing that would keep her happy than a thousand
years in second grade.

* * *

After breakfast, Lily returned to her room and tried to see it through
her mother's eyes. The scattered dolls and blocks, the disheveled
coloring books, the diaper-changing accessories on the dresser - none of
it reflected the twelve-year-old daughter that Mom expected. Mom had
been happy to let her snuggle the night before, but that couldn’t
continue forever. Eventually Mom would have questions, and Lily needed
to prepare.

Lily began cleaning and sorting. She found a box to hide her blocks,
which were babyish for even a seven-year-old, and she slid them under
her bed. She organized her dolls and books, and for the first time since
summer ended, her diaper supplies were tucked back into her underwear
drawer. Lily noticed her Star Maiden panties - and even her princess
pull-ups - were gone. She would have to address that problem soon, but
it was her Koala Town collection that gave her the longest pause. Mom
had bought Lily her original set. They were childish, but didn’t Addi
like them too? Lily decided to set them up in scenes around the room.

She was still arranging the figures on her nightstand when Julia entered
the room. “Oh my, someone's having a productive morning! Look at you.”

Lily beamed and walked Julia through the changes she had made. “I even
found a box for the blocks,” she said. When Julia complimented her, Lily
knew Mom would be impressed for sure.

Julia took a seat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to
her. “This is all for your mother, isn’t it? I'm worried that you've
built this up in your head. You shouldn’t expect too much all at once.”

Lily stood her ground. “She came back, and she's never going to leave
again. I know it.” Lily understood how foolish the words sounded to her
aunt, but deep in her bones, she knew it to be true.

“You can't know that, Lily.”

“You don't know her. She's my mommy.”

Julia sighed. “If you say so.”

Julia took Lily's hand and pulled her into a light hug. Lily felt her
aunt's hand pat her diapered bottom.

Lily jerked back. “You could have asked.”

“Let's keep that attitude under control, missy. Life goes on, and
there's no reason to make things harder.”

Before Lily could think them through, more words tumbled from her mouth.
“I want to try panties again.”

If Julia was surprised, she didn't let it show. “We can talk about it
later.”

“It's never later. I want to talk about it now.”

“Well, what do you have to say?”

Lily fumbled. “I... I just want to try them again.”

“And I'm just saying now isn't the time. We'll consider it another day,
alright?”

As Julia moved toward the door, Lily took a stubborn seat on the carpet
with her arms crossed. She felt her bladder strain. She squeezed, but
warmth was already spreading between her and the carpet. She was
thankful that Julia couldn't see at least.

* * *

When Mom returned, Lily ran down the stairs. She didn't leave her
mother's side while the adults talked and drifted from living room to
the dining room and back again. Julia had set out drinks and snacks, and
the conversation continued while plates were filled and emptied and
filled again.

The adults had more questions for Mom, and Mom smiled through it all
when she wasn't expressing regret for leaving. Even when Bob asked about
all the farm labor, Mom laughed. “No, it wasn’t so bad. I actually
managed to gain weight. And on a vegan diet. Only me, right?”

Nobody else laughed.

“I tried to leave more than a few times,” Mom volunteered. “But the FBI
stopped me. They were convinced Sadal was running some kind of financial
scam. I never understood how or why, and I never did find evidence for
them. I might have left a lot sooner if it wasn't for them.”

“The news hasn’t mentioned anything like that,” Julia said. “Are you
sure it was the FBI?”

Mom shrugged. “Whoever it was, they were looking into the wrong man.
Sadal wasn’t like these preachers you hear about with thousand dollar
suits, gold rings, and mansions. Sadal cared about his followers. Peace,
love, understanding - he was really living that dream day to day. For a
while there, it was a magical time. Like a real family.”

Lily wasn’t surprised to see Dad frown at that. She felt hurt herself.

When Mom turned the conversation toward Dad's health, Dad seemed
reluctant to speak. “You owe me this much, David,” Mom said. “It wasn’t
so hard to find you, but I came home to strangers in our house. I cried
on the porch for an hour, I was so afraid I’d lost you and Lily forever.
What happened? Why come back to Wenahachee?”

So Dad explained the past few years. The pain. The specialists. The
diagnosis. The move and how they lost everything. “Everything but each
other,” Dad said. “Julia and Bob took Lily in without question. If it
wasn’t for them...”

Lily watched the return of the sad, lonely face Dad had worn through his
recovery. But his eyes were present. There was a fire in his eyes. “You
should have been there,” he said at last. “You should have been there
for Lily.”

Tears trickled down Mom’s face. “I know. Believe me, I know. I have bad
karma to pay for, but I’m here now.”

They broke for another round of snacks. Mom asked about Julia’s return
to work, which seemed to please Julia a little. Despite the law -talk,
Lily followed her mother into dining room. In the light of day, Mom was
shorter than Lily remembered and frail. Her hands were thin and
wrinkled.

Lily was picking M&Ms out of a bowl of trail mix when Mom changed the
subject. “How’s school, Lily? You’re at a private school, I hear? With
Selene? Do you have any new friends?”

Lily saw the opening to act twelve, to be the girl her mother expected,
but in that moment she couldn’t even remember how twelve felt. “Um, I
went to my best friend’s birthday party last night,” Lily offered.

“Was it a lot of fun? What did you give her?”

“I got her a comic book,” Lily said, remembering how she chose a
Princess Andromeda story featuring the twins. “She likes that kind of
thing,” she added.

“How’s school going? Do you like your teachers?”

Julia spoke first. “She’s in an advanced reading class.”

“Mr Morse’s class is hard,” Lily said before Julia could brag for her.
“But I think he likes me. Mrs Williams is nice though.”

Bob cleared his throat. “I was thinking that after I pick up Selene, we
could all go out to a late lunch. If that's alright with you, Angela?
David?”

“That's fine,” they said in unison.

“I'll head over to the school now then,” Bob said. “Selene hasn't texted
yet, but it shouldn't be too long.”

Mom smiled. “That will give me some time to spend with Lily. Do you want
to show me your room, love?”

Lily glowed, excited that her work that morning might actually pay off.

“Why don’t we keep everyone in the living room?” Julia said.

“Nonsense. You’ve probably heard enough of my rambling for now. Besides,
I’m entitled to a little time with my daughter, right David?”

“Yes, of course.”

Julia was still frowning while Lily led her mother up the stairs. Lily
wondered how much time she had before Julia came to check on the state
of her diaper.

“Look at all these Koala Town people!” Mom gasped. ”Someone’s been
spoiling you.”

The words had Lily stumbling. “Oh. Um, you bought them for me,
remember?”

“Not that tree-house. I remember how much you begged for that at our
last Christmas. Not a single store had one in stock though.”

While Mom admired the koalas, Lily searched her room for something more
mature to show off. “Here’s the book we’re reading at school. It’s about
werewolves and, um, love.”

But Lily couldn’t find a memory of being twelve to latch onto. She
barely felt seven. She was just a little girl who wanted her mommy’s
love and attention.

Mom only glanced at the book before setting it aside. “Would you play
with me?” she asked. “For your mommy? For old time’s sake?”

Lily nodded eagerly.

Mom gave Lily the Koala family and picked the cats for herself. The
families packed picnic baskets and went walking through the woods until
they found a sunny clearing. Mom didn’t seem the least embarrassed to
play. She was fun and imaginative, inventing names for silly foods and
games the dolls could play. Lily felt her bladder twinge. She considered
running to the bathroom, but she decided if there was ever a reason to
keep playing, this was it.

The picnic was nearing its eighth dessert course when Mom paused to
brush Lily’s hair. “My baby. You haven’t changed at all. No of course
you haven’t. You needed me, and I wasn’t there.”

As if the clock really had been turned back, Mom’s words stirred the
same waves of sadness that her disappearance had caused. Lily could hear
it in her mother’s voice too. She climbed onto Mom’s lap as the tears
trickled down both their cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” Mom repeated.

Lily could hardly resist when her thumb pushed toward her mouth. Mom
didn’t seem to mind. She had her little girl back, and maybe, Lily
thought, that was enough of a reason to forgive anything.

“We can start over,” Mom whispered. “Whatever you need, I’ll be there
for you. I promise.”

Julia’s voice flew up the stairs. “Lily? Betsaida’s on the phone.”

Lily shot up. Suddenly embarrassed for how she’d behaved, she turned to
her mother, but she couldn’t find the right words to say. She ran down
the stairs.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Betsaidsa mumbled through the phone.

“Me too,” Lily said.

“No, listen, Lily. I’m sorry I got mad. And I’m sorry I ran away and
took you with me and we got lost and...”

Lily could hear Isabel coaching her daughter on the other end, but she
knew Betsaida meant every word. “You’re still my best friend,” Lily
said. “Always.”

“Twins?”

“Twins.”

Soon after Lily hung up, Bob returned with Selene. “Is everyone ready?”
he asked.

“I need to change Lily first,” Julia said. “But we’ll have to take two
cars anyway. Why don’t you grab Gavin and go.”

“I can take care of Lily,” Mom said.

Julia seemed as stunned as Lily. “Are you sure?” Julia asked.

Mom laughed. “Of course. She’s my daughter.”

When they reached her bedroom, Lily stood by the door.

“Where are your supplies?” she asked.

Lily pointed to the dresser. Mom opened the drawer and began gathering
everything she’d need. She laid the towel out on the floor, sat, and
waited patiently for Lily to lay down in front of her.

“Julia usually does it on the bed,” Lily said.

Mom tugged Lily’s leggings down to her ankles. “Does Julia normally
change you? Not Daddy? You never do it yourself?”

Lily shook her head. The questions didn’t sound as accepting as Mom had
seemed before the phone call, but Mom removed Lily’s wet diaper and
gently cleaned her bottom. It was like Mom had always cared for her,
like she’d never forgotten how, like this was the way it was supposed to
be. But Lily knew better, and so did Mom.

“How long have you been back in diapers?” Mom asked.

Lily shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“We tried so hard to get you ready for kindergarten. I hoped it would
stick. But every accident made me wonder.”

“You’re not mad?”

“Of course I’m not mad! Especially not mad at you. This isn’t your
fault. Your daddy was never... well, we don’t need to talk about it
right now.” Mom leaned down and kissed Lily’s exposed belly. “Anything
you need, my lovely little girl.”

Lily giggled and squirmed. The kiss was more than she could ever ask
for. It wasn’t until Mom was helping her into her raincoat that Lily saw
the sadness in her mother’s eyes.

* * *

After lunch, Bob and Julia went outside to work on the yard, taking
Gavin with them. Dad had settled down for an accidental nap.

Lily was reading a book to her mother.

After a chapter ended, Mom asked. “Where does Julia keep her laptop?”

“In her office,” Lily said.

“I’m going to check my email. Would you get me a glass of ginger ale?”

Happy to have such a mature errand, Lily moved a chair to the counter
and took extra care not to spill the heavy two-liter. When she found Mom
in the office, she saw her mother quickly close a tab.

“Thank you, my love.”

Lily smiled and followed Mom out of the office. “What do you want to do
next?”

“Let’s see if your father’s up.”

Dad had migrated to the couch. Mom and Lily joined him. Lily stared down
at her dangling feet, glad to be a family again but afraid of what her
parents might have to say to one another.

Mom laid her hand on Dad’s leg. “At some point, we’ll need to find
somewhere private to talk.”

“Away from Julia, you mean,” Dad said. Mom gave him a sour look, and Dad
put his hands up. “No, you’re absolutely right to think that. I
understand. But I’m a little out of sorts today.”

“Your medication?”

“Yeah, I’m switching some, dropping others. I haven’t been in a good
place, Angela.”

Mom stroked Dad’s leg. “I want to hear all about it. Someday.”

The conversation stopped when Julia passed through the living room for
her office. The screen door opened again, and Lily could hear Bob and
Gavin getting drinks in the kitchen.

Julia returned, practically stomping as she scowled. “Was somebody using
my computer? Gavin, were you looking for games again?”

“It wasn’t me,” Gavin called from the kitchen.

“He was with us,” Bob said as he came into the living room.

“Well someone was, and whoever it was made my bank account password
reset. Lily? I hope it wasn’t you.”

Mom shook her head, laughing. “Lily was with me. Can we calm down? It’s
only a computer.”

Julia stormed up toward Mom. “It was you, wasn’t it? By God, if you’re
up to something, I swear I’ll kick you out of this house so fast...”

Mom didn’t flinch. She turned to Dad. “Is this kind of lashing out
typical?”

“Don’t turn this back on me.”

“Really, David. Are you sure this is the best environment for our
daughter? This woman is raising my baby?”

“That’s it! Out. Now.”

“Julia...”

“She’s not going to question me in front of my kids. Out.”

Lily spoke so quietly at first that no one heard her. She raised her
voice. “It was me.”

Everyone turned to her. Julia stuttered but seemed too surprised to form
words.

“It was me,” she repeated. “I just wanted to...”

Dad interrupted before she could expand the lie. “Up to your room. Now.”

Mom caught Lily’s arm on the way to the stairs. “That was very brave of
you,” she whispered. “I’ll fix everything. Just give me a couple of
days.”

* * *

Grounded in her room, Lily found plenty of time to think. Mom was up to
something. She had a plan. Clearly she wasn’t going to move in. Clearly
she didn’t intend for Lily to stay there. But Lily wasn’t sure Dad would
take Mom’s side, and she wondered how Mom meant to convince him. Lily
understood Dad best. Perhaps that part was up to her?

She was so lost in thought, she didn’t notice when Dad joined her on the
bed.

“Do you want to talk?” he asked.

“Why don’t you like her anymore?”

Dad hesitated. “Why do you think I don’t like her?”

Lily noticed the deflection and knit her brow. “You don’t act like you
like her.”

“It’s difficult right now, Lily. I don’t know how much I can believe
her. My instincts say she’s hiding something.”

She’s hiding a plan to save us, Lily thought. But Dad wasn’t ready to
accept that. Why didn’t he feel like she did? Why did she feel loved and
accepted around Mom, but Dad made her feel judged, lonely? “Why don’t
you want me to be happy?” she whimpered.

“Lily, that’s not fair.”

“Do you love her?”

Dad sighed. “She’s not the woman I married. I never would have believed
she could abandon her daughter like that, abandon me.”

“She came back. Can’t you forgive her?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Not even for me?”

“It’s complicated, Lily. Let’s talk more tomorrow after you get some
sleep.” He leaned over to kiss her forehead. “I love you, Lily. Very,
very much. I will always be here for you.”

Lily rolled over and hugged her elephant. Somehow the promises of her
parents, taken together, didn’t make her feel reassured at all.

  Chapter 29

“Lily, I think you dropped your pacifier.”

Afraid to learn which of her classmates might say such a thing, Lily
nearly buried her face in her lunch.

“Look who’s talking,” Betsaida said. “Didn’t you wear a Kid Ninja shirt
yesterday, Brandon?”

“So?”

Betsaida turning away from the boy. “Anyway, what were you saying,
Lily?”

Lily looked up in time to see Brandon hesitate then wander back to his
table with less confidence. She had seen Brandon and his third grade
friends pick on others, and she was afraid to become their new target.
Lily thought she’d passed that stage with Sophie, but somehow knowing
what could happen - how far kids could go, how quickly she could become
the outsider - the fear was just as bad as the first time around.

“Hello, Lily?” Betsaida stared at her, smiling like nothing had
interrupted them.

“Um, I was saying my mom came back. After your party, we came home and
there she was. I didn’t even know she was coming.”

“Cool! Did she take any new photos?”

“Yeah, a bunch I bet.” Lily hadn’t thought to ask Mom about her
photography. Had she taken her camera? Lily couldn’t remember the
assignment Mom was working when she disappeared. “She even said I could
go on her next trip.”

Betsaida frowned. “When do you leave?”

“Oh, she doesn’t know yet. I hope we go somewhere cool like Japan.”

“Wouldn’t you be gone a long time? I mean, she was gone all summer.”

“Yeah, it could be months.” Lily saw how the lie hurt Betsaida’s
feelings, but she couldn’t help inventing a bigger story. She couldn’t
convey how impossible it once seemed that she’d ever see her mother
again.

Talia was picking fibers from an orange. “Lily, isn’t it your birthday
next? Have you decided what kind of cake you want?”

Lily hadn’t thought that far ahead yet, and the cake was the least of
her issues. “I don’t know. Maybe a purple cake?”

“Purple? That’s crazy!”

“It’s going to be a crazy party. All I’m asking for are butterflies.”

“What? Real butterflies?”

Lily nodded in her most serious manner, and her friends laughed.

While they collected their trash, Lily wondered what she would really
ask for. Anything you need, my lovely little girl. Whatever you need.
Whatever will make you happy. The voices of her parents seemed to come
from either side at once, one echoing the other. It was strange they
couldn’t get along, if only for her sake. Maybe that was a plan. She
could be their reminder of all they shared. But it hadn’t worked the day
before. Lily couldn’t find the patience to convince Dad of anything.

Lily wasn’t sure she could bring her parents together and deal with her
eigth-and-thirteenth birthday all at once. Thirteen? Was she really
turning thirteen? She was surrounded by too much confusion for it to be
true.

“Lily? Are you crying?”

Lily realized she’d been holding her friend’s hand onto the playground.

“It’s just the wind in my eye. What do you want to play?”

After recess, they marched back to class. Mrs Williams was passing back
their math test from the day before. Once Mrs Williams started passing
out graded assignments, Lily could never concentrate on her work. Every
A thrilled her. She’d never had such a winning streak in school before.
So she was shocked then when turning over the test revealed a B-.

Mrs Williams must have noticed her expression. “You need to slow down
next time. Don’t rush to the answer just because a problem looks easy.”

Lily folded the test and hid it inside a textbook. She was thankful that
stations were next since she and Betsaida could sit together. They were
painting when Betsaida brought up the situation from lunch.

“You can’t let kids push you around,” Betsaida was saying. “Even big
kids.”

“I know,” Lily said. “It doesn’t bother me so much.”

Mrs Williams paused behind them. “Lily, you’re getting paint on the
table. What was I just saying? Try to slow down and be careful.”

Reminded of her B-, Lily impulsively let her paintbrush slide off the
page once Mrs Williams’ back was turned. It felt good to be contrary,
especially when she knew there wouldn’t be a punishment so long as she
helped clean up. Then she pressed her hand into the paint as she leaned
forward to dip her brush.

“Lily, why are you sad?”

Lily furrowed her brow. “I’m not sad.”

“You always act like a little kid when you’re sad about something.”

Lily shook her head to deny it, but eventually she relented. “I think my
parents are getting a divorce.”

“That sucks,” Betsaida said. “It isn’t always so bad though. Do they
fight?”

Lily shrugged. They were cold around the other, but the only fight was
over Mom’s disappearance and that had been solved finally. Just thinking
about her parents made her want to suck her thumb. Was Betsaida right?

“I might go live with my mom,” Lily lied. “I hope she lets me stay in
Broadmoor.” Lily brushed her hair back with her painted hand. Then,
realizing what she had done, she reached out to her twin with
paint-smeared fingers. Betsaida giggled and ducked. For a moment, her
friend’s laughter made everything better.

* * *

Julia announced her plan with such enthusiasm that Lily was
automatically skeptical. “Why do I have to go to Talia’s?” she asked.

Julia’s brow knit. “What kind of question is that? I thought you’d be
happy.”

“I am,” Lily insisted, though even she could hear how annoyed she
sounded.

“Okay then. Let’s run upstairs and change so we can go.”

Lily was more confused when Dad joined them outside. “Hold on,” Dad
said. He stood, hunched over, with his hand on the roof of the car for
support.

Julia came around to the passenger side. “Is it your hip?”

“No, just joint pain.” Dad wave off her help then laughed. “Like an old
man in the rain.”

Lily didn’t find it funny. Dad looked like Snow White waking in her
glass coffin while he regained his breath.

They took their seats, and Julia started the car. “I just don't think
you should stop cold turkey,” she said.

“Jules, those meds had nothing to do with pain.”

“I know, I know, but isn't it going to shock your system?”

“The doctor said I could.”

“Which meds?” Lily asked, but neither seemed to hear her.

“Dr Barnes said you could,” Julia continued. “But didn't Dr Eichmann
prescribe them? I can’t imagine it’s healthy to start messing with any
of it. That’s what doctors do, David. They spin you around and around so
you don’t notice everything is still the same.”

“Jules, you saw how I was behaving. The directions say to stop
immediately. Dr Barnes agreed. He's my GP. This is what he's there for.”

Julia grumbled as her phone rang. “Hold on. Lily’s friend’s mom is
calling. Hello?” Julia shared a few polite comments then hung up. “Well
shit, they just canceled. We’ll have to bring Lily with us.”

“Where are we going” Lily asked. She leaned forward as far as the
seatbelt would let her.

“I knew I should have called Selene’s friend,” Julia continued. “I’ll
have to get her number.”

“You mean Addie?” Lily asked. “Why would you call Addie?”

Julia didn’t answer. Lily fell backward into her seat, arms crossed.
Just before her blood boiled, Dad turned around.

“We’re going to see a lawyer,” he said.

Lily’s anger fled like air from a balloon. “Why?” she asked, already
feeling the catch in her throat.

“Apparently your mother filed for divorce and didn’t bother to mention
it this weekend.”

“Bob isn’t your lawyer?”

“No. This is a little too personal.”

Lily found that explanation weird. Why would Dad go to a stranger if it
was so personal? But that was the wrong question. “What’s going to
happen?” she asked. “You’re going to say no, right? You can make her not
do it. If she didn’t mention it, maybe she didn’t mean to do it.”

“We’ll see, Lily. She wasn’t answering her phone today.”

Julia tapped the steering wheel while they waited at a red light. “I can
wait with Lily, of course. But you had better be tough in there. If I
find out you aren’t mentioning the bad things...”

“There’s only the one bad thing,” Dad said. “I don’t know how I couldn’t
bring up how she disappeared for two years. Even her lawyer has to know
that.”

“I can go in,” Lily insisted. “I’ll be quiet.”

Dad turned around again with a sad smile. “No, it’ll be boring,
pumpkin.”

“So’s the lobby. I just want to listen.”

Julia interjected, “It’s just grown-up stuff. Listing everything your
Dad owns. We could go take a walk downtown if the lobby is too boring.
How’s that sound? Maybe find a snack.”

Lily crossed her arms again. Julia was going to dismiss any reason she
could invent except for the big one - the honest one. It might be time
if Dad didn’t trust her anymore. But Lily knew better than to drop that
bomb in the car, not when they’d been ignoring her. She would look
desperate for attention. Besides, Dad hadn’t trusted her all summer -
even before the lie followed her to Bob and Julia’s.

Lily tried to imagine all the ways she could end the lie, but none of
them let her have everything. She didn’t want to leave her friends.
There would be a hundred Brandons waiting for her in middle school, and
they would be bigger, crueler and less forgiving. She didn’t want to be
Lily the Panty-Pisser again.

One thing was certain, she was steadily losing faith in Mom’s plan,
whatever it was. Dad seemed calm there in the car, but Lily knew he was
upset. He hated paperwork, hated sharing his personal life with
strangers, so filing for divorce was only likely to frustrate him. Lily
couldn’t believe that was the effect Mom intended, and if it was, Lily
couldn’t find how it benefited anyone.

* * *

Mom was at the house when they returned. In her mother’s arms, Lily’s
anger and confusion mattered so little once. She felt like a little girl
again, better than she had playing with paint. All her questions floated
away as Mom spun her.

“You have some nerve,” Julia said before marching into the kitchen.

Ignoring her sister-in-law, Mom turned to Dad and touched his arm. “You
don’t look so well, David. Is everything all right?”

“He gets tired in the afternoon,” Lily said. “Do you want a snack,
Daddy?” She hoped the reminder of how well they once worked as a team
might draw his attention to how happy and fulfilled she felt around Mom.

“I’ll be fine,” Dad said without glancing down. “I just need to lie in
bed a moment.” Dad brushed past Mom and shuffled off toward his room.

“Well then.” Mom put her hands on her hips. “Who’s left to play with
me?”

“Me!” Lily cheered.

“How could I get so lucky!”

In her bedroom, Lily was introducing Amelia the elephant when Mom helped
her down onto her back. Mom had patted her bottom heading up the stairs,
but the implication hadn’t really occurred to Lily until her diaper was
untaped. Thirteen couldn’t have felt further away.

Mom smiled brightly and tickled Lily’s sides before lifting her legs
into the air. “Did my precious little girl have a good day at school?”

Lily’s smile rose involuntarily. She nodded and hugged Amelia.

“I see you were a messy painter. Do you still like to draw? You’ll have
to draw me something for my hotel room. It’s so plain.”

Even after the change, Mom didn’t give Lily a moment to reflect on the
divorce or their time apart. Mom flooded her with praise and attention
while they played together - blocks, Koala Town, Barbies. Lily was
willing to forget the outside world, but Mom peppered her with
questions. “Do you like living with Bob and Julia? How often does she
punish you?”

Thought hesitant, Lily answered every question with the truth. Mom asked
about Gavin, Selene, how she coped when Dad was in the hospital. Lily
refused to say anything bad about anyone though. There was already
enough hostility between Mom and Julia.

Mom seemed to suspect Lily was hiding something though because she
looked very serious when she drew the final question from her quiver.
“Are you happy here?”

The question reminded Lily of what Betsaida had said: that she acted
little when sad. Was Mom worried like Betsaida?


Then Lily realized Mom might really be thinking about them moving in
together, just the two of them. All the questions seemed to point that
way.

“Mom? Why did you ask for a divorce? Don’t you love Dad?”

“I didn’t mean to. I thought he had kidnapped you when I found the house
sold. I didn’t know where you were, and, well, I kind of panicked. It
was part of how I tracked you down.”

“So you don’t want a divorce?”

“We’ll see.”

“That’s what Dad says. You always say the same things. I want to know!”
Lily threw one her ponies across the room.

Mom grabbed her by the ankle. “Lily Eliza, do you need a time-out?”

The threat only made Lily angrier. She kicked and thrashed and threw
every toy she could get her hands on, but Mom had experience restraining
her without hurting her joints. Before Lily knew it, she was in her
mother’s lap, crying her eyes out.

“My poor baby. Mommy’s here.”

Lily felt scared and embarrassed for how she’d just behaved. Mom stroked
her hair, but Lily struggled to control her sobbing. Without much
thought, she slipped her thumb into her mouth.

“There, there. You’re safe, my precious little girl.”

Mom rocked her gently. Lily’s tears continued to trickle down her
cheeks, but she already felt better.

* * *

To Lily’s surprise, Julia didn’t argue about Mom staying for dinner. The
reason became perfectly clear by the time everyone had helped themselves
to full plates.

“By the way, David, Mrs Williams called,” Julia said casually. “She said
Lily was telling everyone her mother returned. I guess Lily said were
moving away together to Japan.“

Lily dropped her fork on the floor. Everyone turned to Mom.

“What’s this?” Dad asked.

“I don’t know wh-” Mom began.

Dad raised a hand. “Julia, help me understand. Why did Mrs Williams call
you?”

“Oh, it was just a precaution. Back in August, I told Mrs Williams to
call me if Lily ever spoke about her mother making contact.”

“You what?” Dad and Mom wore the same shocked, angry faces.

“It seemed reasonable at the time. I mean, Angela, honestly, we had no
idea what had happened to you. Any stranger could have...”

“Julia, you had no right to-”

“You were in Wells, David. You weren’t there to think of these things. I
was there all summer, for registration, getting her ready. I mean, it
wasn’t a burden. I’m happy to take care of-”

“But it never occurred to you to tell me?” Dad said with a dark tone.

“David, don’t be paranoid. It just slipped my mind until today.”

Lily sank lower into her seat but stole glances across the table. She
couldn’t tell if Bob and Selene wished they were invisible or if they
had something to say but couldn’t find the moment.

“It’s not true of course,” Mom blurted before Dad and Julia could tear
into each other. “I never told Lily we were moving anywhere. Certainly
nothing about Japan.”

Dad stared at the wall while he took a bite of food. “That’s a good
point. Lily, did you lie to your teacher?”

“Well, not to my teacher...” Knowing Mrs Williams had already tattled,
Lily had to admit to admit something, but she couldn’t resist bending
the truth to protect Mom. “I was just telling my friends it would be fun
to go on a trip with her.”

But Mrs Williams’ word counted more than hers, and after dinner, Lily
was sent to her room without desert for lying to her teacher. It was
completely unfair, and Lily had come close to broaching the bigger lie,
the one Dad had implicitly gone along with. But Lily wasn’t going to
score points with anyone by insisting she was a big girl.

Lily sat in her doorway, waiting for Dad or Mom or Julia or anyone to
come scold her. Downstairs, the TV blared, the kitchen radio jabbered,
but no one came near the stairs except Gavin on his way to play alone.
When Lily thought she heard Dad and Mom’s voices arguing, she sneaked
down the steps and listened at Dad’s door.

“I filed it before I found you,” Mom was explaining.

“But full custody?”

“You’ve got to admit, it might be for the best.”

“How can you even say that?” Dad sounded like he too might throw toys
across the room too.

“Your health. Your second hospital stay this summer. The diapers... Do I
have to spell it out, David? She’s almost a teenager and she has the
mind of a toddler.”

Lily couldn’t hear Dad’s reply. She was afraid she’d lose the rest of
the conversation when she heard Mom speak clearly again.

“Suddenly you have nothing to say? This is our daughter, David. If you
fight this in court...  Hell, has she even been to a psychiatrist? Just
tell me what happened.”

Lily didn’t want to hear more. A part of her still hoped that the lie
had been real magic, that she would be allowed to continue her second
life forever. Mom ended that delusion. Lily was broken. Even Betsaida
knew it. Whatever makes you happy, everyone said. But it wasn’t what
they meant. They understood the truth that Lily kept forgetting: she was
a failure at being big. Letting her be little was a mercy. And for Mom
and Dad, she was a symbol of their own failures.

Lily returned to her room to lie in a ball, holding onto Amelia. That’s
how Mom found her when she came to give her a goodnight kiss. Lily
didn’t bother letting go of her thumb in her mother’s presence. That was
how she fit into the plan, after all. She was broken. A mess. A baby.
And she was Mom’s plan to win everything.

* * *

Dad woke Lily the next morning and carried her down the stairs. Lily
hadn’t seen him so happy in ages, especially not first thing in the
morning. He didn’t look particularly rested, but she knew his smile was
real.

When he set her down in the dining room, he titled his head at her. “I
forget: did you want pickles for breakfast or fish sticks?”

“No, Daddy. Cereal!” Lily laughed. He hadn’t been this silly since the
day Mom disappeared.

Lily saw the reason sitting at the breakfast table: Mom had spent the
night. She even let Lily sit on her lap for a minute before complaining
how big Lily was getting. Even Dad smiled at that.

When it came time for Lily to change and dress for the day, Mom tickled
Lily from her toes to her chin. Without rising from the towel, Lily
merrily played with some ponies while Mom picked out an outfit. New
warmth spread in her diaper, but that was normal. How weird that she had
asked for panties just a few days before. Clammy wet panties were the
worst. And having to call home for a change? She never once missed that
old life.

On the drive to school, Lily remembered the revelations of the night
before, but she couldn’t remember why it had troubled her. Her parents
loved her. They wanted her to be happy. They were there to take care of
her. As worried as Mom had sounded, she hadn’t been anything but sweet
with Lily, even after Lily threw a tantrum. No, Lily wasn’t broken.
Everyone accepted her for who she was, and they were all willing to give
her what she needed. Even Julia was willing, and she disagreed with
everyone over everything. Maybe someday with everyone’s help she might
even feel twelve again.

They started the day reviewing spelling words for the test. Lily knew
she’d rebounded from her math grade. She hadn’t missed a single word yet
that year - not even the extra-credit. She didn’t feel little at all,
not like Betsaida had accused her the day before. All morning she felt
like a capable seven-year-old again, especially when she partnered up
with Talia for the science experiment. They were folding origami cups,
and the instructions confused the shorter girl. But Lily wouldn’t let
her friend give up until she had a perfectly folded cup.

Talia bounced on her toes while they waited at the sink to test their
cups. The girl in front of them spun around and, pretending to trip, she
spilled water on Lily and Talia. “Oops, looks like somebody had an
accident.”

The water mostly landed on their shirts, but Lily knew what the girl was
referring to. She caught Betsaida’s cold eyes and remembered how cool
her friend had seemed at lunch the day before. “Looks like somebody
needs help tying her shoes,” Lily said.

Betsaida nodded her approval.

Talia forgot about her damp shirt when she discovered her cup worked.
The two were halfway to their seats when Lily realized she hadn’t cried
at the prank. Sitting down, she did feel her diaper squish. Lily raised
her hand, and Mrs Williams let her visit the nurse.

Lily told Nurse Chilton all about her mother’s return, how her mother
had been there that morning. She was careful not to exaggerate or invent
any lies that might be reported to Julia. The change was over so quickly
that Lily barely noticed when her leggings had been pulled back up.

“I noticed I was wet all by myself,” Lily said.

“That’s wonderful, dear. Hop off please. I’ll see you after lunch.”

Lily giggled. It was funny to think how everyone knew she was going to
pee her pants. Funnier to imagine Nurse Chilton sitting there, waiting
for it to happen. But it was the truth. It was part of her life now, and
everyone had accepted it. If being seven kept her parents together, Lily
could do it for them. Everything was much easier the second time around.

After Lily returned, Mrs Williams led the class to the library. Everyone
to sat for story time. Because Lily had a separate reading class, she
didn’t get to listen to stories with her friends anymore. Lily took a
seat on the carpet near the librarian. Surrounded by friends, sitting in
a dry diaper, knowing both her parents were near, Lily felt the happiest
than she’d been in years.

The story was about pirates trying to stop their ship from sinking with
ridiculous tricks, each one causing more problems. “Can anyone name
another example of cause and effect?” the librarian asked when the story
was done.

It wasn’t until Lily raised her hand that she realized she’d been
sucking her thumb the whole story. She burst into tears just as the
librarian called on her.

  Chapter 30

Dad met Lily at the door. “How was school?” he asked.

“Good.” Lily took the easy lie and hoped Dad wouldn’t ask more. After a
first-grader named Amanda reportedly ate a grasshopper, Lily’s class
mostly forgot Lily the Thumbsucker. But Lily had missed a spelling word,
and that felt much worse than any nickname.

“What did y-”

Lily interrupted, “Is Mom coming over today?”

Dad didn’t meet her eye. “I don’t know, pumpkin. She was here this
morning then left for coffee. She hasn’t been back.”

“Not fair. You got to see her, and I didn’t.”

Dad turned to Gavin. “You hear that? Complainitus. There’s only one way
to treat it.”

Gavin looked confused. “How?”

“A dose of tickling. Right on the elbows.”

Dad took a step toward her. “Don’t you dare!” she squealed.

“Come here, patient. We’ll make you all better.”

Lily jumped onto the couch, and despite herself, heard a laugh escape
her throat.

Dad was about to lunge again when someone knocked solidly three times on
the front door. Lily and Gavin crowded behind Dad as he opened the door.
Two men in dark suits stood on the porch. The shorter one opened his
wallet to reveal an ID that said FBI in large letters.

“Good afternoon. We’re looking for Angela Darling.”

“She’s not here at the moment. I’m her husband.” Dad partially closed
the door behind him. “May I ask what this is about?”

“She’s needed for information regarding an open case. You can confirm
that she has been in Wenahachee then? Is she living at this address?”

Lily watched through the crack until the Dad shut the door behind him.
Gavin, finding himself cut off from the conversation outside, went
upstairs to his room. Lily waited at the window, but she couldn’t see
more than the unmarked car the men had arrived in. She could hear even
less.

The second Dad came back inside, she hounded him for answers. “So she
really did work with the FBI?”

“I’m not sure, pumpkin. Looks that way though, huh?”

No matter how many times Lily asked, Dad wouldn’t say more than Lily had
overhead. Another piece of the puzzle appeared when Julia came home. She
was waving around a copy of The Atlantic. Inside, there was a multi-page
story featuring Mom’s photos from the farm.

“It’s all true,” Lily said. “The farm, the FBI. What if there really
were aliens?”

Julia scowled. “What about the FBI?”

“They came by looking for her,” Dad said.

Though Lily hoped Dad would say more with Julia present, he stopped
there. No one else seemed to care that it confirmed Mom’s story.

Lily was getting ready for bed when she finally heard Mom’s voice
downstairs. “Mommy!” she shouted. With toothpaste stuck to her chin, she
skipped every other stair, but she found only Bob and Dad in the living
room.

“They were all dreamers,” Mom’s voice said. Lily turned to see her
mother on the TV being interviewed in a cable newsroom. “Some had bigger
dreams than others - about peace and war, religion, society. Some just
wanted friendship, respect, a community.”

“Where are they?” Lily asked. “You said she was just getting coffee.”

“I guess she lied,” Dad said, but he didn’t look surprised.

It was like the divorce all over again. The shock of it made Lily angry
more than anything. She burned with the thought that she couldn’t trust
her mother, that Mom hadn’t mentioned any of this to her - the magazine,
the news. She felt betrayed; after all, Lily had lied about the bank.
But Mom acted like she didn’t owe Lily anything in return, leaving Lily
caught in a plan without any idea of its direction, like a bubble
spinning in the whirlpool at the end of a bath

Julia called from upstairs. “Bedtime, Lily.”

Lily didn’t bother arguing. That moment, there wasn’t much Mom could say
that she cared to listen to.

* * *

“How was school?”

“Okay.” Lily couldn’t quite smile, but she tried not to drag her feet or
let her rough day show. Now that Dad wasn’t ignoring her, she worried
about disappointing him, and the day had been one disappointment after
another.

She’d felt slow, lost all morning. Then she pooped in her diaper during
recess. She hadn’t planned on it, but she’d made the terrible decision
to wait to ask once they were back in class. She’d cried, of course. The
tears came easier and easier in the days after Mom disappeared again,
and she was sure the other kids noticed. Walking to the nurse’s, Lily
hoped Julia had forgotten to sent spare diapers, that the nurse might
send her home.

She must have looked miserable when she ran into Miss Anne in the
hallway because Miss Anne gave her an extra long hug. Lily lied and said
second grade was going great. Miss Anne didn’t believe her when she said
her mother returned.

“No really, she was in a magazine and on the news and everything. She
was in the alien cult the whole time! Didn’t you see her on TV?”

“I guess I missed it.”

Lily wished she’d brought a copy of the magazine, but she realized Miss
Anne wouldn’t know what Mom looked like. Just another woman with long
black hair and the same last name. A coincidence. Twins.

“Do you need help getting to the nurse?” Miss Anne asked.

Lily shook her head. She hadn’t said one word about where she was
headed, but Miss Anne had known anyway. She always knew. As she walked
to the nurse, Lily questioned how she ever believed herself to be a
great liar. No one ever believed her. No one trusted her to handle the
most basic things.

When Dad didn’t have follow-up questions, Lily moved toward the stairs
and tried to forget Miss Anne’s expression.

“Your mother missed a meeting with our lawyers today,” Dad said.

“Oh,” was all Lily could say.

“Wait,” Dad said. Lily paused on the bottom step and watched him open
her backpack, something he hadn’t done that in years. Dad found her
homework folder, and Lily’s heart sank when he pulled out her most
recent math test. “A C-minus, Lily?”

Lily struggled to find the words.

“You can do better. You know you can. Maybe Selene can help you study
next time, okay?”

Lily ran to her room and collapsed on her bed. She wished she had run
away with Betsaida. Maybe she wouldn’t have found her mother - not right
away - but that didn’t matter much either. She could have started a new
life with Betsaida. Orphans always had the best adventures in books. But
even in her imagination, Lily couldn’t picture Betsaida helping her with
poopy pants. Her twin would abandon her at the first preschool where she
belonged.

An hour later, Julia gave her the same speech about math and asking for
help, but Dad’s version hurt the worst because he was disappointed in
both Lilys. But Lily knew he too would realize there was only the one,
Lily the Thumbsucker. She wondered what other reason he had for playing
along. It had started when Mom stayed the night. He’d known before then,
of course, but he’d never tickled her or checked her homework or
anything like that. Mom had been gone for days though - what could she
have said to him?

“Are you there, Lily?” Julia asked as she taped a dry diaper.

“What if I don’t get better at math?” Lily asked. “What if I get worse
and worse?”

“Sweetheart, you’ll get better. I know you will. You’ll see. It just
takes practice. Maybe Uncle Bob can help you this evening before
Selene’s game.”

Once Julia left, Lily regretted not asking the real questions. Would she
wear diapers forever? What if she never stopped crying? Would her
friends leave her? Like Mom did?

Lily could see her new life was headed in the wrong direction,, but she
was lost with how to change it. She couldn’t start telling the truth -
not if she would keep crying or sucking her thumb. And no twelve
year-old was happy wearing diapers no matter what the internet told
Julia. But Lily didn’t know how to start acting twelve all of a sudden.
That life was terrifying, lonely.

Lily picked up Amelia and dropped the elephant into her trashcan. She
could give up her toys at least. She had books to read, drawings to
draw, coloring books to color...

But it was too much.

Before Lily could take three steps, she rescued her doll. Cradling the
soft elephant, she sucked her thumb until she could think again.

Pull-ups. Lily didn’t like the answer, but things had been better when
she wore pull-ups. She wouldn’t have to give up her toys or her friends
just yet. She resolved to ask Julia immediately. If Julia said no, Lily
could ask Dad. That would be embarrassing, but how could he say no?
Carrying Amelia still, Lily walked downstairs and into the kitchen where
Julia was making dinner.

“You don’t have any homework tonight, do you? Did I already ask that?”

Lily shook her head. “I wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it, sweetie?”

“Well, I was thinking. It’s my birthday soon, and...” As Lily was
fumbling with her request, she noticed her diaper growing warm and full.
She hadn’t felt it coming. She must have looked devastated, because
Julia set down her knife and gave Lily a light hug.

“Missing your momma, huh?”

“No. I mean, yes, but I was thinking...” Lily couldn’t bring herself to
ask for the pull-ups while wearing a wet diaper. Julia hadn’t been
enthusiastic the last time she’d asked, and even if Julia did agree,
Lily didn’t want to be caught wet. Not right after a change. She felt
useless, hopeless, until she remembered how Julia had let her help in
the kitchen the last time she’d felt that way, wearing the sling. Maybe
cooking was the answer. Lily could learn to cook for real. Measuring,
mixing, using oven mitts. That would be a step - an easy step. “I was
just thinking I could learn to cook?”

“Oh, you want to help? Sure.”

“Really?”

Julia motioned with half a bell pepper in her hand. “Hop up on this
stool here and look over the counter.”

Lily looked over the bowls of chopped food.

“I’m getting everything ready for stir fry. See, it’s best when
everything is the same size. Bite-sized. That way it cooks evenly, and
you can eat it with chopsticks.”

Lily nodded, taking mental notes.

“So tell me,” Julia asked as she poured oil into the wok. “Did I chop
the bok choy?”

“Um, is that the lettuce one?”

“Yep.”

“You did.”

“Did I chop the chicken?”

Lily wrinkled her nose at the bowl of pink guts. “Ew. Yes.”

Julia laughed. “Well done. Thank you, Lily.”

“I can’t help fry them?”

“Oh no, dear. The wok is heavy and hot. Maybe another dinner we can do
together.”

Lily’s head hung as she trudged back upstairs. She decided to visit
Gavin’s room, where she sat with a squish near his box of Legos. She
rested her chin on Amelia.

“I’m making a rocket-ship,” Gavin explained. “You can make one too, if
you want.”

Lily looked into the bin. The thousands of tiny pieces were all mixed
together. Nothing resembled the shape a spaceship. Lily shook her head.
She just sat there, watching Gavin, until she found a mouse-shaped
squeaky toy beside the bin. She picked it up and squeaked it.

The sound of dog feet came thundering up the stairs. Humphrey barked as
he ran past the door, circled, and ran back downstairs. Lily squeaked
the toy again, and Humphrey repeated his mad crusade up and down the
stairs.

“What is he doing?” Gavin asked. “Doesn’t he know you have it?”

“It’s like he thinks there’s an invisible mouse.”

Lily hid the toy behind her back and squeaked it some more. Humphrey
came running again, spinning and barking every time the toy made a
sound. Gavin and Lily laughed, which only seemed to make the dog more
agitated.

“Please stop tormenting that poor old dog,” Julia called up the stairs.
“Hasn’t he had a rough enough life?”

Lily tossed the mouse to Humphrey. He growled at it then left the toy
behind as he ran back downstairs. To Gavin and Lily, this was the
funniest part.

When they were done laughing, Gavin made laser sounds as he flew his
completed cube-like ship. Lily watched then asked, “Can you make one for
me?”

“Sure!”

Lily played with some of the minifigs characters while Gavin worked on a
second ship. While swapping all of the accessories, Lily was also
pretending one of the figures didn’t want to go into space. She was lost
in her imagination and hardly paying attention as Gavin mumbled about
his spaceship plan until he echoed Julia.

“I know someday you’ll be able to make one yourself,” he said. “You’ll
see. It just takes practice.”

The disappointment of wetting and cooking collapsed Lily’s heart again.
How had she abandoned her quest to be twelve so quickly?

Lily couldn’t find her thumb fast enough, but Selene knocked on Gavin’s
door that same second. “Hey, Lily! There’s a surprise for you
downstairs.”

Lily tilted her head. She heard a familiar voice downstairs. “Addi!” she
shouted.

Lily left her elephant and the Legos behind as she bolted down the
stairs. She threw her arms around the teenager.

“Oof! Well hello to you too. I hope you don’t mind me babysitting you?”

When Lily pulled back and saw the nervous way Addi was smiling, she felt
embarrassed by her enthusiasm. So she almost missed the question until
she noticed Dad and Julia putting on their coats.

“Their dinner’s on the stove,” Julia was saying. “We should be back
before bed.”

“Where are you going?” Lily interrupted.

“I have a doctor’s appointment,” Dad said. “We won’t be gone more than
an hour. Hour and a half, tops.”

Lily was certain Dad was lying: no doctor was open that late unless it
was an emergency. Bob reached over Lily’s head to get his own coat, and
Lily saw he and Selene were about to leave too.

“Everyone’s leaving?” Lily could feel the tremor in her throat before
she recognized the feeling. Was she afraid?

“I have volleyball,” Selene said. “Have fun with Addi, okay?” She waved
as she stepped outside into the dark.

“Daddy, don’t leave me,” Lily whined.

“Hey, hey, princess,” Dad knelt and pulled her into a tight hug “It’s
going to be okay,” he whispered. “I’ll come back. I promise.”

Lily nodded into her father’s shoulder, but even then he didn’t let go
until she’d stopped trembling..

Julia was the last one out the door. “Oh crap. I didn’t think to change
Lily.”

“No problem, Mrs Bauer. I can do it.”

“Would you, Addi? Thank you. I feel like I’m forgetting everything
today.” Julia waved then closed the door behind her.

Addi smiled down at Lily, nervously again. “Do you need a change now?”

Lily hadn’t been asked that question in months, and as dumb as it made
her feel, she didn’t have an answer.

“Do you want me to check?” Addi asked.

Lily found herself nodding.

Walking up the stairs, Lily wondered how many people had changed her
diapers, but she stopped herself when she got to Betsaida’s mother. Lily
decided there that if Addi was her babysitter, she was only going to
think about fun things.

“Are your diapers in the dresser?”

Lily shrugged. “I don’t know. Did you meet my elephant? Her name is
Amelia and she was captured by poachers.” Lily was making her doll wave
when she noticed Addi was more preoccupied finding the changing
supplies. Remembering that Addi liked Koala Town, Lily decided to find
all her dolls. Addi had to call her name twice to get her to lie down on
the mat for her change.

Addi wasn’t very quick at it. She took much more time wiping Lily than
Julia or Nurse Chilton ever did, and Lily giggled as a result. She kept
pulling her legs back at the shock of the cold wipe until Addi finally
grabbed her by the ankles. Lily let her thumb slide into her mouth and
grinned around it.

“You know, Lily, you’re pretty smart. I’ve seen your drawings and heard
you read.”

“Goo goo.”

“Wearing diapers doesn’t make you a baby. I mean, someday you’re going
to have to learn to change yourself. Would you want me to teach you?”

Lily grinned. “Goo goo.”

“You need to use big girl words if...”

Addi was interrupted by a loud crash from the kitchen. The teen jumped
to her feet and ran out the door. Half-naked and unsure what to do, Lily
lay on her back until she heard Gavin cry. Leaving her leggings around
her ankles, she shuffled toward the stairs and descended one-step at a
time. She followed the sound into the kitchen, where she found Gavin
surrounded by cake-pans and a dusting of flour.

“What on earth were you doing?” Addi asked.

“I wanted to bake cookies for desert,” Gavin said.

“Do you have a time-out chair? Oh never mind, come with me.” Addi turned
and saw Lily. “Oh, Lily! Upstairs! Come on.”

“Lily’s naked!” Gavin snickered.

In the end, Gavin had to stand in the corner of Lily’s room while Addi
taped her dry diaper. As an extra punishment, Gavin wasn’t allowed to
talk through dinner. While they ate, Addi cleaned the kitchen. She
didn’t let Lily help, so Lily had no one to talk to - which felt like
she was being punished too.

When dinner was over, Addi asked them both to sit on the couch with her.
Lily was afraid they were in for a scolding, and Gavin must have been
too because he didn’t complain despite his sour expression. But Addi
pulled a book out of her purse.

“Koala town!” Lily exclaimed.

“I wondered if you might be able to read it for me.”

“Easy,” Lily said.

Addi grinned. “Prove it.”

Lily read, never missing a word. She hadn’t seen the show in years, and
she was surprised at some of the details she’d forgotten. Like how Robby
Raccoon liked flying kites or how the Crocodile kids were always found
fishing when they weren’t causing trouble. Gavin wasn’t as invested in
the story, and he couldn’t sit still. Addi warned him a few times, but
when Gavin started talking to the drawings on the page, Lily giggled.
She started reading the characters in sillier and sillier voices, trying
to make Gavin laugh.

“Don’t encourage him,” Addi warned.

By the time Lily finished the book, she and Gavin wee both bouncing with
energy. “Do you want us to put on a play?” Lily asked.

“Sure, I guess.”

“Once upon a time, there was a fairy princess, and her best friend
the...” Lily turned to Gavin.

“The poop monster.”

Lily laughed. “Who lived in the...”

“Toilet!”

Addi looked annoyed, but also like she was trying not to laugh. “I can
see where this is going.”

“Poop!” Gavin shouted.

“Yeah, okay. How about we play charades. Since Lily read, Gavin can go
first.” Lily pouted, but Addi patted the spot next to her. “Sit with me
and help me guess.”

Gavin’s first word was predictable. Lily acted out a horse, which Addi
got right right away. Addi always had good guesses, and Lily never
suspected for a moment that she was letting her charges win. When it was
Addi’s turn, she always picked the funniest words too. Lily couldn’t
help but admire the teen, and whenever it was Gavin’s turn, she snuggled
up next to Addi. Lily wished she could be more like her, but Addi made
her feel naturally little. Maybe that was the problem. She had to let go
of Addi, Betsaida, everything the seven-year-old loved. Maybe she had to
start over to become twelve. Lily imagined running off with Dad on her
birthday and making a new life. If Addi could be a teen in diapers and
still be so cool, Lily could too.

“Addi, have you ever made a big mistake?”

“What are we talking about? Lying, stealing, reading past your bedtime?”
Addi tickled Lily as she said the last one.

“Lying,” Lily admitted when she was done giggling.

“Honesty is the best policy,” Addi said with a second tickle. “Why? What
did you lie about?”

Lily couldn’t think of an answer before someone knocked on the door.

“Hello? Is anyone home?” a voice called.

“Mommy!” Lily jumped from the couch and ran to the door before Addi
could stop her.

They hugged in the doorway. “Who’s this?” Mom asked.

“This is Addi. She’s our babysitter.” Lily didn’t feel weird saying the
word until it had left her mouth. Did Mom think Lily needed a
babysitter?

“Um, hi,” Addi said. Around Mom, she didn’t seem as cool or as
confident. “Lily’s Dad didn’t say you were coming. Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s dandy. But it looks like Lily leaked a little,” Mom said
as she pushed Lily toward the stairs. “I’ll take care of her.”

They were only halfway up the stairs when Addi told Gavin to stop
jumping on the furniture.

In Lily’s room, Mom tucked the changing towel into Lily’s backpack then
dumped Lily’s supplies into the bag next. Mom motioned with her head for
Lily to come closer. “Let’s sneak out of here.”

“Where are we going?”

“I’ll tell you when we get there.” Mom filled another bag with clothes.
“Do you want your elephant? Books?”

“How long are we going to be gone?”

“I really can’t say.”

Mom moved toward the bedroom door, but Lily hesitated. This was her
chance to start over. But Mom had packed diapers. Would Lily be seven or
twelve? Was Mom going to include Dad in the picture? The questions
swirled while Lily remained still.

“What’s wrong, Lily-flower? Don’t you want to go on an adventure?”

“What about Dad?”

Mom held out her hand. “We’ll meet up with him later. I want to get you
out of this house first.”

Lily looked at all her toys, her books. Mom had packed her diapers, but
Lily knew what her mother meant. “Away from Julia.”

Mom nodded. “Does that sound good?”

“Addi will call her. She didn’t warn Addi about you, but Addi will call
anyway.”

“We’ll just have to drive fast.”

Lily shook her head then ran across the hall for Gavin’s room. She
grabbed the mouse toy and squeaked it several times. Humphrey
immediately began tearing through the house and barking.

“What th-” Addi said downstairs.

Lily leaned over the stairwell. “Maybe he needs to go out?” she called.

“Good thinking!” Addi called back up. “Come on, Gavin. Let’s take that
dog out back. You can run around too.”

“Woof!”

Lily waited to hear the backdoor slide close again, then she ran
immediately to the bathroom and started the tub faucet. When she closed
the door and turned around, Mom was ready with a quick hug.

“Come on, little sneak,” Mom whispered. “Let’s make a break for it.”

  Chapter 31

The hotel room was freezing when Lily woke. She curled into a ball and
shivered for a moment then scooted toward the opposite side of the bed.
Her hands searched through the cool blankets until they found the air.
Lily she sat up straight. Her mother’s side was empty.

“Mom?” she called. Tears gathered, ready to ruin her first full day of
adventure. Lily slid out of the bed and walked to the window. A diaper
tape popped loose, and the soaked garment sagged down her thigh as she
pulled the curtains aside. She was cold, wet, itchy, hungry, and she
didn’t feel brave or big at all. She feared the worst: that her mother
had left her, that she was on her own and lost.

The door swung open. Mom entered quickly and threw a blue Pop Tarts
package onto the bed. “Good, you’re up. As soon as you’re dressed, we’ll
hit the road.”

Lily rubbed her eyes as if just waking. Tears weren’t the side of her
that Mom wanted to see. “Can we get pancakes?” she asked.

“Sorry, we need to hurry. I bought you breakfast.” Mom pointed to the
Pop Tarts.

The night before, Mom’s excitement had been contagious. Keeping Lily
awake long after her bedtime, Mom sang along with the radio, and Lily
joined on the songs she knew. Somewhere between the starlight hills and
black forests, they stopped in a small town for fries and milkshakes. It
had been wonderful, but the car was small and cramped. Lily’s legs still
ached. She wasn’t ready for more yet, and Pop Tarts wouldn’t change
that.

“I want pancakes,” she insisted.

“I said no. We’re supposed to be in Seattle by lunch.” Mom dropped
Lily’s bag on the bed. “Now, pick out some clothes so we can get
moving.”

“I don’t want to.” Lily spoke before she recognized her stubbornness
taking control. She stared down at the ground, unable to meet her
mother’s eyes. She feared she’d made a mistake coming with Mom, leaving
behind Amelia. Everything moved too fast. In that moment, Lily didn’t
even want to be Mom’s big girl.

Lily felt Mom’s hands under her armpits. She was in the air for a second
before being laid on the bed. Mom undid the last tape and set to work
cleaning Lily as she sang. “Lily - ma belle. Sont des mots qui vont très
bien ensemble. Très bien ensemble.” She poked Lily’s nose to the rhythm
of the last phrase.

Lily hadn’t expected that. Limp, she allowed Mom to help her into a
clean dress, socks. Mom even tied her shoes. Then, once Lily was
dressed, Mom sat her daughter on her lap and opened the Pop Tart
package.

“They really did a number on you, huh? That house wasn’t healthy. Well,
you’re with Mommy now. We’ll take it one step at a time. I’ll help you
grow big and brave.”

Lily leaned her head on her mother’s shoulder, dropping crumbs down
Mom’s shirt. “I love you, Mommy.”

“You want to be big and brave, right?”

Lily nodded but her hand inched toward her face.

Mom took Lily’s hand and held it still. “Good. I love you too.” She
kissed Lily’s forehead then sat her down on her feet. “Let’s move.”

Lily stood still while Mom gathered her purse, their bags. The cuddle
hadn’t even been long enough for her to finish her breakfast. She wanted
to ask for more, but she suspected she knew the answer.

Mom slapped Lily lightly on the butt. “Come on, slow poke.”

In the car, Mom wanted to listen to the news. Lily complained, but Mom
said she was hoping to hear more about her friends in the hospital and
that Lily should understand that. Lily did understand, but the news
never mentioned them, only a hundred other topics. Lily couldn’t follow
half of it. Growing bored, her thoughts turned inward. The calm of her
mother’s care wore off as the miles stretched on, and wide awake, Lily
regretted how like a toddler she’d behaved in the hotel room. She needed
to do better than that. She had to remember what they were doing, what
she’d left behind. An adventure with Mom was better than life at Bob and
Julia’s any day, better than school, better than Dad and his doctors and
naps. But only if Lily could stay big and brave. Still, Mom had come to
her rescue, Mom had changed her, held her...

No! Lily squeezed her thumbs inside her fists. She couldn’t fall down
that hole again. It was only because of the wet diaper. Because she’d
been afraid she’d lost Mom. Lily remembered how Addi said diapers didn’t
make her a baby. They made her feel like one though, and so, Lily
reasoned, they were keeping her from becoming the girl Mom wanted her to
be.

“I don’t want to wear diapers,” she said aloud.

“What’s that, love?” Mom turned down the radio.

“I don’t want to wear diapers anymore.”

Mom was silent for a long minute as she passed a semi. “I know you
don’t, love,” she said at last. “But you always wore protection in the
car. I think for today, while we’re traveling, diapers are best. Once we
settle down, we can talk about the future.”

Suspicion coiled around Lily’s heart. She was learning Mom’s lies, the
stories Mom told herself, the half-finished plans. “When will that be?”
Lily asked. “Tomorrow?”

“Well, tomorrow we’re on the road too. I have work lined up. Today it’s
a gallery showing, then we’re off to do jobs all along the coast. All
the way to San Francisco. Have you been there yet? Then there’s a
festival in the desert in Nevada. I think you’ll like that. You like
music, right?” Mom glanced in the mirror. “Once we get the money though,
we can go anywhere, Lily. I promise. Anywhere you want to go. Isn’t that
exciting?”

Lily wanted to feel excited, but she understood that Mom never intended
to settle down. Mom had booked every one of those jobs before asking if
Lily wanted to go. If Mom had even asked Dad, he’d said no, and yet Mom
still left.

Lily sighed. It wasn’t fair that she had to wear diapers the whole
adventure, that she would spend half the time feeling wet and miserable.
She wondered how Addi managed. The teenager seemed excited about a lot
of things, happy, a good student. Lily had been happy too once - at
Broadmoor, at school.

Lily closed her eyes and reached for her happiest memories of the
summer. She remembered dressing-up with Betsaida. Their Cinderella play.
She remembered Talia, playing in Miss Ashley’s class together, and the
way Molly’s pull-ups peaked out under her dress. Lily pictured how her
own diaper must have shown too while she played on the floor. She
remembered waiting for Miss Britt to change her, the feeling of a full
diaper as she played with the preschoolers, how she always hoped for one
more minute.

Lily frowned as her memory took her to scenes she didn’t expect. Were
her happiest hours playing with toddlers? Mom wouldn’t accept that; Lily
didn’t accept that. Her memory was just broken. But maybe, she wondered,
maybe she could be both. She could be little sometimes then big other
times. Just like she’d been that morning. Mom had accepted that, hadn’t
she? Maybe Lily was overreacting.

“Can we be anyone?” Lily asked without opening her eyes.

“What?”

“When we get there, can we be anyone?”

“Yes, my love, my baby. We can be anyone we want to be. Anyone at all.”

Lily’s heart settled as if landing on a soft pillow. She wished she
could sit on her mother’s lap to share her happiness. She closed her
eyes again, tried to capture the joy of Broadmoor, but the return path
was bumpy and she couldn’t hold onto the feeling. Life in the car was
unreal, fuzzy - a puff of dandelion seeds carried along my Mom’s breeze.
No matter where Lily turned, her present spun around a constant center,
an unanswered question.

Lily slumped to the side and stared out the window so Mom couldn’t see
her expression.

She hadn’t expected to miss Dad at all. He’d been absent, confusing.
They hadn’t felt like best friends since summer began, since Grammy came
between them. Dad hadn’t let her into his new life, and she didn’t want
to let him into hers. Yet she wondered how Dad reacted when he came home
and found her missing. Did he even come home? Lily was suddenly afraid
that he’d been telling the truth about the doctor. Maybe it was an
emergency and he didn’t want to worry her. When he was in Wells, the
grown-ups never told her anything. If Dad was treating her the same way,
he wouldn’t have said a word about an emergency. He would have hired a
babysitter, told her not to worry.

Lily needed to know.

* * *

The only light in the alley hung above a rusting sign: Lighthouse
Gallery - Deliveries Only. Lily focused on it to hold her head still
while Mom finished her make-up.

“Look at me,” Mom instructed. “Oh my goodness, baby, that color is
amazing on you. Here, use the mirror.”

Mom pulled down the sunshade. Lily saw a girl of nearly thirteen years
sitting in her place, but she could also see fear behind the eye shadow.
It wasn’t right that the little kid would follow her to Mom’s opening.
Lily remembered how Betsaida thought it was sadness, not diapers, that
made Lily act like a baby, but Lily didn’t feel sad. She had Mom. They
were in the city, running away. Mom had an important event. There was
nothing to be sad about.

“Are you ready?” Mom opened her door, and stepped out into the wet
night. “Try to be my big girl, okay? Stand up straight, smile when
people talk to you. Don’t eat too much food all at once. And if anyone
offers you a drink, say no thank you.”

Lily nodded, but it was all too much. She didn’t feel ready for the
opening. When they reached the back door of the gallery, Mom bent over
to adjust the shoulders of Lily’s black dress.

“Will there be kids there?” Lily asked.

“Maybe. Why?”

“No reason.”

It had been a long afternoon of hanging photographs, folding pamphlets.
Mom had little use for Lily and even less time for her. Occasionally,
Mom asked Lily’s opinion, but Mom was as likely to listen as do the
opposite. So Lily folded pamphlets until she could barely move her
fingers, until her diaper felt ready to burst. She had hoped for more
moments like that morning, but the diaper change had been brief. Now
that they were dressed, made-up, she knew it would be hours until she
had her mother’s attention to herself.

Lily took a deep breath, but it didn’t alleviate her fear. She reached
for Mom’s hand. Hoping.

Mom took her hand and squeezed it. “When Chuck gives us the cue, we’ll
go in together, but try not to stay right by me the whole time after
that.”

The door opened on the back room, which was dim, dusty, splattered in
paint. Framed photos and paintings leaned against every surface. Weird
sculptures made of wire and stone lurched across the room and cast
spidery shadows over them. Lily jumped when she thought she saw
something scuttle across the floor. She clung to Mom’s hand like a
life-preserver. She wanted Amelia. She wanted her Daddy.

Lily felt warmth spread in her diaper, and then she realized it wasn’t
sadness or diapers that made her a baby. It was fear. Fear of shadows,
fear of getting caught in her lie, fear of math, even fear of being a
baby. Being seven had been fun until Dad went to the hospital and she
began to fear she’d lose him like they’d lost Grammy. She was afraid of
the opening and the strangers, of the future, of her own mother. She
wasn’t ready for any of it. She couldn’t keep the mask on.

“Mommy?” Her voice sounded tiny. She prepared for Mom to lash out, to
criticize.

The gallery owner opened the inner door, nodded at Mom to hurry, then
turned back to the main room. “Ladies and gentlemen, our artist, our
survivor, Angela Darling.”

Mom tugged Lily forward without responding. Lily felt her elbow twist
and winced.

They stepped into the bright, immaculate gallery. Surrounded by adults,
Lily was self-conscious. Her dress fit so tightly that she wondered
whether the padding of her diaper could be seen now that she’d wet. If
people noticed, would they see through the make-up too? No, she couldn’t
think about that. She had to be big for Mom. She had to hold out through
the opening. If she could smile, maybe Mom would let her suck her thumb
later. Maybe if she was really good, Mom would let her buy a pacifier.

Unable to control her thoughts, Lily was certain her smile wavered as
she followed Mom into the bright gallery. She was blinded for a moment
while everyone smiled and clapped, and she was certain they could read
her broken thoughts. The women all wore lace or the straightest,
tightest dresses. They clutched tiny silver and gold purses under their
arms as they applauded. The men wore dark suits and the most serious
ties. They held fancy stemmed glasses, round tumblers. Look at this girl
daydreaming about pacifiers, they said.

Lily waved to them, delicately,  like a princess at a ball standing at
mother the queen’s side. Pretending made smiling easier.

When the applause was over, people approached Mom and asked her
questions about the cult, the photographs. Lily tried to listen, but the
gallery was too crowded, too noisy. She smiled whenever someone seemed
to compliment her dress. She curtsied like a princess. That made them
laugh, and the laughter helped Lily relax.

“This is your daughter?” a woman in a gray cape asked.

“Yes, this is Lily. She wants to grow up to be a painter.”

“How wonderful.”

“I like to paint horses most,” Lily said as she quickly invented a new
identity. Her mind had immediately turned to the Hungry Caterpillar, but
that would never work in this setting. “I think horses are very
beautiful and also symbolic.”

“Oh? Symbolic of what?” The woman smiled slyly.

Rule #1 Let others write the lie.

Lily’s mind tripped over itself when she remembered the old rule too
late. She should never have been so specific. “Um...”

The woman used a ringed hand to gesture to the walls. “Tell me, Lily,
which of your mother’s photos is your favorite?”

Relieved by the interruption, Lily pointed to a photo of a goat. “That
one.”

The woman squinted across the room. “And why is that?”

“I like the goat,” Lily said. Instantly she knew it was the wrong
answer. These people were so smart, so fancy. She’d given the woman the
response of a seven-year-old. The woman nodded to Mom and moved on.

Lily swallowed and tried to concentrate. These were artists,
art-collectors. She could learn something from them, more than she could
from second-graders. Lily wanted to belong with them, to make her mother
proud. But every time she moved, she was reminded of the padding that
separated her from them.

Lily followed her mother, trying not to stand too close like Mom asked
but afraid to wander away by herself. The next time Mom introduced her,
the large bearded man interrupted her. “Oh Angela, if you’d only given
us another day,” he said for the second time. “It’s a shame what the
Atlantic’s Photoshop hacks did to your work.”

Mom turned her head to the side, uninterested. “Honestly, Jim. You have
to talk to my agent about that kind of thing. I didn’t know how this
kind of thing got done five years ago, and I definitely don’t now.
Anyway, the story’s out. Now we figure out what’s next.”

“Yes, what’s next indeed,” Jim began. That’s when he seemed to notice
Lily. “Your daughter, you said? Maybe we’ll have to sit down to an
interview. There might be a story there, hm?”

Lily didn’t like the way the man looked at her, and she was glad when
Mom turned her away.

“Editors are like moths, Lily.”

“And you’re the brightest light?”

“Exactly.” Mom winked without meaning her smile, which left Lily
confused. As they passed the table of food, Lily stole an envious glance
at the people in line. Mom led them to the back door and held out her
purse.

“There’s cash in here. Would you take it to the car and hide the money
in the glove box? Could you do that? Make sure you don’t lock the keys
inside.”

Lily wanted to ask where the money came from, but she thought better of
it. Anything for a break from the crowd. She rushed through the back
room and its scary sculptures. She stepped into the dark alley, and the
door slammed shut behind her, causing the only light to flicker. Lily
panicked, spun, and checked that the door would open again. It was
heavy, but not locked.

Lily tiptoed to the car, slipped into the passenger seat and locked the
doors. The alley was filled with frightening shadows, but the silence
was better than the noise inside. As Lily dug through the purse to find
the cash, her fingers touched Mom’s phone. Lily woke the screen, and
seeing that no password was needed, she searched through Mom’s contacts
until she found the one she wanted.

Lily bit her thumb while the phone rang. “Pick up, Daddy. Please,” she
whispered. The phone went to voicemail, and Lily choked back a sob of
exasperation. How selfish she’d been, running away. She might have lost
him forever, or he could be in pain and she’d fled hundreds of miles
away. When the voicemail message beeped, her guilt spilled out of her.
“Daddy, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you. Please call me and tell
me you’re okay. Please don’t be mad. I won’t do it again. Please just be
okay.”

Lily hung up the phone and sat with tears running down her cheeks. The
phone vibrated in her hand.

Dad’s voice spoke up immediately. “Angela, if you-”

The gallery’s back door opened and Mom step into the alley.

“Dad! Lighthouse Gallery!” Lily said before ending the call.

Mom tried the driver’s side door, then knocked on the window.

Lily unlocked it, then stared down at the phone and swiped through Mom’s
apps. “You don’t have any games on your phone,” she said without looking
up.

“I only just bought it. I can’t figure anything out.” Mom took the phone
from Lily, and only then did she seem to notice Lily’s eyes. “Why were
you crying, honey? Is there anything your mommy can do?”

Lily sniffled. “I saw a rat.”

Mom pulled Lily’s head closer and gently brushed her hair. “It’ll be
alright,” she whispered. “Now, let me see your eyes again.”

When they returned to the gallery, Lily was finally able to get herself
some food for the first time since breakfast. Ignoring Mom’s
instructions to not eat too much at once, she piled her plate with three
of anything that looked good. Lily sat on a chair off the side. She
didn’t have any trouble ignoring the conversations around her, she
understood so little.

When Lily went back for seconds from the chocolate fountain, she watched
her mother laugh in the middle of a large group. Lily began to feel
guilty for not helping to sell anything, for not doing her part to
impress the buyers. Mom had tried to impress them by saying Lily wanted
to be a painter. Maybe if Lily showed them her talent it would help. She
took a handful of napkins, and then she sat at the front desk where
there were a handful of pens. She began drawing - anything that came to
mind. Horses, elephants, flowers. A few people stopped by to smile over
her work. A couple asked if she was Angela’s daughter, and Lily was
proud to nod.

One man hovered over her shoulder and tapped the metal point of his
umbrella on the tile. “That’s a wonderful elephant. I wonder why he’s
sad?”

“She’s in a cage at the zoo,” Lily said as she drew bars around the
elephant. “She wants to go home to her family.”

“That’s a very lovely dress.”

“Thank you. My mom picked it out.” Lily was about to point to her mother
when the man touched her neck.

“Is that perfume?”

Her neck and shoulders had frozen, so Lily barely managed shake her
head. She felt terrified though she couldn’t explain why.

“Lily! What are you doing? How d-” Mom’s eyes narrowed as she walked up
to the desk. She crumpled Lily’s drawings.

The man with the umbrella took a step back. Lily was still too shaken to
understand what she’d done, how she’d made her mother angry.

“We’re not here to draw,” Mom hissed, then she smiled as she seemed to
notice the man for the first time.

Lily slid off her chair without arguing. When she glanced back, Mom and
the man with the umbrella were laughing. Despite his smile, the man’s
eyes looked scared too.

The crowd inside the small gallery grew larger, louder as the night went
on. Lily was afraid of getting in the way with her every move, afraid of
inadvertently making her mother angry. Her legs hurt. Her feet hurt.
Even her neck hurt from staring up at people. She closed her eyes and
reached inside to find more happy memories. She pictured herself sucking
on her thumb in front of a cartoon. Playing with her ponies while Julia
changed her. Putting the Koala girls to bed in the tree-house. Running
in the backyard with poopy pants. Lily laughed at the last image. When
she opened her eyes, she saw another girl enter with her parents. The
girl wore a ruffled purple dress and a rainbow belt. Lily wondered who
this girl was who could stay up so late, whose parents took her to art
galleries. Lily wanted to be friends instantly.

Lily walked straight over. The girl was about Lily’s height. Closer,
Lily could see the rainbow of her belt was a herd of colorful horses.
“Do you want to see the chocolate fountain?” Lily asked.

The girl had a big smile. They both picked marshmallows to dip first.
Then strawberries, graham crackers. They giggled, conspiratorially, at
the novelty of having as many treats as they wanted. The girl glanced
around, then leaned closer. Lily leaned in to hear the coming secret.

The girl whispered, “How old are you?”

Instead of answering, Lily dipped a finger directly into the chocolate
then licked it clean. The girl giggled then did the same. Grinning, Lily
dipped her finger again then tried to smear it on the girl’s face. The
girl laughed and ducked, but didn’t try to run away.

The gallery owner grabbed Lily by the arm and pulled her toward Mom.
Lily struggled to keep up.

“You’re hurting me,” Lily said. “You’ll twist my arm.”

When the owner described what Lily had been doing, Mom looked very mad.
Lily started to explain how the owner had twisted her arm, but Mom
grabbed Lily by the wrist and pulled her toward the bathroom. Sullen,
Lily licked the chocolate fingers of her free hand while they waited.

Inside the private bathroom, Mom tore Lily’s diaper off without making
her lie down.

“Did you even know you leaked? Of course not. On your new dress too.”
Mom struggled with wiping Lily’s bottom and holding the hem. She
shouted, “Hold your dress, goddamnit! Do I have to do everything?”

Lily trembled while she held her dress out of her mother’s way.

Mom scolded her while she taped the new diaper into place. “You should
be ashamed at your age, acting like that in public. How do you not know
what you’re doing? Everyone can see but you.”

“I just wanted to have fun.”

“Fun? Pissing yourself is fun?”

“I meant...” Lily had thought her mother’s anger was over the chocolate
fountain. She swallowed. No one had ever shouted at her for an accident.
Not Dad, not Julia, not Miss Anne. Lily knew she deserved it, but she
never knew how much it would hurt. “It was an accident,” she said as she
trembled.

“And you didn’t notice?”

“No. Mom, I don’t feel anything until it’s happening.”

“So you did notice, you just didn’t care.” Mom huffed as she readjusted
Lily’s dress.

Mom turned her back on Lily and began washing her hands. Lily’s chest
burned. She hated being punished for telling the truth. Mom hadn’t dealt
with the accidents, the bags of spare clothes in the car. Mom hadn’t
been there for the timer, changing pull-ups in public bathrooms. She
hadn’t seen the relief diapers brought. Diapers made Lily’s life easier.
And Lily did care. She cared that she never had to worry. She cared that
her body didn’t ruin everything, didn’t interrupt everything.

“I need diapers.” The words left Lily’s mouth as she thought them. She
knew them for the truth.

Mom’s tone was cruel. “I’ll say.”

“Mom, you’re not helping.”

“You want me to talk sweet? You want cuddles and kisses? Lily, this is
my night. I don’t have time for that.”

Lily was so angry she trembled. Hadn’t Mom promised to help her be big,
brave? How could she not have time for her own daughter. Lily couldn’t
articulate any of it, and the only reply to escape her throat was a
growl of frustration.

Mom shook her head as she unlocked the door. “Let’s get back out there.
Maybe you can act the slightest bit your age for just another hour.”

“An hour?” Lily heard her voice whine, Mom let the door swung closed
behind her. Lily turned to the girl in the mirror. “What did you
expect?” she asked herself.

This was the mother who pulled her by her fragile wrist. Who ignored her
all afternoon. Who stole her from her father.

* * *

Lily was half-asleep on a chair when the front door rattled. Every bone
in her body ached like it was falling loose. She shifted her weight,
cracking at the hips. Only a few people remained after hours. They
talked too loudly, waving their arms everywhere. They kept putting on
and taking off their coats, and Lily gave up hoping for them to leave.
Mom was loud too, laughing at everything, agreeing with everyone.

Lily noticed the front door rattle first. “Daddy” she called out.

Dad waved and pointed to the lock. Lily ran to the door.

“What’s this?” the gallery owner said.

“It’s my Dad. Hi, Daddy!” Lily crashed into him before he fully entered
the gallery. She wrapped her arms around his legs. Half-asleep, sore
everywhere, wet, she couldn’t contain her littlest impulses.

Mom lurched toward the front door much too late. “This is how you do
this? Here? At my opening?”

Dad wrapped an arm around Lily’s shoulder. “I’m taking Lily home.”

The gallery owner scratched his forehead. “What’s this?” he repeated. He
stepped back as his bleary eyes finally seemed to focus on Dad and Mom.

Mom threw her hands around, spilling the last drops of wine. “She’s my
daughter too, David.”

“You don’t get to make decisions about her alone, Angela. I don’t know
if you need to make decisions about her at all.”

Mom gestured frantically at the photographs on the walls. “She’s my
daughter. I can take her to my opening. I can make up for time lost.”

Dad shook his head. “You don’t know what she’s been through. You don’t
know what she’s going through. Don’t make her choose like this.”

“I think I know what she’s going through.” Mom snorted. “I think your
lawyers would have a hard time explaining any of it. Everyone was sad
without me, everyone was sad without Grammy Darling. That doesn’t
explain why our daughter’s shitting her pants, David.”

Lily recoiled. She felt Dad’s hand stiff, and she looked up to watch his
reaction. His expression remained calm. She could see hurt in his eyes,
but she didn’t believe Mom’s words caused any of it.

Dad’s voice was quiet. “You don’t use a child’s love. She’s not a
weapon.”

Mom took a step closer to Dad. “Are you even listening to me? Lawyers,
David.”

Lily shrank behind Dad’s leg. Hadn’t Mom encouraged Dad to baby her?
That’s how it seemed at the time. Lily wondered whether Mom was thinking
more steps ahead than she’d given her credit, or whether she was just
taking advantage of what was available.

“Call your lawyer, if you want,” Dad said, still calm. “Angela, it’s
late. I’m taking Lily home with me.”

“You don’t even know what to say, do you? You can’t even defend
yourself? And do you know why? Because there is no defense.”

Lily realized all the things Dad could say - the big thing. She looked
up at his face again. He was calm. Too calm.

“Say something!” Mom shouted then she threw her glass.

Lily closed her eyes, but she could feel Mom drawing closer. Lily had
never been so scared, not even in the emergency room. She knew only one
thing that would make it better. “Daddy?”

Mom snapped. “Not now, Lily.”

Dad squeezed her shoulder. “What is it, princess?”

“Did you bring Amelia?”

“Of course, princess. In the car. Amelia is in the car.”

Mom threw her hands up into the air. “Fine. Play into it. Make it
worse.”

Lily tugged on her father’s hand. “Dad, you can come with us. We’re
going to San Francisco and the desert. It’s going to be fun.”

“I can’t, Lily. My doctors are here. My therapist is here. I’m trying to
do better so I can be with you as long as I’m able.”

Lily turned to her mother. She was afraid to ask. “Mom? We could move
into Grammy’s house. The three of us.”

Mom had folded her arms. She didn’t answer.

Everyone was silent. The gallery’s guests were all too afraid or too
curious to leave.

Time seemed to stand still. Then, as if her parents had turned to glass,
Lily could see their fears plainly in the faces, in their posture. Dad,
afraid of losing her. Mom, afraid of being trapped again, and not by a
cult, but by a house, by her husband and daughter. Lily could understand
them both too. She could see their glass skin cracking, piercing their
hearts, making the fear worse, making the fear hurt. She could
understand, but she could only help one of them.

“I’m going with Dad,” Lily announced.

Mom turned her back to the door. “Fine.”

Lily tugged on her father’s hand, but Dad didn’t turn immediately. “It’s
past her bedtime. Falling asleep on that chair won’t help her joints.
Let me take her home, let her rest. You can meet us tomorrow.”

“Whatever. Just go.” Mom looked hurt, and Lily hesitated. Mom buried her
face in her hands, but her voice was filled with rage. “Go! I said go!”

  Chapter 32

Lily's Rules for Telling the Truth (Mostly) Rule #1 Be yourself.

For Lily, the party still seemed imaginary, a game of let’s-pretend that
the whole family had indulged with her. All day she’d waited for the
reveal. That the cake in the oven was a lie. That the presents hidden in
the hall closet were all empty boxes. That the invitations she’d given
her friends were merely a practical joke. Inconceivably complicated as
it was, the alternative seemed even more unlikely.

Lily had been spying on Julia when Humphrey began scratching at the back
door. Leaping at the opportunity to get out of the house, Lily ran
barefoot into the yard with him. It had rained that morning, and the
grass was still wet. The October chill numbed her toes, but Humphrey
yapped constantly in his enthusiastic patrol around the fence. Lily sent
his frisbee flying through the air. They played fetch until something
beyond the fence stole Humphrey’s attention. He ran to the gate, barking
madly. Wondering whether a guest had arrived early, Lily followed, but
she couldn’t see through the cracks in the wooden gate. So she climbed
up the fence, using the latch and the handle to anchor her bare feet.
Lily peered over the top, hoping despite herself to see a familiar car
out front.

Bob’s voice made Lily slip. “Lily, get down from there. Why are you even
outside? It’s wet out.”

Lily jumped down and ran back to the house. “Humphrey needed a friend,”
she said.

“You need to wipe your feet. Your aunt just cleaned the floors.”

Lily lifted her arms into the air. “Or I could just fly?”

Bob grinned and wrapped his arms under hers. He spun her around, holding
her close and secure. Lily squealed with delight as they went faster,
faster. “Okay okay! Enough!”

Bob sat her back down on the doormat. “Did you help Gavin make that mess
in his room?”

Lily wiped her feet. “Well, he would have done it on his own. I just
helped him do it faster.”

“Uh-huh. Go help him. Make sure he gets all the Legos out of his bed
this time.”

Gavin didn’t appear that interested in cleaning. He was playing with his
Kid Ninja action figures on an island of carpet in the ocean of Legos.

Lily jumped into a clear space and did a ninja pose. “Ahaha! I am the
atomic monster, Radiator! Every toy I touch becomes toxic, and when all
the people of the city are sick with radiation, I will rule the world!
Ahaha! Unless you, Chobo, can pick up these toys faster than I can touch
them...”

Balancing with a leg in the air behind her, Lily slowly leaned and
reached with a single finger aimed at one of Gavin’s toys.

“No!” Gavin scooped up handfuls of Legos and dumped them into the box.

Cackling evilly, Lily was able to repeat the trick a dozen more times
before her cousin complained.

“Why aren’t you helping?”

“Because it’s my birthday.”

“But it’s your friends coming over.”

“Maybe we can make a deal...” Lily began.

Julia’s voice bounced through the hallway. “Lily? Would you come down to
the kitchen?”

Lily shrugged at Gavin, then bounded down the stairs. Her diaper was
warm, firmer than when she’d climbed up the stairs. She knew she’d need
a change before too long, but she decided to see what her aunt wanted
first.

“Do you want to help me decorate the cake?” Julia asked.

“Sure!”

“Plain or peanut butter frosting?”

“Peanut butter.”

Julia had already pulled up the recipe on her tablet. Lily read it and
gathered the ingredients while Julia washed the teaspoons and measuring
cup. Julia double-checked all of Lily’s measurements, but she let her
niece lead until it came time to use the mixer.

“Not too fast,” Julia said once she’d secured the bowl into its groove.
“And do short bursts at first like we did before.”

Lily pressed and depressed the button in short intervals like her aunt
had taught her. She stopped when the frosting had a smooth and
consistent color. Julia set out two butter knives and they spread the
frosting on the chocolate cake. It smelled so wonderful, Lily hoped
there would be a spoonful left once the cake was coated. She fought the
urge to dip her finger into the frosting, and she wondered at how much
easier it was to feel big when others treated her that way.

“Miss Anne asked me to read to her kindergarten class yesterday,” Lily
said.

“Were they good listeners?”

“Yep. Then in gym, Talia got hit in the face with a ball and she lost a
tooth.”

“Oh dear. Was she okay?”

“She cried at first, but then I helped her remember about the tooth
fairy.”

“That was very nice of you.” Julia turned the cake. “I got an email from
Mr Morse. He was really impressed with that essay you wrote.”

“It wasn’t so hard,” Lily said.

“And I saw you got a B on that math test. Good job.”

“Will I even need math if I’m a painter?”

“Sell your first million-dollar painting, then we’ll talk.”

“Can I really sell a painting?”

“Sure, people do all the time.”

“No, I mean in a gallery. Like Mom’s photographs. If I work hard enough
on one painting and its really special, could we find somewhere to sell
it?”

“I don’t see why not. If it’s so special, you wouldn’t want to keep it?”

Lily shook her head. She’d overheard Dad discussing hospital bills with
Bob. Lily knew better than to suggest selling her art to Dad first.
Sometimes holding back a truth wasn’t the same as lying - not if it
helped people.

“Oh, there’s my phone. Here, you do the candles.” Julia walked out of
the kitchen, leaving Lily with the bag.

Lily hesitated. There were enough candles for her fortieth birthday.
Seven hadn’t been everything she’d hoped - certainly not after school
started - but she did enjoy it. Being seven had allowed her to be her
best, and it helped everyone know how to care for her. She knew too that
being eight would be different. A part of her wanted to put seven
candles on the cake, to take the lie further than she’d ever dared,
further than Dad would expect. Lily frowned. How many candles did he
expect?

He wanted her to heal, he’d said. I don’t want you to rush into
anything. I want you to feel safe. Lily made a circle with eight
candles. She could manage being eight if she had everyone’s help.

Julia came back before Lily finished washing her hands, and from behind,
she gave her niece a hug. “We love having you with us, Lily.”

“I need a change,” Lily announced.

“I’m busy right this minute. Would you see if Selene can? I think she’s
watching TV.”

Lily passed Selene on the couch to fetch her diaper bag from the coat
closet. She dropped the bag at Selene’s feet before lying down. Selene
sighed dramatically.

“Why is it always me?” Selene fell to her knees then unzipped the bag.
“You ready for your party, kiddo?”

“Your mom canceled it.”

“What? Why?”

“Everyone turned into couch potatoes.”

Selene poked Lily’s belly. “Not funny.”

Lily grinned then turned her head to watch the TV while Selene tugged
her leggings down. “Do you know what any of my presents are?”

“Wouldn’t tell if I did.” Selene untaped the soaked diaper then balled
it up. “Maybe it’s all potatoes.”

“Is this the teen pregnancy show again?”

“No, this is the birthday one.”

“Why are they all awful?”

“Probably because their mother’s are.” Selene attacked Lily’s bottom
with a cold wipe then sat back and frowned. “Do you miss her?”

Lily didn’t turn her head. “On the phone she said she might come.”

Don’t expect too much too quickly, Dad had said. But Lily knew Mom would
return. If not for her birthday that year, then someday.

Selene taped the dry diaper tight. “So do you still... I dunno. I guess
I mean how many candles should we put on the cake?”

“I already did.”

“Already did what?”

“Put the candles on.”

Selene sat back and waited for an answer. When it didn’t come, she
tugged Lily’s leggings back into place.

“Do you want to play Barbies?”

“Maybe later, kiddo.” Selene held out the wet diaper for Lily to throw
away. Lily was halfway to the downstairs bathroom when Selene called
out, “Eight’s gonna be a good year for you.”

* * *

Dad was laughing when he hit his head on the low branch. He kept
laughing. “We’ve had a terrible year, huh? I mean, exceptionally
terrible. The worst.”

Lily didn’t know what that had to do with the interrupting cow joke, but
Dad’s laughter made her laugh. “I’m sorry,” she said after they crossed
the street.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s my fault.”

“No, Dad. You were in the hospital.”

“Even when I came back...” Dad trailed off. “Why else were you going to
run away with Betsaida? With Mom?”

“Because I...”

“Because I wasn’t there,” Dad interrupted. “I wasn’t there and you
needed me.”

The wind cut through the neighborhood, bringing the evening chill early.
It made Lily’s eyes water, but she didn’t wipe the tears because she
didn’t want Dad to think she was crying. She wanted to be strong for
him.

“I’m glad you had Betsaida,” Dad continued. “And Julia, Selene, Bob.
People love you, Lily.”

“I know,” Lily said, but she hung her head. Mom didn’t. Not enough to
stay.

“They do, Lily. You make all of us proud. Your friends, your family,
your teachers. Lily, so many people love you.”

Lily sobbed before the tears formed. “Then why did Mom leave?”

Dad knelt on the sidewalk and pulled her into a hug. “I don’t know,
pumpkin. We can’t understand what she’s been through. But it wasn’t you.
It wasn’t me.”

“How could she leave again?”

“I don’t know. Maybe she doesn’t want to face what she did.” Dad held
her while she shook. He waited before continuing. “That’s important, you
know. That’s something I always tried to teach you. To accept
responsibility when you make a mistake.”

Lily nodded. She guessed Dad was thinking about her lies, her big lie.
Maybe he was right, she thought. Maybe it was time to give it up. She
would do it to make him proud.

Dad wiped her cheeks. “So far as I’m concerned, you don’t have any
mistakes to worry about.”

Lily tried to look him in the eye.

“You make people’s lives better, princess. I promise I’m not going to
take that away from you.”

“You mean...”

“Whatever you need, I will give. Whoever you need to be, I will love
you. Whatever lie you need to tell, I will believe it. And when you’re
ready to grow up again, I will be there to help. We will all be there to
help.”

“But someday I’ll have to be thirteen.” Lily was learning to handle her
fears, but thirteen still sounded terrifying no matter how much frosting
Dad put on the idea.

“You only have to be you. Smart, confident, creative you. That’s all
I’ll ever ask.” Dad kissed Lily’s cheek.

They were still hugging when Dad’s phone began to ring. Lily’s heart
raced, and she pulled back hoping to catch a glimpse of the screen.

“Just an alarm,” Dad said. “Let’s head back. Don’t want to be late to
your own party, huh?”

Lily wondered what would happen when everyone found out. Her teachers,
the academy, her friends and doctors, they would all have so many
questions. Lily wondered if somebody could go to jail. “They’ll all be
mad at me,” she said, “when they know.”

“I think you’ll be surprised. But you don’t have to worry about that.”

Lily fell a few steps behind as she wondered what Dad meant. Did he know
Selene knew? Or did Julia and Bob know? Lily thought about the candles.
Had Julia let her decide on purpose? Selene even knew to ask.

Dad waited for her to catch up. “You just worry about your math grades.
When it’s time, I’ll take care of it.”

“I liked being seven again.”

“I know. It’s easier, isn’t it? You know, in a weird way, I think it
made it easier for everyone else too.”

Lily stopped at the last corner, just out of sight of the house. It’s
what Dad wanted, she knew. After the gallery, he’d let her have extra
time, but it was time to end it. He just wanted her to say it. Lily
thought about her friends coming to celebrate with her, the presents
waiting. She couldn’t let go. Not on her birthday. “Can it wait one more
day?”

“As many days as you need, pumpkin.”

“Maybe two so I can play with my new toys tomorrow?”

Dad laughed and took her hand. When they were a few houses away, they
watched as a car pulled up to the house and Isabel and Betsaida stepped
out. Lily let go of her father and ran toward her friend.

“Betsaida, can you believe it? I’m eight!”

  Acknowledgments

My most heartfelt gratitude to everyone who read Lily’s story! This is
-by far- the longest work of fiction I've ever completed, and I
whole-heartedly believe I managed it this time only because of your
encouragement. I am indebted to those who gave regular feedback and
encouragement - including Apexv, Brown_hatchling, heckle, LittleAcorn,
Peri, Pup-E, SashaButters, Shygirl93, Vearynope, WBDaddy, and
winnerchickendinner.

If you’ve enjoyed this story and have money to spare this month, please
consider donating to the forum. A lot of sites host stories, but this
forum consistently offers something special to writers.

If you’ve done that already, you’re welcome to send me a gift from my
wishlist. I write because I love to write, but presents go a long way in
motivating my own inner seven-year-old.

Please please please honor the first post and don’t share this draft
elsewhere just yet. In a day or two I will write up some questions about
editing. I figured everyone might need a chance to exhale first, but
comments and critiques are still welcome in the meantime.

<3 --Liz